Good GOD! Malcolm McDowell can't even save this poster. WHAT. THE. FUCK!? I feel like I need to apologize for even posting it. Fuck, that's terrible. And WHY!? Why are you copying Alien3. NOBODY WOULD WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE IF THAT'S YOUR POSTER. I could do better in MS Paint.
Ahhhh...much better.
THE TRAILER:
Ah fuck it, I couldn't find the trailer on YouTube. So instead, here's the FULL MOVIE!
I'll just go get some more coffee while you watch this. Trust me, don't let that poster fool you, this movie is awesome.
REVIEW:
So I had my reservations about Cyborg 3. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I have reservations about movies anymore. I'll fucking jump right into Manos: The Hands of Fate but Cyborg 3? I'll refuse to watch it because it "might not be good enough." What the fuck does that mean? And why am I quoting myself? I don't know and I don't care.
Cyborg 1 was pretty cool, the story was pretty muddled and all over the place but I'm also aware that there was A LOT of problems with that movie from script issues to cutting the movie. But it's Van Damme so I gotta love it. Cyborg 2 was pretty bad ass. Naked Angelina Jolie. One-Liner shouting Jack Palance. You just can't go wrong! But Cyborg 3 takes a different turn...mind you, it still continues the story from part 2, replacing Angelina Jolie with some noob...but in this movie, the Cyborg gets.....pregnant.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh yeah, this movie is going to be fucking awesomely terrible. I couldn't wait. I didn't even know that going in. We were just flipping around Netflix Instant and since we'd seen the first 2 we figured that we need to see the third. So we watched it. And after seeing the opening credits I was actually pretty excited.
And with effects by John Carl Buechler (The guy behind Troll and Ghoulies 3)
There's just so much B-Movie nerdness going on I could hardly contain myself. And it progressed so nicely because they'd kill off one B-Movie star and almost immediately introduce another one. It was fucking FANTASTIC!
I'd like to point out John Carl Buechler for a moment. I really really enjoy his special effects. They aren't always perfect but they are EXACTLY what I want to see. They're all puppets and practical. It all moves pretty well and for what it is...it looks really good. The guy is pretty creative and his designs are pretty out of this world. And anything from the 80's through the 90's is pretty much the same, as far as I'm concerned. After seeing that clip for The Eden Formula I'm kinda concerned that maybe he's lost his touch. But that's ok, I will always remember him for all that he's done.
So Cyborg 3. The story is basically about this guy called The Recycler. He hunts down cyborgs and sells them for scrap. Cyborgs fear him. He has his eye (literally, he's got one good eye and one cybernetic implant that looks like some kind of shitty Borg prototype) on this one Cyborg because he finds out that she's pregnant. This is unique as this has never happened before. So he follows her into the desert where they all eventually end up in fabled Cytown (It has a fucking SIGN and everything) where there are tons of beat up old Cyborgs living. The Cyborgs rise up, get upgraded, and fight back. Game over.
Cytown had so much potential. Zach Galligan played a creator character. He designed and built cyborgs for a living before everything went to shit. So he ends up in Cytown with a bunch of beat up Cyborgs that need his help. And they find out that their defenses are down and an army of Recyclers are on their way to Cytown to wipe them out. What I was really really hoping for was that Zach Galligan would rig up weapons on ALL of the cyborgs. So they'd each have like chainsaw hands, axehead fists, machine gun ears, that kinda thing. (I was hoping for a Short Circuit 2 type montage) All we got was ONE guy (shown in the poster above) that recommended uzi's be attached to his hands. At least THAT guy understands my cyborg blood lust. Oh well, the ending was still pretty epic without the weaponized Cyborgs.
This movie's pacing is pretty awesome. It's one epically bad scene after another. There's so many good quotes. So much so that people can form entire trailers out of them. This movie will have you shaking your head and laughing your ass off. It's so awesome. THESE are the kinds of bad movies that I live for. I hate that I ever had reservations about it. It's Cyborg 3 motherfuckers. Love it. And you really don't need to watch parts 1 or 2, they vaguely tie in. You won't be stumped on the story here. But parts 2 and 3 are on Netflix Instant so that's a pretty good night right there watching them back to back.
I recommend this to anyone that likes bad movies and is looking for a "good" bad movie to watch. There's a lot to admire in the "good-bad" department with this movie. It's....it's awesome.
Here at MGR I like to get all y'all involved. No matter how, I just like to work WITH you rather than FOR you. So, that being said. Who wants to torture me?
Pick a movie, any movie, and I will watch it this Friday and review it. I don't care. DO YOUR WORST. Anything on Netflix Instant guarantees availability to me.
All of these and anything else is fair game. ANYTHING. (You don't even have to stick to the horror/SciFi genres if you don't want to) I'll take all suggestions into account and determine the worst of the bunch. (Maybe I'll post a poll Wednesday) Come at me, what do you got? What would you like me to sit through so you can hear ALL about it next week.
Jimmy Hart, Kevin Nash, and Kurrgan. AND MONSTERS BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER!? Yes, this is happening. I'm hoping for EIGHT epic monster training montages. Fuck, that'd be awesome.
I remember first hearing about this awhile ago. All I really remember is exactly what the premise is: A bunch of monsters fighting each other in the squared circle. I was excited about it then and I'm excited about it now.
And I really don't care what people think about Dave Foley, I like him. I think he's funny.
Synopsis (Like we need one):
Eight classic monsters fight to the death in an explosive wrestling tournament set inside an abandoned and cursed graveyard.
Well, that explains nothing. This movie had better JUST be monster fighting. If they try to tell a story I'm going to be pissed. I want to see heads ROLL. (Thank you trailer)
No news on when this will be on DVD. I hope soon, I really want to see it. Check out the official website for some really cool content like descriptions of each monster fighter and behind the scenes videos. It's a good time.
Necronomicon: Book of the Dead. A trilogy of movies that are tied together by...JEFFERY COMBS! Fuck yeah. This is from the 90's so chances are you may have seen it already...but I haven't. All I know is that I need to see this:
I sincerely hope he pulls out a vial of glowing green liquid and brings him back to life.
Alrighty folks! Thanks for letting me do a little clean up around here. It was a little dusty but its looking a lot better now. I'm sure there's still a few things I'll be doing here or there but I can accept where this is and get back to BLOGGING ABOUT SHITTY MOVIES!!!
So what's different?
Honestly, not too much. Updated the reviews page. Check out all the tabs, there's a nice little picture in each of them now. Also you will notice TWO NEW PAGES, the Movie Pitches...so I can collect and keep all my stupid little movie pitches in one spot. And the other is PODCASTS! Which is under construction. Podcasting is something I've been thinking about doing for awhile and I think that its about time to pull the trigger. That way you can take Mr. Gable ON THE GO! Just download it and put it on your mp3 player or phone or whatever and listen to bad movie greatness on your way to work! It'll be awesome. (And I'll keep it short, like 15 min. so it doesn't drag on forever)
The biggest update is the STORE tab. There I set up the store a little better. I'm A LOT happier with the zazzle store versus the cafepress store. I think its a lot easier to work with and you can do a lot more with it. (Plus it has a groovy little box I can post on this blog too!) I also added a Donation button if any of you are ever feeling generous and want to add to the bad movie fund. And then I posted a link to the book where my story "Tuesday's Suck" was published.
But that's really about it. I just wanted to get that shit out of the way so I can move forward. As I was updating the reviews page I noticed that I haven't reviewed too much in the last couple of months so for the rest of June I'm going to concentrate on more reviews. I watch a lot of movies that I just don't review and I really need to. Because you all need to know of their greatness.
Hey everyone, in honor of the new banner I'm going to be doing a little blog maintenance over the next couple days so if you don't see me around here its because I'm updating everything. I've let everything pretty much go to shit over the past few months so I'm going to get everything all updated and pretty again. Sorry for the inconvenience of badness but to make up for it, enjoy this amazing trailer for Trail of the Screaming Forehead!
OH SHIT! Dick Miller and the guys from Ghoulies 3 and Return of the Living Dead. I must own this movie.
So, the Alamo Drafthouse theatre has one simple rule...don't talk or text during a movie. Or they throw you out. You know, those people that are ALWAYS in a theatre after you just finished pissing away $40 on tickets and food and now they're ruining your movie.
Well, this little bitch got busted for texting and after a warning she was kicked out. So she called up the theatre (and I'm assuming she's drunk) and left them a nice little voicemail...
...which the theatre is now using as a PSA against texting and talking during a movie.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Fuck yeah, Alamo Drafthouse! Thank you for protecting the rights of others to enjoy a movie.
It was nearly a month in preparation, 2 weeks of solid announcements and reminders, over 30 grueling days of anticipation, but last Saturday it finally arrived. And we were all thrown into space.
This is what you missed if you weren't there.
Saturday was probably the most fun I've ever had on the internet and certainly the most fun I'll ever have on Twitter. (aside from Bad Movie MegaTwitterthon Part 2: Texas Blood Money of course [tagline complements of CG]) It was really a Mega-Event and I couldn't have imagined it going any better.
Well...maybe a better final feature. (But that's what booze is for right!?)
So my Saturday started out great. It was a beautiful Summer day. The temperature was just right, I got a lot of work done outside, and I talked my wonderful fiance into nerding out with us. It was about an hour before showtime when she finally said, "Fuck it, let's do this thing!" So we frantically made her a twitter account, got her all set up and ready to go. It was coming down to crunchtime and she mentioned that we should watch the first movie outside. Now, this was not what I had in mind for this thing. Originally I was going to set up my computer in my movie room downstairs and just sit through the whole thing there. BUT watching movie outside while tweeting about Far Cry sounded amazing to me. So after whipping this all up on the fly, we got started. AND we spent the first 40 minutes of the movie trying to get Twitter to work alongside the movie so we could see comments and watch the movie at the same time. It took some effort but we finally got everything running smoothly (and I was about 3 drinks in) and we were good to go.
The night went better than I expected. We managed to get someone to go along with the WHOLE night. Thank you @365HorrorMovie, you're awesome! Another Rummie friend of mine. I was hoping that the movies we chose would be just good and just bad enough for us to make rabid comments....and for the most part they were. Except for RetarDEAD. I spent most of that movie apologizing to everyone. It was terrible. But MONSTURD WAS SO AWESOME!
In the end, it was one hell of a night. We all made a big deal out of it, which I was excited to see. I loved how we all sat down and for the most part we all ate pizza, drank wildly, and ripped the shit out of these movies. It was...it was awesome.
For your viewing pleasure, here are some highlights from Saturday:
@glitterninja
It's the psycho-reanimator music riff! Thank you, Uwe.
Introducing Bargain Tom Berenger and Bargain Angelina Jolie
Shh! I can't hear Emilio!
I sense a sequel: Far Cry 2: Emilio Takes Manhattan
I agree. This has been unacceptably boobless.
@tromeric
Let us TWAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!
First shot down the hatch. Am I playing a video game? Oh shit its Uwe. Uwe is my master.
When your next role is a step down from playing Lex's wife on Smallville you are in an Uwe movie.
Where is my first person shooter cam?
He got the budget with the profits from Little Germany I am guessing.
Its itchy, I guess he needs to learn the art of manscapeing.
Seriously. Wheres my first person shooter cam? If we get Sega footage in House of the Dead we best get first person shooter cam.
Yeah thanks to I spy I will be switching from Jager bombs to Spider Bites. Uwe. You owe me a liver.
I am pouring out the rest of my beer in honer of Farcry.
@mrsgable1
so much awsome and its just starting
thats what ill be doing in the morning sleeping it off ...lol
itch better use protection to share the heat
this fat guy is epic win
i have to see this guys jazz hands
that is one big sawsall
plot line whales...oh where are the whales
in the honor of greekdome i call for more wine
@365HorrorMovie
Wait, an Uwe Boll movie? Is this even fair? :)
He's also a good cook and an excellent lover in additon to the killing skills
Yay for the meaningless loss of henchmen lives!
"I must also put my pee-pee in you, ya know, for warmth."
Remind me to check the MOST OBVIOUS spot ever for security cameras next time I break into a super covert army base
Her makeup holds up really well underwater, during gunfights, etc. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybeline.
Places that rent cheesy soldier costumes must love it when Uwe is making a move in their town.
That wrap-around ending just forced me to drink straight from the bottle
F*ck it! I'm for the next one. that was fun.
@vinstem
I use extreme aspect ratios to make up for my lack of directing!
How do you do something this bad with this kind of budget??
LOL women can't cook!
lollolololo DANCE CAMP!!
Pick one guy up and beat the others with him!!!
Is there nothing buzzsaws can't do?
SHOTGUN FACE! Nice
What does a whole Frappacino and half a bottle of Vodka = PARTY?
@morbidementia
Yeah, I've got a bad feeling about this, too.
"Too good of a story to pass up"? I doubt it, Uwe.
Which is worse, making brainless monsters, or brainless movies? I'm looking at you, Uwe.
Is that budding romance I smell, or is it just the fish?
I wonder what the connection between Udo Kier and Uwe Boll is. Besides the 3-letter first name beginning with the letter U.
Whew, good thing there are turrets randomly placed everywhere.
Clothesline count: 5
You shouldn't make jokes about being rated 2/10 in your movie that's rated 2/10.
@mrgablesreality
I see the reanimator soundtrack fits any movie
this movie is a far cry...from awesome
I want to wipe the shit out of that mans chin.
I see you have the ray stevenson brand of super soldier
this movie needs more explosions. Less dialogue
I really wish warwick davis would show up and wisk this movie to the hood
udo kier is shooting verbal bullets into my skull. Its awesome
shut up. Udo kier is talking
with all do respect...thats udo kier motherfucker. You do what he says. He says fuck a stump....you fuck a stump
that 2X4 is the best actor in this movie
the boat in thunder in paradise was better
@glitterninja
Are we ready for bears in space?
...did I just see wang?
Nobody is tweeting because we're all too busy staring at those big meaty thighs.
Haha that baby had total "fuck you" look when he got splashed by the stagehand
Holy fuckballs, he just made ursa major
I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief.
Took at least 3 rolls of tinfoil to make that shield
That chariot is gayer than Charles Nelson Reilly, Rip Taylor and Richard Simmons combined
@tromeric
Twat O Clock.
Wow. Paper Mache meteors. I'm in.
I got one of those crowns at Burger King when I was dick high.
These solders don't take kindly to retroactive abortion.
did he just throw a bear into space? I can die now.
These scenes of bear action are more believable than a David De Coteau production.
Log into a planet. Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
I wanna see a Herc fight a shark. Second best Shark fight ever.
Was that Castle Greyskull?
What about A double rainbow? What would be there?
Must hit one click order on amazon app. Now.
@mrsgable1
this looks like my 2nd grand science fair project
this look like a cher music video
ooo shiny object my fav
magic pants dance... when is bowie sappose to enter
yes bear action
did anyone else watch the man bobbs shake
i like that in this movie all the men are in short skirts and the women are clothed
she just had sex with him with her eyes
its log log its better than bad its wood
not that i was expecting this to stay true to mythology but it totally does
wait somewhere over the rainbow = hell?
the labyrinth i new bowie was some where
rainbow bright was in charge of cinematography
@365HorrorMovie
Something about a bear being thrown into space has me fired up.
Bad guy logic is amazballs.
I watched TREE OF LIFE earlier today and now just watched Hercules chuck a bear into space. My life is complete.
I hope this movie is in the National Registry as a landmark achievement to be saved for future generations
At least the bear has something to scratch its claws on now.
Hercules is so lazy. Completely unnecessary use diverting a river.
i just did 100 pushups. Thanks Lou for making me feel inadequate with your God-like muscles.
Once again with the insane laziness. just do it yourself, Herc
Rocks are more reliable than horses for space flight. Everyone knows that.
Well, HERCULES was just about the most damn amazing movie ever.
Obviously, I'm in for the last one now. I can't let this triple-threat of awesomeness pass me by.
@vinstem
Oh yeah, bears in space, please don't disappoint, Herculies
Hercules! Space Android!!!!
Mech Hydra is small and swells to full size
where are the white woman at!?
I need to OWN THIS!
Chained and ready to be boned!!
WOW! That was wAY better than I expected!
@morbidementia
The creation of the universe looked a lot like a disco dance party.
So did Hercules rip off Moses, or did Moses rip off Hercules?
Did Herc just agree to marry a girl without seeing her face? I thought he was deaf, not blind.
@mrgablesreality
hercules is now!!! OH SHIT! THIS IS A CANNON MOVIE!! YES!!!!!
the neverending story could learn a lot from this movie
I'd violate her temple
wait is this hercules or jesus
the eels of fate
OH SHIT THE BEAR
yes do it
DO IT
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I want to make sex with this movie so bad.
DONT YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MECHA HYDRA
fuck yes...mechahydra is mecha'in me hard
herc just got power ranger'd
oh fuck, this movie just hulked out
that sword is so takei
@glitterninja
I went out to get pizza so I officially have no clue what's going on
I am genuinely laughing at the stupid cops, so I'm good for now
Holy shit, I'm in love with the hot butch lesbian
I will accept either Hercules or breasts in an effort to improve this movie
I'm glad this was last, we might have lost people before we got to the glory that was Hercules
I started drinking at the right time, saved it for this movie
@tromeric
Lets do this. So does a retardead zombie like eating its own ear?
I'm not gonna lie. Off to a pretty awesome start. Can it keep up? I doubt it.
Worst job ever. Pecker Snot scraper.
I'm in for the Finnish. I got stamina like a ma fucker.
Jim Wynorski would roll his eyes at this.
Only 55 mins to get to tardead zombies. I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.
It is importent to put yourself through a bad movie from time to time. Makes you appreciate the good ones even more.
We deserve a trophy.
@365HorrorMovie
Just hit play on RETARDED. This should be, um, interesting.
RETARDED or HOW TO PAD OUT A RUNNING TIME BY MAKING SHITTY TRAILERS BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS.
Uteruses are good keepsakes. Everyone knows that.
I'd rather lick semen samples off windows than listen to this sheriff guy act.
Taking a shot at Freddy vs. Jason. My what big balls they have.
First boob of the night and it's fake. FML
fell asleep damnit.
@vinstem
well the movie title says it all
Yeah, set the zombies free. Great idea!
Did you see a sign in my front yard that reads "Deat Zombie Storage"?
a priest a clown and 2 elderly people walk into a bar...
man with so much blood and gore you'd think this would be better
Well, at least RetarDEAD makes you glad it's over
@morbidementia
I don't think I've ever had to wait for zombies this long...
They're trying to do grindhouse, but it smells more like outhouse.
Wow, more exploding helicopters. Wasn't expecting that.
An hour and 10 minutes into the zombie movie, and they just figured out they need to shoot the zombies in their heads. WOW.
I'm totally hatewatching this movie. All. The. Way.
Monsturd and Retardead both have awesome theme songs, I'll give em that.
@mrgablesreality
I don't even know if well get thru retardead were all too wasted.
I'm sorry guys, next time we do this were picking a movie with nudity
what smells like shit? This movie....aw yeah
"pants shitting terror" hahahahahaha
oh fuck! Did I shoot this movie!? Hahahahaha
lsd ring at the elementary ah hahahahaha
"Masturbator terrorizes neighborhood" is the greatest news headline of all time
that dixsketch is horrifyingly accurate
"since when is watchin pornos and drinkin beers official police business" hahahahaha
is it wrong of me that I want to tap that zombie ass?
electric chainsaw MASSACRE
before you want to hate me for making you watch this....remember I made you watch hercules.
this puking scene rivals the taint hahahahaha
Be sure to check out everyone's twitter page and follow them!
