The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 26

The light in the tunnel grows more rainbowish with each passing day. The pumpkin on the roof is laughing at me. I talk to big blue bowls. I punch imaginary clowns (cuz they deserve it) and worship at the alter of Atkins. Sleep is relative. Badness is life. Lead the churches to the answer. The one and only true answer. Ulli Lommel.

Resistance is Futile.

 

"Witches are Bitches."

Psychologists, listen up! To understand madness is to watch an Ulli Lommel movie. To help out your clients, you NEED to rent these movies. Analyze them...if you dare. Analyzing a Lommel movie MAY drive yourself insane. But if you survive it...you will live forever.

That brings us to The Devonsville Terror.

I somehow owned this movie for a long time and never knew it was an Ulli Lommel movie. That's a good thing. I wonder how many other phantoms there are hiding in there. Once I found out that I owned one, I nearly cried. I had hoped that my Lommel torture was over and I could enjoy the rest of the Halloween season. WRONG.

This movie is different than the ones I've watched because the ones I've watched are current movies from the last decade. The Devonsville Terror is from 1983. Knowing that, I went into this movie open minded. Maybe somewhere down the line, he drove himself mad and now that's all that is left for him to shoot.

The Devonsville Terror is about the town of Devonsville. 300 years ago, the town burned three women they believed to be witches. Now, the town is still overly religious and a new woman has moved into town. Shortly after some evil things happen and the town starts to believe that this woman is the reincarnation of those three witches all that time ago.

This movie isn't as shittastic as the other 3 Lommel movies I watched. This one is fairly interesting and has a lot to love about it. It's not the greatest movie ever and personally, I'm not a huge witch fan. If you dig old witch stories, then I'm certain you'll like this movie. Also, that creature on the cover makes an appearance.

What to love: They set witches on fire. That's awesome. The best one was they strapped a witch to a wagon wheel. They set the wheel on fire and then rolled the wheel down a hill. HAHAHAHA

And at the climax of the movie, three guys are quickly disposed of in a fucking awesome manor. All three involve their heads and axes/explosions/and melting. It was awesome.

As for the story itself...eh, it's fairly simple. Just an old witch burning and some religious nuts looking to keep witches out of their town. They get their comeuppance and that's why it's awesome. Plus it's only like 80 minutes long so that's not too bad.

Holy fuck, I liked this movie. WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEE!?!?!?

Here's the full movie if you'd like to watch it.

 

The Halloween Spirit is getting stronger within this one. 

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 25

I had this huge rant ready to go this morning. I woke up this morning and genius hit me. I knew exactly what to say today. It was all so clear. Then I watched 90 minutes of the above image killing people and...and now I just can't fucking remember.

Where in time are we?

"This isn't so much about men turned inside out as it is FISHMEN."

I was 99% sure this movie was going to suck ass. Cover's like that just never go over well. And this is an italian production. My experience with Italian productions is either hit or miss. BUT, what I have learned is that if you have an Italian production and the cover art looks fucking stupid...then you have yourself one hell of a movie.

Screamers ISN'T about men turned inside out. Actually that never even happens. What does happen is FISHPEOPLE. Fishpeople from the lost city of Atlantis. You see, this hapless crew of a sunken ship happens upon this island. A few of them are killed by the fishthings and they run into other humans. These humans are scientists and natives working together. They are communicating with the fish creatures for the purpose of getting all their gold.

That make any sense to any of you?

This movie is really fucking cool. The opening scene was out of this world. From that point forward, it's still really cool. People are killed at a fairly decent pace and when they break down and start telling a story, it's so imaginative and crazy that you can't wait to see where they go next.

I don't know if any of you know who Barbara Bach is...

She's ready to kill you if you don't.

...but she is the bond girl from The Spy Who Loved Me. (She also starred in The Unseen, Caveman, and The Humanoid) AND she also stars in Screamers. Barbara is a gorgeous woman. Even though she is fully clothed in this movie, she is stunning enough that it doesn't matter.

And finally, you should check out this discussion on the IMDb boards. It goes over WHY the opening scene is so awesome and all of the struggles this movie had during its release. It was released under several different names, footage was reshot, why there aren't any inside out people, really interesting stuff.

That being said, I really liked this movie. I watched Lucio Fulci's CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD yesterday and I would say that I liked this movie as much as I liked that one. I only compare them because they are both Italian productions and the gore is about on the same level. Although, Fulci's head crushing, gut spewings were much grosser. But Screamers holds it's own. Good pacing, interesting story, fishmen, evil scientist, evil rich white guy that wants to be richer, fun musical score, and Barbara Bach. You can't go wrong!

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 24

ONE WEEK LEFT TIL HALLOWEEN, ONE WEEK LEFT TIL HALLOWEEN, ONE WEEK LEFT TO HALLOWEEN, AND MY SANITY!

I've experienced several brain aneurisms over the course of the last few weeks but we're on the home stretch. After today we are down to 7 days left to drive myself insane. I've managed to keep my cool with the lady. No outbursts. No nothing. Her happiness is my pain. It's awesome.

Speaking of....have any of you ever put peanut butter on a hamburger? It's fucking awesome.

"How you know you're watching an 80s movie: The deer on the wall has white sunglasses."

I would like to know what your expectations for this movie are. Are you expecting some thrill a minute excitementathon where you are on the edge of your seat completely enveloped in the story and emotionally attached to the characters? Or are you like me and just looking to see a group of teen nobodies get their freak on and get murdered VIOLENTLY!

God bless America. That is exactly what happens.

The basic underlining story is a guy has to go to his old man's cabin to close it down for winter. He tells his friends and they all decide that they're going to go there with him for the weekend to get a little R&R. They get there, play a riveting game of Monopoly, and start getting killed in awesome ways. Like this one chick for example, he captures her and hold an axe to her throat...but that's not enough. He drags her into the toolshed, puts her on the workbench, jams a huge hook into her vagina (see hook above), THEN takes the axe to her. WOW.

This movie fullfilled every expectation I had for it...which was absolutely none. I just really wanted to see lots different kills with different weapons. This movie delivered. I don't care about the characters, I don't care about the killer, nobody fucking cares. At least the filmmakers knew that. They just wanted to put out a sweet little slasher movie that will gross out your girlfriend.

I guess what I didn't care for is they didn't conceal the killer at all. I guess it doesn't matter but I always loved that obvious "twist" ending. They think they're so clever but they just aren't. Oh well, whatever.

And the Mutilator took too fucking long to kill the teens. There was a good half hour there where he just let them live. WHAT THE FUCK! That's ok, in the end it was worth it. Most of them got their just desserts. Because they're teenagers...and teenagers need to die. (I say that with confidence because I myself am not a teenager and don't plan on being one ever again....so good riddance)

The Mutilator. I completely forgettable movie but a great time waster. I suggest watching this with a group of people that like talking during movies. There's no need to listen to the story, just pay attention when someone dies.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 23

Memory fading. Fading. Faaaaaaading. Gone. I completely forgot about badnetflix last night. I was out and about for the first two movies but I had planned on coming home and joining in on the third. Got home...straight to bed. FFFFUUUUUU!!!!!

Oh well. I got an extra hour of sleep last night. I'm feeling kinda good. At least for a couple more hours. HAHAHAHA

"This guy has Incest Jealousy."

You all need to the official website and spend $20 so you can get Incest Death Squad 1 and 2. It's fucking worth it.

Going into this, I expected something above the line of Ulli Lommel. (NOTHING can go under that line. Absolutely nothing.) I also figured it'd be filmed with camera phone. What I got instead was an actually decently directed movie, fairly well lit, and shot on a decent camera! And TITS, there's all kinds of nice ole tits in this movie.

If you love sleaze, you'll love this movie. It will blow your world up! There's a special place in hell for all of the people that watch this movie and smile.

The story is something like a reporter hears there's murders going on in this small WI town so he goes to check it out. There's this brother/sister team dragging people back to their place to kill them because they're a bunch of sinners. Also, they Incest each other. The reporter catches up with them and gets initiated into their little gang of killers. He denies, they let him go. Everyone lives happily ever after.

I hate to say this but it just goes to show you that MN just can't beat WI. Vikings/Packers. Strip Club Slasher/Incest Death Squad. There's something sick in the water over there. (That doesn't mean we'll give up though. The movie world hasn't met me yet)

Incest Death Squad is fucking awesome. Just so much unauthorized anal entry. And not with penises.

THE MADNESS: HACK AND SLASH Week 3

This post is for the facebook game I'm participating in. This really doesn't have anything to do with any of my readers, I just need to post a weekly update of all the movies I've watched all week. But by all means, feel free to check it out. There's a lot of greatness going on here.


Strip Club Slasher
99 minutes
IMDb Rating: 2.8/10
Gable's Rating: 3/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, A character trips and falls while being pursued by the killer, the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 3/10 because there's a lot of nudity in this movie...but it still manages to suck. 

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.5/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, This is a sequel 4 or higher, the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 12
Review: I give it a 5/10 because I had seen this movie a long time ago and thought it was pretty terrible. Watching it now...not entirely as bad as I remember. Better than Resurrection that's for sure.

Halloween: H20
86 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.4/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, it's a sequel 4 or higher, and the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 7
Review: I give it a 7/10 because I've always liked this movie. I think it's a fun little slasher. I see it as the Bride of Chucky of the Halloween series.

Halloween: Resurrection
94 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.9/10
Gable's Rating: 1/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: This movie takes place on Halloween, it's a sequel 4 or higher, and the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 1/10 because this movie can suck my taint.

Mammoth
90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.9/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: There are none.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie is a lot of fun. There's aliens and secret government officials and there's a killer mammoth on the loose and there's SUMMER GLAU and TOM SKERRIT! FUCK YES!

Don't Go in the House
82 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: There's nudity, a person trips and falls while being pursued by the killer.
Total Killcount: 5
Review: I give it a 8/10 because this movie is AMAZING. A psycho killer (like Norman Bates) brings women home so he can strip them down, tie them up, and torch them with a flame thrower. That spells win! If they would have had one more kill between his first killing and the finale I would've given it a 10 but it just kinda fell flat for awhile.

Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (the movie, not the show)
86 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.3/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: None.
Total Killcount: 2 (that I could see, probably more)
Review: I give it a 9/10 because I've always loved this movie. Joss Whedon is awesome. And so is Kristy Swanson. I give it a 9 because they killed Donald Sutherland far too early. Plus Paul Reuben is in this. That's fucking awesome! "You just ruined my new jacket, KILL HIM A LOT!"

Curse of the Zodiac
82 minutes
IMDb Rating: 1.3/10
Gable's Rating: 0/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: none. FUCKING NONE!
Total Killcount: 8
Review: I give it a 0/10 because you will get cancer from watching this movie.

High Plains Invaders
85 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.0/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: A character trips and falls, and someone says that they'll be right back.
Total Killcount: 9
Review: I give it a 8/10 because I love the maneater movies. This is just another in a long line of amazing maneater movies.

Zombie Nation
81 minutes
IMDb Rating: 1.6/10
Gable's Rating: 1/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 4
Review: I give it a 1/10 because this movie blows. Not any fun at all. I also call it a slasher movie because 75% of the movie is a slasher movie. Some dude killing chicks. Then at the end they come back to get their revenge.

Night of the Creeps
88 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.6/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity, stars Tom Atkins 
Total Killcount: 5
Review: I give it a 10/10 because this movie is perfect. This is one of my favorite movies of all time.

The Evil Dead
85 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.6/10
Gable's Rating: 9/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity, stars Bruce Campbell, a character trips and falls while being pursued by demons, and the final girl is a guy. (You can't kill Bruce)
Total Killcount: 3
Review: I give it a 9/10 because the only thing better than Evil Dead 1 is Evil Dead 2.

The Bloody Ape
77 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.5/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 11
Review: I give it a 8/10 because there's an ape on the loose and he's murdering everyone. I call it a slasher because if it wasn't an ape, you wouldn't ever know that it isn't a slasher. He slits throats and axes people. HAHAHAHA

Rest in Pieces
90 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.6/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: There's nudity.
Total Killcount: 7
Review: I give it a 5/10 because this movie is ok. I was glad I watched it but I never need to see it again.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)
95 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.1/10
Gable's Rating: 2/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: A character trips and falls while being chased by Freddy, someone says it's going to be alright.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 2/10 because this movie fucked up everything. They took the molester angle. Fuck you. If they would have just tried to be original with it, it could have been better. Don't try to recreate iconic scenes: freddy in the wall, the chick getting tossed around in the bedroom and sliced, and even the bathtub scene. All wrong.

Halloween (1978)
91 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.8/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: Takes place on Halloween, Killer's face is obscured, Nudity, Someone says I'll be right back, AND someone trips and falls while being pursued by Myers.
Total Killcount: 3 (I think)
Review: I give it a 8/10 because I liked part 4 better. The original Halloween is very iconic, that goes without saying. Just takes a little long to get to anything good. Still amazing. I love how relevant this movie was back in the day and just how relevant it still is. Timeless.

Friday the 13th (2009)
97 minutes
IMDb Rating: 5.5/10
Gable's Rating: 7/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: the killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie, there's nudity (an amazing amount of it too!), The title is a specific date, produced by Sean S Cunningham.
Total Killcount: 14
Review: I give it a 7/10 because the first time I saw this I didn't like it all the much but viewing it now it was kinda fun. Way better than ANOES remake and anything New Line Jason related. Just mindless violence. Didn't care for the tunnels though.

The Manitou
104 minutes
IMDb Rating: 4.7/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 2
Review: I give it a 10/10 because a woman has a tumor on her back and it turns out to be the fetus of a native american indian being reincarnated. Fuck yes!

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (I say it counts because there's aliens and it's a story akin to Moby Dick and there's those ear creatures that control your mind)
113 minutes
IMDb Rating: 7.7/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: None. Unless you want to count the Enterprise limping away from the Reliant as a character tripping and falling. HAHAHAHAHA
Total Killcount: I didn't count. I just love this movie.
Review: I give it a 10/10 because Star Trek fucking rules. Khan forever!

Monster High
84 minutes
IMDb Rating: 3.0/10
Gable's Rating: 5/10
Bonus Points: there's nudity.
Total Killcount: 6
Review: I give it a 5/10 because this movie is out there. It's pretty sweet but it isn't for everyone.

Halloween II (1981)
92 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.3/10
Gable's Rating: 10/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: Killer's face is obscured, Takes place on Halloween, there's nudity, and a character trips and falls while being pursued by Myers
Total Killcount: 10
Review: I give it a 10/10 because I loved this movie. I loved the intro and how seamlessly it tied into the original. I loved the higher kill count, the gore, everything kicked ass.

Halloween (2007)
109 minutes
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10
Gable's Rating: 8/10
Bonus Points: SLASHER MOVIE: The killer's face is obscured for 85% of the movie, Takes place on Halloween, there's nudity, and a character trips and falls while being pursued by Myers.
Total Killcount: 13
Review: I give it a 8/10 because the first time I watched this movie I really didn't care for it. Watching it now...I was really really into it...for the first hour and a half. I really enjoyed it because of the constant barrage of B movie stars with little roles. Richard Lynch, William Forsythe, Danielle Harris (NAKED!!!!), Danny Trejo, Ken Foree. But unfortunately, the last half hour of fucking irritating Laurie Strode SCREAMING ruined everything. She it just so fucking annoying.

PODCASTS!

I listened to the GREATEST MOVIE EVER! PODCAST this week. Here's a list of the episodes:

• Against the Dark (28 min)
• Alligator (27 min)
• Arena (26 min)
• Alien vs Predator (24 min)
• The Beast Must Die (23 min)
• Ernest Scared Stupid (21 min)
• The Guyver (28 min)
• Re-Animator (32 min)
• Santa's Slay (19 min)
• Troll 2 (35 min)

Total time listened too: 263 min or 4.38 hours.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 22

I think I'm a Bad Movie Zombie. I am sitting here in an emotionless state watching the greatest movie ever and all I can think about is A Gnome Named Gnorm. I really fucking want to watch that shit. I can't believe Stan Winston directed that amazing piece of cinema. But if I'm going to be a bad movie zombie I'm going to have to be awake all the time. No sleep. I wonder where a guy can make himself a zombie. Do I need to be bitten by another Bad Movie Zombie or can I just inject myself with some venom? Perhaps this Hot Sauce would do the trick? Can any of you hook a brother up?

I really wish my name was Mr. Armageddon.

And with that Wilhelm Scream this movie has COMPLETELY REDEEMED ITSELF!

Who here has seen Space Jam? It's that Looney Tunes/Michael Jordan collaboration where there are aliens that try to take over the Earth (I think) and it's up to a game of basketball to decide the fate of the world.

That's what Monster High is about except with no actual basketball players and the cartoon characters are monsters created by the diabolical Mr. Armageddon.

At first when you're watching this movie, you pretty much could swear you just dropped a bag of mushrooms. There's just no congruence or any sense of "story" or sanity. Crazy shit just keeps happening. And tits, TITS EVERYWHERE!

So a couple aliens, Doom and Gloom, steal a crate supposedly containing a doomsday device. In their escape, they travel to Earth. Also, there's this Head Monster overlord getting blowjobs and trying to destroy Earth...but he can't until the doomsday device has been recovered. On Earth, it turns out the doomsday device is a guy named Mr. Armageddon. He turns everything on campus into a monster and plans on taking over the world. Well after some shit happens, the humans challenge the fate of the world on a basketball game....which they win. And that's about it.

Be high when you watch this. Be drunk when you watch this. Watch it with people and get ready to laugh. There are a FUCKLOAD of stupid stupid jokes but they are so eye rollingly bad that you will laugh. If you take this movie seriously, you're a moron. It's just ridiculous. And awesome.

Or is it?

New poll is up! This is your last chance to push me over the edge! Friday 10/28

Here are the final 5 titles for you to destroy me with. This is your last chance! Let's make some CRAAAAZY HISTORY!!

I don't want to research this movie any further than it's title. Just fucking let that soak in. It's beautiful.

I've actually heard nothing but awesome things about this movie. So bear that in mind.

Kevin Tenney, director 80s classics Night of the Demons and Witchboard brings this 2007 movie. Is he still good or has he lost it?

Smokin' hot alien chicks killing people. You know this has an amazing amount of nudity.

This movie is going to suck AAASSSSS. I can't wait.

The 31 Baddest Days of Halloween: Survival Log Day 21

(Button generously stolen from Vincent's Handmade Art. Check it out, it's total win!)

I don't understand how my body works. The last two days I've been fucking just out of it. My body was drained and I just felt like dying all day. My temper was short. All that good shit. Well, last night I stayed up late (god bless you caffeine) and I only get maybe 4 hours of sleep? 5? and here I sit wide awake and extremely alert.

Just goes to show you I guess. Less sleep is better. Especially when you're watching...

"oh man, I got nothing to rip on. This movie has crossed the threshold of ridiculous and is god damned astounding."

Let's recap the synopsis of this movie for a moment (taken guiltlessly from IMDb):

"A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That is easily the greatest synopsis for a movie ever.

Going into this movie I expected the insane. That is really the only direction this movie can go. And after watching it...as insane as it was...it played it completely cool. For a story that is completely crazy this movie tells is straight faced. I will admit that I'm gullible. If someone tells me a story with a straight face, I'll believe it. My mind is open, anything's possible. This is one of those movies that does that....except there's no punchline.

The more I think about it, the more I feel it relates to Hellraiser. Perhaps Clive Barker loves this movie and was heavily influenced by it? I don't know. Just watching that Native American being "born" out of the back of that woman just felt Hellraiserish. Even Hellraiser's story is incredibly imaginative and The Manitou is just that...imaginative.

I think my favorite scene is when Tony Curtis (oh yeah, he's the star by the way) goes out to seek the help of a real medicine man. The Indian is really hesitant and tells him no. Then out of nowhere he tells him his fee and that he wants the money to go to the Indian educational fund. Then Tony Curtis asks him what's in it for him and the Indian replies, "I'll do it for Tobacco. I'm running a little low." HAHAHAHA!!! Yes! That rules.

I should also point out something about the DVD. I bought the DVD a few weeks ago and as I'm watching it I have to say that I'm really happy with the picture. For a movie from 1978, they did a hell of a job cleaning this thing up. (granted, I am watching it on an old tube TV too but still) I watched John Carpenter's Halloween last night and the picture on that movie, although pretty decent, still wasn't near as good as The Manitou. Halloween still had that grain, those little dark flashes that pop up while watching a movie in the theatre, but The Manitou looks fantastic. And I appreciate the Widescreen. This movie needs it. It's that epic.

Before I end this post, all I have left to say is the last 15 minutes of this movie will blow your mind. The action. The dialogue. The solution to their problem. The use of the word Manitou. Holy fuck. This movie is amazing.