BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Room (2003) Experience 2

The Room. A movie to batshittingly fucked up that I can only express my feelings towards it with TWO DAYS worth of reviews of it. This is Tommy Wiseau...and here is his Room.

Yesterday I demonstrated my first painful experience with The Room. I'm not one to go down so easily (unless my fiance tells me to) so I grabbed the nearest bottle of vodka and went Round 2.

Experience 2: Friday, June 17, 2011.

I received a carepackage on this day from one of my internet brothers. (I'll keep his identity secret for unforseeable consequences but I'll have you know this guy is amazing.) He informed me prior to this day that he had something that I HAD to have. I said alright, send it to me, and on that Friday I received it. That carepackage consisted of The Room. And a signed poster for The Room. HOLY FUCK. I was shocked. At first I was like, HOLY FUCK THE ROOM, THIS IS AWESOME. LOOK AT THAT POSTER, HE FUCKING SPELLED MY NAME WRONG! HAHAHAHAHA

Then I was sad. The feelings about this movie suddenly flushed at me again. God damn it. He sent me a movie I fucking hate. I felt terrible. I want to like it but I just can’t. WHAT DO I DO!?

But then something occurred to me: Fate. This had to be fate. No way does shit like this ever happen to me. I had a desire to sit down and figure this movie out and basically out of nowhere this thing punches me in the face. There’s even a note (or what you could describe as a note I guess) attached to it. I had to try again. (Also, I just bought a brand new brand of vodka that day, so why not? Let’s get ripped and see what happens.)

ROUND 2! Annnndd...

Joy. Bliss. Excitement. RAGING LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE!

It IS Troll 2 all over again. I HATED Troll 2 the first time I saw it. It was the most painful thing I ever endured. But the cult following for THAT movie compelled me to try it again and now…I OWN THREE COPIES OF THAT MOVIE.

FUCK YES! THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The Room really is about the bad dialog, the bad transitions, and the absolutely bad genius of Tommy Wiseau. He directs/produces/stars/plasters his name all over the opening credits. Tommy is insane. And watching him try to act is quite possibly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen.

Since I had just had some experience with The Room...I knew there were a few things this movie had to offer. Somethings that just "happen" over and over again. So I pulled out a pad and paper and started ticking them off as I went. Here are the results:

(Note: these are WAY inaccurate. I was drinking and I can guarantee you that I missed some. I bet if you multiply them by 2 they'd be more accurate.)

OH HAI! Tommy says Oh Hai! To everyone and everything. I counted 12 instances of this. Here is a compilation showing so much more! (because there's rifftrax involved.)

NERVOUS LAUGH. So Tommy has this nervous laugh that is amazing. It just happens all the time. Well...I know this is inaccurate but I counted 25 instances. Here is a montage that is probably more accurate.

RANDOM DENNY. So this kid just kinda shows up ALL THE TIME. He lives in the same apartment and just keeps coming by. He's only there to show how amazing Tommy's character is by paying his tuition and blah blah blah. He shows up randomly NINE TIMES.

LISA'S TITS. We see them in 4 seperate scene's. I marked one as a flashback. Awesome.
TOMMY'S ASSCHEEKS. So he likes to have sex with Lisa and he flashes his ass aproximately 2.5 times. This is because he only likes to show ONE ass cheek per scene. WOW.

BAI! So for every OH HAI! there must sadly be a BAI! I counted 4.

FRONT OF THE APARTMENT: You know how in sitcoms they show the front of their building as a transition from scene to scene? Well this happens in The Room 6 times. Fuck yeah!

GAMES OF CATCH: So for whatever reason when the men are talking they are also playing catch with a football. This happens FOUR TIMES. YES!

CAMERA MISTAKES: You know how when you see a shot of a woman holding up her hand and then in the next immediate shot she has her arm at her side? Well this movie is FULL of errors like that. I counted 12 but I KNOW I missed more. I need to watch it again and find them all! Here's probably the most notable sequence of errors (Watch the wineglass):

And I also timed all the sex scenes. Yes. Pretty much the first HALF of The Room is pointless sex scenes.

Fuck yeah.

Sex Scene 1: 05:45 - 09:05 - Total: 3:20
Sex Scene 2: 17:15 - 19:30 - Total: 2:15
Sex Scene 3: 25:50 - 27:10 - Total: 1:20
Sex Scene 4: 1:05:00 - 1:07:40 - Total: 2:40

That is a grand total of roughly 9 and a half minutes of sex scenes. That's right about 10% of the movie. HAHAHAHAHA Tommy. You are awesome.

So in the end: I loved The Room. I'll be watching it again. This movie is all about the terrible one-liners. Every instance of OH HAI! All the longer than necessary sex scenes. It's all about the bad acting and the lack thereof from all the cast. It's all about Random characters that show up to do nothing other than pad time and make me laugh at their pointlessness. The Room is all about the badness.

The Room is genius. If for no other reason than internet nerds have gone NUTS!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Room (2003) Experience 1

Watch this with extreme caution. And by extreme caution I mean VATS of vodka.

The Room. A movie so awful in its awfullessness that I can only express my deepest feelings with TWO DAYS worth of reviews.

I’ve had two separate experiences with The Room within the last month. These two experiences are my only two experiences with The Room. They each have their own story to tell so I will review this movie by exploring the results felt towards each experience.

Experience 1: Saturday May 28, 2011

Pain. Misery. Resentment. Sorrow. And large quantities of all of them. My eyeballs hurt. My ears were bleeding. Everyone around me was throwing mental knives at me for making them watch it.

And I don’t blame them, it was fucking terrible.

I brought this movie over to a friends place where about 8 people gathered around to watch it. We were all pretty excited about it after hearing how huge the cult following is behind it so we gave it a shot. So we started watching it and were immediately put off by the incredibly terrible pacing. It just dragged from one scene to the next. There was nothing coherent about it. Nothing FUN about it. It was basically like watching a sitcom with stupid dialogue and confusingly pointless characters. It just didn’t make sense.

So it turned into a rip on the movie while we talked about better things kinda night. Like how Denny’s haircut was straight out of the 90’s and how he had traveled through time to be in this movie. (GREAT observation from my writer in crime: Alcohol Paul) I also stopped everyone when I noticed an epic line was coming up from the YouTube clips I’d watched before. Not all that impressive considering the context.

Really, what the fuck was going on. I guess I understand the “badness” to it but what the fuck? IT’S. JUST. BAD. How is it that people are lining up in droves to see this movie? How is it that it’s always playing at the independent theatre downtown ONCE A MONTH EVERY MONTH and people keep showing up. WHY!?

I don’t get it. I really thought it was going to be one crazy movie that would be the next Troll 2 for me, but after we watched it…we vowed to never see it again. Or speak of its existence.

**

I felt bad. I really wanted to like it. I have friends that absolutely ADORE this movie. They love it in the way I love Troll 2. But I just didn’t get it. It didn’t make sense to me. But once we finished the movie I felt the need to watch it again. We (and by we, I mean me) missed a good portion of the dialogue and story (and lack thereof) and I felt that the awesomeness of this movie must live there. I had to have missed it, there has to be something so fucking crazy about this movie that people are going out of their way to see it over and over again.

I needed to know.

Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (combining the power of 3)

Are you ready for Ghost Shark 2?

Alright, that is just a teaser. It doesn't show much. And it really avoids the REAL reason this movie is amazing. There are exactly THREE reason's I am salivating all over this movie. (4 if you include a ghost shark in the hood)

1. This movie stars George Hardy: The guy that played the dad in Troll 2.
2. This movie stars Juliette Danielle: The chick that played Lisa in The Room.
3. This movie stars Alan Bagh: The guy that played the lead in Birdemic.

That is THREE STARS from THREE of the WORST MOVIES EVER MADE....IN ONE FUCKING MOVIE! HOLY SHIT! This is going to be insane. I only thought this happened in dreams. This is awesome! Can you fucking believe this!? I need to see it. I hope to holy hell they are all in one scene together. That would be like the Expendables (the scene with Arnie, Sly, and Bruce) of Bad Movies.

I have a huge hardon right now. Sorry to be blunt but MAN! This is just too much for one Bad Movie lover to endure. And I have to WAIT! COME ON! Grace me with your presence already!

A quick look at the website has a few updates about going to festivals and stuff. Hopefully they make quick work of it cuz I need this. WHY ARE THESE KINDS OF MOVIES HEROINE TO ME! WHY!? I'm fucking shakin', I need my fix man. I NEED IT!

Alright calming down...

You can also find Ghost Shark 2 on facebook, YouTube, and Twitter. I'll be sure to update you with any new developments. This is the event of the YEAR!