The Room. A movie to batshittingly fucked up that I can only express my feelings towards it with TWO DAYS worth of reviews of it. This is Tommy Wiseau...and here is his Room.
Yesterday I demonstrated my first painful experience with The Room. I'm not one to go down so easily (unless my fiance tells me to) so I grabbed the nearest bottle of vodka and went Round 2.
Experience 2: Friday, June 17, 2011.
I received a carepackage on this day from one of my internet brothers. (I'll keep his identity secret for unforseeable consequences but I'll have you know this guy is amazing.) He informed me prior to this day that he had something that I HAD to have. I said alright, send it to me, and on that Friday I received it. That carepackage consisted of The Room. And a signed poster for The Room. HOLY FUCK. I was shocked. At first I was like, HOLY FUCK THE ROOM, THIS IS AWESOME. LOOK AT THAT POSTER, HE FUCKING SPELLED MY NAME WRONG! HAHAHAHAHA
Then I was sad. The feelings about this movie suddenly flushed at me again. God damn it. He sent me a movie I fucking hate. I felt terrible. I want to like it but I just can’t. WHAT DO I DO!?
But then something occurred to me: Fate. This had to be fate. No way does shit like this ever happen to me. I had a desire to sit down and figure this movie out and basically out of nowhere this thing punches me in the face. There’s even a note (or what you could describe as a note I guess) attached to it. I had to try again. (Also, I just bought a brand new brand of vodka that day, so why not? Let’s get ripped and see what happens.)
ROUND 2! Annnndd...
Joy. Bliss. Excitement. RAGING LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE!
It IS Troll 2 all over again. I HATED Troll 2 the first time I saw it. It was the most painful thing I ever endured. But the cult following for THAT movie compelled me to try it again and now…I OWN THREE COPIES OF THAT MOVIE.
FUCK YES! THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The Room really is about the bad dialog, the bad transitions, and the absolutely bad genius of Tommy Wiseau. He directs/produces/stars/plasters his name all over the opening credits. Tommy is insane. And watching him try to act is quite possibly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen.
Since I had just had some experience with The Room...I knew there were a few things this movie had to offer. Somethings that just "happen" over and over again. So I pulled out a pad and paper and started ticking them off as I went. Here are the results:
(Note: these are WAY inaccurate. I was drinking and I can guarantee you that I missed some. I bet if you multiply them by 2 they'd be more accurate.)
OH HAI! Tommy says Oh Hai! To everyone and everything. I counted 12 instances of this. Here is a compilation showing so much more! (because there's rifftrax involved.)
NERVOUS LAUGH. So Tommy has this nervous laugh that is amazing. It just happens all the time. Well...I know this is inaccurate but I counted 25 instances. Here is a montage that is probably more accurate.
RANDOM DENNY. So this kid just kinda shows up ALL THE TIME. He lives in the same apartment and just keeps coming by. He's only there to show how amazing Tommy's character is by paying his tuition and blah blah blah. He shows up randomly NINE TIMES.
LISA'S TITS. We see them in 4 seperate scene's. I marked one as a flashback. Awesome.
TOMMY'S ASSCHEEKS. So he likes to have sex with Lisa and he flashes his ass aproximately 2.5 times. This is because he only likes to show ONE ass cheek per scene. WOW.
BAI! So for every OH HAI! there must sadly be a BAI! I counted 4.
FRONT OF THE APARTMENT: You know how in sitcoms they show the front of their building as a transition from scene to scene? Well this happens in The Room 6 times. Fuck yeah!
GAMES OF CATCH: So for whatever reason when the men are talking they are also playing catch with a football. This happens FOUR TIMES. YES!
CAMERA MISTAKES: You know how when you see a shot of a woman holding up her hand and then in the next immediate shot she has her arm at her side? Well this movie is FULL of errors like that. I counted 12 but I KNOW I missed more. I need to watch it again and find them all! Here's probably the most notable sequence of errors (Watch the wineglass):
And I also timed all the sex scenes. Yes. Pretty much the first HALF of The Room is pointless sex scenes.
Sex Scene 1: 05:45 - 09:05 - Total: 3:20
Sex Scene 2: 17:15 - 19:30 - Total: 2:15
Sex Scene 3: 25:50 - 27:10 - Total: 1:20
Sex Scene 4: 1:05:00 - 1:07:40 - Total: 2:40
That is a grand total of roughly 9 and a half minutes of sex scenes. That's right about 10% of the movie. HAHAHAHAHA Tommy. You are awesome.
So in the end: I loved The Room. I'll be watching it again. This movie is all about the terrible one-liners. Every instance of OH HAI! All the longer than necessary sex scenes. It's all about the bad acting and the lack thereof from all the cast. It's all about Random characters that show up to do nothing other than pad time and make me laugh at their pointlessness. The Room is all about the badness.
The Room is genius. If for no other reason than internet nerds have gone NUTS!