Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich (aka beating a dead horse)

Wait a minute...is that the same picture as Bloodrayne 2????

Holy shit, IT IS! Wow, that's some serious photoshop there. I would think it'd just be easier to take ANOTHER FUCKING PICTURE. Wow that a laziness that exceeds lazy and ventures into WORK.

I haven't even started this post yet and it's already a disaster.

But we all knew that right, it's another Uwe Boll movie! As hard as his movies may blow, I have a fond admiration for them. Because I can simultaneously drink furiously, have sex, cook a steak, and watch his movies without so much as losing my place within the story. Now those are some serious bad movie skills.

So here comes Bloodrayne 3. I saw the first one...and thought it was just horrible. Big budget horrible. That fucking movie had too much money. But at least I got to see the TX (Kristanna Loken) naked FOR NO REASON. I have not seen Bloodrayne 2 yet...but I do own it. So perhaps I'll wait until the third one comes out so I can watch both of them back to back. I'm looking forward to the gratuitous violence and nudity that happens for absolutely no reason other than to make the trailer look good.

Here's the trailer, see what I mean:

Wait a minute...Vampire Nazi's? With Clint Howard? Bloodrayne 3: You have my attention.


It's 1943 and the German army has spread its black tentacles across the European continent, mercilessly cutting a swath of destruction and carnage.
The Commandant's soldiers, led by his trusted Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), tighten their iron grip on a small eastern town and facilitate the movement of transport trains to the nearby death camps. Meanwhile, a psychotic Doctor (Clint Howard) performs grisly experiments on people in the camps - and has a strange affinity for cutting open vampires, when he can get his hands on one.
And where there are vampires, there's Rayne!

Now Rayne faces her greatest foe, a growing army of undead soldiers led by the Commandant. She and the Resistance must defeat the Commandant and his vampire troops before they manage to get back to Berlin, where they intend to make Hitler immortal.

Oh. My. God. That kinda sounds cool.
*NO MR. GABLE! Don't fall into the Uwe Boll trap*
Who the hell are you?
*Your conscience*
Ah, that's tits.
*Yes, well...don't believe the synopsis and trailer you have just seen*
Why, great conscience, why? There's fucking vampire nazis!!
*It's a trap. The Uwe Boll trap. Remember Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead?"
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
*If you don't learn from your past, you are doomed to repeat it*
Yeah, but its VAMPIRE NAZI'S!
*Fuck you, I'm outta here.*

I just never learn.


  1. Yeah, seriously. I might have to watch this movie as well because there's nothing in the universe that is more deserving of extreme, merciless, righteous, balls to the wall, hyper-gory, VIO-LENCE than FUCKING VAMPIRE NAZIS!

  2. Bloodrayne 2 was pretty rough, so buckle up. What I'm upset about upon looking up 3 on imdb, is that Michael Pare won't be reprising his role in part 2 as Pat Garrett. How awesome would that be, Pare as Pat Garrett fighting vampire Nazis? Also, the theme of vampires and Nazi's reminds me of a Forever Knight episode where that DJ met a young Hitler, and decided not to kill him. That show was great.

  3. People always say such great things about Forever Knight but I've never seen it. I need to get on that shit right away.