Whether you’re a seasoned bad movie veteran or just some noob who’s been reading this blog on and off and have suddenly come down with a case of bad movie-itis…ORCA is for you.
What I most enjoy about Orca: The Killer Whale is how it can appeal to anyone. On one hand…it’s kind of a heart touching story about a whale witnessing his family being murdered by humans so he journeys to the human’s home to get revenge (HOLY SHIT! A backwards Moby Dick!)…and then on the other hand…the whale lights an entire town on fire, eats Bo Derek’s leg, and ALWAYS leaps out of the water after every victory. So much ridiculousness makes for a wonderful movie.
That trailer is EPIC! It even does it a bit of justice. Not only is ALL of that insanity in this movie but there is like a million times more epic scenes. Like when the Orca kills the shark....THAT was awesome.
So like I said, Orca is about a killer whale hellbent on revenge. He’s minding his own business one day when a band of shark hunters decide they want to catch a killer whale instead. They capture Orca’s wife and unborn child. And just before we find out that she was indeed pregnant…Orca’s wife attempted suicide. (Holy shit that scene was hilarious.) Well, Orca’s wife dies and that’s when this movie really starts to pick up. Actually, you know what? This movie never lets up. It starts out HUGE and its just one massive WIN after another. I swear its only 5 minutes between one amazing scene after the next. So anyway, Orca follows the murdering humans back to their oceanfront village that’s kind of built like one of Waterworld’s Atolls. (Why the fuck do I know what an Atoll is?) Once there, people start dying left and right, Bo Derek loses a leg, the town is lit on fire, and the town banishes the sea captain who caused all of this. Banishes him to the Arctic Circle…where the final confrontation of Man vs. Killer Whale happens. And let me tell you my friends, it was worth it.
The only letdown of this movie was lack of whale-rape. It had everything else. But no whale-rape. I just kind of assumed that with all the insanity that was happening in this film that the whale was just gonna leap out of the water, into the boat, and just molest the captain. Oh well, perhaps in the long awaited sequel.
Speaking of sequels…did you know that this movie was produced by Dino de Laurentiis? That guy responsible for making all kinds of amazing movies: Conan the Barbarian, Dune, Silver Bullet, Army of Darkness. Well he also made the 70’s remake of King Kong starring Jeff Bridges. Well…sometime in the 80’s Dino was thinking about doing a sequel to King Kong and he SERIOUSLY thought about putting King Kong against Orca. How. Fucking. Awesome. Is. That. I really wish that could’ve happened.
Oooooohhhhh SY! FY!
You need to see this movie. We rented it off Netflix so you should too. It’s one amazing ride. If you’re planning a movie night with friends or you are just sick of watching really shitty movies…you need to watch Orca. It will make everything you’ve ever seen moot. Orca: The Killer Whale. Fuck yeah.
And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
OOOOHHHHH!!! ORCA HAS ENTERED THE ARENA! RUMPELSTILTSKIN HAS NOT SEEN HIM YET! OH NOOOOO! ORCA HAS THE CHAIR...HERE HE COMES...AND....OH MY GOD!! HE JUST HIT RUMPELSTILTSKIN OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR!! HE KEEPS GOING AND GOING. IT'S A REAL SLOBBERKNOCKER! RUMPELSTILTSKIN IS GETTING PULVERIZED!!! OOOOOHHHH!! HERE HE COMES WITH....DEAR GOD NO....HE'S GOT A CHAINSAW!!! HE'S HACKING HIM TO PIECES!! NNNNNOOOOOOO!!! HE'S ABOUT AS USELESS AS A ONE-LEGGED MAN IN AN ASS WHOPPIN CONTEST!!!
I don't know what to say folks. Rumpelstiltskin was set to appear in the bad movie battle royale but it would appear that Orca has asserted his dominance here. I have no choice but to permit him into the royale. Forget about Rumpelstiltskin, Orca has entered the building.
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the eighth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Orca
Strength: 10 (he sinks boats people)
Speed: 8 (he's pretty quick...but he could be quicker)
Edurance: 10 (he swam thousands of miles with no breaks.)
Agility: 5 (eh...he could move a little better I think. The victory dance is worth points alone)
Offense: 10 (oh yes, he brings it to his opponents.)
Defense: 5 (Maybe he brings it a little too hard...never "really" defends himself. He'd kinda got a Death Wish)
Recovery: 10 (He bounces back pretty quickly)
Bleeding: 6 (He can bleed therefore he can be killed)
Overall, Orca rates an average: 8.00 (HOLY SHIT! That's the best score so far. And he really deserves it. Poor bastard's family was murdered. Before the murder I bet he would have only ranked around a 3 or 4....but since revenge took over his body...he's a terrible fucking force to be reckoned with.)