It was about a year ago when I first caught wind this movie existed. Then the director, Lewis Schoenbrun, emailed me and we talked for a few emails and then he offered me a screener of the film. Of course, I accepted. I later reviewed it and it became part of the 2011 Bad Movie Battle Royale. Now, April 17th, The Amazing Bulk is coming to DVD.
(If you click that last link there, you'll find a vast treasure trove of amazingness nobody knew they wanted to see)
Synopsis:
Henry “Hank” Howard, an ambitious young scientist, struggles to develop a superhuman serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin's wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk.
The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city, destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin, and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.
When I first saw the cover for Aliens vs Avatars I was like, "Oh ha ha ha, The Asylum made a sequel to Alien vs Hunter, ha ha ha." But then I looked a little deeper and saw this:
HOLY SHIT! I KNOW THAT GUY! THAT'S THE GUY THAT WROTE AND DIRECTED THE AMAZING BULK! YES!
I don't care what this movie is about, the fucking cover is awesome and I've seen the quality of Mr. Schoenbrun's work: This movie is gonna own. See for yourself:
WHOA! There's some actual production value there too! YES! The kills in this movie are gonna be awesome. I've already seen TWO in a 40 second trailer, at that rate there should be what, like, 3000 kills total? (Bad Movie Math Not So Good) YES!
Hey, it's HEAVILY INFLUENCED by some recent movies, of course, but who cares? This is from the director of The Amazing Bulk, has a sweet cover, and actually looks pretty well made. Move over Aslyum, Lewis Schoenbrun is taking over.
This came out on DVD yesterday, you can buy it here. Also, check out this website that has it included on their roster. I assume its the official website.
Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 1 matches. First up, Quest for the Mighty Sword vs R.O.T.O.R. Both movies are extremely terrible but at the same time hilarious. This should be an equally entertaining match up. Next, it's The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision. TerrorVision is everyone's fan favorite in this bout but he will have his hands full with the overweight, underdressed AMAZING BULK. After that, Panman will faceoff against She. Is he a man's man who refuses to hit ladies or will he pummel her into the ground? And SHE, we know she takes shit from no man having built an entire civilization of man hating women so this should be an interesting fight. And last is Alienator vs Future-Kill. A match that everyone will be able to tolerate because they're so wasted. Nobody fucking likes either of them. So...whatever.
MATCH 1: Quest for the Mighty Sword vs. R.O.T.O.R.
FIGHT!
Quest comes out swinging. Rotor is backed into the corner, Quest hits him with a right jab and he's locked in the turnbuckles. Quest backs up and runs....OH! CLOTHESLINE! Rotor is knocked down. Quest faces the crowd for a quick taunt and....Rotor has her grappled from behind. Quest, with a smile on her face, kicks back between her legs and delivers a devastating low blow. Rotor is down again. The look on his face is not one of joy. Pain. That is the look of pain.
Rotor is up and comes flying at Quest with a roundhouse kick...and Quest deflected it. She has his foot in her hands and...and...Rotor flips through the air, kicking her in the face. He pulls her up to her feet and delivers a snap suplex. Quest gets up and whips Rotor into the ropes. He comes back into A SIDEWALK SLAM. OH SHIT! He just got DOMINATED.
Rage swells in Rotor's face. He whips Quest into the ropes and...SPEAR! HE SPEARED HER RIGHT INTO THE MATT. HE'S UNRELENTING. He's on top of her pummeling her face. Bruises are swelling up everywhere. He's got her up on her feet now and...he's taking it to the outside. He's got the ringside steel steps and...HOLY SHIT! RIGHT IN HER FACE! That's going to require medical attention. After what he's done to her face today, there's no chance she'll ever get a date. Not that she was ever that hot to begin with.
Quest returns to the ring, fleeing in terror. Rotor...dear god no....he's got his special. He gets Quest in a grapple and...HE JUST LAID HER OUT WITH THE ROTOR SPINNER. TWICE! Quest is down...but Rotor isn't pinning her. What the fuck is he doing? I guess he wants some more. Quest gets back to her feet. She....dear god she's....HULKING UP. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? She is gaining momentum. She's coming at him with the jabs, left right left right. Into the corner. She's got him right where she wants him. She looks like she's about to finish it. She's got him between her legs...a place all of us have been...and...and... POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!! I THINK HIS FUCKING NECK IS BROKEN!! She takes the pin and 1...2...3!!!!! PINFALL!!
Quest for the Mighty Sword advances to Round 2!
MATCH 2: The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision
FIGHT!
TV charges out of the gate. He is RELENTLESS! He's got Bulk on the ground. He is slapping him around like a red headed step child! Bulk has no choice but to head out of the ring and grab an equalizer - a stop sign. He's in the ring and...TV knocks it out of his hands and lands him with not one but TWO SIDE SUPLEXES!!! OH MY GOD!! TV HAS THE STOP SIGN!!
Man, I suck at this game.
TV is UNFORGIVING. He keeps beating the ever loving piss out of Bulk. His eyes have glazed over. His soul is no longer of this Earth. BUT WAIT! Bulk is up. He's knocked the stop sign out of TV's hand and he's got him in the corner. He hits him with the big head butt. And again. And again. AND AGAIN! How can TV take it!? Bulk takes a swing with the big right hand and...TV REVERSES! He lands a giant fist to the face and...
DEAR GOD THE AMAZING BULK IS BLEEDING!!! BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE!!! TV has his special meter...he's got Bulk in his grasp...and...and...HE HITS HIM WITH THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!! BULK IS DOWN! BULK IS DOWN!!! 1...2...3!!!!
TerrorVision advances to Round 2!
MATCH 3: Panman vs She
FIGHT!
She attacks Panman wildly! This is worse than that time my wife caught me cheating on her sister! THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE! EYES! SHE'S GONE FOR THE EYES! Panman knocks her hands away and PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE! SHE IS DOWN! Oh my god, this is a SLOBBERKNOCKER.
She comes back with a running spin kick. Panman is down. She takes it to the top rope. She jumps and...PANMAN MOVES! She lands hard. Her gut has been BUSTED. Panman takes it outside. She flees to the opposite side of the ring and takes aid from an audience member. She grabs their...bouquet of roses? Here she comes. SHE HITS HIM WITH THE ROSES! The thorns! THINK OF THE THORNS! She is beating him with the bouquet of roses. Panman is....slightly annoyed. He gets to his feet and heads back to the ring.
She enters the ring and knocks him down with another spin kick. She attempts the top rope again and...MISSES! SHE MISSED AGAIN! Panman is on his feet. He tosses her into the ropes and...SPINNING DDT! OH MY GOD! SPINNING DDT! She is down. Panman is on top of her punching the shit out of her face. His fists are coming down like Asteroids of PAIN! He rolls She to the outside. Panman...what the fuck is he doing. He can't be...he wouldn't...
He's climbing the turnbuckles! From the top rope....FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE OUTSIDE! He has his special. He gets her to her feet...in the grapple...PANSLAM! He takes her down with the Panslam on the outside! He rolls her up for the pin...1....2...........3!!!! He's got it!
Panman advances to Round 2!
MATCH 4: Alienator vs Future-Kill
FIGHT!
Alienator charges FK and lands a clothesline. FK is down within 2 seconds. Alienator climbs the ropes. What is she doing? No way can she land this...SHE LANDS THE FLYING ELBOW! OH MY GOD! FK is crying like a little bitch! HAHAHAHAHA This is awesome!
FK is down. Alienator goes to the top rope and does it again. THREE TIMES! This is pathetic. FK is about as useless as a one legged man in an ass whoopin contest. Alienator has her special. She's got him in her grasp and...SHE HITS IT! The Cyborg Stunner!
But what's this? She's not pinning him. She's going for the tap out! She's at his feet...and...PUTS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! A move made famous by the great Bret "The Hitman" Hart. But he doesn't tap out. She lets him go. She couldn't stand his whimpy little screams. She's got him on his feet and...SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. Wow. Alienator is but a cat with its toy. She takes him to the corner and gives him not one, but three headbutts. FK is down. She's got her special again. FK is on his feet, Alienator gets the grapple...and STUNNER! But wait, she's getting him back up again...ANOTHER STUNNER! Wait, she can't be. She's got him up one more time....dear god no, let the man live! STUNNER! SHE LANDS THREE STUNNERS! He's tilting his head forward...can he take any more? NO! He's out! He's out cold. Alienator has just knocked Future-Kill THE FUCK OUT! TKO! TKO!
Alienator advances to Round 2!
Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality tomorrow for ROUND 2 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE. Round 2 will see Quest for the Mighty Sword vs Orca: The Killer Whale, TerrorVision vs Birdemic, Panman vs Alligator, and Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. So until tomorrow...take it easy. And watch bad movies.
I have just witnessed The Amazing Bulk and its pretty safe to say that I too...have an Amazing Bulk right now.
Wow what an amazing movie...and it was something completely different than what I thought it'd be. If you haven't yet, check out the trailer here and then come back to this review. You'll understand just what the hell it is that I'm talking about.
I was all geared up for a balls out crazy, terrible CGI (on purpose), awful acting, terrible direction, shitfest. And not only did I get all that...but I got so so much more. I figured out in the first 30 seconds just what this movie is ACTUALLY about. You see, the first 30 seconds are rips of various big name production companies. So there's a ripoff Universal logo, Paramount, Fox, etc. Each of them hilarious. And then it dawned on me...perhaps this isn't just a dumb ripoff. Maybe there's some kind of context to it. Maybe...just maybe...this movie is actually a jab in the face of every OTHER comic book movie these days.
With the exception of Roger Corman's unreleased Fantastic Four of course.
You know what I mean, these 200 billion dollar budget CGI-fests that run around claiming to be amazing. (Which most of them actually are) Maybe this movie is just a social commentary on the state of our films these days. The heart of it all is lost on these kinds of films. Realism is dead. (Real meaning something tangible with the ability to see it and touch it.) This movie just show how RIDICULOUS it all really is when you strip it all down. Just one long fake movie.
Then it turns out that's exactly what it is because I had the opportunity to talk to the director/writer/editor, Lewis Schoenbrun.
Helluva nice guy lemme tell ya. I'm not trying to kiss ass or anything but after he told me that this movie was about spoofing comic book movies then this movie made a little more sense. At first I was all gung ho about the fucking great use of MS Paint...but then that picture became a little clearer for me. And I enjoyed every god damn minute of it.
Lewis, if you're reading this, I didn't upload this video. I just found it on YouTube.
Fuck yeah, did you see that big purple dude! HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT! That's how you make a movie friends. And I'm pretty sure that was the bald detective from earlier in the movie painted purple. HAHAHA That's so awesome. I'm telling everybody about this movie! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!
With a running time of around an 1:15, it makes for a lot of fanstaticness in one quick shot. You'd think that the whole green screen thing would get old pretty quickly but it doesn't. The background isn't half bad most of the time. It's just epic when they get in cars and stuff and it looks like it was designed using MS Paint. Dammit all if I didn't cry laughing. Then there's glorious stock footage of rockets exploding all over the world, purple paints hulk fists, and the required amount of black guys in a bad movie: 1. OH MY YES!!
The ending. Oh my the ending. Once you've accepted the whole, "this movie is a spoof of big budget movies" thing...the ending makes complete sense. But if you're just watching it for the sake of watching it, then you'd swear that you're high.
If I had to be critical of anything...and I hate to be critical (what kind of reviewer would I be if I wasn't?), I would have shortened the whole blowing up of things with the rockets. It's like a solid 5 minutes of stock footage of rockets launching and flying...then the whole scene with the rockets that seemed to be dancing to the music. That was funny...just too long.
Also, I would definitely definitely add a Wilhelm Scream in there. Personally, I think when that dude is crushed by the boulder in the castle. A Wilhelm Scream right there would have made this movie all that much more memorable. You just can't beat a well placed Wilhelm Scream.
And where's the post credit scene? All comic book movies have something for the nerds to geek out over. Perhaps the bad guy lives...or a foreshadowing of another badass superhero. Perhaps a female spider-man?
All in all, this is worth it folks. Its not available on DVD and I have no idea when it will but I'll be sure to let you know when it is. Currently, this movie is looking for distribution. So if you're in that kind of business and are looking to make some money with this movie get in contact with Lewis Schoenbrun and buy his movie. It's AWESOME. And I'm sure for the rest of you if you need to see this as bad as I did and you contact Mr. Schoenbrun, he'd be more than happy to sell you a copy. Actually, you SHOULD contact him and buy many copies of this movie from him. Just so I can get a sequel.
And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my post from the other day or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the first of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: The Amazing Bulk
Yep, that shirt says Big Nasty Bastard. And that's a thong. XD
Strength: 10 (He's big, he's huge. He will KILL YOU)
Speed: 1 (He's big, he's huge. He's slow as fuck)
Endurance: 10 (I'm certain he can take a beating)
Agility: 3 (He's built like a brick shithouse folks, that's his strength and his weakness. Not very agile)
Offensive: 5 (I say 5 because he's slow to attack so he's open to attack but when he connects, it's brutal)
Defense: 5 (I'd say more but he just ran away most times)
Recovery: 8 (Big purple dude comes back fast)
Bleeding: 3 (I would give him a 1 but he clearly bled during the opening scene of the movie so I say 3)
Overall, The Amazing Bulk rates an average: 5.63
That's kind of a let down. I thought he'd have done better than that. But the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I still have faith in the big purple dude. Ain't nothin can stop the Atomic Smash!
We just can't get enough of that purple bastard around here can we? He's like the annoying cousin that comes over to your family parties and never leaves. But for one reason or another you're ok with that because they're really fun to drink with and your significant other is out of town.
LET'S PARTY!
Click on it to see a much larger picture of it. I honestly think this guy could take Dr. Manhattan in a fight. Am I right?
A special thanks to the director, Lewis Schoenbrun. He actually tracked me down and emailed me the poster. And it was just a few hours after I posted the damn thing. How cool is that? I wish I would have seen it earlier but it went into the junk folder in my email for some reason...
...god I really wish I could make some joke about this movie being so awful that emails from anyone related to this film go directly into the junk folder...
...but I won't. We hold a sense of respect and honor for movies around here. (audience: FUCK YEAH MR. GABLE!) This movie is gonna be fucking INSANE. We all know it. You saw the trailer. There is nothing else like it. I can't wait. If my eyes had digestive systems, their stomachs would be rumbling right now. They're hungry for Bulk.
UPDATED! The director, Lewis Schoenbrun, emailed me the poster. How cool is that?
Nowhere does he ever say Bulk Smash. Sorry.
But it doesn't matter. Because this trailer, this beautiful trailer will solve any and all problems you have today:
Holy shit, did you see that car land on that chick? HAHAHAHAHA and all I could think of when the trailer started was...COMIC SSSAAAANNNSSS!!!!
Synopsis (if you need one):
Henry Howard an ambitious young scientist struggles to develop a super human serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin's wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk. The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.
Wait a minute...did the synopsis on IMDb start out with the main character's name as Henry and then turn it to Hank? Wow that's awesome.
Alright, this is obviously going to be pretty terrible. I can imagine this being pretty awesome if you were high or really drunk. Actually you might turn into the Amazing Bulk if you're drunk.
But on the other hand...I kind of like what they did with this movie. They wanted to rip off The Incredible Hulk, I get that...but how to do it with no money at all? The answer: MS Paint. Get some friends together over the weekend, improve some shitty story in an all green screen room, and play around in MS Paint for a few days. And bam, movie gold. (I'm sure the actual production was a little more involved than that)
Step 1: Rip off Incredible Hulk
Step 2: ...
Step 3: Make Profit
The Amazing Bulk is here and we should enjoy it. Actually make a night of it by watching other rip offs like The Black Knight - Returns and Metal Man! ALL THREE WERE PRODUCED BY THE SAME GUY!
