Let me set this up for you. It's Saturday, I'm out of town and pretty blitzed. I check my phone around 2 am and I see that I got a call from Alcohol Paul at about 11:30. His message was frantic and exciting: (paraphrasing) DUDE! YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE LAST 20 MINUTES OF EYE OF THE TIGER ON INSTANT. NOTHING MATTERS UP UNTIL THAT POINT, YOU CAN THANK ME LATER. I get pretty pumped so I make a mental note...because when Alcohol Paul goes out of his way to recommend something...that MEANS it's pure gold. I get home that next day and I'm hanging out with friends and discover that, they too, received Eye of the Tiger phone calls...and even facebook was full of status' devoted to the greatest 20 minutes of all time. I batted an eye at all of them because I didn't want to spoil anything. (whatever the hell this is...it has to be epic) He wrote a review for me and I'm not even going to read it....because I haven't yet witnessed this amazingness. So the next few paragraphs could be complete nonsense about how awesome RC Cola is over all other colas. I just don't know.
That being said: Alcohol Paul reviews (the last 20 minutes of) Eye of the Tiger.
The Greatest 20 Minutes of My Sad, Pathetic Life
It begins with Gary Busey sneaking into a dastardly biker’s hospital room. It ends with pithy dialogue set to the theme song of “Rocky III.” In between I achieved sexual climax 7 times. It’s the last 20 minutes of “Eye of the Tiger.”
Gary Busey is Buck. He’s a man on a mission of vengeance. If that means putting dynamite in a man’s ass, so be it.
I won’t bother with critical assessment. This will simply retell.
Busey needs info, so he interrogates a biker in the hospital.
Dynamite in ass.
Busey gets the info.
The song “Eye of the Tiger” starts playing Busey leaves the hospital.
Yaphet Fucking Kotto is waiting for Busey in Busey’s totally sweet truck.
Busey: “I knew you’d be around here somewhere.”
Guitars.
Kotto: “You got a plan?”
More guitars.
Fuck continuity. It’s daylight and Busey’s truck is rolling into the biker’s camp. He’s alone.
Oh shit! Busey’s truck has rocket launchers!
There’s Yaphet! He’s flying and rockin’ mid-80s James Brown! FUCK YES!
Busey exits his truck to save his daughter.
Roll away from gunfire.
Reunite with daughter.
Bald biker dude is pissed.
Back in the truck.
More explosions.
Yaphet’s hit! He’s goin’ down! But not before he raises the roof!
If you’ve ever wanted to see pickup truck hitting a sweet ass jump while a plane is crash landing…
Everyone escapes.
Police blockade.
Crooked sheriff wants Busey arrested. No one will do it.
Busey grabs the sheriff.
Busey: “It’s time to deliver the garbage.”
FUCK YES AGAIN!
Busey returns to the biker camp.
Bald Biker Dude: “He’s mine.”
Busey and the Bald Biker Dude in a fist fight for Honor and Vengeance.
Is Busey losing?!?
Yaphet Kotto arrives with backup!
Busey second wind!
He fucks up the Bald Biker Dude.
“Eye of the Tiger” plays again.
Roll credits.
Clean your pants.
First of all, Paul, I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the heads up on this movie! You, sir, are a saint among men.
ReplyDeleteSecond, your review was the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE my wife and I had during the last twenty minutes. Especially the crash landing/truck jump scene, so so sweet! Thanks again, dude : )
Oh dude, that truck launching is timed so perfect. Brings tears to my eyes.
ReplyDelete