MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 5: Going Outside

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you want to go outside. Get out and go hiking, go boating, go out on a picnic, or maybe just go for a swim. Think again. You can’t do any of these things because if you so much as step outside…

ORCANTULA WILL EAT YOU!!

Liger…eat your heart out.

(A BRAND NEW MOVIE PITCH FOR THE MANEATER SERIES, BROUGHT TO YOU FROM THE MIND OF MR. GABLE. COME ON RHI ENTERTAINMENT! LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!)

So this is basically the unofficial sequel to Orca: TheKiller Whale from the 70s. That amazing movie never received a sequel and you know what: It’s about fucking time.

When I first conceptualized Orcantula, my initial solution to bonding Orca and Tarantula was to have a scientific accident. Or an evil scientist bonded them together as part of some evil ploy. But in all honesty: That’s the easy way of doing things. So I spread my mind farther…maybe a voodoo curse, perhaps some kind of radioactive accident. But again…these things happen all the time in movies. So I dug down further in my brain. I wanted to stay true to the source material (Orca) as best as I can while at the same time just being a dumb fucking movie about an Orcantula. And then something hit me…A Orca/Tarantula hybrid is a pretty ridiculous idea so it might as well have an equally as ridiculous means of becoming the hybrid. Also, I’ve been watching a lot of movies featuring Hobos lately.

 Why do the best one’s always die so young?

We open up on a hobo eating out of a dumpster. He finds a bucket of chicken and smiles to himself. This particular hobo is a former Boat Captain and he’s wearing the cliché skipper hat and a raggity old captain’s jacket. Also, he has a pet Tarantula. "Leggie"

He pulls out the Tarantula and they eat the chicken. Or at least he tries to feed the chicken to the Tarantula. He steps down from the dumpster and looks around. “So Leggie, what are we going to do today?” A flyer blows at his feet and he pulls it up and looks at it:

COME SEE BETTY, THE KILLER WHALE! NEW TO HARBOR TOWN AQUARIUM!

Harbor Town being the name of the town. So the hobo goes there.

Cut scene: SPRING BREAK! Down to the beach of Harbor Town where lots and lots of chicks in bikinis and hunks in shorts playing volleyball and making out with each other. Also, there are gratuitous amounts of unnecessary nudity!

We focus in on a young couple hanging out in a boat who’s having some problems. The guy’s being a douchebag because he wants to get laid and she’s trying to tell him that she wants to wait until marriage. He’s all like “pfft…this is spring break bitch!” And he runs off pissed at her.

Then a nerdy dude shows up. (Why? Because I LOVE IT when nerds get the girl) This guy is her best friend. He’s been in the friend zone forever. He comforts her and then she offers to go swimming.

AT THE AQUARIUM

The hobo is tooling down the aisle by the Killer Whale tanks. People everywhere are looking at him with disgusted faces because he looks and smells terrible. He leans up against the railing at the Killer Whales. There’s a male and female. He pulls out his pet Tarantula from his inside pocket and shows the whales to it. “Look Leggie, check out them whales!” Then he trails off into some old story when he was a captain and first saw whales.

Then out of the corner of his eye he sees a shimmer. There’s something in the bushes! The hobo walks over to it and pulls out from behind the bushes a red amulet. (We find out in the sequel that it belongs to a trans-dimensional whale rapist.) As he’s looking at the amulet someone bumps into him and he drops it. It falls into the whale tank and the male whale swims by and eats it.

“OH SHIT!” the hobo exclaims. Just as he says this, some security guards show up to escort him away. The hobo pulls out his pet Tarantula to fend them off. “Get ‘em Leggie! EAT THEIR FACES OFF!” The hobo backs up and whips his arm around. “What, you afraid of a little spider!?” Then the male Orca leaps out of the water and eats the hobo’s arm, Tarantula and all. The crowd at the Aquarium screeches in terror.

A sexy marine biologist shows up just in time to see the whole thing. She begins defending the Orca while the hobo is screaming in pain. The guards put him on a stretcher and get him out of there. Another man shows up next to the marine biologist and they talk about the Orcas. Something about not having enough funding to keep them here anymore. (The entire time this is happening there's quick cut scene's of the Orca swimming around and then an inside shot of the Orca...and the amulet begins to glow and maybe electricity shoots out of it engulfing the tarantula and Orca. The Fusion has BEGUN!)

Then the water begins to boil. The water turns a creepy shade of red. Then out of the water explodes….ORCANTULA! The marine biologist and her boy toy run away just as Orcantula is ripping through the crowd. He eats a few people, shreds a couple in half, he throws one across the park. The Biologist gets to a phone and calls the cops. She sees that the monster is heading over the Aquarium walls and is heading for the ocean. Towards the beach. “fuck.”

RANDOM CUT SCENE: Out in the water there's some rednecks fishing and drinking. Suddenly they catch a shark and the shark is pissed so one of the rednecks punches it in the face! HAHAHAHA

Honestly, I just wanted to post this picture on my blog.

At the Beach. Sexy sexy people are having a good time…until Orcantula! puts a kink in their plans. He starts eating people and there’s chaos everywhere. (You might have to use your imagination when I say chaos. Maybe Orcantula pushes a car over some people. Or maybe he stabs a person unknowingly with his foot and walks around with the body still attached. The possibilities are ENDLESS!) Within moments of tearing up people and eating lots of young men’s heads and ripping off bras on young ladies the army shows up. A helicopter flies overhead and Orcantula leaps from the ground like a violent spider and throws the helicopter into the beach. Orcantula wades into the water as a few jet skis fly by. Orcantula grabs one and throws it at the army dudes.

All this is happening while the hot coed and her nerdy friend are trying to get their boat started. The asshole boyfriend is freaking out and says “fuck you guys, you can stay here and die.” So he hops off the boat and swims for it. Orcantula sees him and swims out there and eats him. And a ridiculous amount of blood splashes on the people on the boat. Just as Orcantula is about to attack the boat the army shoots at him, distracting him.

AT THE AQUARIUM. The Biologist is trying to figure out what to do. She figures that there’s no chance of destroying/capturing it if its in the water. So they need to get it back to land. How? Get the female Orca on a truck and drive it inland. So they do that. As they’re loading the lady Orca on a truck it starts squealing like Orcas do and Orcantula hears it.

Orcantula flicks a couple army dudes aside and heads back inland. He must protect his woman. The truck drives madly while Orcantula is hot on its tail. I guess you could spoof Jurassic Park here. Then they cross over a hill and there’s A LOT of army dudes waiting. Once they spot Orcantula they fire everything they got. Orcantula is wounded badly. A couple of his legs are blown away and he just falls over. Actually, he falls on some guy. And he falls right next to the truck with the female Orca on it.

They have a touching exchange. You see their eyes meet each other, they squeal at one another in affection. Orcantula dies. And you see the female shed a tear.

Aaaaawwwwweeeee….

Then you see RAGE in her eyes.

 Like this.

CUT SCENE. We see the young girl and her nerdy friend…who is now her boyfriend. She loves him now that she realizes that he’s a good guy. (And they're completely ignoring the fact that all of their friends just died) She kisses him and they drive out into the sunset on their boat.

AT THE AQUARIUM. They’re cutting Orcantula apart. Trying to figure out what in the hell happened. Some dude finds the amulet. He figures that the Biologist needs to see this so he runs out to her. She is by the whale tanks hanging out. She takes it from him and looks at it. “Wow.” She holds it up to the sun looking at it shimmer. Suddenly, a fly lands on her hand…

…and the female Orca leaps out of the water and eats her arm.

Yeah baby. Orcantula 2: OrcaFly

Yeah, this week just got awesome.

So what have we learned from Maneater Week? What can you bring with you this Fourth of July weekend? If you feel the need to go hiking, boating, picnicing, swimming, or going outside in general....you're going to get fucking eaten by a giant monster or some cracked out animal.

Have a great weekend everybody! I HOPE to see you here next week!