Wednesday, June 29, 2011

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 3: Picnicing

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you are looking forward to going on a little picnic. Going out into a wide open pasture, spreading out a blanket, cuddling up with your significant other and perhaps even making love under the stars. Think again. There are 5 trillion maneating ants waiting for you.

The Hive is the story of Africa. There are swarms of ants running around eating people and destroying everything. It’s almost as if they’re intelligent. After unsuccessfully fighting off the ants, the government calls in the experts. A group of highly sophisticated and highly trained exterminators. These exterminators know the enemy and have a huge cache of weapons to fight off the ants. So they go out and do some damage…but the ants fight back. VIOLENTLY!


The Hive is the movie I most dreaded watching. I was all like “pfft…ants. Fuck that. That’s really fucking stupid. But that poster is pretty awesome. Oh well, let’s see what else I can find.” So after checking out what the Maneater series had to offer on Netflix Instant I decided that The Hive fit in with what I wanted to do with this week in foreshadowing our impending Fourth of July doom so then I was like “goddamn it. Ants. Alright, people getting eaten isn’t so bad right? Why am I talking to myself? Fuck it, let’s do this thing.”

Then I watched it. Actually what you should do is go to Netflix right now and just watch the first 4 minutes. It will blow your mind. It starts out with a shot of the sky and a meteor crashes to Earth. Immediately I was like YES! ALIEN ANTS! HAHAHAHA!! And then an army of ants takes over this woman’s home and eats her….AND HER BABY!! HAHAHA YES!

The Hive. You have my attention.

So we go from there right into the exterminators. They’re debating the intelligence of ants and the lead exterminator is all like, “pfft…ants. Fuck that, they’re really stupid.” So then a village is eaten up by the ants and the exterminators show up. They suit up, pull out their giant guns and PROCEED TO SHOOT MEGA AWESOME LASERS AT THE ANTS! HAHAHA YES THERE’S FUCKING LASERS IN THIS MOVIE!

And that’s something like the first 20 minutes. What happens after that is there’s another village attacked, they go out and shoot more lasers, the ants get smarter, this movie steals some ideas from “The Abyss” and “Aliens” and…I won’t ruin it for you. You have to see this movie. It’s so amazingly bad.

The pacing in this movie is FAST. One thing happens right after the other. Everything you could imagine doing with ants happens in this movie. They just aren’t eating people, the ants are controlling people minds and eating babies. It’s fucking awesome.

Of course, there are loads of CGI ant swarms. Not gonna lie, it looks unrealistic as hell. It’s not the worst effects I’ve seen but the ants take up about 3/4 of the running time of this movie so I’m sure they couldn’t afford to make the ants entirely believable. And I’m fine with that. The bad effects mixed with the insane script mixed with the unaccountable amounts of vodka you’re no doubt consuming while watching The Hive makes for one astoundingly fun time.

I recommend this one. I just started drinking it...sure wish I remember how it tasted.

So if for whatever reason you’re dumb enough to go on a picnic this weekend just remember that you’re as good as DEAD. The ants are going to eat you. Unless you bring lasers with you. Then you might have a chance.

Actually, you won’t. You can’t stop them. They’re coming. Actually they’re already here. Waiting.


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