Bad Movie MegaTwitterthon 6/4/11: Introduction to Destruction

It was nearly a month in preparation, 2 weeks of solid announcements and reminders, over 30 grueling days of anticipation, but last Saturday it finally arrived. And we were all thrown into space.

This is what you missed if you weren't there.

Saturday was probably the most fun I've ever had on the internet and certainly the most fun I'll ever have on Twitter. (aside from Bad Movie MegaTwitterthon Part 2: Texas Blood Money of course [tagline complements of CG]) It was really a Mega-Event and I couldn't have imagined it going any better.

Well...maybe a better final feature. (But that's what booze is for right!?)

So my Saturday started out great. It was a beautiful Summer day. The temperature was just right, I got a lot of work done outside, and I talked my wonderful fiance into nerding out with us. It was about an hour before showtime when she finally said, "Fuck it, let's do this thing!" So we frantically made her a twitter account, got her all set up and ready to go. It was coming down to crunchtime and she mentioned that we should watch the first movie outside. Now, this was not what I had in mind for this thing. Originally I was going to set up my computer in my movie room downstairs and just sit through the whole thing there. BUT watching movie outside while tweeting about Far Cry sounded amazing to me. So after whipping this all up on the fly, we got started. AND we spent the first 40 minutes of the movie trying to get Twitter to work alongside the movie so we could see comments and watch the movie at the same time. It took some effort but we finally got everything running smoothly (and I was about 3 drinks in) and we were good to go.

The night went better than I expected. We managed to get someone to go along with the WHOLE night. Thank you @365HorrorMovie, you're awesome! Another Rummie friend of mine. I was hoping that the movies we chose would be just good and just bad enough for us to make rabid comments....and for the most part they were. Except for RetarDEAD. I spent most of that movie apologizing to everyone. It was terrible. But MONSTURD WAS SO AWESOME!

In the end, it was one hell of a night. We all made a big deal out of it, which I was excited to see. I loved how we all sat down and for the most part we all ate pizza, drank wildly, and ripped the shit out of these movies. It was...it was awesome.

For your viewing pleasure, here are some highlights from Saturday:

@glitterninja
It's the psycho-reanimator music riff! Thank you, Uwe.
Introducing Bargain Tom Berenger and Bargain Angelina Jolie
Shh! I can't hear Emilio!
I sense a sequel: Far Cry 2: Emilio Takes Manhattan
I agree. This has been unacceptably boobless.

@tromeric
Let us TWAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!
First shot down the hatch. Am I playing a video game? Oh shit its Uwe. Uwe is my master.
When your next role is a step down from playing Lex's wife on Smallville you are in an Uwe movie.
Where is my first person shooter cam?
He got the budget with the profits from Little Germany I am guessing.
Its itchy, I guess he needs to learn the art of manscapeing.
Seriously. Wheres my first person shooter cam? If we get Sega footage in House of the Dead we best get first person shooter cam.
Yeah thanks to I spy I will be switching from Jager bombs to Spider Bites. Uwe. You owe me a liver.
I am pouring out the rest of my beer in honer of Farcry.

@mrsgable1
so much awsome and its just starting
thats what ill be doing in the morning sleeping it off ...lol
itch better use protection to share the heat
this fat guy is epic win
i have to see this guys jazz hands
that is one big sawsall
plot line whales...oh where are the whales
in the honor of greekdome i call for more wine

@365HorrorMovie
Wait, an Uwe Boll movie? Is this even fair? :)
He's also a good cook and an excellent lover in additon to the killing skills
Yay for the meaningless loss of henchmen lives!
"I must also put my pee-pee in you, ya know, for warmth."
Remind me to check the MOST OBVIOUS spot ever for security cameras next time I break into a super covert army base
Her makeup holds up really well underwater, during gunfights, etc. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's maybeline.
Places that rent cheesy soldier costumes must love it when Uwe is making a move in their town.
That wrap-around ending just forced me to drink straight from the bottle
F*ck it! I'm for the next one. that was fun.

@vinstem
I use extreme aspect ratios to make up for my lack of directing!
How do you do something this bad with this kind of budget??
LOL women can't cook!
lollolololo DANCE CAMP!!
Pick one guy up and beat the others with him!!!
Is there nothing buzzsaws can't do?
SHOTGUN FACE! Nice
What does a whole Frappacino and half a bottle of Vodka = PARTY?

@morbidementia
Yeah, I've got a bad feeling about this, too.
"Too good of a story to pass up"? I doubt it, Uwe.
Which is worse, making brainless monsters, or brainless movies? I'm looking at you, Uwe.
Is that budding romance I smell, or is it just the fish?
I wonder what the connection between Udo Kier and Uwe Boll is. Besides the 3-letter first name beginning with the letter U.
Whew, good thing there are turrets randomly placed everywhere.
Clothesline count: 5
You shouldn't make jokes about being rated 2/10 in your movie that's rated 2/10.

@mrgablesreality
I see the reanimator soundtrack fits any movie
this movie is a far cry...from awesome
I want to wipe the shit out of that mans chin.
I see you have the ray stevenson brand of super soldier
this movie needs more explosions. Less dialogue
I really wish warwick davis would show up and wisk this movie to the hood
udo kier is shooting verbal bullets into my skull. Its awesome
shut up. Udo kier is talking
with all do respect...thats udo kier motherfucker. You do what he says. He says fuck a stump....you fuck a stump
that 2X4 is the best actor in this movie
the boat in thunder in paradise was better

@glitterninja
Are we ready for bears in space?
...did I just see wang?
Nobody is tweeting because we're all too busy staring at those big meaty thighs.
Haha that baby had total "fuck you" look when he got splashed by the stagehand
Holy fuckballs, he just made ursa major
I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief.
Took at least 3 rolls of tinfoil to make that shield
That chariot is gayer than Charles Nelson Reilly, Rip Taylor and Richard Simmons combined

@tromeric
Twat O Clock.
Wow. Paper Mache meteors. I'm in.
I got one of those crowns at Burger King when I was dick high.
These solders don't take kindly to retroactive abortion.
did he just throw a bear into space? I can die now.
These scenes of bear action are more believable than a David De Coteau production.
Log into a planet. Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
I wanna see a Herc fight a shark. Second best Shark fight ever.
Was that Castle Greyskull?
What about A double rainbow? What would be there?
Must hit one click order on amazon app. Now.

@mrsgable1
this looks like my 2nd grand science fair project
this look like a cher music video
ooo shiny object my fav
magic pants dance... when is bowie sappose to enter
yes bear action
did anyone else watch the man bobbs shake
i like that in this movie all the men are in short skirts and the women are clothed
she just had sex with him with her eyes
its log log its better than bad its wood
not that i was expecting this to stay true to mythology but it totally does
wait somewhere over the rainbow = hell?
the labyrinth i new bowie was some where
rainbow bright was in charge of cinematography

@365HorrorMovie
Something about a bear being thrown into space has me fired up.
Bad guy logic is amazballs.
I watched TREE OF LIFE earlier today and now just watched Hercules chuck a bear into space. My life is complete.
I hope this movie is in the National Registry as a landmark achievement to be saved for future generations
At least the bear has something to scratch its claws on now.
Hercules is so lazy. Completely unnecessary use diverting a river.
i just did 100 pushups. Thanks Lou for making me feel inadequate with your God-like muscles.
Once again with the insane laziness. just do it yourself, Herc
Rocks are more reliable than horses for space flight. Everyone knows that.
Well, HERCULES was just about the most damn amazing movie ever.
Obviously, I'm in for the last one now. I can't let this triple-threat of awesomeness pass me by.

@vinstem
Oh yeah, bears in space, please don't disappoint, Herculies
Hercules! Space Android!!!!
Mech Hydra is small and swells to full size
where are the white woman at!?
I need to OWN THIS!
Chained and ready to be boned!!
WOW! That was wAY better than I expected!

@morbidementia
The creation of the universe looked a lot like a disco dance party.
So did Hercules rip off Moses, or did Moses rip off Hercules?
Did Herc just agree to marry a girl without seeing her face? I thought he was deaf, not blind.

@mrgablesreality
hercules is now!!! OH SHIT! THIS IS A CANNON MOVIE!! YES!!!!!
the neverending story could learn a lot from this movie
I'd violate her temple
wait is this hercules or jesus
the eels of fate
OH SHIT THE BEAR
yes do it
DO IT
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I want to make sex with this movie so bad.
DONT YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MECHA HYDRA
fuck yes...mechahydra is mecha'in me hard
herc just got power ranger'd
oh fuck, this movie just hulked out
that sword is so takei

@glitterninja
I went out to get pizza so I officially have no clue what's going on
I am genuinely laughing at the stupid cops, so I'm good for now
Holy shit, I'm in love with the hot butch lesbian
I will accept either Hercules or breasts in an effort to improve this movie
I'm glad this was last, we might have lost people before we got to the glory that was Hercules
I started drinking at the right time, saved it for this movie

@tromeric
Lets do this. So does a retardead zombie like eating its own ear?
I'm not gonna lie. Off to a pretty awesome start. Can it keep up? I doubt it.
Worst job ever. Pecker Snot scraper.
I'm in for the Finnish. I got stamina like a ma fucker.
Jim Wynorski would roll his eyes at this.
Only 55 mins to get to tardead zombies. I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.
It is importent to put yourself through a bad movie from time to time. Makes you appreciate the good ones even more.
We deserve a trophy.

@365HorrorMovie
Just hit play on RETARDED. This should be, um, interesting.
RETARDED or HOW TO PAD OUT A RUNNING TIME BY MAKING SHITTY TRAILERS BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS.
Uteruses are good keepsakes. Everyone knows that.
I'd rather lick semen samples off windows than listen to this sheriff guy act.
Taking a shot at Freddy vs. Jason. My what big balls they have.
First boob of the night and it's fake. FML
fell asleep damnit.

@vinstem
well the movie title says it all
Yeah, set the zombies free. Great idea!
Did you see a sign in my front yard that reads "Deat Zombie Storage"?
a priest a clown and 2 elderly people walk into a bar...
man with so much blood and gore you'd think this would be better
Well, at least RetarDEAD makes you glad it's over

@morbidementia
I don't think I've ever had to wait for zombies this long...
They're trying to do grindhouse, but it smells more like outhouse.

Wow, more exploding helicopters. Wasn't expecting that.
An hour and 10 minutes into the zombie movie, and they just figured out they need to shoot the zombies in their heads. WOW.
I'm totally hatewatching this movie. All. The. Way.
Monsturd and Retardead both have awesome theme songs, I'll give em that.

@mrgablesreality
I don't even know if well get thru retardead were all too wasted.
I'm sorry guys, next time we do this were picking a movie with nudity
what smells like shit? This movie....aw yeah
"pants shitting terror" hahahahahaha
oh fuck! Did I shoot this movie!? Hahahahaha
lsd ring at the elementary ah hahahahaha
"Masturbator terrorizes neighborhood" is the greatest news headline of all time
that dixsketch is horrifyingly accurate
"since when is watchin pornos and drinkin beers official police business" hahahahaha
is it wrong of me that I want to tap that zombie ass?
electric chainsaw MASSACRE
before you want to hate me for making you watch this....remember I made you watch hercules.
this puking scene rivals the taint hahahahaha

Be sure to check out everyone's twitter page and follow them!

The Room Report with Tromeric

Reality Friends! Give a handy round of applause to my brother of bad, TROMERIC! He's the man behind the maniacally freaktastic blog Guts and Grog Reviews and he was kind enough to drop a line about his experience watching The Room, a movie so fucktastically terrible that you can't possibly believe that it both exists and is cherished by people around the world.

Here's what I mean:

That being said, here is Tromeric's in-theatre experience with The Room and also his account of meeting the genius behind it, Tommy Wiseau. Enjoy!

Bad movies. Why do we enjoy them? There are plenty of bad movies that are just bad and you get angry just hearing about them but then some reach this level of awesome that you could never plan for. I have watched many movies in my life some that blew my mind, and some that made me want to blow my mind right out my brain. I am suborn and will pretty much make myself sit through anything I start. I have sat through some Troma movies that were a sheer test of endurance, I have sat through slasher movies without one kill that put me on the brink of killing. I have sat through Glitter, that wasn't easy. I watch more made for SyFy killer animal movies than the the execs at SyFy. In all honesty, the only movie I ever remember turning off was Forrest Gump. That is for a different article though. What I am saying is a lot of movies are just awful, whether it be because of the acting, the editing, the script or just because the producers don't know what the fuck they are doing. Then there are the films that try and be bad, they call it an homage or a satire but it is just bullshit. If you try and make a bad movie it will suck and it wont be fun and no one will want to watch it. You can't plan these movies. They are made with the same passion and care as the newest Terrence Malick film but for whatever reason whether it be budget restraints or lack of knowledge they just don't work on a technical level. They do however work on a this movie is fucking bad ass level and no matter how bad they are you see the passion and its beautiful, not to mention it is a lot of fun to have some drinks and mock the shit out of them. You mock them out of love. Its like the love Bobby Brown felt for Whitney. Throughout the years I have sifted through tons of shit to find the few shiny turds. I have what I like to call the five turds in the golden toilet. This consists of the grandfather of garbage Mr. Ed Wood's masterpiece of shit Plan 9 from Outer Space, everyone's favorite goblins in the title only sequel Troll 2, the Turkey Monster that craves junkie blood in Blood Freak, the most recent entry full of animated gifs Birdemic: Shock and Terror, and of course the film I am writing about (eventually) Mr. Tommy Wiseau's The Room. So lets get to it. My night with Tommy. No Homo (OK maybe just a little).

I woke up this morning instantly excited, and no I am not just talking about morning wood I am talking about knowing my brain was gonna be raped by Tommy Wiseau. What to do with the afternoon as I knew I was gonna be watching the clock all day. I did what any self respecting horror nerd would do to keep myself occupied...I sat on my porch for five hours and smoked a pack of Cigarettes, drank a pot of coffee and read the new issues of Rue Morgue, Fangoria, HorrorHound, and Famous Monsters of Film Land. I knew that I couldn't focus enough to watch a movie so I figured fuck it. Turned out to be quite the peaceful afternoon anyways. I then went downstairs and grabbed Peter, my friend not my dick, and we ran to the bar down the street to have a quick beer and some food before we began our journey of insanity.

Insanity: Personified

We arrived at Cinema 21 at roughly 6:30 and there was a decent size line which we got into and watched as many pedestrians tripped over a random leaf blower left under a sign. All of a sudden I look to my left and see Tommy walking down the street giving high fives as if he was entering a wrestling match. This guy has charisma. You could just sense it. He may lean to the left on the sanity scale but God dammit does he have a presence. He walked all the way to the end of the line which was down the block and around the corner by this time. When he got back to where we were and some kids that haven't seen a vagina since their mom gave birth had some footballs. Tommy started playing catch. I mean this is Tommy Wiseau standing on 21st throwing a football and it was one of the highlights of my life. I am that awesome. He then preceded to go out into the intersection and give it a little more power, at this time a cop drives by and almost hits him. They exchange words and I assume the police did not know the level of brilliance they were dealing with. It was now time to go in and start the show.

You're next on the High Five list Motherfucker.

Copsucker almost hit me.

We got inside, bought some merch and found our seats. After a few minutes the crowd began cheering and Tommy came down and did a quick Q and A. This is one of the most entertaining Q and A's I have been to. Half the shit he said made no sense at all but it was always entertaining. He constantly would just stop and say "Move on, next question." Someone asked where he was from, his response "I grew up in the world called earth." He was then asked if he ever developed feelings for the girl that played Lisa, his response, "to many beautiful girls here, why would I think of Lisa. "During the Q and A, I also found out that The Room is coming to Blu Ray (Necessary) and he is releasing it in 3D next year. He also states that in one of the scenes there is a ghost that showed up in a mirror. He stated that "The Room is not about Murder, its about expressing yourself." His best response came when asked the difference between men and women. His response, aside from the penis as he stated is "When boys go to the bathroom it sounds different than girls." Now that is deep. Next up he had a bunch of people that dressed up come up on stage and had them act out a scene while he directed it. I assume that this was an accurate look into how he directs so I felt privileged to say the least. It was now time. Curtains drawn.

Say the line, SAY IT! Fuck it, I'll show you...

I have seen The Room a few times, always at mine or a friends house and 4 out of 5 times with the rifftrax. It is always fun but I was more than excited to get the chance to see it with hundreds of people and be involved in all the audience participation. It is like watching Rocky Horror but with no musical numbers and acting that made Meat Loaf look like a Shakespearean trained actor. It was a blast. Hundreds of plastic spoons being thrown throughout the theater, constant yelling at the screen, cancer jokes and clapping to the love making scenes that seemed to be directed by the same guy that does all the sketch comedy love scenes.

It ended so we made our way out and got our pictures taken and our shit signed which was more work then one would think. He misspelled my name by putting Erc, he then went back just added another C and dotted the first one. I had him sign some things for some other gurus of bad and he fucked that all up as well. I am not complaining it was a very fitting ending to the evening that almost made my brain explode.

 Trmerrc meets Tomy Woseaow

If you are a lover of bad cinema you must seek this movie out, and if possible see it with a crowd and Tommy as it is a night I will never forget.

Tromeric

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Garbage Pail Kids Movie TRIPLE REVIEW!

Last week I put up a challenge to watch this movie. I noticed that it was on Netflix Instant Watch and it turns out that a couple guys took me up on that challenge. One had already seen the movie and absolutely loved it and the other hadn't seen it yet but already had it in his queue. The three of us got talking and decided that this movie is so fantastically bad that we wanted to try something a little different. We were going to each review this thing and combine it together on our respective sites for one AMAZING TRIPLE REVIEW (each unique to our sites of course). Three different personalities, three different points of view, one amazing movie.

Here is the result...

Morbidementia

http://www.morbidementia.com/

Read Morbidementia's GPK review here.

Thanks to Mr. Gable's challenge that he posted on his blog (linked to http://mrgablesreality.blogspot.com/2011/03/challenge-garbage-pail-kids-movie.html), I finally got up the guts to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.  Even though I have heard tons of bad things about this movie, it wasn't enough to prepare me for what I was in for.

Here's what others have said about this movie:

 - "...the most universally panned movie of all time..." - X-Entertainment.com
 - "...a movie made by people who obviously should not have made a movie..." - BadMovies.org
 - "I feel raped.  I feel honest to God raped by this movie.  It is that bad." - ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com

Here's what I have to say about this movie:

 - I only wish I could have seen this movie when I was a little kid.  Because this is the kind of movie that little kids should never see.

As a little kid I was just as fascinated with sex, violence, nastiness, and scariness as I am now.  The problem was that, as a little kid, I couldn't get access to what I wanted.  I couldn't get into R rated movies, I couldn't get into X rated movies, I couldn't buy porno mags, I couldn't do shit.

But I COULD get into a PG rated movie, and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie would have scared the crap out of me and rotted my brains, not to mention given me a boner or two.  If only I could have gone.

If you're wondering what a PG rated movie that's supposedly for kids is doing on a horror blog, the answer is this:  The Garbage Pail Kids puppets are truly terrorizing in this movie.  There's something deeply disturbing about midgets in costumes with enormous misshapen heads and malfunctioning puppet faces.  Their eyes are always walleyed or crosseyed, each eye never looks in the same direction.  This means they can't really look at who they're talking to.  The directors seemed to realize this, so they just have the puppets wildly roll their eyes all over the place while they're talking.  Or should I say attempting to talk, because their mouths can neither open all the way nor close all the way.  Its all very fucking frightening.

This happens at least 247 times during the movie.

There's one GPK named Ali Gator (above) who is continually eating severed toes and eyeballs out of a lunchbox.  I'm pretty sure that would have given me nightmares.

Most critic complaints about the movie seem to be with the GPKs belching, farting, puking and snotting all over the place, but A) what did you expect, have you SEEN the Garbage Pail Kids cards?, and B) that's NOTHING compared to the incredible amount of perverted and even borderline illegal material in this movie.  Just check this shit out:

The hot 80's babe named Tangerine takes off her shirt in just about every single scene she's in, and even though she's still wearing a bra, that would have been enough to take my young junk down to chubby town.  Plus there was the statutory-rapey way that Tangerine always treats the young boy Dodger, its totally disgusting, inappropriate, and extremely encouraging for any young pervert.

Oh, and then there's this totally creepy pedophilia scene where all the GPKs, boys AND girls, watch young Dodger take a bath, and Ali Gator even tries to give him a shrimp job.  Well, I suppose maybe he was trying to bite his toes off, but who could blame someone for getting mixed signals in that situation?

There is definitely some non-consensual little-people crotch-grabbing in the bar fight scene when one tough guy picks Ali Gator up over his head by grabbing him by his neck and his junk.  I guess midget rights have come a long way since 1987.

My pervy young self would have popped plenty a boner during the scene where the GPKs start rape-tearing clothes off of runway models during a fashion show.  This was sharking before sharking was cool.  In fact they might even have invented sharking. (This paragraph is Mr. Gable APPROVED.)

There are several scenes where GPK Nat Nerd wets his pants, but in one of them the urine stream is clearly OUTSIDE his pants, which means he's rocking out with his cock out.  This was years before I learned about golden showers.

Those 2 on the right sure do enjoy getting pissed on.

That's some pretty heavy duty shit for a PG rating, and that's just to name a few.  I think anyone who isn't a total idiot expected the movie to be gross and disgusting, but The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is downright debauched and depraved.  Its A Serbian Film for kids.  Its a bad movie, (it has 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and zero stars on worst-movie-ever lists everywhere), but its also bad for society.  This movie is probably to blame for several of the rapists and sexual deviants walking our streets.  But since I never got to see it when I was a little kid, its definitely not the excuse for how I turned out.

Guts and Grog Reviews

http://gutsandgrogreviews.blogspot.com/

Read Guts and Grog's GPK review here.

People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is.  Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot?  I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people, what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.

And Mr. Gable will insert a random clip.

Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th: the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac.  Juice and his gang? (one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind.  A fight ensues and the gross Garbage Can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up.  Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK.  They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him (most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face.  The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.  They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly.  Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.

In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect?  I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids.  I used to ride my Schwinn Predator (not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible: its full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just accept it.  I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life.  So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy. GPK for life.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Mr. Gable's Reality

http://mrgablesreality.blogspot.com/

Read Mr. Gable's GPK review here!

I can sum up the epicness of the Garbage Pail Kids with one scene. Windy Winston jumps up on a bar and farts in this guys face so hard that his mustache blows off. HAHAHAHA FUCK YEAH! Garbage Pail Kids.

Embrace the bad.

I knew, I KNEW, from the opening credits this was gonna rock. The opening was almost like a rip on Star Trek with a floating space Garbage Pail cruising around. And when it told me this was a Topps Trading Cards production...oh yes my friends. How can you go wrong?

I really don’t know much about the Garbage Pail Kids. I vaguely remember the cards growing up. I just knew they were the really amazing answer to the Cabbage Patch Kids. Fuck those guys, GPK for life bitches. But then it was so freakin awesome that they made a movie. And not just any kind of movie...a live action movie. A live action movie done with a bunch of midgets in oversized costumes.

This is what every other movie is missing.

So this movie is about a bunch of nasty little dudes from a garbage pail. They never explain where it comes from or why its in an antique shop. It’s just there. (I guess we can assume its from space...but who fucking cares.) And then all of a sudden these guys escape after the shop owner, who also happens to be some kind of shitty warlock, explicitly tells his illegal underage employee NOT to open it. Then they get out, they cause a little bit of a stir. And then they decide to help make clothes.

FUCK YES! I LOVE THE 80’S! YOU JUST NEVER SEE THESE THINGS COMING!!!

These little shits, instead of going out and causing an amazingly large amount of mayhem and nastiness, decide to help this kid make clothes. (It reminds me of a sweatshop really.) You see, the kid loves this chick that’s way older than he is. She’s so freakin HOT. She wears outfits that rival most Parker Brother’s board game covers. So obviously she knows a lot about fashion. 

The many faces of Tangerine. One.

And it turns out she’s apart of this crappy little gang who likes to beat up the boy. So she has a plan to exploit the GPK for her personal gain and you know what? GPK ain’t havin none of that.

So what ensues is the most amazing journey of farts, vomit, pissing, and biting people’s toes off that you have ever been a part of. Not to mention one of the greatest 80's soundtracks known to man. This movie needs to be seen to be believed. It’s outrageous sure but that’s to be expected, is it not? This movie...THIS MOVIE would have defined my childhood had I known about it. Fuck I’m so pissed I never got a chance to see it until now. THIS would have changed EVERYTHING. I know if I had seen this when I was younger, it would have been my favorite movie. Bar. None.

So if you’re readin’ this review and your smilin’ like a squid, YOU can be a Garbage Pail Kid!! Watch it on Netflix Instant NOW.