The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 20

By all means, give me shit for putting Heart Font on a Klingon picture. I deserve it. But I'm proud of what I accomplished here, proud of what message that picture may convey. The Klingon love is a hateful process so his look of absolute crazy surely means there is a woman present. He wants to bone her in the most violent way possible. Love is in the air people. Bring it in...

Just kidding, we just want the money.

"OH fuck yeah, crank on that 80s soundtrack baby."

When I read the tagline, "Their dream house brought them together...Their neighbors are tearing them apart!" I really want to add a "LISA" to the end there.

Rest in Pieces is an interesting little movie. I think I would probably only go out of my way to watch this once. I don't see much point in ever watching it again. The story is interesting enough to keep me watching but in the end...I don't need to sit through another 90 minutes of this thing.

Rest in Pieces tells the story of a young couple who has just inherited a huge fortune. Their dear aunt committed suicide and left it all to them. They move into the house and strange things start happening. Soon they meet the neighbors...and turns out their dead. They all committed suicide. And they all did it in a way that it brought them all back to life. Now they enjoy having parties and killing people. Now the group of undead people are hell bent on turning the dear aunt's niece into one of them...per dear aunt's instructions.

This is one of the more forgettable zombie movies. There really isn't any zombie chaos until the last 10 minutes. The movie shrouds everything in mystery and reveals them to be zombies somewhere in the middle. But then they kinda just sit on that for awhile...after all there is millions of dollars at stake.

I think I would actually recommend this movie to people. Looking around on Amazon and it doesn't look like this is even on DVD yet. Kind of a shame considering people might like this movie. And you could easily sell it on cover art alone. If you get a chance, check it out. If you don't...whatever. Watch a Romero movie.

The Deadly Prey SEQUEL is seeking funding!

I want to take a step back from horror for a second to inform all of you that David A Prior, mastermind behind DEADLY PREY is seeking funding for the sequel! THE DEADLIEST PREY. (With the original cast too!) We need to make this happen. It will be epic.

Why? This is why:

Go to KICKSTARTER now and donate. The more you donate, the more cool things you'll get in return. (Like a copy of the movie for example.)

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 19

I was feeling pretty down last night. I got home and checked out my results for the facebook game I've been killing myself over and my numbers are just shitastic. UH...you know, you try so hard and it's just not good enough. So I watched Night of the Creeps on bluray and The Evil Dead Ultimate Edition and I felt right as rain. Now this morning, I don't even care anymore. My life is richer now that I've seen...

"Now he's stealing cars. HAHAHAHAHA"

Imagine an ass. Imagine that ass is 50 feet across. That's a huge volume of ass. Well, The Bloody Ape fucking ninja kicks that much ass.

This movie was made in 1997 but watching it you'd be sure it was filmed in the mid 70s. The picture is grainy and out of focus. The musical score is pretty much organs and some bashing on cymbals. And the sound...oh boy the sound is FULL of static. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's a wonderful little old throwback to the drive-in flicks.

Let's talk about how racist this movie is. Everyone gets a piece in this movie. The fat evil white guy, the corrupt jewish rabbi, the black guy, the slutty white bitches, hippies, they all get their comeuppance from the Bloody Ape! This movie sets out to offend...and I'm totally not offended. This is awesome.

And most everyone has really REALLY fake facial hair.

I would classify this as an exploitation movie. The Bloody Ape gets loose and goes around killing people on the street, breaking into houses, rapin chicks, rippin' off hippie's cocks. It's just so fucking awesome. Whenever they show the ape on the screen, they always cut the sound. It's just a crappy old movie score and video. You don't hear the ape growl or any sound effects from the Ape killing people. I really liked that aspect of this movie. It actually added to the fun of it all. And once in a while they'd add in a really fucking weird noise, like when the ape kills the video store owner. The owner goes to the back room and the ape is there, they cut back to the owner and there's this fucking weird noise that's like, WWWRRRHOOOWWERRR. HAAHAHAHAHA YESSS!!

They were even cool enough to add a blooper reel over the end credits. Just awesome.

The Blood Ape, you gotta see this. It's totally not for everyone but if you love sleazy trashy movies, you need to own this shit. You can buy it right here if you like.

Check out the trailer on the website. I can't find an embeddable trailer anywhere. Probably because the trailer is just the Ape killing a chick in the shower.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 18

A note to the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny-

I thought we had an understanding. I thought you cared about me. I know we had our differences yesterday. I deserved that Ulli Lommel movie. It was my fault for reaching down deep into your cavernous opening and pulling out that piece of paper. I'm sorry that I put it back and reached in for a different one. I can understand how you may have saw that as cheating...but honestly, I didn't see what it was. The tape is still there, it's still sealed. I'm sorry for taunting you last week. Your choices were amazing and I really shouldn't have gotten all cocky with how GOOD they were. You were doing me a favor and I was very unappreciative. But please, dear god PLEASE, stop making me watch Ulli Lommel movies. I think going INSANE will be the least of my problems.  Thank you and have a pleasant day.

"Why is there a GONG in the police station?"

I'm going to say something that I don't entirely believe: Zombie Nation isn't that bad.

What I mean by that is compared to the last 2 Ulli Lommel movies I've watched this month, this one is ALMOST tolerable. I haven't sat here in front of the TV begging for mercy. There seems to be some kind of story. I think the reason it isn't as bad as the other ones is because Ulli doesn't spend the whole fucking movie shooting in slow mo and overdubbing his own voice. That helps.

But mostly, this movie sucks harder than a Dyson in a carpet factory.

The story is a fairly simple one. You'd think that there'd just be some zombies running around eating people. No. Not the case. The first hour is devoted to this psycho cop who has a fetish for killing girls. (Does Lommel hate WOMEN or something? His main focus with all the movies I've watched so far is either making the woman out as the bad guy or there's just a lot of woman brutahlity) But, he drags women out at random (cursing their sluttiness under his breathe), and then he brings them to some warehouse and kills them. The thing is, he isn't methodical about it at all. He has a rookie partner with him everytime he does this. EVERYTIME. He just tells him to stay in the car while he brings this girl he's been mad at into this abandoned factory. And then he comes out empty handed.

What the fuck man.

And then around the one hour mark, all the ladies he's killed come back as zombies to get their revenge.

Pffffftt....whatever man. Nobody cares.

I think Ulli was trying to go for some kind of social commentary with this movie but I honestly have no idea what the hell that is. Like we're a Zombie Nation of bloodsucking women haters? Whatever, fuck you Ulli.

Chris Hewson over at Not This Time, Nayland Smith has been wanting me to watch this movie. I can understand why. That poor bastard has suffered (willingly mind you) through all of Ulli Lommel's work. So all of you should probably follow him. He is truly better than I. But he asked me yesterday about my thoughts on the actor that plays the psycho killer cop. His name is Gunther Ziegler. I LOVED that guy. I thought his general German hate really transferred well to kill happy psycho cop. He had a very powerful presence on screen. He also had a Christopher Walken-esque type presence. That's what I loved most about him.

Other than that....meh. If you REALLY REALLY want to kill some time, watch this movie. There's about ten thousand other movies I could recommend over this one but compared to the other Lommel works, this one is a cut above the rest.

I don't mean that as a compliment.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 17

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I actually got a decent amount of sleep. But now...Now I feel like I should call in to work sick and spend the rest of the day crying.

"dear god no. today I must watch Ulli Lommel's CURSE OF THE ZODIAK. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME BIG BLUE BOWL WHY!???"

I feel sick. HONEST TO GOD SICK. Ulli Lommel is the worst human being in films. He is doing things to me right now that I never thought possible. I want to put my fist through a wall. I hate myself for ever thinking this was a good idea. Ulli Lommel, I can't stand you.

OH MY GOD this movie never ends. If you want a seizure, watch this movie. There are constantly quick flashes over and over and over and it does absolutely nothing.

nothing
nothing
nothing.

This movie is 30 percent story and 70 percent some dude over dubbing nonsense. I guess the zodiac killer is supposed to be on a phone talking to someone, harassing them. But he's not talking. Maybe its all in his head? Maybe he's supposed to be some telepathe? I don't fucking know. He just keeps rambling on about Fat Fuck, Pretty Girl, Pretty Face, Hippy Girl, all these pet names for people he wants to kill.

UH fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I think that's the sound the Fuck Train makes as it comes into town to ruin my life.

Ulli Lommel, stop making movies. You have zero talent. You can't write. You can't direct. Your movies are unbelievably slow and painful. Whatever emotion your trying to make your audience feel turns to rage over how terrible you are.

I never thought I'd be calling out someone like that but this is just unforgivable. Ulli Lommel is fucking rancid.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 16

I stayed up until midnight watching The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror for 4 hours. I love October. That just means I got even less sleep now. Fuuuuck me.

On the plus side, it's Gable's Pick Sunday!

"OOOOOOHH! MORE LESBIANS!"

Strip Club Slasher is a deeply independent, Minnesota Made horror movie. Being from Minnesota myself, I was very excited to see what we can do.

Unfortunately, not much.

I really really wanted to like this movie. I followed it from the moment I heard about it going into pre-production and waited for it to get made and put on DVD. Now that I have it, meh. I can think of several other things I could do with my time.

I don't have to tell you what the story is about. It's pretty obvious.

The directing of this movie is terrible. The pacing crawls. During the lesbian scenes...and most scenes...the director seemed more interested in beating off behind the camera then actually directing. Everything seemed like it was done in one take. Most scene's shot held the camera on someone or something for far too long. Let's say someone is on a table about to get cut up. They set the camera up on a tripod and just shot the girl. Never zoom in or out. Never change angles. One take.

And the dialogue is awful. The jokes aren't funny. I really just wanted the movie to be over. I'm sure all the people involved with this thing love getting together and watching themselves in action but for everyone else...not worth it.

And don't get me going on the musical score. I think they had friends in bands and they just used their music. Not bad music but it just adds NOTHING to this movie. It's there for background noise only.

There are good things about this movie though. If you love lesbians and nudity....oh yeah, this movie is for you. All the chicks strip down and nearly all of them are lesbians. There's even a fairly convincing (but still obviously fake) 69 scene that's pretty awesome. That's my favorite kill matter of fact. The killer comes in and stabs a pipe through both of them.

The other thing is Rachel Grubb. She stars in this movie (and is killed in a pretty awesome way) AND she is technically a coworker of mine. She will be writing for The Chainsaw Mafia too. I was curious to see how she did as an actress. When I started watching the movie I was just like, "facepalm" UUUGGGHHHH....then she showed up. She's the only person in this whole movie that is completely comfortable in front of a camera. Her level of fuck giving is on par with that of Jack Deth. No fucks given. Love it! She made this movie better then it should be.

But even with all the good things, it just can't outdo all the bad things. And they aren't even good/bad. Whatever. I'll have to drink next time I watch this. You can definitely talk through this thing.

THE MADNESS: HACK N SLASH Week 2

This post is for the facebook game I'm participating in. This really doesn't have anything to do with any of my readers, I just need to post a weekly update of all the movies I've watched all week. But by all means, feel free to check it out. There's a lot of greatness going on here.

Boarding House

98 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.3/10
Gable's Rating: 6/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's gratuitous nudity, and at one point someone says, "I'll be right back."
Total Killcount: 10
Review: I give it a 6/10 because for everything this movie does spectacularly bad, it does something equally as amazing. In a bad way. Love it.

Alone in the Dark
96 minutes
IMDb Rating: 2.3/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: None
Total Killcount: 40 (approx. I let a lot of kills go because there were a lot of big slaughters)
Review: I give it a 7/10 because its Uwe Fucking Boll and this movie is the cream of the crop.

Roadkill (2011)
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.2/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: This is a foreign made movie. (Ireland)
Total Killcount: 13
Review: I give it a 8/10 because this is a maneater movie about a giant fucking vulture murdering people.

R.O.T. Reunion of Terror
82 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, The killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie, and the final girl is actually a guy. (Automatic triple bonus because the final guy is the lone survivor)
Total Killcount: 9
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie is amazing. I loved it.

Tamara

98minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.0/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: None. :(
Total Killcount: 9
Review: I give it a 8/10 because I really liked this movie. Loser girl dies and comes back to get her revenge.

Dylan Dog
107 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: None
Total Killcount: 4
Review: I give it a 9/10 because I Loved this movie. For me, this movie isn't very good but I could see myself watching it over and over.

Skinner

90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.8/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, someone trips and falls while being pursued by Ted Raimi.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 5/10 because it's Ted Raimi as a serial killer. But it also sucks hard.

Squirm

92 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.9/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity.
Total Killcount: 5
Review: I give it a 8/10 because killer worms. Nuff said.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.6/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: Sequel 4 or higher, The killer's face is obscured for the whole movie, it takes place on a specific holiday: HALLOWEEN.
Total Killcount: 13
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie fucking owns. Halloween 4 is the best one IMO.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
96 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.6/10
Gable's Rating: 6/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This is a sequel 4 or higher, the killer's face is obscured for the entire movie, takes place on a specific holiday: HALLOWEEN. Also there is a lot of kittens. I don't know how many points that is worth.
Total Killcount: 8
Review: I give it a 6/10 because Halloween 5 was ok. I liked it but when partnered with 4...there's just no comparison. This is the worse of the two. And the mask sucked.

The Devil Within Her
95 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: This is a foreign movie (British), and there's nudity. I don't know if a evil cursed baby counts as a slasher movie or not.
Total Killcount: 4
Review: I give it a 7/10 because it's a killer baby that is cursed by a jester midget. HAHAHAHA

Boy Eats Girl
80 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.9/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: This is a foreign movie (Ireland), and there is a character that trips and falls running away from zombies.
Total Killcount: 7
Review: I give it a 8/10 because even though this movie spends over half of its running time getting things set up, the last half of the movie is fucking worth it.

Ghost Rider
123 minutes (extended cut)
IMDb Rating: 5.2/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: None
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 9/10 because this fucking movie is awesome. Don't care what everyone else thinks. I love it. (yeah, it's total shit but it's amazing.)

The Tomb (2009)
89 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.1/10
Gable's Rating: 1/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity
Total Killcount: 4
Review: I give it a 1/10 because this is a complete waste of time. Fuck this movie.

The Gore Gore Girls
81 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.3/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, and the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the film.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie rules. It's...so much...blood.

Gothkill

77 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's an amazing amount of nudity.
Total Killcount: 28 (fuck yeah!)
Review: I give it a 10/10 because I love everything about this movie. It's complete win.

Super Hybrid
90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: A character slips and falls.
Total Killcount: 8
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this is a killer car movie and the killer car is actually a shapeshifting alien. YES!

The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror Marathon
4 HOURS
IMDb Rating: 8.9/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: None.
Total Killcount: I didn't count, it's a cartoon.
Review: I give it a 10/10 because it's fucking The Simpsons. Duh!

NEW POLL IS UP! Decide my fate for this Friday 10/21!

I think this is a pretty good mixup this week. There's a lot to love and a lot to be scared of. Let's see what you think. (Good call on The Gore Gore Girls last week. Fucking amazing movie. You guys rule.)

I vaguely remember this movie as it was finishing up post production. I think this movie is set in "real time". I also know the majority of the movie, if not all, takes place in a minivan. Hooboy!

Umm...this is all you need to know: (from IMDb) A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit.

Could Charles Band go THREE FOR THREE this month? I sincerely hope so. This is going to be awesome.

Let's see, James Hong as an eternal wine/film maker who is destabilizing as his life lasting serum is breaking him down. Well, I know I'M down for sure.

This is going to kick ass. I've seen production stills and it looks SO BAD! I love it. Demonic landlord FTW.