I just found the greatest worst movie you'll be watching this Christmas: Elf Man

Why the greatest? Jeffrey Combs is in it. (That guy can make a turd shine baby!) And why the worst? Well, this trailer pretty much speaks for itself.

Start stocking up on Eggnog now. You're gonna need it.

Alcohol Paul re-reviews (the last 20 minutes) of Eye of the Tiger (1986)

In an effort to make sure you all witness this movie, we're gonna keep Eye of the Tiger rolling with another review for Eye of the Tiger! Well the last 20 minutes anyway. And I only see this fitting going into Memorial Weekend. Gary Busey, Eye of the Tiger, one man defends his family and country from evil. That's what America is all about! So put your hands together again for Alcohol Paul's more sobering take on the last 20 minutes of Eye of the Tiger.

It all starts right...about...here...

You may recall that I did a review of the last 20 minutes of “Eye of the Tiger” which was just a recap with extra cursing. It’s hard to do a critical review because it really speaks for itself. I’ve recovered enough from the awesome force of this flick to have a few actual thoughts on it.

1. Gary Busey fights a motorcycle gang in this movie. For a group who spend most of their time hanging out in the desert processing cocaine, they’re a surprisingly safety minded bunch. Everyone in this group of rebel outlaws wears a helmet when they ride!

At the time Busey was making “Eye of the Tiger” he was an opponent of motorcycle helmet laws.

I think it’s no coincidence that the villains wore helmets. I also find it amusing that it took bashing his brains out to make him think twice on the matter.

2. “Eye of the Tiger” has a similar feel to “Death Wish 3.” Both movies feature an extended, stunt filled climax set to rockin’ tunes. Not to mention that both of them are about a man taking down an entire gang with only marginal help from a few friends. The tone is so close that I swore Don Jakoby (writer of DW3) had a credit on EOTT.

Turns out I was drunk when I watched it (big surprise) and had gotten the credits for another flick I had watched that weekend (“The Philadelphia Experiment”) mixed up with EOTT. Still, he may as well get a writer’s credit.

3. This movie is a surprising example both for and against the French auteur theory of film. Those cheese eating wine hogs suggest that a director is the author of each movie and that a director’s personal stamp is on each film they make. Since there are plenty of directors who have no sense of style and just seem to skip from theme to theme taking whatever work they can get, the theory has come to be understood as something that only applies to “good” directors.

Richard Sarafian made “Vanishing Point” in the early 70s, and it too was basically an action movie with cool rock music on the soundtrack. It suffers some of the same pacing issues (both movies are episodic and the episodes are hit ‘n’ miss). The intriguing difference is that “Vanishing Point” had something to say about how myths and heroes are born, and about how crooked authority is in America.

While “Eye of the Tiger” has a crooked cop in it, there’s no way you can mistake it for having a point besides seein’ stuff get blowed up real good. Not to say that it’s better or worse than “Vanishing Point,” just that they’re radically different in intent.

Here’s where the auteur theory gets mind fucked. Both movies bear a distinctive authorial stamp on them, but only so much as how the action is shot and scored. It shows that perhaps the “author” behind a good movie can perhaps be completely oblivious to the more high minded elements and themes. Auteurs can be just as likely to churn out a cheese fest (which the French should like. They’re worse than Wisconsinites when it comes to cheese).

Worse still… It means Michael Bay might one day (accidentally) make something as good and high minded as “Vanishing Point.”

4. This movie shares a psychic link with me. At one point I screamed “I fucking love it” as Yaphet Kotto was on screen dropping grenades from a crop duster. Moments later Yaphet Kotto had this exact line.

5. I really miss stunts. Real stunts where someone actually had to get in a car and drive it. Or jump off a building. Or whatever.

As movies have gone to using computer animation to show us nigh impossible feats, I can understand why the low budgeters have moved away from stunts. Stunts are pricy, dangerous, and hard to shoot. Computer animation these days is cheap.

What I don’t understand why big budget features don’t do more stunts. Real stunts. Not some guy on wires in front of a green screen (which technically can be considered a stunt). Have audience tastes really moved so far from mine that an action movie can’t be made without giant robots wrecking skyscrapers? Give me a shootout and car chase with some real ‘splosions any day.

6. This movie is fuckin’ win.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rise of the Animals (2012)

If I were to make a movie…it’d probably look a lot like Rise of the Animals. When I envision making a movie, I know I won’t have any money. I know I won’t have any talent. I know that the effects/lighting/sound/camera quality will be utter shit…but since I know that ahead of time I can use those things to my advantage. Play on the bad to make it good.

That is Rise of the Animals.

Take this scene for example. A cat is hissing violently at a clearly shaken up woman holding a frying pan. The cat ATTACKS! Aaaannnndddd somebody off camera just throws a stuffed cat at her, she bats it away, stuffs it down a garbage disposal and turns it on…then a ridiculous amount of blood explodes out of the sink.

That happens like 20 times in this movie. Whether it be stuffed animal/horrible hand puppet/or just some terribly rendered CG animal, the badness just never stops coming.

The story basically goes like this: Animals have lost their shit. Somewhere else a Pizza Boy and his trusty friend are on their way to see Babies with Rabies 3D. (OH GOD YES!) They come across a cabin filled with drunk hot chicks so they decide to stay and party with them instead. The next morning the animals start attacking them and then a whole heaping pile of hilarious awesomeness happens.

As I was watching this movie, somewhere around the midpoint I noticed a Dawn of the Dead poster in the background. That got me to comparing the basic plot of this movie to that one. Well, more Night then Dawn. Like, the animals are the zombies and they attack people holed up in a cabin. They get out and must defend themselves against the unending horde of murderous animals. Why are they crazed? No idea. Is the world ending? No idea. All that matters is survival…and if that means blowing up squirrels and rabbits then so be it.

I liked that. It’s like this movie was made for me. Rise of the Animals knows what I want to see and it just keeps delivering. And that’s what makes this movie so great. It has everything…the Jaws Shot (Where the camera zooms in on an object while the background is fading away), there’s crazy unneccary shaky cam, high body count, Wilhelm Scream (any movie that uses a Wilhelm instantly wins me over), and just so much more.

The direction is very impressive. Whoever is behind the camera has obviously seen a lot of movies. They don’t hold it on any one shot for longer than needed (unless there’s some intent at being funny). When the action picks up, so does the camera. They took every fun little trick that Fred Dekker ever used in Night of the Creeps and just applied it all here. I loved every god damn minute of it.

Now, when I made the comment about not having “talent” for a movie like this…I’m going to take that back. This movie has a remarkable amount of talent. You’d think that at least most of these actors would have poor line delivery…but they all did quite splendidly. That has to be a result of a laid back and easy going production. I can just see that they are all good friends in real life so they know each other well enough to just be themselves…and that really translated well to film.

I can’t recommend this enough. You’ll want to have a taste for bad cinema if you’re going to enjoy this. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY...and you'll be fine. Take this for example: Some douche on IMDb started a post about how terrible this movie is....and I gotta ask, "After seeing the poster and the trailer....what were your expectations?" Here is a member of the crew's response:

It just makes me love this movie even more. Because that is totally how I would have done all that too. (And the douche that posted the thread immediately retracted his statement after this HAHAHA)

If you need the big CGI, big explosions, big name stars, then you’ll probably hate this. But if you can sit back and enjoy hand puppet deer dragging slutty teenagers to their doom…then you need look no further than Rise of the Animals.

Rise of the Animals is currently on DVD and you can buy it on Amazon or from Brain Damage Films.

GOOD MOVIE REVIEW: The Reef (2010)

Twas the day before last and I was relaxing in the Gable cave. I was in dire need of a movie that would A. Be something I could fall asleep to, B. Be something I could shut off at anytime since I may have had too, and C. Be generally terrible because that's how I roll.

Ah, The Reef. The majority of shark films not titled JAWS are pretty bad so...what the hell.

Before I get into what makes this movie work, lets get the basic story out of the way.

You ever seen Open Water? Me neither. But I know it's about a couple that gets stranded in the ocean and has to deal with sharks. That's what happens here. Except this time there are 4 friends that are out to sea when their boat capsizes and they decide to swim for it. Then a great white shows up and starts picking them off one by one.

This movie was really good. Intense, well acted, scary. Reviews all over the internet proclaim that this movie is what people wanted Open Water to be. And I have to agree.

The first thing this movie has going for it is the characters. They're moderately interesting...but more importantly they're NOT ANNOYING. They're fun, likeable, and they start to grow on you. The one dude keeps a level head through it all and his decisions are always rational and well explained. It's like he knows what to do...even though he really has no idea.

But what really really makes this movie work for me is the direction. The way the director keeps showing underwater shots of the actors...and they're delicious legs...dangling in the water. Uuugghhhh...just reminds me of that horrible feeling of being in a lake or the ocean and just waiting for something to brush up against you. So one minute they're swimming along, all is well, then they see something. Or hear something. There's a brief pause, the guy puts his goggles on and scopes out the scene underwater...nothing there. Ladeeda, keep moving. Then something again...scope it out some more...then...I think I see something...underwater shot of them just hanging out in the water with absolutely NOTHING to defend themselves with...then...then...

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOLYSHITAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Oh god, I can't even imagine the terror a person feels in that kind of situation. You're completely at its mercy. If it wants you, it has you. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can stick together (which I was happy to see that they did) and that's really about it. You don't have any weapons, you don't have anywhere to go...it's just you hanging out in the water with a great white waiting for the right moment to strike. And strike it does.

The effects in this movie are amazing. Sure, some of it could be stock footage, but when the shark actually strikes and kills the swimmers...fucking awesome. Your jaw will hit the floor. It's never a gruesome thing, it's always just the shark cruising along, then it hits warp 9 and strikes, then drags that person away. Then there's the fear that comes along with that. Your just so helpless.

So pretty much all the things that you don't want to happen to you while your swimming in the water...happen in this movie.

I highly recommend it. It takes about half the movie to get going but that's what I expected. I can't fathom a way to make a 90 minute movie of people swimming in the water all that interesting...but 45 minutes...oh yeah. So just give it some time and you'll be pleasantly surprised. The first half is still pretty good character development but for the most part it really doesn't matter.

I say watch it. It was in my Instant Queue forever but I just figured it was another stupid generic shark movie. And after seeing it, I was so so wrong. Finally, a movie that makes me afraid of the water again.

GUEST REVIEW: Eye of the Tiger (Full Movie) from Legend of Steen

Ladies and Gentlemen, your new favorite movie:

Now I would like all of you to welcome another dear friend of mine: Legend of Steen. After catching wind of Alcohol Paul's love for the last 20 minutes of this movie he took it upon himself to watch AND REVIEW this masterpiece. (I did as well) So please, put your hands together for the Legend of Steen!

Eye of the Tiger

The bad memory, shitty Review

The Legend of Steen

I sat down to watch this movie on a Facebook recommendation of Alcohol Paul, (who did a wonderful job reviewing the last 20 mins of the film,  you should go read it.)

The film opens to Gary Busey as Buck Something, a Vietnam vet who is getting out of prison after serving time for murder charges.  It opens to Busey as he and Tony Montoya are gathering their personal things just before being let go.  Tony Montoya, tells Buck Andrews that, he owes Buck his life for saving him in prison and should he need anything to call him.

Buck Rogers heads home to the local PD office as the Redneck, Racist, Sheriff is his parole officer.  The Sheriff along with his black Deputy, Danny Glover (who is about to retire, and is getting to old for this shit)   The Sheriff, Wilfred Brimley, tells our hero he should leave town, and if he doesn't the Sheriff Diabeetus will make sure it happens.  Black Deputy, Winston (from Ghostbusters)  is sad.

Duck Dodgers (of the 21^st and a half century)  returns home to his wife and child.  Hugs, kisses and smoochy smoo.

The next day Muck returns to his job working construction.  (at this point in time I got up and missed some things)  Now it's night and Buck Buick is heading home, when he comes across a dirt bike gang led by Jeri Curl (who looks like Animal from Revenge of the nerds) and who appears to be John Cranston (Breaking Bad) trying to rape a local nurse. Buck comes to her rescue by revving his engine and tipping over a dirt bike, thus saving the princess.

A stupid woman from the news reveals Buck Hero's home address, and the evil dirt bike gang attacks the hero, killing his wife and sends his daughter into a coma. During this time we find out that the Sheriff is a BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy)  and is getting paid off by the super evil friends at their home base of bordertown (which we all know blaster master runs Bordertown)

Anyways this sets off a chain of events that has our hero Uncle Buck calling Tony Montoya, to get some help.  The Miami drug lord sends Buck, KIT (from knightrider) in truck form. Well Buck and retired deputy Al Sharpton use it to capture Jeri Curl (I think, I walked out again).   

While in the hospital an interesting way of explosives is used to find out the location (Bordertown) on Jeri Curl.  Having found out where his daughter is, Buck Reynolds, and partner Denzel Washington (Who apparently can fly a plain) rain down down fury upon the evil nasty dirt bike gang. 

This culminates to the the finish where the shittiest martial arts battle happens between Buck Marchini and Breaking Bad.

Recommendation: 4 out of 5 Ron Marchinis

Watch this flick for all the awesome 80s movies mashed into a P.O.S.

Gable here. All of this happens. All of this and so much more. It's really quite difficult to describe the vast epicness of this movie. It's so grand and crazy that you really have to experience. You're pretty much stepping into the mind of Gary Busey. They should've just called this Being Gary Busey: to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. It's THAT awesome.

Available on Netflix Instant and YouTube. GO NOW!

There are giant DRAGON WASPS coming!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Wasps just aren't big enough...and don't shoot enough fire out of their ass."

I know...me too.

Ah yeah, Corin Nemic. That guys in all the best shit. Sand Sharks. House of Bones. Mansquito. This is gonna be awesome.

Synopsis:

When her father mysteriously disappears on an expedition, beautiful entomologist Gina Humphries and her fiery assistant, Rhonda, set out to search the rain forests of Belize. Due to numerous robberies and assaults in the jungle, they are escorted by heavily-armed soldiers. Guerillas, lead by the infamous Jaguar, ambush the convoy and incite a bloody shootout. Just when things can’t get worse, a horde of murderous Dragon Wasps, massive flying bugs that shoot flame from their abdomens, swarms the soldiers. Now the military must defeat Jaguar’s bandits and survive the fearsome insect onslaught as they venture inside the Dragon Wasps’ hive.

This movie needs to hurry up and be in my life. No idea when this will be released....looks like a SyFy original so I'm sure they'll pick it up to air sometime later this year.

The Bad Movie Battle Royale CONTEST Winners!

Thank you everyone who picked their favorites to win it! Unfortunately nobody picked EITHER winner so that just means EVERYONE gets their name thrown into the Big Blue Bowl of Destiny! Here we go!

Congratulations to the winners! I'll be contacting you shortly. (Or by all means leave me a message here or send me an email with your mailing address) mrgablesreality (AT) hotmail (DOT) com

There are A LOT of super hero ripoffs coming from Tom Cat Films.

I stumbled across these guys yesterday. I'd heard of them before when The Amazing Bulk was seeking distribution. Tom Cat picked it up. So when I did a follow up check on their website not only did I find that Killer Gnome movie I posted earlier but also all of these:

Iron Soldier is available on DVD already.

Thor just hit Netflix Instant a couple days ago...review soon. It's like Thor and Iron Man had a kid!

I know we've already talked about this one but it's totally worth another look.

No trailer for this one :(

I like that even in the world of B Movie Superhero ripoffs that they managed to combine them into a single movie. We got the Beetle chick and the Black Bat in Avenging Force. That's just awesome. Now they need to get The Amazing Bulk and Thor in there for Avenging Force 2: Avenge Harder.

You can find plot synopsis' and other amazingness over at the company website. I was on their Twitter yesterday and I'm pretty sure I read some more titles that are coming soon too...so....HOORAY!