Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My pitch for: EVIL BONG 4

Look at the EVIL in his eyes!

Alright with Evil Bong 3D behind me, it’s time to look to the future. The future of Evil Bong. They eluded to a sequel at the end of Evil Bong 3D, they even gave it a title. This is my plea for them to hold onto that idea for part 5. We need to light a fire under this franchise and kick it right in the ass. Just the name EVIL BONG is enough to do that. But we need to show the world just how amazing it is. Being the Full Moon fan that I am, I have a good idea about how things work over there. So, let’s do this thing.

And Charles Band, or any of his wonderful minions, if you are reading this and like what you see…please steal it. I don’t even need credit. You can put my name in tiny letters at the end of the end credits if you have to. If this becomes reality…that’s enough for me.

That being said. I present to you, all you fantastically maniacal Reality Followers, this is:

EB4: Adventures Through the Bong of Time!


Brett: Ex-baseball star.
Larnell: Crazy dude that is very suspicious of police
Bachman: loves the gonge. And naked chicks
Allister: egghead.
Velicity: Larnell’s girl, totally hot and awesome.
Luann: Brett’s total bitch of a girlfriend.

Let’s get the objectives out of the way. FIRST: The Bong MUST be cybernetic. Why? Cuz its fucking awesome. TWO: Luann is a huge bitch. We’re gonna fix that. THREE: The fans demand a Puppet Master cameo. It’s happening. Accept it. FOUR: Someone needs to die. Evil Bong has not been very evil lately. It’s time to rectify that. FIVE: Deal with Brett’s issue at the end of 3. I won’t give it away…but something will have to be done about it. I’ll just vaguely talk about it. SIX: Make Rabbit (more) awesome.

We open up SECONDS after the end of part 3. They’re still in the Pot Shop discussing how big a bitch Luann is. Or if Full Moon can’t afford it, they meet up at their apartment or at a park or some shit. Anyway, the 4 stoners and Rabbit are chilling when all of a sudden there is a flash of light. Rabbit is the only one that notices it. He leaves the group to check it out. It’s a new bong. A cybernetic bong from the future that has the power to transport people through time (inside of it).

Rabbit is more then willing to toke from it. Cuz you know what…fuck it, why not? He is just taking a pull when the other 4 stoners see him do it. The clock on the front of the bong dings and winds backwards…sucking in Rabbit. The stoners freak out, “God damn it! These fucking bongs man! WHEN WILL WE LEARN!?”

(This would be where Brett comes in handy because they are out of weed and Brett has the hook up…if you know what I mean.)  So they kind of shrug their shoulders. They know the routine by now. Let’s do it. Larnell holds Velicity by the shoulders and tells her that its too dangerous and that she must stay here. And she does. (but she isn't happy about it) So they take a drag off the bong and are transported through time to…

…the jungle. They’re out in the middle of nowhere. While they try to figure out where they are, they hear a scream. They run through the jungle and see a topless Amazonian princess strapped to 2 poles (like the cover of King Bong.) Keep an eye on this woman as she will recur through all the time travels. Also, someone is sacrificed right next to her. On top of a pedestal are the Evil Bong and King Bong laughing at the white boy they just killed. Also, they’re flirting and getting freaky with each other and making fun of white bitches at the same time. One of the stoners, probably bachman, shouts “YO! EVIL BONG DUDE!” and they are captured. When they come too they are all strapped to poles themselves…about to be sacrificied. Bachman is next to the princess and he flirts with her. She likes it. After a minute of discussion the Evil Bong states she has no idea who they are.

And that is when the Poon Tang tribe shows up and starts raiding the place. They free the princess and the stoners and this is when Allister has the epiphany that they’ve traveled back in time. He puts the relationship and other shit together to come up with that. They grab the Time Bong. “It would appear that when we smoke from this bong we are transported into another place in time.” - “whoa, it’s like a really cool Quantum Leap.”

The poon tang tribe surrounds King Bong/Evil Bong and that’s when King Bong turns towards the ladies and says, “Hey Baby. You lookin mighty fine.” And the stoners smoke their way out of there too…

NAZI GERMANY. They show up in a bedroom. They look outside and see that there’s Nazi’s outside. They then look at the bed and this is the Puppet Master cameo. The puppets have just killed a nazi on the bed. ILSA (the Amazonian chick) is standing next to the bed with a whip in her hand. She commands Blade to attack the stoners! Blade turns around and sees the stoners looking at them. He jumps off the bed (PLEASE reuse that footage from the first Puppet Master. (2:40) I will fucking FREAK OUT cuz it’s so awesome.) and runs to attack them. The stoners freak out and quickly smoke again, this time being transported to…

A classroom. They see younger versions of themselves. They reminisce a little bit about the good old days. Bachman looks at one of the little girls and states how he always wanted to bang her. Brett hits him and points out that she’s 12. Then they see themselves in the back corner. Rabbit shows up as a janitor and pulls a joint from his front pocket. “WOW! Rabbit was the first to get us high!” Then Brett catches sight of little Luann. He goes over to her and has a little “chat” about how NOT to be a bitch. So he basically SCARES the nice into her. The other 3 go over and have a little chat with their former selves...and smoke their weed. One of them tells the young Brett NOT to smoke pot the day of tryouts. (which will make him a super star later) So basically picture some kids with some adults with Rabbit getting high in a play area. HAHAHAHA

The teacher shows up (ILSA/Amazon princess) and escorts them outside. Bachman flirts with her. She wants it so bad.  Larnell runs into Grandpa who is looking through the door at little Larnell. Grandpa says some really good things about how proud he is of him and how much potential he has. Larnell freaks out and grabs the bong immediately. “We gotta go, this is too fucking trippy.”

They transport to ancient Egypt. ALL KINDS of topless Egyptian ladies walking around.  A guard immediately spots the stoners, steals the Time Bong, and puts them in jail. While in jail they complain to each other about how lame this is, how much they hate each other, etc. Then they are summoned to the pharoah’s chamber. They are escorted there where…

…they find Rabbit in bed with a bunch of naked chicks eating grapes and shit. HE’S THE FUCKING PHARAOH! Rabbit’s all giggly and then he sees the stoner boys. He quickly explains how he became pharaoh. Some really fucking stupid story like he stumbled into an axe and it killed the pharaoh so the people made him the pharaoh. Then he says, “I thought I’d never see you again!” - “We need to get you out of here.” - “What do you mean!? Rabbit’s happy here!” - Allister speaks up, “Don’t you know what they do to pharaohs once their tombs are finished?” Rabbit - “No.” - Allister, “They shove a hook in your head and fish out your brains, then they mummify you and dump you into a room for eternity." Rabbit thinks it over a minute… “Ok. Let’s go.”

So the next 15-20 minutes is spent escaping the guards, trying to track down the Time Bong, and Bachman runs into an Egyptian babe (The Amazon Princess/ILSA/Teacher). He talks the other dudes into letting her come along because he believes their running into her isn’t by coincidence.

Did I mention that each time they take a hit and are transported to another time they keep getting higher. So each trip is funnier and funnier to them.

Anyway, they can't find the Time Bong. The Egyptian guards have them all cornered and just when it looks like they are about to die...Velicity shows up with the Time Bong. (From where? It doesn't matter!) They all take a toke from the bong quickly to escape the guards where...

They return to their own time, everything’s cool. Luann shows up and she’s all super nice to Brett. Making sandwiches and shit. She’s probably got glasses now. And she also tells him that he was accepted into the MLB. (because he changed his past, get it)  Grandpa shows up being a total dick but Larnell tells him that he overheard him at the school that day and that he wants to live up to him. So Grandpa is nice now.

Everybody happy. Of course if you wanted a bad ending, you could just kill one of the main characters in Egypt. Or leave Bachman behind because he wants to keep boning that chick.

But the last thing we see is a shot of the sphinx…and it has Rabbit’s face on it.


Something I missed: The bong talking. And its purpose. Thinking it over I think the bong transported to their present at the beginning to warn them not to smoke from the Time Bong. But that bong was too stupid to figure out that it was the very reason that it happened. So then it helps the stoners get Rabbit back to save the space/time continuum.

You could also slip in another Jack Deth cameo if you wanted. Like at the end before they transport back home they could go from Egypt to the future where Jack Deth is standing there looking at the bong. He takes it and sets it to their correct time. Turns out he was the one that created it as a cooler way to travel back to the 80s. lol. Fucking Jack Deth is awesome.


  1. The cybernetic bong could be named Locutus of Bong.

    "Resistance is like, hard, dude."

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHA Comment of the month. That's awesome.

  3. Great story idea!

  4. Hahaha launna is a bitch