Night Claws (THE 80'S IS BACK BABY!)

HOLY CRAP! Everyone. Grab a drink and a cigarette. Cuz once you're done reading this article you're going to need both.

Night Claws. I can barely breathe right now I'm so fucking excited. I don't know if I can take it. This is the greatest news I've heard in a very very VERY long time. Let me tell you why.

Synopsis:

A small town is being terrorized by a killer Bigfoot. One that is blood thirsty, vicious and kills without warning and without discrimination. A scientist by the name of Sarah Evans shows up to help the town's sheriff and his deputy girlfriend Roberta hunt this thing down and put an end to the killings. At the same time, Hunter Crawford is a thug-like character who along with his two henchmen, is hunting the creature himself, for his own personal gain and he does not care who he has to go through to accomplish this. Enter Charlie Parker a tough east coast type who is on a survivalist camping trip, led by the seasoned survivalist Sharon Farmer at the behest of his young trophy wife and whom, by no fault of his own, winds up being used as bait for the creature, by Hunter. But there is more at work here than meets the eye...

Alright, that's pretty awesome. Another Sasquatch movie. (fuck yeah) But that's not what's exciting...

Next...this movie stars Frank Stallone. Sylvester Stallone's brother.

But that's not what's really exciting.

This movie is directed by David A. Prior. Famous AMAZING BAD MOVIE director of: Deadly Prey, Future Force, and Night Wars. (Among many others)

That's a little exciting. (Actually really exciting) But not what's making me freak out right now.

I slipped by an interview where David Prior describes this movie as having no CGI. All puppets and make up! Thank you David, bringing the true art of filmmaking into the new age.

That's awesome, but not what's the greatest GOD DAMN NEWS YOU WILL HEAR THIS YEAR!

Here's what I'm talking about. Night Claws. Has the GREATEST HERO IN ALL OF CINEMA. The man that hunted through the future. Mutinied in Space. Hunted the Streets. Commandoed the Strike...Commandoes.

Reb. Brown. (you'll click that link if you know what's good for you.)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



This is just so amazing! He hasn't been in a movie since the mid-90's! 2011 is the GREATEST YEAR EVER! I still can't believe this. He had better get his hands on some kind of automatic weapon and go ape shit on somebody. Nobody and I mean NOBODY can't outdo Reb Brown's War Face.

This movie is currently filming. As soon as a trailer appears I'll be jerking off to it posting it here.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I feel (a little) better now.

Roid Rage: The Movie ($#*&@%!!!!!)

Mr. Gable here with your daily smile. This movie is something I just "noted" awhile ago. There was absolutely nothing worth posting about today so I googled a couple things but came up short. That was until I found Roid Rage. This trailer is pretty "meh" until about the 45 second mark. Then I guarantee your jaws will hit the floor.

Roid Rage baby.

This guy's voiceover is AMAZING.

I don't care if that rips off Alien. That was awesome. Besides, I don't think that ever happened in any of the Alien movies so fuck them. They can make 6 Alien movies and not one of them has an eye ripping scene? What the hell.

Oh wait a minute. Read this synopsis:

Sammy Jenkins was a simple man who lived a simple life, until a genetic mutation sent his world spiraling out of control. Now, being hunted by the men responsible for his deformity, as well as the FBI, Sammy must fight back with his unique abilities in order to survive. Those unique abilities include the giant killer hemorrhoid growing out of his ass.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT'S A HEMORRHOID MONSTER! HAHAHAHAHAHA I THOUGHT IT EXPLODED OUT OF HIS CHEST! HAHAHAHA I THOUGHT ROID RAGE WAS "STEROID" NOT "HEMORRHOID" HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SO AWESOME!

Also, this ONE MINUTE trailer displays every great aspect of a "AWESOMELY BAD" bad movie. One liners, dead hookers, live hookers, lots of guns, ass eating, monsters eating eyeballs unexpectedly, science gone mad, a kick ass title and tagline, and GORE GORE GORE! You just know that this movie has so much more going for it then what they're showing here. I can't fucking wait to see more exploding bodies and ass monsters eating people's faces.

This is what I live for man. Roid Rage...WHERE ARE YOU!?

At the Hudson Horror Show in Poughkeepsie, NY on May 14th, that's where. Looks like a pretty good night to me. Wish I lived anywhere near there. Hopefully this movie can swing out my way to Minnesota so I can see it. We love our bad movies here, Roid Rage. Just sayin...I can guarantee at least 20 people. PLEEEAASSEE!!!

Anyway, enough ass kissing. Check out the official website for more information. And also go to their facebook page and beg them to come to your town. Or get this shit on DVD so I can watch it. I fucking need this man.

UPDATE: Just checked out the IMDb page...this is a short film. Only 14 minutes long. And probably the best 14 minutes of your life. I sincerely hope that this turns into a Hobo with a Shotgun type of scenario and becomes a full blown ass exploding movie.

From the director of Commando comes: GROUPIE

It doesn't matter how terrible horror plots get...because they will just keep getting worse. Thank you bad movie god! You are amazing.

From acclaimed camera wizard Mark L. Lester, director of Commando, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Firestarter, Class of 1999, and his most recent flick Pteryodactyl (HAHAHA) comes GROUPIE.

Synopsis:

When a mysterious groupie joins legendary cursed band, "The Dark Knights", a series of unexplained murders derails their comeback tour.

*facepalm* We're in for some real shit here friends.

Oh yeah, that's Eric Roberts. He's in everything from The Expendables to Sharktopus. (And that's just in the last couple years) If there's any reason you'd need to watch this movie, then he is it.

Honestly...it's looks pretty terrible. But you know me, I'll watch anything. So I'm sure this will hit Netflix Instant and I'll definitely slam down some rum. Then once my brain has shut down...I'll watch it.

But for the rest of you....Groupie is coming to DVD on June 14th.

Shark Attack & Monsturd Bad Movie Twitterthon 4/14/11

Last night I embarked on a journey. A sudden and poorly planned upon journey. But it was there...and it was awesome. For those of you that joined me...thank you. For the rest of you...next time. We will do this again. I'm totally planning some kind of Instant Watch Bad Movie Night for all of us. I don't know how it'll happen but dammit...it's happening.

So here's what happened. I watched a couple movies...and I commented on them via twitter while I watched them. It was a little frustrating at first because I was trying to eat, drink, get situated, and pet 3 cats and a dog at the same time. But once everything calmed down...I had a blast. It actually added to the experience. Like I was watching this movie with the world or something. I'm sure nobody was reading...but fuck it. You're reading this now so that's what matters.

First up was Shark Attack (the one with Casper Van Dien...I kept spelling it Diem all night) I chose this because I'd seen Shark Attack 3 (which is amazing) and some screen shots for Shark Attack 2 (which looks equally as amazing) so I wanted to watch the first one. And it also said on Netflix that it is only available until today...so I wanted to catch it before it went away.

After that it was Monsturd. A fucking shit-monster killing people. How can I resist!? Its been in my Instant queue forever and I've been really looking for a reason to watch it...but somehow I keep passing it up. But yesterday I finally cracked the seal on that bitch and watched it. And let me tell you....well I'll let my tweets tell you.

[anything in brackets I added here in this blog post.]

So without further introductions. Here! Is! SHARK ATTACK!

It's amazing I got past this cover art.

Alright everyone, SHARK ATTACK begins now!

Nu Image logo. Fuck yeah. Time to get my pizza on.

That guy is struggling to laugh. OH! Stock footage

With the openeing scene out of the way...i can only assume an hour of story is ahead [pay no attention to spelling errors...this was on the fly]

Really casper. Your shocked that there's shark attacks. Wow

After that shark gutting scene, this pizza doesn't look all that great.

Oh great.foreign stereotype. I'm thinkin he'll be taking over the comic relief position as well [and he did]

Its ok casper, there's no need to act too hard

RANDOM BAR FIGHT!

Yeah! Shark attack!

That was lame. It wouldve been cooler if it ate that kid [I stand by this statement]

Gotta love it when characters ignore warnings

HAHAHAHA THAT SHARK IS AWESOME! I'm surprised the paper meche held underwater

I see your tribe is filled with several angry mike tysons [comment of the night]

I bet if they looked in that guys freezer we could finish this movie right now

So they threw out bait on a chain...and the shark clearly attacked bait on a rope. Lulz

Ah yeah. Come on baby. Let's see dem boobies

Goddamn shark. You ruined everything [I fucking HATE YOU!]

With that disappointment....its rum time

So sharks cure cancer now eh?

Geez lady, you got some purdy lips. He'd better fuck her.

Nope

What the fuck was that all about [They went out into the water and were attacked by sharks. FOR NO REASON]

Shower scene...come on nudity.

SUNOFABITCHINFOREIGNERS!

Why does this movie keep avoiding sex!

ANOTHER missed opportunity Casper! Whatre you...gay!?

Hahahaha that geo metro just exploded [actually I think it was a VW Golf]

This bad guys acting is so amazing.

RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A WINDOW [I stole the RAOV bit from badmovies.org]

It took em an hour and a half but by god someone swore [hour and 15 actually]

There is NOTHING in those files. Hahahahaha

Wow. This movie is about oil and NOT shark attacks.

This sharkless climax is infuriating

Is shark attack some kind of casper van diem metaphor

Finally! Sharks! Eat ernie hudson

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH IT JUST BIT HIS ASS!!!!!!! This epic climax music is priceless!

Well that wasn't that terrible. Not good by any means but I'd watch it again.

[FINAL THOUGHTS: I liked it. I thought it was going to be a lot slower. They spiced up the pace with lots of random action that really had nothing to do with anything. But I'm ok with that. If it wasn't for Random Acts of ANYTHING this movie would've blown REALLY HARD. So thank you for that.]

Fuck yeah.

NETFLIX INSTANT USERS: Up next it's MONSTURD! Get your bad movie devices ready. The shit hits the fan in 10 minutes! [hahahahahaha]

MONSTURD BEGINS NOW! Thank you netflix instant. This movie is gonna be so shitty.

Jesus christ. Did I make this movie? [the picture looked like my handheld camera]

Butte county heh

Shark attack could learn a lot from this movie in regards to pacing

HAHAHAHA this sound is terrible! Did they record this off the camera!? Hahahaha

This guy stroking his chin is awesome

If I could say anything...id say this movie is off to a craptastic good start

Hmmm...lets dump these shit inducing chemicals down the storm drain. THIS IS AWESOME

HOLY SHIT! (just wanted to say that)

This overacting is so AWESOME

Chili contest, fuck yes

Shit monster yeah! 1 cop down.

RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A PUPPET! [that scene was so damned funny]

"youve got to be shitting me"

These effects are actually really good. Thank you for using practical effects. Fuck cgi. Also...these guys have been throwing up for 2 min.

That chick just said macho man. OOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEAAAAHHH

Monsturd just killed some guy. Anyone else see the smile on my face?

"youve been watching too many crappy horror movies sheriff"

I can't imagine this script being over 10 pages. This has to be amazingly adlibbed

This bartender is AWESOME

Holy shit. I need to own this movie.

Alright! Send in some expendables...the shit monster will take care of them [and he did]

Ewww, nasty. Tarantula. Blech!

Girl cop/guy cop drinkin in the office. I like where this is goin...

HAHAHAHA THATS AN AMAZING SOUTH PARK RIP! Mr spankey the easter turd! HAHAHAHA

Shit everywhere.

Wow rum is aweome. I didn't even notice the overdub on the audio [IT WAS SO OBVIOUS]

This went the way of shark attack and avoided the sex scene. There was even booze involved. At least the budget is an excuse

This cop with the megaphone kicks ass

I get it. This is a really shitty Jaws ripoff.

This needs to be remade with robert englund starring [they even mentioned Hollywood should remake it at the end]

"Where there is chili there is bowel movements!" "flies hurt the shitman!"

Hahahahaha pepto bismol! That's so awesome

Whoever wrote this is a damned genius

This suiting up scene is better than the entirety of batman and robin [everything is better than B&R]

This movie is the shit.

I love how the shit monster sounds like a T Rex

NO! Shit monster! NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!

That ending was epic. Monsturd was fucking amazing. Watch it now on netflix instant

I'm very much looking forward to the follow up to this: RetarDEAD. Also available on netflix instant

[FINAL THOUGHTS: Monsturd far exceeded my expectations. I knew I was in for some shit but what I got was some SHIT. And I loved it. The pacing was very well done and it looks like they just got a bunch of wise guys together and let 'em loose on set to do whatever the fuck they wanted. It was hilarious. The random scenes and jokes were amazing. I recommend this to EVERYONE]

Thank you for reading, thank you to anyone who participated. I'm definitely doing this again. Have a great Friday everyone!

Bad Movie Twitterthon happening TONIGHT!

In a little over 3 hours to be more accurate. I have the night off and starting 7pm CST TONIGHT I will be holding a double feature bad moviethon and YOU'RE invited. Join me at...

http://www.twitter.com/mrgablesreality

...for THREE (possibly 4) amazing hours of craptastic commentary on...a couple movies. I don't know. This is kinda sudden so I'll decide when I get home. So it'll be like some kind of amazingly rad surprise for all of us. And for those of you that miss it, I'll post the summary of this evening events tomorrow morning for all of you to enjoy!

I hope to see you tonight or at the very least tomorrow morning!

Night of the Living Dead 3D Part -1

Anybody remember the 2006 remake that you can ONLY watch in 3D with Sid Haig? That one that NOBODY liked. (At least that's what I hear. Its been sitting on my shelf for awhile and I really should get to watching it so I can judge for myself.) Well...it's got a prequel coming.

And I don't care what anyone says. This movie is gonna be amazing. You know why? Because it has Herbert West and the Wishmaster in it. Jeffrey Combs and Andrew Divoff.

Does it get any better than that?

Synopsis:

After inheriting the family mortuary, a pyrophobic mortician (ANDREW DIVOFF) accidentally exposes hundreds of uncremated bodies to toxic medical waste. As the corpses re-animate, the mortician’s inheritance-seeking younger brother (JEFFREY COMBS) unexpectedly shows up, stumbling upon a full zombie outbreak!

Nice! You know what this means don't you!? DON'T YOU!? This means that we have a possible WISHMASTER VS. HERBERT WEST SCENARIO HERE!! OH. MY. YES. It's the movie we've always known we never knew we wanted to exist.

Oh yeah, here's the Sarah Palin rippin, Zombie Fridge Baby, seriously lacking Combs/Divoff trailer.

I need. To see. This movie.

Mr. Gable's STORE is open!

UPDATE!

I posted the store and received some feedback and now I'm kinda pulling it back and starting over. I found a new website that give me a little more versatility (I.E. putting logos on the back of shirts) so until I finish with that, just hold onto your money until then. The other store is still up if you would like one of those shirts or other products.

Thank you for your patience. The badness will be back again soon.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE OLD STORE!

Naked Vampires (and Kevin Sorbo) in Tales of an Ancient Empire

The following is a red band trailer. So that means amazing vampire nudity. (insert happy face)

Synopsis:

The sword and sorcery epic, written by Cynthia Curnan, tells the story of a princess forced on a quest to recruit the greatest warriors of the ancient world to save her kingdom from a demonic sorceress. But the odyssey to find them reveals a secret past for all.

Tales of an Ancient Empire is directed by Albert Pyun. This man is responsible for tons of amazing bad movies: Cyborg, Dollman, Nemesis 1-4, 1990's Captain America (which is coming to bluray baby!).

That trailer needs to be recut and shortened. I am interested. And I'll be honest here...anything with Kevin Sorbo in it pretty much has me interested. I loved that man as Hercules and I'll always be a fan. He may not be the greatest and his movies might not always be the greatest but I will always want to watch them. But the trailer has a severe lack of Sorbo...and other recognizable cast members. Christopher Lambert and Val Kilmer. (UPDATE: I guess on the IMDb page, Lambert isn't even listed. That poster up there is an older poster since it says "Now filming" so he must have dropped out) Even if their parts are small, putting them in the trailer would make it all that more enticing in my opinion. But who am I? Nobody. I am nobody.

But regardless, I'll be seeing this. Looks pretty awesome. Swords, Nudity, and Kevin Sorbo. I'm so there.

Check out the official website for all kinds of amazing goodies. This looks like its available for purchase but all I could find on Amazon was a Region 2 version. And it's not on Netflix. Come on Pyun! Let's get this thing moving! I NEED SORBO!