Friday, December 17, 2010

My Pitch for: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 6.

Silent Night, Deadly Night: What a wild series huh? Ups and downs…and downs and downs…and a little up. We need to do something about this. Silent Night, Deadly night is DUE for a reboot. Not a remake like they’ve been talking about but a reboot. I’m not a fan of the remake although one would probably be alright in this case…a fresh start WOULD do this series some good. But alas, I’ll stay true to this series and all that its…accomplished.

So here is my pitch for the next installment in the SNDN series:

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 6: Billy’s Revenge

Ok here we go. What needs to happen is we need to bring the greatest and most successful killer in the franchise back from the dead. The original killer: Billy.

Yes I know, he died. But with the magic of words and “imagination” we can bring him back. You ever see that movie Darkman? When the guy gets all deformed so he makes masks from people’s faces and wears them so he doesn’t look so hideous.

We’re stealing that.

In Part 6 we’ll start out by recapping the end of Part 1. Billy charges into the Nun school and is killed by the police. Then we cut to new footage of Billy being hauled out on a stretcher into the ambulance. When the crew puts Billy into the ambulance, they rock it a little too hard and his face falls off…displaying the face of the officer that was supposedly shot earlier.

Billy cut his own fucking face off as a decoy for his escape. BAM!

Opening credits. During the opening credits there is a montage of Billy running away to a forest area and finding an old shack. Then we see him eating squirrels and shit. And coming across some old magazines with Santa on the cover…this causes him to go apeshit on the magazine. Perhaps even having sex with it. And then “Directed by Mr. Gable” comes across the screen and we fade to black.

27 Years Later…

Throughout the movie Billy will be cutting off people’s faces and replacing them with his own so he can assume a ridiculous amount of identities.

But before that, after the opening credits, we open up on a shopping mall. It’s Christmas Eve and its FULL of people. Like insanely full. Everything is fairly peaceful, Christmas music is playing, people are laughing and making out, and then all of a sudden a Jeep explodes through the front entrance. It stops in the middle of the mall where the most people are. Santa Billy gets out, wearing the face of the mayor. He goes to the back and rips off the tarp that was covering a massive machine gun (think the new Rambo movie). Everybody scatters and Billy locks and loads the weapon and then shouts with glee, “Ho Ho Ho, you’ve all been naughty!” And kills hundreds of people.

All this in the first 10-15 minutes of the movie. We have effectively caught the attention of our viewers.

Then the cops show up and Billy makes a run for it…through the changing room of the mall Santa’s. He makes an escape but not before killing one more person. The janitor. He cuts off his face and assumes his identity, walking off screen a free man.

And the janitor would be played by none other than Clancy Brown.

It will take the power of a Highlander to bring this series back to life.

Then we cutscene into a glorious sex scene. Maybe even a 3-way. But for the purposes of the story it’ll probably just remain a two-some. (I KNOW! LAAMMEE!) It’s pretty hot, the chick has a magnificent rack and we all oogle at her.

Then it ends and we’re left with the drama of their situation. They are cops and they are partners. They love each other and bone all the time but they refuse to actually go together and have to keep their love secret. Blah Blah Blah. Nobody cares but there has to be some kind of stupid subplot right?

Then they get the call that there’s been a horrible murder at the mall and they go there to investigate. They get there and they are filled in on the situation while at the same time showing some amazing special effects of the dead bodies.

The next 30-40 minutes are spent watching Billy murder a couple dozen people in amazing ways and watching the cops try to figure it out. Billy gets more and more creative with each kill…Saws-alls, Chainsaws, Snowblowers, etc. Each time saying something about them being Naughty and PUNISH! It’ll be awesome, trust me.

The cops then start to discover a pattern. It’s very similar to a spree of murders that happened during Billy’s first killing spree. EXACTLY. So they head him off at the pass and catch him in the act of murdering someone else. Billy then knocks out the male cop and tries to PUNISH the female cop. She rips of his face and he runs away like a little bitch.

Also, he kidnaps a pregnant woman that was in the house.

This leads to an exciting and triumphant chase scene. We’ll do it in the vein of The Toxic Avenger…and we’ll see a ton of people getting run over in horrible ways. And Billy gets away after foiling the cops by turning his headlights off.

When some of SNDN6's source material comes from The Toxic Avenger,
How can you go wrong?

“Where’d he go?” the male cop will say dumbfoundedly.

Cutscene. Billy drops the chick off at his shack and ties her up to the bed. He explains to her that he has one last thing to do and leaves. He gets back in the truck and heads back to town. To the cops apartment.

And another sex scene. NOW we can have the threesome. Maybe the secretary or her best friend is in on it now. You know…a little threesome to blow off some steam after losing Billy.

And just at the climax…the secretary chicks head is cut off with an axe. Classic. Blood spurts all over the place and shit hits the fan. Billy continues to “axe” everyone but keeps missing. One of the cops find their gun and shoots him. He gets up and flees the apartment.

And for some reason the cops stop to take the time to put their clothes on. Cuz that’s what happens in these fucking movies…they always have to pause at the most crucial moment.

So Billy gets away and is in another car chase. The cops catch up with him and shoot out his tires. The Santa Billy gets out of the car and runs towards the cops. The cops shoot him, find him dead. And that’s the end.

But it isn’t. The cops (or maybe the ambulance crew) find out it’s not really Billy but it was just a Clancy Brown mask on some random dude and Billy is really alive.

Dum Dum Dummm...

Back at the shack. The camera is looking out a window. It pans down to the pregnant woman. Then it pans down further to see her belly…all cut open. The fetus has been removed. The camera then follows the blood trail to the other side of the room where Billy is sitting at table, his morbid face shrouded in candlelight. The newborn is sitting in his Santa hat crying. He picks up the child, holds it in his hands, and says, “You are not naughty. You’ll never be naughty. But there are those out there that ARE naughty. Horrible people. They must be PUNISHED. And I will teach you how to PUNISH them.”

He then holds up an Eric Freeman mask.

The End.
Total running time: 74 minutes.

And that my friends is how you do a Silent Night, Deadly Night sequel.


  1. ...this causes him to go apeshit on the magazine. Perhaps even having sex with it. And then “Directed by Mr. Gable” comes across the screen and we fade to black.


    If you haven't already sent this idea, along with Wolf Cop, STRAIGHT to Chuck Band, I am going to be SORELY disappointed in you!

  2. Okay, okay, okay. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I just wanted to make the observation that (in my opinion, at least) this is where your best writing comes from. It's shit like this and Wolf Cop. When you relax, let go, make fun of yourself and just RUN with it!

    Now, I don't mean to disparage your other writings. They've got definite imagination, originality and heart. I just thought I'd point out that there's a big difference in style between your short stories and your movie pitches. Might be something to think about : )

  3. Vincent...I agree. It's pretty easy going writing up a movie pitch because I know what how I would do it and what it would look like but to transfer that image to paper or to write it in story form is a little more challenging for me.

    I've been meaning to do more movie pitches. I've had a couple ideas that I have just been dying to throw out there. But thank you for all that.

    Stacia: Thank you. It would give purpose to SNDN 7! The Sequel no one wants...but that's alright...because it'll be like Garbage Day Part 2.