The internet was all aflutter with this over the weekend...but so am I so here it is.
Duke Nukem, the game that defined most of our lives, is finally releasing a sequel. We know the man, we love him, and for reasons unknown there has been little made to replicate him. He's lude, he's crude, he doesn't fuck around. Guns, explosions, punching aliens in the balls, bangin strippers, pissing in the streets, he doesn't care. If its awesome, he does it.
Hail to the King baby.
I'm gonna dig up my old DOS Nukem right now. I'm fucking ready for this.
Look for Duke Nukem Forever to hit stores May 3, 2011. The day of reckoning has arrived.
Wow, this movie has a lot of balls. After doing a little investigating (I checked Netflix), this movie isn't even out yet and they have a sequel all worked out already. If you go to the website you can check that out. Among other pretty cool things.
Also if you go there you can read the synopsis. I can't copy and paste it and I have no time to write it down to type it here so I'll give you the gist of it: A farmer decides to take down an old tree, but when he does he finds a metallic object buried underneath. Once exposed to sunlight, it comes to life and opens....unleashing the awakened. (Aliens). And from there all hell breaks loose on the farm as they are cut off from society and struggle to fight for their lives.
Before I comment, check out the trailer. This actually looks like it might be a GOOD movie.
Whoa, was that Robert Picardo with a RIFLE? That's AWESOME! I don't recall him ever being that kind of character...the dude with the gun. He's always like the cool headed smooth talkin dude, but not much with the commanding roles. Not that I can recall anyway.
This movie kind of reminds me of Altered. That movie freaked me out. As do most "nasty aliens in the dark" movies do. I don't know why but creepy aliens (especially "the greys") freak me the fuck out and this looks like that kind of movie. I'm looking forward to it. I absolutely adore movies where people are out in the middle of nowhere, no chance of rescue, and there's a terrible evil that they must defeat. It's just a lot of fun in my opinion. (Examples: Tremors, Feast, The Thing.)
Although...we know there's gonna be a sequel so that must mean the aliens win. Fuck.
"This is better in both effects AND story than Pirahna 3D" - Alcohol Paul (paraphrased)
No words can express the amazingness of this movie, only this video can:
(NOTE: If you honestly have any intentions on watching this movie...skip this video and continue with the rest of the review. I would really hate to ruin the greatest part of the movie. You know what, just go to Wal-Mart and find this on DVD for $5 and buy it. Actually fuck that, rent it off Netflix. OH WAIT! WATCH IT ON INSTANT WATCH RIGHT NOW. Then come back to this review)
Because this movie is amazing.
Holy shit, that. just. happened. This actually happens a few times during the film where you'll be watching and you'll be like, "It sure would be awesome if that pirahna exploded out of the water and ate that guy" and then IT DOES!
Asylum, (the company that made this movie) I deeply apologize for every shitty thing I ever said about you. Your company always put out just awful awful movies and then you put out just awful awful rip offs...but now...I see the light. It was all working up to something bigger. Something...original. Something...MEGA!
TIFFANY! (Note: This is not in the movie anywhere...sadly)
Oh yes, my friends. There's an all star cast at work here. 80's pop legend Tiffany makes another feature appearance during Mega Pirahna. Also there's one of the Brady Bunch kids and an Aslyum movie veteran. But who gives a shit about them.
The story...doesn't need any explanation. Just go ahead a try and guess what this movie is about...I'll give you a few seconds...Go....1.....2.....3.....4.....5 - if you said...genetically mutated piranhas that grow large and eat people so the military has to blow them up...then you are correct. It's your standard Mega Creature Feature formula. It's been tried, it's been tested. Don't fix something that's not broken I always say.
Yes, this is more or less what you'd catch on SyFy on a Saturday night....but it's worth everything. If I were you, get the DVD 2-pack (like me!) that has Mega Pirahna AND Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus on it. So much amazing giant animal destruction....you can't beat it. (Plus there's all that sweet nudity on the DVD) The pacing in this movie (and more or less with MSvsGO) is actually pretty good. Things happen fast, people are eaten at a remarkably fast rate, things are exploding constantly (organic or not), and the CGI helicoptors look like something out of Mosquito. Just so much bad that you can't help but love the shit out of it.
Now what could possibly be better than all of this?
I don't know what to say. Is the world tearing itself apart? Is there absolutely nothing better to do than keeping ripping each other off? Hey, I'm all about the occasional ripoff or spoof, I saw BLADES over the weekend and that movie was like watching Jaws...with a killer lawnmower. (on Netflix Instant Watch!)
Actually that sentence is probably more exciting than SuperShark. Although there is a trailer...lets watch and see how shitty this thing is gonna be:
Whoa, Jimmie Walker. Bo Duke. Sarah Lieving? (She was in Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus) Whoa. That's kind of an interesting combination.
Dear god, is that a walking tank I saw? Kicking a walking shark in the face? And that shark can fly too? Wow. I still don't know what to say. I want to want to watch this...but I don't think I can. I mean...it's fucking insane...but enough is enough with these ripoffs and spoofs and all these ridiculous ideas.
Now, had that been a dolphin, I would be behind this project 100%.
On the plus side, this movie has brought someone to my attention. Fred Olen Ray. He is the director/writer of this movie. I really have never heard of him before but if you click that link to this IMDb profile...you'll see a very long list of shitty movies. With titles like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Alienator, and dozens upon dozens of softcore bikini titles. I think I may have just struck it rich with this guy. We will see.
(HOLY SHIT, I JUST SAW THAT I OWN ALIENATOR! I'm watching that later.)
The videos in this review are full of spoilers. Not that it matters...
For those about to Troll 2, I salute you.
HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT YOUTUBE! I'VE NEVER SEEN THE RANDOM FLY BEFORE! HAHAHAHA That is so AWESOME. Everytime, I swear to god, EVERY TIME I watch this movie there's something even more random and terrible that I missed before. I love Troll 2.
The plot of this movie, if you must know, is that there's a bunch of Goblins in the town of Nilbog (go figure) that disguise themselves as humans and get real humans to drink broth so they melt into a plant goo so they can be eaten. Although there's one little kid and his dead grandpa that have something in store for those pesky bastards. And it ain't Miracle Grow.
Troll 2 IS THEE bad movie experience. Bad acting, OVER acting, no acting, bad effects, horrible direction, great direction, confusion, blissful irony, consistent WTF moments, hilarious quotes, and just unexpected twists and turns. It is truly a movie that has to be seen to be believed. And once you see it....well lets say its like a virus...once you've caught the Troll 2, you spread it around to everybody.
Our first victim.
This is probably the only movie that I'll ever review several times. This is the first but I'm sure I can do better. I just love this movie so much. What isn't to love, I mean...
How can you not fall in love with that? I own THREE copies of this movie. Two on DVD and one on Bluray. And I don't even own a Bluray player yet. But when I do, you can bet there'll be another review...in sweet sweet High Definition. It's a thing of beauty, let me tell you.
There isn't one Troll in this whole movie. Not one. Lots of Goblins, but no Trolls. And that poster up there at the beginning of this review...none of that shows up anywhere in this movie. That kid isn't in this. He looks more like the Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5 kid. And there's no Trolls. With axes. Actually there isn't any axes at all.
Or COFFEE!
God dammit this movie is awesome. I just watched it last Saturday and I already want to watch it again! And as a bonus for all you folks out there that have Netflix...you can watch this on Instant Watch. So please, please...watch it, love it, add some of the actors on facebook (you know, Deborah Reed and Darren Ewing are fucking awesome to talk to), and then buy SEVERAL COPIES of this movie. Because if you do, and I'm BEGGING you to spend money on this movie because...
...Troll 2 Part 2 is coming. The script is done and the last I heard it was in production...in 3D. Nilbog 3D, fuck yeah! But the more money and hype they get out of this release then all the more likely I'll be watching Troll 2 Part 2. (There is also a documentary on how amazingly bad this movie is called Best Worst Movie. Watch that too...it's really good)
In all honesty, these videos in this review don't even TOUCH the amount of greatness in this movie. There are so many many more scenes that deserve attention but I'd rather leave them for you and your friends to see on your own. Scenes like...the bologna sandwich scene! The nut eaters scene! AND The greatest sex scene in all of cinema!
Death Race 2 comes out tomorrow. Whip out your wallets, Add it to your instant queue, Or just wait another couple months and pick up one of MANY copies sitting on a pawn shop DVD rack for $2! It's gonna be awesome!
I'm sure this will be just like the original...in that it's worth renting from Netflix and forgetting that it ever existed. But Danny Trejo stars...so I'm obligated to love it. And you should to.
Besides...Twisted Metal 2 was MY GAME back in the day. I played the shit out of it. Maybe they'll do a third Death Race that's international and they'll blow up the Eiffel Tower. I would buy several copies if they did that.
And also...
I watched many many movies over the weekend. Look forward to some amazing reviews in the next few weeks...and maybe into next week!
All day movie marathons are awesome. Especially bad movie marathons!
Wait a minute? This is a sequel!? Yes...yes it is. The cult classic Slime City is from 1988 and bears a remarking resemblance to Street Trash, meaning that they both contain a "booze" that causes people to melt. Although, the people from the IMDb forums are saying that Slime City is the inferior of the two. So why does this one get a sequel and Street Trash doesn't!? BLASPHEMY! But we'll never know...but let me tell you, this doesn't look half bad. I just love that the 80's is making a comeback. It's my favorite fucking decade if you don't already know. And not with just big names either (Rambo, Die Hard), now low budget shitfests are getting sequels. Makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.
Just bear with the first minute and half of the trailer...the good stuff comes after that.
AAAHHH YEAH!! BOTTLE FACE! AH HAHAHAHA!! That's looks pretty awesome! I LOVE 2011! Practical effects are making a comeback. I don't care how shitty it looks, it's way better than SyFy CGI. Fuck that! WE WANT THIS! SLIME CITY MASSACRE!
From the website:
Written and directed by Gregory Lamberson, the film takes place seven years in the future, after a dirty bomb has decimated New York City's financial district and reduced midtown to a post apocalyptic nightmare... "Slime City." Into this hostile environment arrive Alexa (Jennifer Bihl) and Cory (Kealan Patrick Burke), a draft dodger and an army deserter, seeking refuge. In a seemingly deserted building, they encounter Mason (Lee Perkins) and Alice (Debbie Rochon), two hardened survivors who teach them the ropes. In flashbacks, we see how Zachary Devon (Robert C. Sabin, star of the original) indoctrinates a prostitute named Nicole (Brooke Lewis) into his "Coven of Flesh," and we learn why he and his followers committed mass suicide. When Alexa, Cory, Mason and Alice discover Zachary's "home brewed elixir" and "Himalayan yogurt" in the ruins of his soup kitchen, all four characters are possessed by the spirits of Zachary and his followers, with outrageous results. Throw in homeless people, mercenaries, and mutant cannibals, and you have the recipe for an epic battle - the Slime City Massacre.
I have a feeling this movie is gonna be a lot like the trailer and this synopsis: 60% buildup (we know something awesome is gonna happen, we just gotta pull through this) and 40% COMPLETE FUCKING ANNIHILATION. I think it'll be worth it.
You can go to the website and buy the original Slime City on DVD RIGHT NOW. For only $10!!! That's pretty kick ass. As for this movie...looks like we can look forward to the DVD later this year. When? Who knows...but it's probably worth keeping an eye out for it.
I hope there's a soundtrack...that song at the end of the trailer is pretty awesome.
