BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

The above poster is not the poster for the movie. It is in fact Milla Jovovich leaping into my mind and fucking the shit out of me in my dreams. With all the explosions and zombies to boot.

So...Resident Evil: Afterlife. That was something wasn't it? Did you see it in the theatre yet? If you plan on seeing this at all I would advise you to see this in the theatre. This movie was made specifically to play with 3D technology and once its on DVD it's gonna blow harder than Megamaid at a stag party.

I saw this at the theatre last night. Completely of my own free will. I was actually kind of excited to see it. I've seen them all in the theatre so I might as well stick with tradition. And I've grown accustomed to really horrible, god awful painful movies...so this couldn't be all that bad. And it wasn't. There's lot to love and a lot to hate about this movie. Allow me to explain...

But first, Milla Jovovich.

I will start with what I liked about this movie. Because it comes down to two things. 3D and Milla. First the 3D ride was insane. This film was visually very appetizing to the eye. The opening sequence was full of action and 3D goodness and from there they piled on all kinds of crazy shots specifically to show off how awesome they are at making 3D. Like the scene where she's wasting zombies and everything slows down to show you the bullet exploding through the heads and their brains getting splattered on your face.

I'd like to splatter something on your face.

Which brings me to the only other thing that I liked about this movie...which is abundantly obvious...I love Milla Jovovich. Ever since I saw her in The Fifth Element I've been hooked. And it's really crazy because she is not even my type of girl. But for one reason or another (probably all the ass kicking and sci-fi nudity) I love this woman. I like her acting, her voice, her body, her presence, her face, her body, the way she waves the gun in my face showing her love for me. She is amazing and if she is in it, I will watch it. Even if its The Million Dollar Hotel. I'd do anything for you Milla. ANYTHING!

And now for the bad stuff. Excuse me while I take a deep breathe...

What the fuck was going on exactly? The story really made no sense. I know OF the bad guy, Wesker. I kind of remember him from the games but I'll be damned if anyone ELSE knew who that was. He just existed. And was bad ass. I guess that's all that mattered. And for the most part the story was simple...just kind of a failed rescue attempt. Again...this was just to make use of the 3D.  But they could have had a little more DEPTH to some of the characters. And I don't mean the humans. Why the fuck were the zombies different? I know the virus mutates but you could have solved that whole problem by stating, "Oh my god, they've mutated." But no, they just exist. Like everything else in this movie. And that giant axeman. He just appears out of nowhere. His only purpose is to rip off the pickaxe throwing scene from My Bloody Valentine 3D. Where actually throwing an axe made sense.

Resident Evil. I know this has been said before...for every Resident Evil movie...but I'll address it again. This has nothing to do with the games. The characters are VAGUELY based off the characters in the game. They more or less just took their names. There's just enough similarities to keep nerds interested. That's really all. I'm pretty disappointed of the complete oversight of Leon Kennedy. He's my favorite character and he's appeared several times in the games...but not in the movies. They must be saving him for something incredible. That has to be it? Right? No...I know. I shouldn't get my hopes up like that.

Then there is the little thing that bothered me about the Milla Jovoviches. Not Milla, she's perfect but the several hundred copies of herself. I was eyegasming for the entire time there were hundreds of Milla's on the screen...but I thought that they weren't used to much potential. The way the third one ended...openly (like this one)...I thought we'd be in a for a sick ride with tons of Milla's killing everything and bringing down Umbrella once and for all. What we get instead is just a pretty kick ass action scene...and they're dead. So all that intensity and excitement from the ending of part 3 is all over within the first 15 minutes of this movie. At least they wrapped it up instead of ignoring it but I wanted more out of that. It just seemed like they ended part 3 that way...and then decided to do part 4....and then it was like "oops! what the fuck are we going to do about all those Millas? We can't do an entire movie that way! I know...big action scene and they all die."

The characters. It was kind of ironic to see Kim Coates in this movie. Not only is Resident Evil a pretty textbook big budget bad movie but they cast this guy...the guy that was a part of Waterworld. and Assault on Precinct Thirteen. and Battlefield Earth. OTHER big budget bad movies. (That I secretly like...don't tell anyone) Apart from that guy, who I actually cheered for, the rest of the characters were just fodder for the feast as far as I'm concerned. And that's exactly what they were. Their parts were minimal, they did maybe one task that gave them mild credit to their existence, and they died spectacularly. Which, for me, would be a dream come true were I to be cast in a movie.

There is one character I would like to talk about. Luther...played by Boris Kodjoe. Or as I will refer to him as...the black guy. Every horror movie has one, it's like a horror quota...we need ONE and only ONE black guy. Either he's dead first or he's the hero. In this case...I just don't understand. It's not that I hated his character, it's not that I hate him for his acting abilities - I actually was really happy to see him here, I think he's great! - and it's not that he overplayed his blackness because he didn't...until the end. (The rest of this paragraph is pure spoiler. I gave you fair warning.) So somewhere near the end he is pulled away by zombies...screaming. Presumably dead. Then the movie comes to its climax, jizzes on our faces in glorious 3D, and its over. The day is saved. EXCEPT we cut to a nearby sewer drain...and there's the black guy shooting zombies and running away. And acting REALLY black. Overplaying it. Motherfuckers and all. He was so cool headed and awesome before this scene. I actually hated he died and then I saw he survived and I instantly hated the guy for it. I respected you man, what the hell? I know what it was, and I even said this in the theatre. It's like Paul W.S. Anderson killed the black guy and then realized that people will probably think he's racist so at the last minute he shot an extra scene showing the black surviving miraculously. It made zero sense and just killed the entire vibe of the ending.

God now all of you are going to think I'm racist. I'm not, I just hate that Hollywood has to stereotype ethnicities so bad. Can't all characters, even the non-white's, just act like....ummm...Americans? Or like real people?

But anyway....I just lost 3 readers. Back to the movie.

And more Milla. God look at those eyes...she wants me.

So would I recommend this movie to anyone? Yes, I believe that I would. All I ask is that you lower your expectations and just enjoy the sweet sweet Milla...I mean action. Please see it in the theatre before it disappears to DVD. I know they have 3D televisions now but lets be honest...you don't have one. And neither do I. So see it the way its intended to be seen and enjoy it. It's a hell of a ride. And there's no need to even pay attention so if you miss something....it's not important. Or they purposefully left out ALL details for its existence. It's fun, It's crazy, It's Resident Evil. Nuff said.