Wait a minute...is that the same picture as Bloodrayne 2????
Holy shit, IT IS! Wow, that's some serious photoshop there. I would think it'd just be easier to take ANOTHER FUCKING PICTURE. Wow that a laziness that exceeds lazy and ventures into WORK.
I haven't even started this post yet and it's already a disaster.
But we all knew that right, it's another Uwe Boll movie! As hard as his movies may blow, I have a fond admiration for them. Because I can simultaneously drink furiously, have sex, cook a steak, and watch his movies without so much as losing my place within the story. Now those are some serious bad movie skills.
So here comes Bloodrayne 3. I saw the first one...and thought it was just horrible. Big budget horrible. That fucking movie had too much money. But at least I got to see the TX (Kristanna Loken) naked FOR NO REASON. I have not seen Bloodrayne 2 yet...but I do own it. So perhaps I'll wait until the third one comes out so I can watch both of them back to back. I'm looking forward to the gratuitous violence and nudity that happens for absolutely no reason other than to make the trailer look good.
Here's the trailer, see what I mean:
Wait a minute...Vampire Nazi's? With Clint Howard? Bloodrayne 3: You have my attention.
Synopsis:
It's 1943 and the German army has spread its black tentacles across the European continent, mercilessly cutting a swath of destruction and carnage. The Commandant's soldiers, led by his trusted Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), tighten their iron grip on a small eastern town and facilitate the movement of transport trains to the nearby death camps. Meanwhile, a psychotic Doctor (Clint Howard) performs grisly experiments on people in the camps - and has a strange affinity for cutting open vampires, when he can get his hands on one. And where there are vampires, there's Rayne!
Now Rayne faces her greatest foe, a growing army of undead soldiers led by the Commandant. She and the Resistance must defeat the Commandant and his vampire troops before they manage to get back to Berlin, where they intend to make Hitler immortal.
Oh. My. God. That kinda sounds cool.
*NO MR. GABLE! Don't fall into the Uwe Boll trap*
Who the hell are you?
*Your conscience*
Ah, that's tits.
*Yes, well...don't believe the synopsis and trailer you have just seen*
Why, great conscience, why? There's fucking vampire nazis!!
*It's a trap. The Uwe Boll trap. Remember Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead?"
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
*If you don't learn from your past, you are doomed to repeat it*
Yeah, but its VAMPIRE NAZI'S!
*Fuck you, I'm outta here.*
Manos: The Hands of Fate is by far the absolute WORST movie I have ever had to endure. And I don't say endure lightly. This movie is only for the hardcorest of the people that love bad movies. If you need to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to love cinema for everything it is, or perhaps you just want to appreciate good movies a little more, then sit down to Manos: The Hands of Fate my friend, the ultimate test of endurance.
And I watched the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version.
We sat down to watch Manos last weekend, knowing full well that we were in for a shitstorm. Not just any shitstorm but a colossal shitstorm. And we were very excited about it. You see, when I look at a movie and it has a ridiculous title like, Manos: The Hands of Fate (roughly translated "Hands: The Hands of Fate) and it was featured on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 then I just have to see it. And fate had it upon me to insert this movie into my life, purely by chance. I had won an internet contest for a 50 pack of movies and low and behold THIS was on it.
Life is awesome.
So a couple of us got together and watched it. We made it 10 minutes before our eyes began to bleed. It was just so, so terrifyingly horrible. There was just 10 minutes of people driving around. I'm serious, there's landscapes and other cars driving around and that's it. It isn't until 10 minutes later that we finally get to our destination.
This guy.
Not even shitting you. Their car breaks down and its up to that guy to take care of them. His name: Torgo. The single greatest bad movie character of all time. I know I say things like that a lot but that's only because I've never seen Manos before. Torgo is the alpha and the omega of shitty characters. You want to laugh at him but you just want to cry everytime he's on screen. Let me show you what I mean:
Holy Insanity. If only I had theme music everytime I tried to walk. That's pretty much the first thing we see after the intense 10 minutes of scenery. At first I was like, holy fucking shit, this is awesome. But then it draaaaaaags and repeats itself for the next hour or so. Eventually we do catch up to the master. And it was worth it to see this:
Oh god, my fucking skull is pulsating just WRITING this review. I'm positive that I'll kill some of you out there that try to read it. Please I'm begging you, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Even the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version apologized for it. They stopped right in the middle of the movie and laid out a lengthy and heartfelt apology to their fans for making this awful movie apart of their lives.
The story, or lack thereof, is basically this family is cruising the country side and they breakdown in front of Torgo. So he lets them stay the night and there is several awkward silences. Most notably this one:
And as the family is settling in for the night, their child wanders off so they spend the next half hour looking for her. And it's then that the master wakes up and is pissed. So he calls upon his god Manos and his 6 slave wives to wrestle each other. It sounds better than it is. SPOILER...as if it matters. Then Torgo is killed, the child and wife become another of his wife slaves (perhaps the wife died, I don't remember because I was too busy clawing my eyes out with rusty forks), and the husband becomes the new Torgo. END. Thank god.
This movie is beyond any one person's perception of reality. It makes sense but it doesn't at the same time. You want to hold parties so you can burn copies of this but at the same time WATCH the movie at that party. You want to forget it but then you want to review it and enjoy clips of it on YouTube. It's just something so exponentially awful that it somehow is absolutely beautiful.
And I'll try to explain why.
The beauty of this movie comes not from the director, the producer, the actors, the sets, the locations, Torgo, the awkward silences, the story, the ending, the fact it was on MST3K, or anything else that is actually in the movie...it's ALL in how it was made.
This film was shot entirely on a camera that could ONLY record 32 seconds of film at a time. AND it didn't record sound. Which is the purpose for the shitty over dubbing you saw previously.
And that shitty overdubbing...was only done by 3 people. They didn't even bother to get the cast together to shoot their own voices, there was just a couple guys and a girl that did the whole damn thing.
There's random scenes with this couple making out. It happens 3 times and there's no reason for it. It's like that scene was Manos' backup plan for transitions. But the real reason for it was because the girl in those scenes broke her leg and was unable to play her original role...so they made her make out frequently.
There was constant lighting issues. The most notable being any outdoor night scenes. It hilarious to watch them outside because the lights they used attracted moths and in damn near every scene outside you see moths flying around in frame. It's fucking hilarious.
And there was also a lighting issue with the policeman scene, which is why they walked to the front of their car to investigate some noise and then decided to turn back and drive away.
The guy that played Torgo wore prosthetics that made him walk weird. He was supposed to be a satyr of a goat or something. This actually caused permanent damage to his knees. And according to IMDb...he was on pain killers until he commited suicide. Wow...this movie really does kill people. Sorry Torgo, your legacy will live on, I promise!
The movie was planned out in its entirety on a bar napkin because the director made a bet with some guy that he could make a popular horror film on a minimal budget. He failed miserably. Until 40 years later...where it oddly enough is kind of successful.
As of today...it is NUMBER TWO on IMDb's top 100 WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME.
The director did TWO TAKES for each shot. No more, no less. I'm so glad he did.
And that ridiculously long driving scene at the beginning...was supposed to have the beginning credits scroll over them but somehow it never happened or they probably just forgot.
So THAT is Manos: That Hands of Fate. The worst movie I've ever seen. Had it not been 3 in the morning and I was out of my mind on energy drinks, I might have done terrible things to myself by the end of this movie. It was painful to watch. I try to find the good things in a movie...and the history of this flick was enough to keep me watching...but I'm warning you, this is a really bad fucking movie. If you gotta see it, I understand. I am with you. But please, please, be drunk when you're doing it. It's the only way to survive it. Because that's what this movie is, a test of manhood, the beginning to a new chapter in your life. When you finish it, reality will never be the same.
I kinda gave up on posting SyFy's 31 Days of Halloween. Sorry everybody, besides Felicia Day's new movie there really wasn't anything exciting anyway. Tomorrow, however, looks to be kinda decent. I'd watch...if I weren't already planning a full day marathon of bad movies.
Seriously...I'm fucking putting myself through Manos: The Hands of Fate on Saturday. The NUMBER TWO worst movie according to IMDb as of today. It's gonna be just brutally awesome. I can't wait!
I had posted about this awhile back and I'll be damned if the Executive Producer, Daniel Ross, didn't read it. Because just a couple days ago he emailed me with an updated trailer! That's fucking awesome! Mr. Gable's Reality is spreading like a virus, first Ninjas vs Vampires, next THE WORLD!
The Trailer:
Looks to be a lot of fun. The little bit of humor they did show in the trailer didn't seem too overdone so hopefully the rest of the movie is like that. I'll be watching it, that's for sure.
Zombies vs Vampires just got done with their world premiere over Halloween and I can only assume DVD is right around the corner. I'm gonna rent the shit out of it.
I still need to see the original, (yes NvsV is a sequel) Ninjas vs Zombies. I had it from Netflix for awhile but I had to return it for some Halloween movies but its back in the queue and ready for rentin'.
Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy. On the verge of death from a lethal dose of drugs, Sister Sarah receives a message from GOD telling her to take vengeance on all those who did her wrong. Armed with God's will and an arsenal of big guns, she dispenses Judgment Day on her former tormentors. When the church hires the merciless motorcycle gang the "Los Muertos" to track down and kill her they soon realize that this
SISTER IS ONE BAD MOTHER
(Oh my god, I just shit my pants. This is gonna be AWESOME!!!!)
The Trailer:
(oh my god, I just creamed my pants, this is gonna be AWESOME!!!!)
Just when I thought the 80's was trying to make a comeback, the 70's just kicked its ass off to the side and moved to the head of the line. Dammit I love movies.
So along comes Nude Nuns With Big Guns. (with a 9.5 rating already on IMDb! hilarious.) I wish I would have known about it before yesterday because there was a FREE SCREENING in LA. Not that I live anywhere near there but it's possible some of you do.
I just did a little (and I mean a few seconds worth) of research on this thing and it looks to be just in the theatre stage. Yesterday was the big premiere and from there I do not know. I'm sure DVD is just on the horizon...unless they decide to do a quick tour. I just added them on facebook so I'll be able to follow this thing all the way to my DVD player. I HAVE to see this movie.
Check out the official website for more information. There's some Production Photos and Movie Stills and more information on the cast and crew.
The only thing that doesn't feel right about this movie is that I only see ONE Nun there. I thought there was going to be NunS, plural. Maybe it happens at the climax. Both for the movie and myself.
(Hey Guts and Grog! You can add this one to your Naked Massacre Night Part 2!)
So I had a choice this morning...blog or morning sex. I chose morning sex...to which not only did I get it...I also inadvertently invented a new move...the inverted piston. It was AWESOME! So anyway, this post is going to be really horrible but I just wanted to get it out there because The Dark Lurking looks so awesome!!
Go to the official website to see the synopsis, amazing trailer, production stills, and even some monsters getting down with Thriller. can't wait!!
No idea on a DVD release date, it's on Netflix...but just as a "save" movie. Hopefully it comes out soon, looks amazingly badass.
The news on this has been out for a little while but I was swamped in October so I'm posting it now. Birdemic, that intensely magnificent bad movie that came out last year...is getting a sequel. If you have never heard of this movie...then allow me to introduce you to its greatness...
Oh my god, are you laughing? I'm fucking laughing. That was AWESOME!
I have not actually seen the movie yet, (partly because its not FOR SALE ANYWHERE!!!) just heard about it on the net and have seen a few scenes like that one on YouTube. But its because of its horrible superimposed .gif images that have elevated this movie to cult status. Every decade seems to have its own "that movie is so god awful terrible that I love the shit out of it" movie. Manos: The Hands of Fate, Yor: The Hunter From The Future, Troll 2, and now Birdemic.
A platoon of eagles and vultures attack Hollywood, California.
Why did the eagles and vultures attack? Who will survive?
Wow. This is going to be the greatest sequel ever made. AND IT'S GONNA BE IN 3D!! Those .gif vultures are going to blow MY MIND when this thing hits theatres...I mean my living room.
Fortunately, I have a friend. And my friend, CG, has a copy of Birdemic and it is our plan to watch it very soon. You have no clue how excited I am. Expect a review in the near future.
If you are familiar with Dread Central then you probably already know about this. The Bad Cookie is a short film that they were hyping up over the past few weeks. Basically, a killer Halloween cookie. How could you go wrong? Well my friends, you can. First off...
This is all I see when I look at that cookie.
Second...for a seven minute video it takes SIX minutes to get anywhere. I know this is pretty standard practice for horror movies...waiting until the last 10th of the movie to do anything awesome but COME ON! Well, let me show you what I mean...
Eh, that was alright, right? Did anyone else shit their pants with joy? Like, is the front of your pants sticky right now cuz of how awesome that was? If you're like me then no, it's not. So I will redeem this masterpiece of crap.
I was going to cut out the Charles Band for awhile because...you know...I force fed it into all of you, but you know what, fuck it. This needs to happen.
Let me show you how a really bad cookie does things:
AH Hahahaha that's fucking awesome! That's how you do it! Fuck em and stab em!
