Alright, that is just a teaser. It doesn't show much. And it really avoids the REAL reason this movie is amazing. There are exactly THREE reason's I am salivating all over this movie. (4 if you include a ghost shark in the hood)
That is THREE STARS from THREE of the WORST MOVIES EVER MADE....IN ONE FUCKING MOVIE! HOLY SHIT! This is going to be insane. I only thought this happened in dreams. This is awesome! Can you fucking believe this!? I need to see it. I hope to holy hell they are all in one scene together. That would be like the Expendables (the scene with Arnie, Sly, and Bruce) of Bad Movies.
I have a huge hardon right now. Sorry to be blunt but MAN! This is just too much for one Bad Movie lover to endure. And I have to WAIT! COME ON! Grace me with your presence already!
A quick look at the website has a few updates about going to festivals and stuff. Hopefully they make quick work of it cuz I need this. WHY ARE THESE KINDS OF MOVIES HEROINE TO ME! WHY!? I'm fucking shakin', I need my fix man. I NEED IT!
Alright calming down...
You can also find Ghost Shark 2 on facebook, YouTube, and Twitter. I'll be sure to update you with any new developments. This is the event of the YEAR!
To further prove my point of how f*cking stupid the asterisks looks, this article has been censored.
This has been building for awhile. And its coming out now because I just read an article…on a HORROR WEBSITE where they censored the word A*S. Holy F*CK! Really? A*S is censorworthy? F*ck you.
All the time I’m on facebook and I see people put the f*cking asterisks in the middle of curse words. “F*ck me! I locked my dumb c*nt a*s out of my f*cking car again!” Oh really…asterisks. I have no f*cking clue what that sentence is. No way could F*CK possibly be anything other than F*CK.
Does the letter “U” offend anyone? Anyone out there, are you U-ist? Have you built up death cults in order to commit mass genocide against the letter U? “Oh F*ck. I’m so glad that “U” isn’t in there. Sh*t, it makes it so much more socially acceptable. It’s censored, so it’s ok. F*ck, we better add the letter “I” into your cult too…sh*t.”
Are people afraid that someone they know is going to catch them cursing on the internet? THE F*CKING INTERNET!? The internet is 3 things. Porn, Cats, and Curse words. Nothing else. Stop littering my internet with your asterisks. Your parents aren’t f*cking so stupid that putting an asterisk in there will fool them. They did have to f*ck to make you. Probably on dr*gs.
I can understand wanted to clean up your language. People have a reputation to uphold. I get it. They have standards (and kids) and really just want to present themselves in the best possible way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But using and asterisks in the words, F*ck, Sh*t, A*s, P*ss, B*tch, C*nt, G*y, R*pe, and Sl*t is not the way to go about it. Just say things like…oh darn or shoot! Twiddley dee…I’ve punctured my jugular. That will require medical attention. See, perfectly fine. No need to use the asterisks.
And further more. It requires 50% more EFFORT to type the asterisks. You have to f*cking reach over there and hit that shift key and then f*cking reach up there and hit the number 8 so that asterisks shows up and then you have to remember where the f*ck you are in the word to finish typing it. Really? You’ve wasted nearly 4 times as long just trying to censor your curse word rather than just saying something cleaner. I guess you could just reach over to the number keys and hit the “multiply” key, that’s only typing one f*cking key but then you’re moving your right hand off the home row and spending more time j*rking off your keyboard rather than just f*cking typing the curse.
So in short: Quit it. It’s stupid. You’re not fooling anyone. Everybody cruising the internet knows how to read. Even the porn sites have “words”. People got to know what they’re getting into before they click on it. (Very bad sh*t happens when you don’t) It doesn’t look good, you look like a stupid f*ck, and you’re not fooling anyone. We know what it is. You know what it is. Why use the asterisk? WHY? Society? Does it make you feel better? Well is shouldn’t.
Quest for the Mighty Sword is…is…it’s pretty terrible. I was so looking forward to it but it’s just not what I wanted. Granted, I knew full well this was gonna blow. I think we all knew that. BUT it just wasn’t entirely full of “good/bad” moments. I guess I was looking for another Troll 2. Which happens to be connected to this movie. But I'll explain that later.
Sure, there were still a few memorable scenes. This movie isn’t a complete waste of time. Like there’s this scene where they’re on their way through this palace and these guards show up and Ator (that’s the lead character) and his sidekick are weaponless. Ator looks to his sidekick, smiles, and reaches out his left hand. And suddenly a wrist weapon appears OUT OF NOWHERE and he blows the guards away. That was probably my biggest WTF moment. There’s several but that one just made several of my brain cells commit suicide.
Here, take this line delivery for example.
Epic Win at 0:35
HAHAHAHA! WOW. That’s just awesome. But can you really watch 90 minutes of this? I did.If you really REALLY enjoy bad movies and watch them for their ultimate shittiness, Quest for the Mighty Sword is for you. But for everyone else…pass on it.
The story starts out with Ator’s dad…ironically played by the same actor as his son…Ator. So old Ator must do battle against a couple of rapists.
SOUND THE RAPE HORN!
Ator loses and dies. He gives his broken sword to be kept so that one day when young Ator grows up he may forge it back together and defeat the evil bad guys. And then...several years later Ator is all grown up and trying to find himself. He learns of the MIGHTY SWORD and decides to go on a QUEST for it. This lasts almost exactly 30 minutes. From the start of the movie. Ator’s ACTUAL quest probably only took 15-20 minutes. And WHERE does he find this MIGHTY SWORD you may ask? In his own. fucking. cave.
You could stop there. The quest is over. But why not press on? You've already wasted 30 minutes of your life. What's another 60?
He gets the sword and goes on a journey to rescue this chick that has been frozen in time since he was a baby. And also to find his mother. Who it turns out had sex with one of the Goblins from Troll 2. (Click that link, amazing Goblin make out scene) And ever since she had sex with said Goblin…she’s been a whore. For some reason she needs to keep boning guys to stay alive or something. I really didn’t care. Well Ator finds her…releases her from her curse…and she turns to dust. The End right?
Come along Robin! We still have 30 minutes of people's lives to waste.
WRONG. 30 minutes to go. Fuck, what do we do? Oh the time chick. She gets captured by a dude with horrible gonorrhea of the face who happens to have a statue fetish. He really fucking loves statues. And Goblins from Troll 2. So now it is up to Ator to save her. Ator uses his not-so-MIGHTY SWORD, his sidekick whoops ass with his boomerang of doom (that thing rules), and the day is saved finally ending the fourth and final Ator film.
Uhh....what?
Holy shit. There’s FOUR? Yes. And ironically…this one is actually titled: Ator III: The Hobgoblin. That’s THREE as in the NUMBER 3. The fourth film is the THIRD ATOR. WOW. Italian filmmakers are fucking awesome. You see…(I also detailed this out in the OTHER Troll 3 review I did)…The first 2 Ator films, Ator: The Invincible & Cave Dwellers (on Netflix Instant!), were done by Joe D’Amato. Then some other guy took over the third one…Iron Warrior. And it turns out Joe was so appalled with it that he refused to acknowledge its existence so he went out and made the “real” Ator 3 using some props from Troll 2, another film he had just wrapped up around the same time Quest for the Mighty Sword was made. Just you try and make sense of it.
So when all is said and done…eh. I’m sure I’ll own it just because its so terrible and I’ll need to have it. Because I need to own everything. But for now I’m content to leave it sit in my Netflix Instant Queue (for any of you that feel the need to test your endurance…have at it). I’m in no hurry to watch it again.
And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the twelfth AND FINAL of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Quest for the Mighty Sword.
So what if he's a woman. Did you see the picture up there?
He shows more skin than the women in this movie.
Strength: 3 (He looks built...but meh.)
Speed: 10 (He can run from place to place with the flick of a cut scene)
Edurance: 10 (He's ALWAYS RUNNING)
Agility: 5 (meh.)
Offense: 2 (sure he's got the big sword but he can't use it very well.)
Defense: 3 (He's always in trouble)
Recovery: 10 (but he always bounces back extremely fast)
Bleeding: 1 (PG-13 bullshit)
Overall, Quest for the Mighty Sword rates an average: 5.50 (impressive. I've picked him (her) to win and I'll stick by that. I think ignorance will get this one through)
Go Green With the Troll 2 Queen is not some cool title I just came up with...it's the official website of the Troll 2 Queen! ALL GLORY TO THE TROLL 2 QUEEN!
It is a new site and is still being built but if you were to visit the site now you can plainly see how amazing it is going to be. Blogs, Videos, Giveaways! It's going to be crazy.
And also check out the Troll 2 Queen's YouTube page. There you will find an assortment of videos from Deborah Reed (the wonderful woman who played the Goblin Queen in Troll 2). The most notable video is "The Nilbog Secret: Episode 1" Please check it out below.
Alright, I'll admit it. This video needs more hits before we get to see Episode 2. Everyone click on this and watch it so I can see Episode 2. The Troll 2 Queen saga MUST CONTINUE!
If you're a Troll 2 aficionado like myself then you probably do. But for whatever reason you missed it...and it's very possible that you missed it because this is Troll 3 by fans only (far as I can tell). You'll either see the cover above on VHS or if you go to Netflix Instant and search for Contamination .7 you can find it or you might even find a copy of it called The Creepers somewhere but when it all comes down to it...it's fucking Troll 3.
Why Troll 3? What could possibly drive someone to make another Troll movie? Especially after the second one didn't have a single Troll in it? Well let me tell you something...neither does Troll 3. Actually, there isn't even anything that remotely resembles a Troll in it. It's about killer plants.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Yep. Killer plants. Killing people. So why do people often refer to it as Troll 3? Probably because it sucks on a level that trumps Troll 2 (not in a good way) but mostly because it involves a lot of the same people as Troll 2. And there's some little similarities that loosely tie them together. Like in ALL of the Troll movies...plants hold a strong central theme. And someone in a forum somewhere said it takes place in Nilbog...but I'll be damned if I didn't see any signs or hear anyone say what the name of the town was. Who knows...who cares.
And can you believe that this is one of TWO Troll 3 movies?
Fuck.
Quest for the Might Sword is also a movie referred to as Troll 3 because it is the Fourth movie in the Ator, Conan rip off, series of movies aptly named Ator III: The Hobgoblin.
This review has been known to kill people. I should probably post a warning.
Yes Ator THREE. The director of THIS Troll 3 also made ATOR 3...along with the first two Ator movies. And there was a real Ator 3 called Iron Warrior but the director was so appalled with its existence that he completely disowned it and called the fourth movie the third movie. It's fucking confusing...but what matters is that he used props from Troll 2, including Goblin outfits, for Quest for the Mighty Sword.
Now available on Netflix Instant Watch!
Netflix: Home to so many shitty movies!
Anyway, that's enough history for you. It's fucking amazing that I know that. NOBODY should need to know that. NOBODY. But alas I do, and that...for the most part...is what makes this movie bearable. Knowing is horrible confusing history makes me appreciate this all that much more. Troll 3 is no Troll 2 but there is still a lot to love about this movie.
If you dare to watch this, please just push through the first hour. I swear its not a complete waste of time. There are plenty of deaths from the killer plants and stuff but there really isn't a lot going on in the bad department. I might even dare say that it was almost GOOD. Almost. Not really. But regardless, there is a lot of actual story going on. Unlike Troll 2, this movie attempts to develop a plot.
NNNNOOOOOO!!! Nobody likes a PLOT!
But the last 20 - 30 minutes are pure fucking gold. I promise you that you will be talking about it for weeks. You will go to your coworkers and be like...you have to fucking watch this movie. It's pretty shitty but once you see the helicopter scene...this movie catapults from shitty to FUCKING AWESOME.
Everyone. Get ready to laugh.
HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god that's fucking awesome. That scene is the ONLY reason I pushed through this movie. My friend sat through it with me and he wasn't so sure he could do it but I kept telling him...you gotta wait for the helicopter scene, you gotta wait. This is all gonna be worth it. And once it happened...well we haven't shut up about it since.
Oh, and if you think I spoiled the best part of the movie. I didn't. That isn't the only blatantly obvious use of a toy vehicle in this movie.
If you made it this far...your head has exploded 7 times. Good night!
Ah, the original classic that started a complete revolution in terrible movies. Who knew this innocent little horror/fantasy film could blossom and bloom into something so convoluted, unrelated, and confusing that people from all ages over the span of 20 years would LOVE IT.
And it's all Charles Band's fault.
Charles Band, one of my (many) heroes. A true maker of amazingly bad movies, Charles Band brings some of his best 80's work together in Troll. I like to think that this is the high period of his career...although things seem to really be picking up steam over at the Full Moon front these days so I will let that comment kind of sit there on the edge of the cliff for awhile.
So Troll, you know right from the start that you're in for something bad.
Oh god damn it.
No worries, he dies a pretty brutal death. It's actually pretty awesome. Just push through his shit for a few minutes and it'll be worth it.
Troll is THEE original Harry Potter. You know why? Because the main character's names are Harry Potter and Harry Potter Jr. Several years before J.K. Rowling ever tainted that name. This movie is greater than the entirety of every book and movie associated with J.K. Charles Band for life bitch.
And its got Julia Louis-Dreyfus (mostly) naked.
This is the feature film debut for dear Julia. And WHAT A DEBUT. Naked little butt just prancing around...mmmhhmmmm...that's how you make movies my friends.
Troll is cool for a variety of reasons. (besides those already listed) Troll starts out as a horror film and switches gears in the middle into a fantasy sorcery musical. It's really fucking weird...but it works so well. I remember seeing the VHS sitting on the rental shelf as a kid. Someone had accidently mixed it in with the kids section. Well I forced my mom to rent it for me. And I was scared shitless. Cuz I was a little pussy when I was young. Well later on in life I rented it...and realized if I would have just stuck with it ANOTHER 10 MINUTES it wouldn't have been scary anymore. Because the first half hour or so is the Troll sneaking around turning people into Trolls and turning apartments into its home world. But then the next hour is spent figuring out what the Troll is doing and discovering there's an old princess that lives upstairs that used to go out with the Troll when it was human so then they have to defeat the Troll before he can transform all the apartments and destroy the world.
*catches breath* wow, it sounds so awful when I say it.
But besides having a bit-shit crazy Charles Band plot, the effects are very excellent. I really really appreciate practical effects and puppetry...and this movie is chock full of it. The director of Troll, John Carl Buechler, is also a special effects guy, who also designed the Troll for Troll. I like when effects guys direct movies...its like watching fight choreographers direct fight movies...there's just so much amazingness going on for one movie. And there's been talk of a remake...to be remade by John Carl Buechler.
The videos in this review are full of spoilers. Not that it matters...
For those about to Troll 2, I salute you.
HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT YOUTUBE! I'VE NEVER SEEN THE RANDOM FLY BEFORE! HAHAHAHA That is so AWESOME. Everytime, I swear to god, EVERY TIME I watch this movie there's something even more random and terrible that I missed before. I love Troll 2.
The plot of this movie, if you must know, is that there's a bunch of Goblins in the town of Nilbog (go figure) that disguise themselves as humans and get real humans to drink broth so they melt into a plant goo so they can be eaten. Although there's one little kid and his dead grandpa that have something in store for those pesky bastards. And it ain't Miracle Grow.
Troll 2 IS THEE bad movie experience. Bad acting, OVER acting, no acting, bad effects, horrible direction, great direction, confusion, blissful irony, consistent WTF moments, hilarious quotes, and just unexpected twists and turns. It is truly a movie that has to be seen to be believed. And once you see it....well lets say its like a virus...once you've caught the Troll 2, you spread it around to everybody.
Our first victim.
This is probably the only movie that I'll ever review several times. This is the first but I'm sure I can do better. I just love this movie so much. What isn't to love, I mean...
How can you not fall in love with that? I own THREE copies of this movie. Two on DVD and one on Bluray. And I don't even own a Bluray player yet. But when I do, you can bet there'll be another review...in sweet sweet High Definition. It's a thing of beauty, let me tell you.
There isn't one Troll in this whole movie. Not one. Lots of Goblins, but no Trolls. And that poster up there at the beginning of this review...none of that shows up anywhere in this movie. That kid isn't in this. He looks more like the Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5 kid. And there's no Trolls. With axes. Actually there isn't any axes at all.
Or COFFEE!
God dammit this movie is awesome. I just watched it last Saturday and I already want to watch it again! And as a bonus for all you folks out there that have Netflix...you can watch this on Instant Watch. So please, please...watch it, love it, add some of the actors on facebook (you know, Deborah Reed and Darren Ewing are fucking awesome to talk to), and then buy SEVERAL COPIES of this movie. Because if you do, and I'm BEGGING you to spend money on this movie because...
...Troll 2 Part 2 is coming. The script is done and the last I heard it was in production...in 3D. Nilbog 3D, fuck yeah! But the more money and hype they get out of this release then all the more likely I'll be watching Troll 2 Part 2. (There is also a documentary on how amazingly bad this movie is called Best Worst Movie. Watch that too...it's really good)
In all honesty, these videos in this review don't even TOUCH the amount of greatness in this movie. There are so many many more scenes that deserve attention but I'd rather leave them for you and your friends to see on your own. Scenes like...the bologna sandwich scene! The nut eaters scene! AND The greatest sex scene in all of cinema!
Do you like the movie Predator? Do you like Robots? Would you rather Predator had more robots and worse actors? Well then you are in luck my friend, this is ROBOWAR!
Robowar is a hands down carbon copy of Schwarzenegger's Predator. So much so that I was taking notes while watching it noting similarities. I'm sure if Predator was a person and had a little chat with Robowar, Predator would be all like, "Robowar, what the fuck? Why did you copy me?" and Robowar would say something like, "We didn't copy you, there's a robot in our movie. There's no fucking robots in Predator," to which Predator would punch Robowar in the face and leave the room.
THE TRAILER! (shield your eyes)
ROBOWAR vs PREDATOR
A group of elite forces enters the jungle to go after some guerrillas.
They keep encountering random skinned corpses in the jungle, sometimes in the trees.
When they get to the guerrilla camp they shoot everyone there and then encounter the Predator, err Robot.
The Robot has a robovision very similar to the heat vision in Predator.
They frequently refer to the robot as "The Hunter".
At one point everyone fires wildly into the jungle and then some dude checks it out. When he comes back he says, "There's no blood, there's no body, there's no traces at all. We didn't hit a damn thing!"
Instead of there being, "One Ugly Motherfucker" we get BAMs or "Bad Ass Motherfuckers"
The Robot has wrist mounted weapons. But it's a laser so its different.
And the lead dude leaps from a cliffside in front of a waterfall EXACTLY the same way Arnie does it in Predator.
Can you tell the difference?
I just want you to know right now that I'm so dedicated to THIS BLOG and BAD MOVIES that I sat through a 9 part VHS transfer on YouTube for this review. That's how much I care about you internet. (to some of you that's either hard-fucking-core or really-fucking-stupid. I call it the Gable way)
Where do I begin with this review? I think the writer. The story from Robowar comes from the same mastermind that wrote and directed TROLL 2, Claudio Fragrasso. Right there from seeing his name in the opening credits I knew I was in for a shitstorm. Granted he didn't direct this movie but you'd never know it. Actually he was running around as "The Hunter". He had to have been kind of "suggesting" ways of shooting scenes to the real director of this movie, Bruno Mattei. He must have been so ashamed to have been apart of this piece of shit that he credited himself with the name Vincent Dawn. That's fucking amazing.
If you're as brave as me and have to watch this I'll let you know what you're getting into. Yes it is a Predator rip-off but I figure at least half the movie is just shots of guys walking through the jungle with electro music playing. (watch that at the 1:40 mark) They really did TRY to make some effort to make it exciting but in the end its just a bunch of dudes walking through the jungle. To the next scene in the script. Also, the characters keep randomly walking off screen, presumably attempting to escape the movie, but they kept getting pulled back into the story and forced to walk through the jungle to their next scene. It's just horrible.
Random Screen Shot!
So eventually this movie ends like all bad movies do...helplessly. They spent 80 minutes progressing the story and throwing in fight scenes and some explosions BUT THEY FORGET TO KILL ANYONE! So they just start offing guys left and right. Please, Please watch part 6 on YouTube. Fast forward to the 8:20 mark where they are crossing the river and the guy gets pulled away...by something, it may have the Robot or he may have been trying to escape the movie again...but its so ball slappingly hilarious that I had to watch it 5 times in a row. (much to my balls' protest) I was hoping to capture the magic of the scene with a screenshot but it just doesn't do it any justice.
But anyway, they eventually come up with a plan to destroy the robot but there's still too many characters alive. So one goes out to try and reason with it, or kill it. But he epic fails and is killed. So another dude ventures out to try the same thing and is met with the same fate as the first guy. BAM problem solved, now we have the perfect amount of people left to finish this damn movie. Let's do this thing.
Ah HA! A way out of this movie. Later bitches.
So they go to some convenient location in the jungle. There conveniently happens to be the right amount of chemicals in this place to make napalm. It's also quite convenient that the lady mixing them, the helpless blonde female, has a degree in chemistry and knows how to make napalm. And they are given enough time to put it all into a jug to blow up the building as the Robot enters it. Convenient.
BUT WAIT! There's more! The inevitable and always predictable twist ending. It's still alive and then they blow it up for real. THANK GOD IT'S OVER.
Then the end credits roll...EXACTLY LIKE PREDATOR's! You see a snippet of the characters and then their names. Who Gives A Fuck as Sgt. Dumbass. Etc.
This movie was worth it when they set up a parameter, like the pig scene in Predator, and the Robot comes walking in tripping mines and tearing shit up and one of the elite guys says, "The mines! He stepped on them like they were dogshit!" Brilliant, *claps hands*, something I can leave this movie with.
I don't recommend this to anyone. It is laughably bad..err..sad. It's just a horrible attempt and ultimately embarrassing for everyone involved. Cast, crew, audience. It's kind of like getting drunk and nailing a fat chick after bar close. It was ok to let that happen once and you may have even liked it a little but nobody needs to know about it.
Except when I do it.
And now some random screenshots for your enjoyment. See if you can tell what part of Predator they're ripping off.
XFL reject
This black guy wears a head band, it's totally different.
Predator could afford a minigun for this scene, we couldn't.
See! Lasers! Different.
I'm not Billy, my name's Quang. (seriously, IMDb that shit)
