Xmas Week: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Welcome to the final day of Christmas Week! I hope you have all enjoyed the shit that I've been shoveling. It's been fun catching up on classics and finding new ones. I have even MORE shit that I'll be doing next year. Who knew there was this much crap for Christmas?

Certainly nobody in the 60s

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is probably the greatest worst thing you would be watching this holiday season. It's what happens when you mix one amazing title and invest about $50 into it. You’ll walk away from this either laughing or crying (possibly both).

How best to describe this movie? I guess I should really start with a warning. Don’t let the title and general shitty premise fool you. When presented with a title like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, your imagination might conjure up something similar to the opening scene of Scrooged, with an armed to the teeth Schwarzenegger-esque Santa Claus kicking in the front door of Mars and gunning down every green monster in sight, all while he chuckles and his belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. HO HO HO! How about a little Christmas FEAR!

But no. Santa conquers nothing. He barely makes it to Mars. This is, in fact, a kids movie. (with a totally bitchin’ theme song) You see, the children on Mars are depressed. It’s Christmas on Earth and they’ve been watching it on TV so they are naturally upset that they don’t get that same kind of happiness on Mars. So the King Martian (named Kimar…get it?) goes to the elder to seek advice. What follows is the single greatest display of acting in all of 60’s cinema.

They then decide that they must go to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus. Kimar rounds up his posse including Voldar (the evil Martian with the greatest pedo-stache known to Mars), Dropo (the dumbest cuddliest kid friendly Martian), and there was another one but I can’t remember. He’s just there to smash buttons. His name is probably Buttmar. (Get it? Cuz Kimar’s wife is Momar (mom martian) and his kids are Bomar (boy martian) and Girmar (girl martian). God damn this movie is genius)

Then they steal Santa and are headed back to Mars. It is Voldar that now speaks up and insists that this Santa must be disposed of. He lures them into an airlock and hits the button that starts a timer. Problem solved.

Nope. Somehow the magic of Christmas saved them. And Santa laughs in the face of Voldar. It is easily the most sinister laugh ever to ever exist. Ever. The kids join in and laugh at Voldar. It’s almost as if they are taunting him to try and kill them again. HA HA HA HA HA you can’t kill what is ETERNAL! HA HA HA HA HA.

Then they get to Mars, Santa makes some toys, kids are happy, the magic of Christmas saves another world this holiday season.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

There is so much creepy laughter in this movie. Either it’s the martians or Santa or the kids, they all just ham it up as much as they can. I joined in everytime they did it. And the dialogue…just terrible. (That’s how I like it) EVERYTIME anybody did ANYTHING there was ALWAYS a throwaway line about how it worked or what it did or why they need it. “This is my gay-ray, once I switch this button, flip this lever, point it at you, and pull the trigger, a rainbow beam will shoot from it and hit you in the groinsack and you will be instantly turned into a loin-clothe-boa-wearing fancy boy!” *not in the movie*

This movie is so far down shit road that you end up in happy land. It’s probably because it’s drives you there so fast that you have gone certifiably insane and just love everything. I watched Santa Baby 2 the next day while putting up some Christmas decorations and was not fazed by that movie whatsoever. Actually enjoyed it. WHY? Because Santa Claus Conquers the Martians makes everything better by default.

Now I own this movie on DVD. I’ve watched it the last couple of Christmases but this year I discovered that it would be playing at a local theatre at midnight. This is how the decision was made that this needed to happen:

Gable: Oh shit, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on the big screen!
Brain: We’re going.
Gable: But I already own it, and it’s not like it’s my lifelong cherished film that I think about in my dreams. I can probably let this one go.
Brain: No way man, this thing was on Mystery Science Theatre. There will be a crowd of gargantuan proportions lined up around the block to rip this thing LIVE. We’re going.
Gable: OH SHIT! That sounds amazing. We’re doing this…but it’s like $8 to get in. And another $5 to park. Is that really worth it? I mean, the DVD is right there. I could be watching this movie right now.
Brain: No. We are waiting. We need to see this on the big screen. When is the next time this will ever happen in your lifetime?
Gable: When I play it through my projector?
Brain: Fuck you, we’re going. There is no way we are missing all of this fun on the big screen.
Gable: Ok. I’ll send out a facebook invite.
Brain: Don’t tell them how terrible it is, they might not come.
Gable: Good point.

So I talked a couple buddies into going, we went, and there was a crowd of approximately 5 people, us included. Of my 2 friends, one fell asleep and the other was on his phone googling how to kill me slowly. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t have an HOUR of old Christmas shorts and cartoons before the movie. I loved the nostalgia and everything but a FUCKING HOUR? That’s a bit much. So our tolerance had already been hacked away by the time the movie started. And boy…did it start. I was complaining, laughing, crying, smiling, dreading, and loving every god damn minute of it. I’ll admit, I snoozed for a minute or two. (It was late!) But you know what, my brain was right. I did need to see it. It was worth everything.

So to conclude: Santa conquers nothing, creepy laughs abound, Martians have epic mustaches, and you need to see this movie. Now, if we can just talk Hollywood into remaking this masterpiece into Santa’s Slay 2: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it’d AAALLLLLL be worth it.

Now for your Christmas viewing pleasure...

THE MOVIE, IN IT'S ENTIRETY!

Merry Christmas Everyone! Have a safe and profitable weekend! Let me know what shitty movies you get so I can laugh at you....err nerd out with you.

Xmas Week: Elves (1989)

*Hey everybody. I'm having some technical issues. My computer has mysteriously stopped connecting to the internet. It's old and frail and I've been dominating it a lot lately so it isn't much of a surprise. All the WIN that comes through this blog comes through that computer so you know eventually we'd break it's hip with all this pounding we give it. So suffice to say I'm on my fiance's computer and I won't be able to bring you a quality post because I don't want to go surfing around for pictures and whatnot. (I don't want to accidently ruin her new computer) So, please enjoy the following review, naked as it is, and hopefully my issues will be resolved soon.

Let's. Fucking. Do. This.

(iOffer has so many epic bootlegs.)

I can see those of you out there who have not seen Elves may have some doubts. Doubts after watching the trailer. Doubts after seeing the general shittiness of the elf. Doubts that this movie is even about elves. Doubts about its leading actor Grizzly Adams. Doubts that this movie is ripping off Gremlins just a little too much. Doubts that you’d rather stick your tongue to a flag pole in the dead of winter than give this movie a chance. Well, to those of you that have doubts, I have three words for you…

FUCKING. NINJA. TROLL.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok, that isn’t in this movie BUT it is said at one point and I nearly shit myself. God dammit that’s awesome. And that is not at all the best part of this movie. If you like that one line (delivered by a 10 year old boy who loves his sister’s huge titties (his words, not mine)) then you are in store for 90 minutes more of the same amount of greatness.

(The following paragraphs are going to spoil the crap out of this movie. I just don’t know any other way to describe it without going into detail about what’s going on, there’s just so much. So please continue reading because honestly…it doesn’t matter)

Elves starts out like all great horror movies do, by someone spilling some blood in a sacred place and inadvertently resurrecting something evil. In this case, an Elf. Just one, not several like the title would have you believe. Rest assured that it is indeed an elf. So this naked elf immediately starts stalking chicks and killing people with knives. It even shoots people WITH A GUN at one point. And never once does that “dick sucking” grin ever leave its face.

(I love this movie)

From there we meet Grizzly Adams, who smokes a lot and is out of a job. Fortunately for him, the elf kills the mall santa while he’s doing lines of coke after molesting a female coworker. Grizzly is perfect for the job! Well, he has no home because he was just evicted from his trailer so he has to stay in the mall overnight. At the same time, the chicks that had inadvertently resurrected the evil Elf break in and are going to camp out, get drunk, and have sex with guys.

Did I mention that there is also a group of Nazis who are an Order of Elves, so to speak, and they are after the chick that spilt blood all over the Elf’s grave? Yeah, that’s in this movie too.

So the ladies have a party, the Nazis show up and kill the boys to get to the girl. The Elf shows up and puts a cute little Santa hat on and stabs a woman to death. (see trailer below) Then Grizzly Adams punches the shit out of everyone and only him and the girl escape. (oh, and the girl keeps call him Santa like he’s her daddy. It’s fucking creepy)

Then Grizzly Adams drops her off at home and leaves to go and talk to not one but TWO professional Elf doctors. The first one knows everything about them except what they do and he refers Grizzly to another specialist who understands their purpose. And what is that purpose you might ask?

The elf must have sex with one hot chick on midnight of Christmas Eve in order to create a superrace of human/elf hybrids to rule the world!

(I love this movie)

So the climax of the movie comes down to Grizzly punching more people, a revelation that the hot chicks grandfather is really her ACTUAL father after he had drugged and raped her mother for the sole purpose of creating a daughter with pure Nazi genes to mate with an Elf when she had properly “ripened”, and then the hot chick nearly getting freaky with an Elf, and that same girl stabbing that elf with a magical Christmas crystal and saving the world from a master race of really ugly children.

Thats just about the greatest thing ever.

You don’t get movies like this anymore. This movie is Troll 2 kind of awesome. Grizzly Adams is the single greatest dramatic actor of all time. His line delivery made me cry. He’s so charming and convincing that I nearly felt like an Elf was trying to rape ME! (No, actually he’s not a good actor whatsoever, but it’s so much fun watching him try)

The effects are where its at. That fucking Elf, it’s mouth moves about a centimeter, otherwise it’s just a doll rigged up to a dolly and drug across the floor to simulate its approach. HAHAHAHA It’s so epic.

Everything about this movie is just so fucking terrible that you can’t help but gaze upon it with wide eyed wonder. The dialogue is written and delivered with such craptastity that you’ll roll your eyes and laugh all at the same time. Elves is the perfect present for the holidays because just when you think you’ve seen all this movie has to offer, it gives so much more. You’ll be sitting there and be like, “Ok, killer Elf, that’s sweet” then BAM Fucking Nazis. And then you’ll be like “Sweet, FUCKING NINJA TROLL” and then BAM, Incest. WOW. Grizzly Adams, FUCKING WOW.

You all need to add this thing to your yearly Holiday rotation. You need to put this in with your collection of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, Santa’s Slay, Ernest Saves Christmas, and Thankskilling. Elves is the treat that will never stop tasting so so sweet.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Elves appears to be available on YouTube. Click here to start with part 1. Cancel your plans tonight, you're fucking watching this.



Xmas Week: A Christmas Nightmare (2001)

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air

What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' feet
That's the jingle bell rock

 

Do. Not. Watch. This. Movie.

If you do watch it, please let me know so I can drive to your house and slap you in the face. This movie is awful awful awful. When we have a fire next summer, I’m using this disc to start it.

Like some other “Christmas” horror movies, there is very little that is Christmas about A Christmas Nightmare. They flash dates on the screen from time to time (December 24, 2:13pm) like they’re Law and Order but that’s it. (pffft) The story goes something like this:

I slay me.

A man and woman are under protective custody and shipped out to a house in the middle of nowhere. Once they get there, strange things happen as the woman has visions and sees things upon touching various items within the house. Soon, a mystery begins to arise in the form of a brutal murder/suicide that happened 50 years prior in the very same house.

Something like that. I watched about 30 minutes of this movie until a voice in the back of my head said, “We’re done here,” and I fell asleep. I woke up 30 minutes later to discover that nothing had changed. The girl was STILL walking around touching things and having the same fucking visions. I forced through another 15 minutes of the same shit until I just gave up and fell asleep again. I woke up and it was 20 minutes into the beginning again. This shitty movie had gone full circle and started over again!

I didn’t even bother to go over it again, fast forward or not. I’m never watching this thing again. If this movie was normal speed, it’d probably be 45 minutes long. It's shot entirely in slowmo. Everything, EVERYTHING, has drama attached to it. From opening doors to walking briskly through the house, there HAS to be some element of drama.

AND WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRISTMAS?

If you’re making a Christmas Horror movie there’d better be a whole fucking lot of naked chicks getting strangled with Christmas lights and dudes getting thrown past stockings and lit on fire in fireplaces. THAT’S CHRISTMAS HORROR. This is just a stupid shit pile of fuckall masquerading around as something it is not. This movie is like the fruitcake of christmas movies. You get it but you'll be damned if you are going to eat it.

Filmmaker: I just made a really shitty movie, what am I going to do?

Other Guy: I think I saw a Christmas Tree in there somewhere.

Filmmaker: Yeah, it was in the house we broke into to film this thing. I kept it in there as background filler.

Other Guy: Here's what you do, slap some stupid Christmas title on it like, "A Christmas Nightmare", only less shitty, and then put some dates in there that make it seem the events in this movie are taking place over Christmas and you're good to go.

Filmmaker: GENIUS! But I don't have any snow in my movie.

Other Guy: Christmas in Mexico.

Filmmaker: GENIUS!

This movie isn't even the GOOD type of shit. I love shit movies. There’s always some little niche in there somewhere worth loving. Whether it be a bad angle, terrible dialogue, bad line delivery, stupid creatures, illogical decisions, crew members in the shot, SOMETHING! This movie has nothing noteworthy at all. All they had to do was get Clint Howard for a few hours and have him just wing dialogue and this movie would have won me over. But NOOOoooOOOO, nothing.

Sure, maybe something happened while I was asleep BOTH TIMES but I can assure you, nothing happened. Nothing worth anyone's time.

Apparently YouTube has it's shit together because they have refused to post a trailer or any clips. (God bless 'em) so instead enjoy the trailer for the infinitely superior The Nightmare Before Christmas because it's the only thing that seems to come up when you search for A Christmas Nightmare.

Xmas Week: Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging;
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging;
Not only green when summer's here,
But also when 'tis cold and drear.
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Thy leaves are so unchanging!

Or as Ernest would sing it:

If there’s an awesome way to screw up Christmas for everyone, Ernest is the man that’ll find it. I’m going to go ahead and assume you all know who Ernest is…that awesome guy full of heart and facial expressions. When he speaks he often mixes up one thing for another. His inventions are too brilliant for society at large. His thought processes are worthy of the study of scientists worldwide.

Ernest is, without a doubt, my hero.

I grew up watching all of his movies and pretty much memorizing them. I saw Scared Stupid in the theatre, I wore out the rental tape of Goes to Jail, and Goes to Camp was on TV all the time. There was never enough time in my life that I could devote to Ernest. I just fucking love that guy. He does the same routine over and over in all of his movies but it’s just so fucking FUNNY! I love it.

But for the better part of a decade, I fell off the Ernest train. It’d been forever since I’d watched any of them. So over the summer I picked up the triple pack with Camp/Prison/Stupid on it and relived all those memories of my childhood. I remember EVERYTHING. Those movies kick ass. It’s STILL FUCKING FUNNY! I watched them all at least twice this year, I think I watched Scared Stupid 4 times in October. HAHAHAHA, come on, FUCKING TROLLS.

Then I remembered that at one point in Ernest’s amazing career, he had saved Christmas. But I did not have that one. So I bought it. And watched it. And watched it again. God damn you Ernest, you’ve done it again…

Ernest Saves Christmas is more about passing the torch than anything else. Santa is old and needs to find a suitable replacement before Christmas Eve or all of the magic of Christmas will be lost forever. Santa has one man in mind and that man wants nothing to do with “Santa” or any of his bullshit. After some hijinks and some possible jailbait situations (more on that in a minute), Ernest discovers that Santa is indeed who he says he is and Ernest sets out to help him.

This movie isn’t so much in the story as what the hell is going on while the story progresses. There is without a doubt one recurring scene that happens periodically throughout the film that really pulls this movie together in a way that I don’t think it could without it….and that is Tom and Bobby in the warehouse with the Reindeer. In this movie, they are cargo movers for the airline and Santa has his Reindeer shipped to Florida where his Elves will pick them up later. They cut to these two in the warehouse where the giant crates holding the Reindeer in them are being held and I swear to you it is the greatest thing ever. They show you just enough and then go back to the movie. At first they argue over the packing slip name, Halper Elmes or Helper Elves, then the crates move, then they discover the Reindeer, then the Reindeer fly, it’s just so fucking awesome.

But I can’t forget Ernest. That guy keeps the rest of the movie moving along hilariously while that stuff isn’t happening. Of course, he puts on a few other character hats along the way as he does in all of this movies, but for the most part it’s good ole Ernest saving the day.

He even hops in Santa’s sleigh at one point and puts Superman to shame.

Getting back to the jailbait situation I was “teasing” earlier. In this movie Ernest is a taxi driver. While he’s driving Santa around, this young girl, maybe 15 years old, jumps in the taxi with him and Santa because she is running away from some guy. She’s running away because she was in a restaurant and didn’t want to pay the bill. So Ernest drops off Santa and then we cut to the next morning….and this 15 year old girl had spent the night at Ernest’s house. WWWHHHHAAATTT!? I don’t know about any of you but my tainted mind went apeshit over the possibilities about what happened from sundown to breakfast at the Ernest household. She’s a runaway, she hates life, she has no money, she’s looking for attention in anyway she can get it…and you can about imagine the lengths this girl would go to for a place to sleep.

And THAT, my friends, is how I ruin all of your childhoods.

 eh heh heh heh heh heh!

This is one of the few movies you’ll find on this blog that is perfect for everyone. (jailbait aside) Anyone from toddlers to old people will enjoy it. It’s a unique Christmas story brought to life by colorful characters and it’s something that you don’t want to miss.

And another unexpected christmas present to you all:

THE MOVIE IN ITS ENTIRETY!

(click the link to go to YouTube to watch it)

Merry Christmas everybody!

One Week Only: A Very Merry Gable Christmas!

I'm coming off hiatus next week (FOR THE WHOLE WEEK!, then I'll triumphantly return to the blog in 2012) to bring you 5 days of the greatest bad movie Christmas has to offer! 5 Days of Reviews, News, and maybe something else. I haven't quite figured it all out yet. But there'll be reviews for sure.

Get your kleenex's ready because you might just cry it's so inspiring. I'm gonna pump the spirit of Christmas into you whether you like it or not. We'll see you next week!

Mr. Gable's: Twas the Night Before Christmas (Merry Christmas Everyone!!!)

I just want to take this time to wish all of my readers a Merry Christmas! Please be safe and I hope you get all the crap you don't need on your list. I know I am!

The Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time: Santa's Slay.

And I also want to let everyone know that I'm going to take next week off from blogging. Just a short vacation from everything to end out the year. It's been an amazing time meeting all of you and shooting the shit about everything. I can't wait until 2011. It's going to be an amazing year, let me tell you. I have some pretty crazy plans and I hope you'll all be here to join me. Some ideas include...Better Reviews (with some kind of badometer), All Day Leprechaun Marathon (for St. Patty's Day), All Day Puppet Master marathon (if I don't go insane), a Bad Movie Battle Royal, and of course another 31 Baddest Days of Halloween. (To be determined)

To end out the year and to celebrate the Holiday Season I present to you this poem...

Mr. Gable's: Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the basement
Mr. Gable was drunk and watching something demented
The stockings were hung by the TV with care,
In hopes that bad movies soon would be there.

The wife was asleep, passed out on Jim Beam
While images of topless chicks danced on the screen.
I slammed down the rum, let out a hiss,
Rose to my feet, I needed to piss!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my (sawed off double barreled) Remington to see what was the matter.
Away to the front lawn I stumbled real slow,
And pumped two rounds into the fresh fallen snow.

I stumbled and grumbled, no clue where I was,
I sure could use the help of Chuck Norris.
When, what to my blurred vision should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny men with beards.

I fed two more rounds into the cold chamber
I missed the sleigh and hit my Ford Ranger.
That fat old man, so lively and quick,
He’s trying to escape! That guy that looks like St. Nick.

“Now, Campbell! Now, Statham! Now, Lundgren and Austin!
On Arnold! On Willis! On Stallone and Rutger Hauer!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
We’ll teach that asshole not to fuck with us all!”

They hurried off the roof and jumped to my sides,
Surrounding me tightly, I relieved myself and sighed.
They laughed and howled, pointed and smiled.
I knelt to the ground and cried like a child.

My fear subsided and courage swelled within me.
This happens all the time in the movies.
I stood up proud, whipped out my gun,
“Come now motherfuckers! Let’s have some fun!”

I wasted the first three with one shotgun shell
Then Bruce Campbell attacked with his chin from hell.
I fell backwards, dazed, confused, and sick.
An obvious distraction, for a roundhouse kick.

I knocked them all out, I was the victor
Except Santa Claus and his last actor.
It was Arnold the Great, my only idol.
I was bound to kill him, choppas and all.

I activated my shoulder mounted laser.
Then he attacked me with his Star Trek phaser.
I laughed till I cried, However crude.
Never in my life had my dreams come true.

Arnold loved my laugh and sided with me.
We vowed to kill Old Claus, by golly.
Santa was quick and light as a feather.
But Arnold and I were worse than the weather.

We beat him and bruised him, cut up his face.
He escaped our clutches with a red can of mace.
Good Old St. Nick jumped in his sleigh
Powered by Dilithium and not by hay.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Fuck you Gable! I’ll come back later tonight!
My army is many, I have a ton
With the likes of Jet Li and Charles Bronson!”

I looked to the sky and shouted with glee,

“Come get some Santa! You can’t fuck with me!”

--

And that’s when I woke up on the couch in the basement to the end credits of Battle Queen 2020. That movie will fuck with your mind.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!