You can't fool me people who makes bad horror movie posters! I caught you!

Twas last July when I had a post about the movie Roadkill. A new Maneater movie. I have since watched that movie and added it to the pile of made for SyFy movies I love. In the opening paragraph I complained that I had seen parts of the poster before. I had skimmed past it somewhere in my travels and today...I found it.

HAHA! I KNEW IT! That's the same chick in both of them. Sure, there's a little photoshop magic at work here with different clothes and blood but that's definitely the same chick.

But my mind is still not at ease. I'm almost certain Absentia is NOT the movie I was thinking about that had this chick on the cover. The reason I think this is because Absentia came out on DVD yesterday. So there's a very real possibility that these 2 are not the only covers to feature this struggling beauty.

Poor girl, she's been attacked by giant vultures and shadowy smoke people, LEAVE HER ALONE BAD HORROR MOVIES! LEAVE HER ALONE!

Roadkill: NEW MANEATER MOVIE!!

This is driving me nuts. I've spent the last half hour searching all over the place because I've seen the bottom part of this poster somewhere before. The chick crawling on the ground. UUUGGGHHHHRRRR I fucking hate it. I think it used to be in my Netflix Instant Queue so I scrolled by it a lot but I just cleaned it out a little bit and I'm sure I dumped the movie with this poster and now I have no idea.

So long story short, I'm pretty sure this poster is ripped off.

FUCK YEAH MANEATER SERIES!! WWWOOOOO!!!

Synopsis:
Kate and her brother, Joel, have gathered their five best friends for a scenic RV road trip to their high school reunion. But their cross-country adventure is about to take an unexpected turn for the worst when an ancient curse takes wing by way of a massive creature. It’s called the Simuroc, and this gigantic bird of prey has found the perfect, helpless quarry in Kate and company. Stranded in the backwoods of the predator’s territory, there’s little chance for escape.

I see they have the required amount of black guys for a horror movie. GEEZ. It's like all horror movies have to have ONE and ONLY ONE black guy. And we all know he dies. Cliches are funny but this one has just gotten out of hand.

Anyway, Roadkill looks like it could be a lot of fun. If I've learned anything from my experience with Maneater Week it's that these movies get BETTER with time. They started out kinda "meh", it's ok. But now, they just DO. NOT. CARE. And that's how we love our movies here in the Reality.

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 5: Going Outside

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you want to go outside. Get out and go hiking, go boating, go out on a picnic, or maybe just go for a swim. Think again. You can’t do any of these things because if you so much as step outside…

ORCANTULA WILL EAT YOU!!

Liger…eat your heart out.

(A BRAND NEW MOVIE PITCH FOR THE MANEATER SERIES, BROUGHT TO YOU FROM THE MIND OF MR. GABLE. COME ON RHI ENTERTAINMENT! LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!)

So this is basically the unofficial sequel to Orca: TheKiller Whale from the 70s. That amazing movie never received a sequel and you know what: It’s about fucking time.

When I first conceptualized Orcantula, my initial solution to bonding Orca and Tarantula was to have a scientific accident. Or an evil scientist bonded them together as part of some evil ploy. But in all honesty: That’s the easy way of doing things. So I spread my mind farther…maybe a voodoo curse, perhaps some kind of radioactive accident. But again…these things happen all the time in movies. So I dug down further in my brain. I wanted to stay true to the source material (Orca) as best as I can while at the same time just being a dumb fucking movie about an Orcantula. And then something hit me…A Orca/Tarantula hybrid is a pretty ridiculous idea so it might as well have an equally as ridiculous means of becoming the hybrid. Also, I’ve been watching a lot of movies featuring Hobos lately.

 Why do the best one’s always die so young?

We open up on a hobo eating out of a dumpster. He finds a bucket of chicken and smiles to himself. This particular hobo is a former Boat Captain and he’s wearing the cliché skipper hat and a raggity old captain’s jacket. Also, he has a pet Tarantula. "Leggie"

He pulls out the Tarantula and they eat the chicken. Or at least he tries to feed the chicken to the Tarantula. He steps down from the dumpster and looks around. “So Leggie, what are we going to do today?” A flyer blows at his feet and he pulls it up and looks at it:

COME SEE BETTY, THE KILLER WHALE! NEW TO HARBOR TOWN AQUARIUM!

Harbor Town being the name of the town. So the hobo goes there.

Cut scene: SPRING BREAK! Down to the beach of Harbor Town where lots and lots of chicks in bikinis and hunks in shorts playing volleyball and making out with each other. Also, there are gratuitous amounts of unnecessary nudity!

We focus in on a young couple hanging out in a boat who’s having some problems. The guy’s being a douchebag because he wants to get laid and she’s trying to tell him that she wants to wait until marriage. He’s all like “pfft…this is spring break bitch!” And he runs off pissed at her.

Then a nerdy dude shows up. (Why? Because I LOVE IT when nerds get the girl) This guy is her best friend. He’s been in the friend zone forever. He comforts her and then she offers to go swimming.

AT THE AQUARIUM

The hobo is tooling down the aisle by the Killer Whale tanks. People everywhere are looking at him with disgusted faces because he looks and smells terrible. He leans up against the railing at the Killer Whales. There’s a male and female. He pulls out his pet Tarantula from his inside pocket and shows the whales to it. “Look Leggie, check out them whales!” Then he trails off into some old story when he was a captain and first saw whales.

Then out of the corner of his eye he sees a shimmer. There’s something in the bushes! The hobo walks over to it and pulls out from behind the bushes a red amulet. (We find out in the sequel that it belongs to a trans-dimensional whale rapist.) As he’s looking at the amulet someone bumps into him and he drops it. It falls into the whale tank and the male whale swims by and eats it.

“OH SHIT!” the hobo exclaims. Just as he says this, some security guards show up to escort him away. The hobo pulls out his pet Tarantula to fend them off. “Get ‘em Leggie! EAT THEIR FACES OFF!” The hobo backs up and whips his arm around. “What, you afraid of a little spider!?” Then the male Orca leaps out of the water and eats the hobo’s arm, Tarantula and all. The crowd at the Aquarium screeches in terror.

A sexy marine biologist shows up just in time to see the whole thing. She begins defending the Orca while the hobo is screaming in pain. The guards put him on a stretcher and get him out of there. Another man shows up next to the marine biologist and they talk about the Orcas. Something about not having enough funding to keep them here anymore. (The entire time this is happening there's quick cut scene's of the Orca swimming around and then an inside shot of the Orca...and the amulet begins to glow and maybe electricity shoots out of it engulfing the tarantula and Orca. The Fusion has BEGUN!)

Then the water begins to boil. The water turns a creepy shade of red. Then out of the water explodes….ORCANTULA! The marine biologist and her boy toy run away just as Orcantula is ripping through the crowd. He eats a few people, shreds a couple in half, he throws one across the park. The Biologist gets to a phone and calls the cops. She sees that the monster is heading over the Aquarium walls and is heading for the ocean. Towards the beach. “fuck.”

RANDOM CUT SCENE: Out in the water there's some rednecks fishing and drinking. Suddenly they catch a shark and the shark is pissed so one of the rednecks punches it in the face! HAHAHAHA

Honestly, I just wanted to post this picture on my blog.

At the Beach. Sexy sexy people are having a good time…until Orcantula! puts a kink in their plans. He starts eating people and there’s chaos everywhere. (You might have to use your imagination when I say chaos. Maybe Orcantula pushes a car over some people. Or maybe he stabs a person unknowingly with his foot and walks around with the body still attached. The possibilities are ENDLESS!) Within moments of tearing up people and eating lots of young men’s heads and ripping off bras on young ladies the army shows up. A helicopter flies overhead and Orcantula leaps from the ground like a violent spider and throws the helicopter into the beach. Orcantula wades into the water as a few jet skis fly by. Orcantula grabs one and throws it at the army dudes.

All this is happening while the hot coed and her nerdy friend are trying to get their boat started. The asshole boyfriend is freaking out and says “fuck you guys, you can stay here and die.” So he hops off the boat and swims for it. Orcantula sees him and swims out there and eats him. And a ridiculous amount of blood splashes on the people on the boat. Just as Orcantula is about to attack the boat the army shoots at him, distracting him.

AT THE AQUARIUM. The Biologist is trying to figure out what to do. She figures that there’s no chance of destroying/capturing it if its in the water. So they need to get it back to land. How? Get the female Orca on a truck and drive it inland. So they do that. As they’re loading the lady Orca on a truck it starts squealing like Orcas do and Orcantula hears it.

Orcantula flicks a couple army dudes aside and heads back inland. He must protect his woman. The truck drives madly while Orcantula is hot on its tail. I guess you could spoof Jurassic Park here. Then they cross over a hill and there’s A LOT of army dudes waiting. Once they spot Orcantula they fire everything they got. Orcantula is wounded badly. A couple of his legs are blown away and he just falls over. Actually, he falls on some guy. And he falls right next to the truck with the female Orca on it.

They have a touching exchange. You see their eyes meet each other, they squeal at one another in affection. Orcantula dies. And you see the female shed a tear.

Aaaaawwwwweeeee….

Then you see RAGE in her eyes.

 Like this.

CUT SCENE. We see the young girl and her nerdy friend…who is now her boyfriend. She loves him now that she realizes that he’s a good guy. (And they're completely ignoring the fact that all of their friends just died) She kisses him and they drive out into the sunset on their boat.

AT THE AQUARIUM. They’re cutting Orcantula apart. Trying to figure out what in the hell happened. Some dude finds the amulet. He figures that the Biologist needs to see this so he runs out to her. She is by the whale tanks hanging out. She takes it from him and looks at it. “Wow.” She holds it up to the sun looking at it shimmer. Suddenly, a fly lands on her hand…

…and the female Orca leaps out of the water and eats her arm.

Yeah baby. Orcantula 2: OrcaFly

Yeah, this week just got awesome.

So what have we learned from Maneater Week? What can you bring with you this Fourth of July weekend? If you feel the need to go hiking, boating, picnicing, swimming, or going outside in general....you're going to get fucking eaten by a giant monster or some cracked out animal.

Have a great weekend everybody! I HOPE to see you here next week!

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 4: Swimming

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you’re looking forward to doing a little swimming. Jumping into a cool lake or diving into that crystal clear pool. Perhaps you’ll even float down a river on an inner tube with not one but TWO beers in your hand. Think again, friend. There’s a killer crocodile looking to ruin your day.

 I think she's more scared that people she knows will notice her in this movie.

Croc is the story of a killer croc. That’s really about it. OH! It takes place in Thailand. And honestly, you can really tell it too. (more on that in a minute) There’s a guy that runs a zoo, a band of evil Asians looking to expand their hotel gambling or some shit, and Michael Madsen decides to swing by as a Moby Dick type character. Mix in a whole heaping pile of rancid acting and quite a few deaths and you got yourself: Croc.

Let it be known, this Croc is just like every other Croc in existence. It’s big, it’s mean, and its going to eat you this weekend if you go swimming. Or anywhere near water. Hell, if you so much as plop down on a toilet, a baby Croc is going to swim up the pipes and bite you in the ass.

But as far as this movie is concerned, it can go ahead and suck my Croc. Wow. This is the suckiest suck that has ever sucked. I was on a ROLL with the Maneater series. Day 1, 2, and 3 were completely AMAZING! It just got better and better. Honestly, I watched the killer ants movie because I was so SURE it was going to be shit compared to Croc. And I didn’t want to do a shitty movie last. Fuck! Thanks Croc. You ruined everything.

 And it's right about here that Maneater Week went to shit.

The acting is what killed this movie. (And the story/effects/pacing/and unnecessary subplots) Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about terrible acting. I loooooove shitty acting. It’s hilarious. But in this movie: Not at all. First, I think they just got a couple American actors together as the leads and then flew out to Thailand and just grabbed anyone off the street that wanted to be in a movie. It was AWFUL. The “evil” Asian dude, whom had NO PURPOSE TO THE STORY AT ALL, was fucking dreadful. I couldn’t even enjoy his shittiness. Every time he spoke I felt like punching walls.

So glad he’s dead. (oops…spoiler)

It isn’t without some charm though. I watched this movie in 2 parts. The first part I watched approximately 40 minutes and then I had to do other stuff. Then I came back and finished the rest later. Now the first 40 minutes were total ass. Mostly based on acting alone. People died so that was pretty cool. But anyway, when I came back and turned it on, not more than 2 minutes later this family is out swimming when out of NOWHERE the Croc comes out of the water and eats a little boy. HAHAHAHA YES! That’s what I’m talking about. (It also happened in the trailer) After that I was sure this movie was going to be great.

But then it lost all momentum again and just fizzled away. So this movie has about 5 minutes worth of awesome going for it. Great.

After I finished the movie and reflected upon it, I realized something. The Killer Croc in this movie is the hero. THE GODDAMN HERO. Every character that was really fucking stupid, really fucking annoying, or was just generally a shitty actor…got eaten. This crocodile wasn’t a Killer Croc at all….it just hates shitty characters. YES! Thank you Croc. You saved the day…kinda. 

 Eating dumbasses since 2007.

So, when you’re out this Fourth of July and it gets really hot, think twice about jumping in the water. Because honestly, don’t kid yourself. You’re really fucking annoying, really fucking stupid, and a TERRIBLE actor. Myself included.

We’re hosed.

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 3: Picnicing

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to going on a little picnic. Going out into a wide open pasture, spreading out a blanket, cuddling up with your significant other and perhaps even making love under the stars. Think again. There are 5 trillion maneating ants waiting for you.

The Hive is the story of Africa. There are swarms of ants running around eating people and destroying everything. It’s almost as if they’re intelligent. After unsuccessfully fighting off the ants, the government calls in the experts. A group of highly sophisticated and highly trained exterminators. These exterminators know the enemy and have a huge cache of weapons to fight off the ants. So they go out and do some damage…but the ants fight back. VIOLENTLY!

THIS TRAILER IS SO EPIC!

The Hive is the movie I most dreaded watching. I was all like “pfft…ants. Fuck that. That’s really fucking stupid. But that poster is pretty awesome. Oh well, let’s see what else I can find.” So after checking out what the Maneater series had to offer on Netflix Instant I decided that The Hive fit in with what I wanted to do with this week in foreshadowing our impending Fourth of July doom so then I was like “goddamn it. Ants. Alright, people getting eaten isn’t so bad right? Why am I talking to myself? Fuck it, let’s do this thing.”

Then I watched it. Actually what you should do is go to Netflix right now and just watch the first 4 minutes. It will blow your mind. It starts out with a shot of the sky and a meteor crashes to Earth. Immediately I was like YES! ALIEN ANTS! HAHAHAHA!! And then an army of ants takes over this woman’s home and eats her….AND HER BABY!! HAHAHA YES!

The Hive. You have my attention.

So we go from there right into the exterminators. They’re debating the intelligence of ants and the lead exterminator is all like, “pfft…ants. Fuck that, they’re really stupid.” So then a village is eaten up by the ants and the exterminators show up. They suit up, pull out their giant guns and PROCEED TO SHOOT MEGA AWESOME LASERS AT THE ANTS! HAHAHA YES THERE’S FUCKING LASERS IN THIS MOVIE!

And that’s something like the first 20 minutes. What happens after that is there’s another village attacked, they go out and shoot more lasers, the ants get smarter, this movie steals some ideas from “The Abyss” and “Aliens” and…I won’t ruin it for you. You have to see this movie. It’s so amazingly bad.

The pacing in this movie is FAST. One thing happens right after the other. Everything you could imagine doing with ants happens in this movie. They just aren’t eating people, the ants are controlling people minds and eating babies. It’s fucking awesome.

Of course, there are loads of CGI ant swarms. Not gonna lie, it looks unrealistic as hell. It’s not the worst effects I’ve seen but the ants take up about 3/4 of the running time of this movie so I’m sure they couldn’t afford to make the ants entirely believable. And I’m fine with that. The bad effects mixed with the insane script mixed with the unaccountable amounts of vodka you’re no doubt consuming while watching The Hive makes for one astoundingly fun time.

I recommend this one. I just started drinking it...sure wish I remember how it tasted.

So if for whatever reason you’re dumb enough to go on a picnic this weekend just remember that you’re as good as DEAD. The ants are going to eat you. Unless you bring lasers with you. Then you might have a chance.

Actually, you won’t. You can’t stop them. They’re coming. Actually they’re already here. Waiting.

FOR YOU!

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 2: Boating

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to doing some boating. Getting out on the lake, skiing, swimming, tubing, enjoying all the freedoms of skimming across the surface of the water. Think again. A giant fresh water squid is waiting for you.

Although the artists must have thought it was an octopus. 
 

Eye of the Beast is the story of a small fishing town nestled quietly next to a ginormous lake. Suddenly a boat is missing and 2 people are found dead. (Hint: The squid ate them. Just like its going to eat you if you go boating this weekend) A scientist shows up to do some research for a government institution. He has some suspicions that there may be a giant squid in the lake after finding the wreckage. There is also a legend on this lake of a sea monster waiting to bring down any boats that get out of line. Turns out the legend is true. After ridiculing the scientist and this other woman who believes him, the town is met face to face with the dangerous creature and then ONLY TWO BOATS decide to go out and kill the colossal creature.

If this movie has taught me anything, it’s that lakes are not safe. No lake is safe. Especially the lake you plan to go boating on this weekend. THAT lake is GUARANTEED to be swarming with giant fresh water squid. And they all want to eat you. I mean, this movie showed what just ONE squid could do, can you imagine what an entire FLEET of them is going to do to you? What with their tentacles and beaks. Just imagine.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

According to the film's title: THIS is the entire plot.

When I first decided to watch Eye of the Beast I noticed on Netflix that James Van Der Beek was the star. I thought to myself…”I know that name. Where the hell do I know that name. Oh well, I’ll find out whenever he shows up.” So the movie gets going and its not until around 20 minutes until a bearded Van Der Beek shows up. And that’s when I smiled. Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Varsity Blues.

How the Might Have Fallen.

Oddly enough, that made it a little more watchable. He gave a lackluster performance. I don’t think he really wanted to be in this movie. You could just see the embarrassment in his eyes. But the guys gotta eat right? Once the movie got going and more towards the end he actually lightened up and was enjoyable.

I know what you want to know. You want to know more about the squid. There really isn’t much to tell other than you don’t see it until THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. It’s on screen for about 30 seconds until…well I don’t think I have to spoil it for you. The majority of the movie is just tentacles. And you know what…normally that’d be really shitty but in this case the tentacles did an awful lot of ripping: Ripping off limbs, ripping off faces, it was GREAT! And on the plus side: the tentacles were half CGI tentacles (when they came out of the water) and half practical tentacles (when they’re pulling someone into the water). I gotta give props to the filmmakers for making rational use of CGI.

It’s a SyFy monster movie. All the Maneater movies are. (That’s what I’m told anyway) But I’m really liking this brand of movie. HOLY SHIT, WHY DIDN’T I WATCH THESE BEFORE! Sure they’re predictable but you know what? That’s what I expect. That’s what I get. And I like it. You should too.

I should also point out that squids don’t have a skeleton so that means they can crawl through drains into your toilets and bathtubs. Have a great Fourth of July weekend everyone!

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 1: Hiking

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to doing some hiking. Getting out on the trail, trudging up and down hills, being one with nature. Think again. Behemoth is waiting for you.

Behemoth is the story of a small town nestled near a dormant volcano. Suddenly violent tremors disrupt this peaceful little town’s life and some geologists come out to check it out. Well one geologist and a team of government super secret geologists that are sure that there is a very large SOMETHING under the mountain. As the movie progresses the creature inside the mountain gradually wakes up and then it explodes out of the mountain and everyone’s fucked.

And so could you if you dare to go hiking this weekend. I promise you, if you go hiking this weekend, BEHEMOTH WILL EAT YOU. That’s what this movie taught me. Don’t let the lessons of the Maneater series pass you by.

I can smell your fear. It smells like raspberries.

Behemoth is a blend of Dante’s Peak, Cloverfield, and the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi. I actually really enjoyed this movie. Yes, it’s a CGI monster, but it wasn’t even lackluster CGI. The effects in this movie are REALLY GOOD. I’d probably compare them to really good video game movie effects. It’s not perfect but I thought it looked pretty damn good.

The pacing in this movie is…ok. People are dying left and right, hell even in the first 10 minutes there’s 3 kills but…it’s not really the monster doing the killing. ACTUALLY, the WHOLE monster doesn’t even show up until the final moments of the film. Behemoth IS the climax.

(Behemoth climax, heh heh heh.)

Basically, most of the movie is earthquakes and a shady government guy trying to retrieve a mystery case lost in the woods near the mountain. People die from CO2 inhalation, falling branches, craters, etc. These earthquakes are in fact the monster waking up. But then in the last third of the movie the creature finally starts to show up a little bit: an eye, a tentacle. That kinda thing.

I did like the movie. It’s pretty much a copy of Dante’s Peak with a monster. The volcano becomes threatening, the sheriff of the town refuses to adhere to the warnings of the geologist, bad things happen.

There was one side story with an old man and a girl trapped in a sunken diner that was really annoying. They seriously could not climb this 6 foot ladder to escape through the roof. It took them like 4 tries. The music really tried to make it seem epic when in fact its just fucking stupid. JUST GET UP THE FUCKING LADDER ALREADY! Geez.

But in the end, it’s a SyFy Saturday movie. It was fun. It was crazy. The effects were actually good. And it’s available on Netflix Instant. You just can’t go wrong!

Except this weekend, when Behemoth is eating you because you didn’t listen to me.

Announcing MANEATER Week 6/27-7/1

Fourth of July weekend is coming fast and you know what that means: Epic Monsters eating people. Help celebrate the start of this amazing weekend with a week FULL of outdoor bloodening murderousness!

Feel free to participate in any way you wish: Quite a few of the above movies are on Netflix Instant ready for viewing. (Or fuck it, watch anything where men are getting eaten: Like Tremors or Carnosaur 2)

As for myself, I will be watching 4 movies contoured to 4 aspects of outdoor fun: Boating, Hiking, etc. So if there's any reason you decide to do any of these things over the Fourth of July weekend...you'll have reason to think twice. Then on Friday I will present to you a brand new pitch for the Maneater series. Something so amazing that SyFy is (probably) already salivating to make it. (That'd be cool wouldn't it?)

So get ready friends, Maneater week gets going Monday. Eat them before THEY. EAT. YYOOOUUU!!!