BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Troll 3!

You didn't know there was a Troll 3 did you?

This is most people's reaction.

If you're a Troll 2 aficionado like myself then you probably do. But for whatever reason you missed it...and it's very possible that you missed it because this is Troll 3 by fans only (far as I can tell). You'll either see the cover above on VHS or if you go to Netflix Instant and search for Contamination .7 you can find it or you might even find a copy of it called The Creepers somewhere but when it all comes down to it...it's fucking Troll 3.

Why Troll 3? What could possibly drive someone to make another Troll movie? Especially after the second one didn't have a single Troll in it? Well let me tell you something...neither does Troll 3. Actually, there isn't even anything that remotely resembles a Troll in it. It's about killer plants.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Yep. Killer plants. Killing people. So why do people often refer to it as Troll 3? Probably because it sucks on a level that trumps Troll 2 (not in a good way) but mostly because it involves a lot of the same people as Troll 2. And there's some little similarities that loosely tie them together. Like in ALL of the Troll movies...plants hold a strong central theme. And someone in a forum somewhere said it takes place in Nilbog...but I'll be damned if I didn't see any signs or hear anyone say what the name of the town was. Who knows...who cares.

And can you believe that this is one of TWO Troll 3 movies?

Fuck.

Quest for the Might Sword is also a movie referred to as Troll 3 because it is the Fourth movie in the Ator, Conan rip off, series of movies aptly named Ator III: The Hobgoblin.

This review has been known to kill people. I should probably post a warning.

Yes Ator THREE. The director of THIS Troll 3 also made ATOR 3...along with the first two Ator movies. And there was a real Ator 3 called Iron Warrior but the director was so appalled with its existence that he completely disowned it and called the fourth movie the third movie. It's fucking confusing...but what matters is that he used props from Troll 2, including Goblin outfits, for Quest for the Mighty Sword.

Now available on Netflix Instant Watch!

Netflix: Home to so many shitty movies!

Anyway, that's enough history for you. It's fucking amazing that I know that. NOBODY should need to know that. NOBODY. But alas I do, and that...for the most part...is what makes this movie bearable. Knowing is horrible confusing history makes me appreciate this all that much more. Troll 3 is no Troll 2 but there is still a lot to love about this movie.

If you dare to watch this, please just push through the first hour. I swear its not a complete waste of time. There are plenty of deaths from the killer plants and stuff but there really isn't a lot going on in the bad department. I might even dare say that it was almost GOOD. Almost. Not really. But regardless, there is a lot of actual story going on. Unlike Troll 2, this movie attempts to develop a plot.

NNNNOOOOOO!!! Nobody likes a PLOT!

But the last 20 - 30 minutes are pure fucking gold. I promise you that you will be talking about it for weeks. You will go to your coworkers and be like...you have to fucking watch this movie. It's pretty shitty but once you see the helicopter scene...this movie catapults from shitty to FUCKING AWESOME.

Everyone. Get ready to laugh.



HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god that's fucking awesome. That scene is the ONLY reason I pushed through this movie. My friend sat through it with me and he wasn't so sure he could do it but I kept telling him...you gotta wait for the helicopter scene, you gotta wait. This is all gonna be worth it. And once it happened...well we haven't shut up about it since.

Oh, and if you think I spoiled the best part of the movie. I didn't. That isn't the only blatantly obvious use of a toy vehicle in this movie.

If you made it this far...your head has exploded 7 times. Good night!