Tuesday, March 15, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Troll 3 (1990) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

Quest for the Mighty Sword is…is…it’s pretty terrible. I was so looking forward to it but it’s just not what I wanted. Granted, I knew full well this was gonna blow. I think we all knew that. BUT it just wasn’t entirely full of “good/bad” moments. I guess I was looking for another Troll 2. Which happens to be connected to this movie. But I'll explain that later.

Sure, there were still a few memorable scenes. This movie isn’t a complete waste of time. Like there’s this scene where they’re on their way through this palace and these guards show up and Ator (that’s the lead character) and his sidekick are weaponless. Ator looks to his sidekick, smiles, and reaches out his left hand. And suddenly a wrist weapon appears OUT OF NOWHERE and he blows the guards away. That was probably my biggest WTF moment. There’s several but that one just made several of my brain cells commit suicide.

Here, take this line delivery for example.

Epic Win at 0:35

HAHAHAHA! WOW. That’s just awesome. But can you really watch 90 minutes of this? I did. If you really REALLY enjoy bad movies and watch them for their ultimate shittiness, Quest for the Mighty Sword is for you. But for everyone else…pass on it.

The story starts out with Ator’s dad…ironically played by the same actor as his son…Ator. So old Ator must do battle against a couple of rapists.


Ator loses and dies. He gives his broken sword to be kept so that one day when young Ator grows up he may forge it back together and defeat the evil bad guys. And then...several years later Ator is all grown up and trying to find himself. He learns of the MIGHTY SWORD and decides to go on a QUEST for it. This lasts almost exactly 30 minutes. From the start of the movie. Ator’s ACTUAL quest probably only took 15-20 minutes. And WHERE does he find this MIGHTY SWORD you may ask? In his own. fucking. cave.

You could stop there. The quest is over. But why not press on? You've already wasted 30 minutes of your life. What's another 60?

He gets the sword and goes on a journey to rescue this chick that has been frozen in time since he was a baby. And also to find his mother. Who it turns out had sex with one of the Goblins from Troll 2. (Click that link, amazing Goblin make out scene) And ever since she had sex with said Goblin…she’s been a whore. For some reason she needs to keep boning guys to stay alive or something. I really didn’t care. Well Ator finds her…releases her from her curse…and she turns to dust. The End right?

Come along Robin! We still have 30 minutes of people's lives to waste.

WRONG. 30 minutes to go. Fuck, what do we do? Oh the time chick. She gets captured by a dude with horrible gonorrhea of the face who happens to have a statue fetish. He really fucking loves statues. And Goblins from Troll 2. So now it is up to Ator to save her. Ator uses his not-so-MIGHTY SWORD, his sidekick whoops ass with his boomerang of doom (that thing rules), and the day is saved finally ending the fourth and final Ator film.


Holy shit. There’s FOUR? Yes. And ironically…this one is actually titled: Ator III: The Hobgoblin. That’s THREE as in the NUMBER 3. The fourth film is the THIRD ATOR. WOW. Italian filmmakers are fucking awesome. You see…(I also detailed this out in the OTHER Troll 3 review I did)…The first 2 Ator films, Ator: The Invincible & Cave Dwellers (on Netflix Instant!), were done by Joe D’Amato. Then some other guy took over the third one…Iron Warrior. And it turns out Joe was so appalled with it that he refused to acknowledge its existence so he went out and made the “real” Ator 3 using some props from Troll 2, another film he had just wrapped up around the same time Quest for the Mighty Sword was made. Just you try and make sense of it.

So when all is said and done…eh. I’m sure I’ll own it just because its so terrible and I’ll need to have it. Because I need to own everything. But for now I’m content to leave it sit in my Netflix Instant Queue (for any of you that feel the need to test your endurance…have at it). I’m in no hurry to watch it again.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the twelfth AND FINAL of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Quest for the Mighty Sword.

So what if he's a woman. Did you see the picture up there?
He shows more skin than the women in this movie.

Strength: 3 (He looks built...but meh.)
Speed: 10 (He can run from place to place with the flick of a cut scene)
Edurance: 10 (He's ALWAYS RUNNING)
Agility: 5 (meh.)
Offense: 2 (sure he's got the big sword but he can't use it very well.)
Defense: 3 (He's always in trouble)
Recovery: 10 (but he always bounces back extremely fast)
Bleeding: 1 (PG-13 bullshit)

Overall, Quest for the Mighty Sword rates an average: 5.50 (impressive. I've picked him (her) to win and I'll stick by that. I think ignorance will get this one through)


  1. Man, sounds like you really took one for the team. Took it. All. The. Way. In.

    I had to watch her say "Back... to find the path... back... to the... middle world" over and over again because it just kept getting funnier each time! She failed so hard, I think I'm in love.

  2. Considering I just did part 2, and I've already reviewed parts 1 and 3 (this one is unofficially four), I guess I'll have to take one for the team at some point here too.