Monday, March 21, 2011

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 1

MS Paint baby.

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 1 matches. First up, Quest for the Mighty Sword vs R.O.T.O.R. Both movies are extremely terrible but at the same time hilarious. This should be an equally entertaining match up. Next, it's The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision. TerrorVision is everyone's fan favorite in this bout but he will have his hands full with the overweight, underdressed AMAZING BULK. After that, Panman will faceoff against She. Is he a man's man who refuses to hit ladies or will he pummel her into the ground? And SHE, we know she takes shit from no man having built an entire civilization of man hating women so this should be an interesting fight. And last is Alienator vs Future-Kill. A match that everyone will be able to tolerate because they're so wasted. Nobody fucking likes either of them. So...whatever.

MATCH 1: Quest for the Mighty Sword vs. R.O.T.O.R.

Quest comes out swinging. Rotor is backed into the corner, Quest hits him with a right jab and he's locked in the turnbuckles. Quest backs up and runs....OH! CLOTHESLINE! Rotor is knocked down. Quest faces the crowd for a quick taunt and....Rotor has her grappled from behind. Quest, with a smile on her face, kicks back between her legs and delivers a devastating low blow. Rotor is down again. The look on his face is not one of joy. Pain. That is the look of pain.

Rotor is up and comes flying at Quest with a roundhouse kick...and Quest deflected it. She has his foot in her hands and...and...Rotor flips through the air, kicking her in the face. He pulls her up to her feet and delivers a snap suplex. Quest gets up and whips Rotor into the ropes. He comes back into A SIDEWALK SLAM. OH SHIT! He just got DOMINATED.

Rage swells in Rotor's face. He whips Quest into the ropes and...SPEAR! HE SPEARED HER RIGHT INTO THE MATT. HE'S UNRELENTING. He's on top of her pummeling her face. Bruises are swelling up everywhere. He's got her up on her feet now and...he's taking it to the outside. He's got the ringside steel steps and...HOLY SHIT! RIGHT IN HER FACE! That's going to require medical attention. After what he's done to her face today, there's no chance she'll ever get a date. Not that she was ever that hot to begin with.

Quest returns to the ring, fleeing in terror. Rotor...dear god no....he's got his special. He gets Quest in a grapple and...HE JUST LAID HER OUT WITH THE ROTOR SPINNER. TWICE! Quest is down...but Rotor isn't pinning her. What the fuck is he doing? I guess he wants some more. Quest gets back to her feet. She....dear god she's....HULKING UP. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? She is gaining momentum. She's coming at him with the jabs, left right left right. Into the corner. She's got him right where she wants him. She looks like she's about to finish it. She's got him between her legs...a place all of us have been...and...and... POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!! I THINK HIS FUCKING NECK IS BROKEN!! She takes the pin and 1...2...3!!!!! PINFALL!!

Quest for the Mighty Sword advances to Round 2!

MATCH 2: The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision

TV charges out of the gate. He is RELENTLESS! He's got Bulk on the ground. He is slapping him around like a red headed step child! Bulk has no choice but to head out of the ring and grab an equalizer - a stop sign. He's in the ring and...TV knocks it out of his hands and lands him with not one but TWO SIDE SUPLEXES!!! OH MY GOD!! TV HAS THE STOP SIGN!!

Man, I suck at this game.

TV is UNFORGIVING. He keeps beating the ever loving piss out of Bulk. His eyes have glazed over. His soul is no longer of this Earth. BUT WAIT! Bulk is up. He's knocked the stop sign out of TV's hand and he's got him in the corner. He hits him with the big head butt. And again. And again. AND AGAIN! How can TV take it!? Bulk takes a swing with the big right hand and...TV REVERSES! He lands a giant fist to the face and...

DEAR GOD THE AMAZING BULK IS BLEEDING!!! BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE!!! TV has his special meter...he's got Bulk in his grasp...and...and...HE HITS HIM WITH THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!! BULK IS DOWN! BULK IS DOWN!!! 1...2...3!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 2!

MATCH 3: Panman vs She

She attacks Panman wildly! This is worse than that time my wife caught me cheating on her sister! THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE! EYES! SHE'S GONE FOR THE EYES! Panman knocks her hands away and PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE! SHE IS DOWN! Oh my god, this is a SLOBBERKNOCKER.

She comes back with a running spin kick. Panman is down. She takes it to the top rope. She jumps and...PANMAN MOVES! She lands hard. Her gut has been BUSTED. Panman takes it outside. She flees to the opposite side of the ring and takes aid from an audience member. She grabs their...bouquet of roses? Here she comes. SHE HITS HIM WITH THE ROSES! The thorns! THINK OF THE THORNS! She is beating him with the bouquet of roses. Panman is....slightly annoyed. He gets to his feet and heads back to the ring.

She enters the ring and knocks him down with another spin kick. She attempts the top rope again and...MISSES! SHE MISSED AGAIN! Panman is on his feet. He tosses her into the ropes and...SPINNING DDT! OH MY GOD! SPINNING DDT! She is down. Panman is on top of her punching the shit out of her face. His fists are coming down like Asteroids of PAIN! He rolls She to the outside. Panman...what the fuck is he doing. He can't be...he wouldn't...

He's climbing the turnbuckles! From the top rope....FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE OUTSIDE! He has his special. He gets her to her the grapple...PANSLAM! He takes her down with the Panslam on the outside! He rolls her up for the pin...1....2...........3!!!! He's got it!

Panman advances to Round 2!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Future-Kill

Alienator charges FK and lands a clothesline. FK is down within 2 seconds. Alienator climbs the ropes. What is she doing? No way can she land this...SHE LANDS THE FLYING ELBOW! OH MY GOD! FK is crying like a little bitch! HAHAHAHAHA This is awesome!

FK is down. Alienator goes to the top rope and does it again. THREE TIMES! This is pathetic. FK is about as useless as a one legged man in an ass whoopin contest. Alienator has her special. She's got him in her grasp and...SHE HITS IT! The Cyborg Stunner!

But what's this? She's not pinning him. She's going for the tap out! She's at his feet...and...PUTS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! A move made famous by the great Bret "The Hitman" Hart. But he doesn't tap out. She lets him go. She couldn't stand his whimpy little screams. She's got him on his feet and...SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. Wow. Alienator is but a cat with its toy. She takes him to the corner and gives him not one, but three headbutts. FK is down. She's got her special again. FK is on his feet, Alienator gets the grapple...and STUNNER! But wait, she's getting him back up again...ANOTHER STUNNER! Wait, she can't be. She's got him up one more time....dear god no, let the man live! STUNNER! SHE LANDS THREE STUNNERS! He's tilting his head forward...can he take any more? NO! He's out! He's out cold. Alienator has just knocked Future-Kill THE FUCK OUT! TKO! TKO!

Alienator advances to Round 2!

Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality tomorrow for ROUND 2 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE. Round 2 will see Quest for the Mighty Sword vs Orca: The Killer Whale, TerrorVision vs Birdemic, Panman vs Alligator, and Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. So until tomorrow...take it easy. And watch bad movies.


  1. Awesome. I'll see you bitches in the 2nd Round.

  2. Come on' Round 2! Rumple all the way to the top!

  3. No way, Orca will swallow them all whole! Or tail slap the shit out of them. They better make that gold belt really fuckin big.

  4. Damn, R.O.T.O.R. was bounced in the first round. I'm going to have to go out in my backyard and shoot some tree-stumps with my pistol.

  5. I KNOW DTVC! I couldn't believe it either. And I WAS THE ONE PLAYING ROTOR. It was a sure thing...but I don't know what happened. I got too cocky I guess. My jaw literally hit the ground when I heard the 3 count. Unbelievable.

  6. I truly enjoyed the annihilation of Future Kill. That was satisfyingly brutal. And who makes Amazing Bulks bleed like stuck pigs?


  7. Dammit, "She" is out in the first round... now I'm kind of glad I have been busy and didn't check in until tonight. I got the sads.