Thursday, June 30, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 4: Swimming

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you’re looking forward to doing a little swimming. Jumping into a cool lake or diving into that crystal clear pool. Perhaps you’ll even float down a river on an inner tube with not one but TWO beers in your hand. Think again, friend. There’s a killer crocodile looking to ruin your day.

 I think she's more scared that people she knows will notice her in this movie.

Croc is the story of a killer croc. That’s really about it. OH! It takes place in Thailand. And honestly, you can really tell it too. (more on that in a minute) There’s a guy that runs a zoo, a band of evil Asians looking to expand their hotel gambling or some shit, and Michael Madsen decides to swing by as a Moby Dick type character. Mix in a whole heaping pile of rancid acting and quite a few deaths and you got yourself: Croc.

Let it be known, this Croc is just like every other Croc in existence. It’s big, it’s mean, and its going to eat you this weekend if you go swimming. Or anywhere near water. Hell, if you so much as plop down on a toilet, a baby Croc is going to swim up the pipes and bite you in the ass.

But as far as this movie is concerned, it can go ahead and suck my Croc. Wow. This is the suckiest suck that has ever sucked. I was on a ROLL with the Maneater series. Day 1, 2, and 3 were completely AMAZING! It just got better and better. Honestly, I watched the killer ants movie because I was so SURE it was going to be shit compared to Croc. And I didn’t want to do a shitty movie last. Fuck! Thanks Croc. You ruined everything.

 And it's right about here that Maneater Week went to shit.

The acting is what killed this movie. (And the story/effects/pacing/and unnecessary subplots) Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about terrible acting. I loooooove shitty acting. It’s hilarious. But in this movie: Not at all. First, I think they just got a couple American actors together as the leads and then flew out to Thailand and just grabbed anyone off the street that wanted to be in a movie. It was AWFUL. The “evil” Asian dude, whom had NO PURPOSE TO THE STORY AT ALL, was fucking dreadful. I couldn’t even enjoy his shittiness. Every time he spoke I felt like punching walls.

So glad he’s dead. (oops…spoiler)

It isn’t without some charm though. I watched this movie in 2 parts. The first part I watched approximately 40 minutes and then I had to do other stuff. Then I came back and finished the rest later. Now the first 40 minutes were total ass. Mostly based on acting alone. People died so that was pretty cool. But anyway, when I came back and turned it on, not more than 2 minutes later this family is out swimming when out of NOWHERE the Croc comes out of the water and eats a little boy. HAHAHAHA YES! That’s what I’m talking about. (It also happened in the trailer) After that I was sure this movie was going to be great.

But then it lost all momentum again and just fizzled away. So this movie has about 5 minutes worth of awesome going for it. Great.

After I finished the movie and reflected upon it, I realized something. The Killer Croc in this movie is the hero. THE GODDAMN HERO. Every character that was really fucking stupid, really fucking annoying, or was just generally a shitty actor…got eaten. This crocodile wasn’t a Killer Croc at all….it just hates shitty characters. YES! Thank you Croc. You saved the day…kinda. 

 Eating dumbasses since 2007.

So, when you’re out this Fourth of July and it gets really hot, think twice about jumping in the water. Because honestly, don’t kid yourself. You’re really fucking annoying, really fucking stupid, and a TERRIBLE actor. Myself included.

We’re hosed.


  1. The commercials on SciFi made this look good, but it wasn't good. I think we (or maybe just me) got bored with it in like 10 minutes. Kinda wish I'd seen the kid get eaten though.

  2. Hey, I finally got a review up for the Maneater Week

    Has anyone else done one? I read Tromeric's but haven't seen any others yet.

  3. If you watch the trailer up there, you see the kid getting eaten at the 25 second mark.

    You would think that'd be awesome, and it was, until they dragged that scene on for 10 minutes. After that the kids arm is sticking out of the croc's mouth and divers go after it...and the kids still alive! Then everyone just kinda gives up after the croc swims away.

    I read your was AMAZING! I wish I could write that way. Perhaps if I took some time and didn't spit out my reviews they'd be better...but what can you do?

    Far as I can tell you and Tromeric are the only one's that participated. Thanks guys! This has been a great week. I'm glad I was able to do it.

    I love animals eating people. I really should watch Razorback tonight.

  4. Holy shit, Razorback! Why haven't I seen that yet?

    Thanks for the compliment on my writing. Any talent I may have really comes from my misspent years as a literature major trying to not piss off the psycho professors I had. Anyway, I don't think your posts look like they're spit out at all. The bloggers who just spit stuff out only write 2 sentences and post a huge .gif of the cover of a BluRay box. Your stuff is a ton better than you're giving yourself credit for.

  5. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN RAZORBACK!?!?!? You REALLY need to see it. I know a killer pig sounds dumb but the DIRECTING is so amazing. It's almost like Sam Raimi directed an evil pig. It's great.

    Thank YOU for your compliments. Honestly, everything I write on this blog is more or less THEE rough draft. I always just spit out whatever I'm writing about and then give it a once over for grammar/spelling. Once in a while something hits me that I should've plugged in there so I try and squeeze it in somewhere.