If you love movies as much as I do, you tend to think about them a lot. Like every minute of every day. Well soon your thoughts wander away from the films you know into the films you wish existed. This is one of those movies. This is:
After the opening credits we open in the deep backwoods on an old abandoned farm. We close in on a rusted old piece of shit Ford pickup truck circa 1977. It’s bouncing around, we hear giggling…somebody’s having a good time. Heh heh heh.
CUTSCENE TO TITTIES! Gratuitous nudity in the first 30 seconds! She’s riding cowgirl style on this dude in the back of the truck. She gets off and lays next to him, still topless. They exchange a short conversation and kiss. Then she looks at her watch and says, “Oh shit! Mom and Dad wanted us home for dinner 10 minutes ago!” And he exclaims, “Ok sis, just lemme go take a piss.”
HAHAHA Inbreeding. I just killed your boner.
So the dude ventures off into the woods to take a leak. He hears some noises but thinks nothing of it. Then we get a POV shot of the killer stalking the guy, the killer (complete in truck driver mask) holds up a set of freshly scalped antlers. The guy taking a piss pulls back on a Budweiser and just as he finishes…is stabbed to death with the set of antlers. The killer than take his head and jams the antlers in his face so now it looks like HE has antlers.
The woman is back at the truck calling out to him and looking at her watch. She finally gets off the truck and heads towards the woods but gets scared and turns around…to see her dead brother strapped to the hood of the truck, skinned like a deer. She screams and turns to run…only to be captured in a Southern Rebel Flag. The killer ties the flag to the back of the truck and drives away…her body being torn to pieces on the gravel road.
The next day…
The town is gathering for the annual prize pig contest. It’s a day of fun with carnival games, horse shows, and big fucking pigs. There’s an old rivalry between last years winner, Cletus, and another farmer named Earl. Cletus’ pigs are always the best and Earl is jealous of that.
Cletus and the sheriff are talking when someone rushes up to them proclaiming they found Cletus’ kin out in the woods dead! So they go to investigate and Cletus confirms it.
Cut to a guy out fishing. He’s drinkin beer in a lawn chair (those really really shitty ones from Wal-Mart) and fishing. He gets sick of not catching anything and fires his shotgun in the water. A few fish float to the top and he cackles like an old fool. Then he turns around and is hit in the face by the killer with a frying pan. Just then…he catches a fish. So the killer grabs the pole and reels it in…it’s a WHOPPER!
Just as the man is shaking off the hit from the frying pan, he spits out his ONLY tooth. “You son of a bitch, you broke ol’ chomper!” Then he sees that the killer has reeled in the fish, the biggest fish he’d ever saw. “That’s mine you corn swallow! I’ll have your hide if’n you don’t gimme dat fish!” So the killer turns and beats the old man to death with the giant fish. The police later find him with the fish stuck up his ass.
Cut back to Cletus walking back into his home. His wife hugs him, the sheriff had called ahead to warn her about their dead children. They cry a little and then they both grab a beer and go into the living room. He turns on some wrestling and they talk about the murder of their children. “God damn Earl, I know its him. I know it. Only him sick nuff to do something like 'at. Trying to throw me off for the pig show. I’ll show him sho nuff.” Takes a swig of beer. “sho nuff.”
Cut to a couple hillbillys in full body underwear outside brewing moonshine. They are laughing and see a squirrel in the distance, one of them says, “There’s dinner.” And they grab their shotguns to go kill it. While they’re gone the killer comes in and adds a special ingredient to the moonshine and then disappears. When they get back they check the moonshine and figure its ready to get drank. They fight over who’s gonna drink it first but the taller one takes it and takes a big swig…with the customary tightening of the face. Then the other one then takes a big ole swig. A second goes by as they’re laughing until…their faces go serious. Something’s wrong.
Now I struggled with this part. I wasn’t sure what should happen next so I will leave that up to you. 1: Their skin turns to ooze and they melt ala Street Trash. 2: They explode 3: They turn into cows.
OH WAIT, we’re going with the third one. That’s what happens, they turn into cows. Why? Just wait, just fucking wait. It’s gonna be awesome.
So cut back to Earl’s farm. Cletus storms up in his beat up Chevy truck and challenges Earl. Earl, of course is clueless, and they fight. “I know you killed em! I knowed! You killed my kin! I’ll kill you!” They rumble and tumble until the sheriff shows up (out of nowhere) to restrain them. Cletus leaves.
Cut to a farm. Bunch of cows. A young handsome lookin fella in overalls comes out and spots a couple new cows…these ones dressed in torn up overalls. He cocks an eye at them, “Where’n sam hell you come from?” He ushers them into the barn and shuts the door. But before he closes the door he looks around to make sure no one’s looking. After he puts them in the stalls, he gently rubs his hand over one of the cow’s hind end. “Well well, aren’t you lookin purty tonight. All dressed up for the ball.” He then pulls up a stool behind the cow and gets on top of it. “Well now, don’t you worry, I’ll take care of ya old girl. I’ll take care of you real good.” And then his pants fall betwixt his ankles and horrible noises can be heard throughout the barn.
Later that night, at the town fair. People are piling into town square, chickens are loose on the street, some old dudes dressed like ZZ Top (maybe we can get a cameo?) are strumming on banjos, pigs are being unloaded, and some kids are trying out a tin of chewing tobacco for the first time. They puke and laugh about it.
Cletus is unloading his prize pig when Earl pulls up. Cletus gives him a nasty look but Earl shrugs it off and unloads his pig.
Cut to an old man whittling on his porch. His naggy wife is screamin at him to finish “that gah dam wittlin” so they can go down to the fair. He yells back at her to “shut ‘er yap before he goes’n gits his switch.” And he continues to whittle. Suddenly the killer appears…at first we see his boots but the camera pans up to see it’s the killer. The killer then holds up a tin of chew, on the cover is says, “Acid Tobacco, Acie! Tobaccie!” The old man gives him a quizzical look and then the killer spits in his face. The chew splashes all over his face and his face begins to melt. He screams and the wife comes out to see whats going on. The killer takes the “wittlin” knife and stabs her in the face.
Back to the fair, it’s now time for the pig judging. Everybody from the whole town is there (about 15)…minus all the people that are dead. And they look at wide eyed wonder at them pigs. Delicious, beautiful pigs. They announce the third place guy and then its between Cletus and Earl for first place. They announce the winner…it’s CLETUS! AGAIN!! YYEEAAAHHH!!
But celebrations are cut short as a banjo begins to play in the background. The killer emerges from the shadows with a banjo in hand. He plucks a couple notes and stops in front of Cletus. Cletus says, “It was you weren’t it. You the one that killed my kin.” The killer nods.
It is now at this point that this movie will be remembered forever. Not only for the weapon but for the slaughter that followed. The killer plucks a particular set of strings on the banjo…and the entire body of the instrument turns into a giant circular saw.
Behold the glory of Banjo-Saw
Someone tries to get the jump on the killer but he grabs the neck of the banjo-saw like a massive club (VVVVRRRROOOOOMMMM) and slices him in half…and then wounds Cletus. And then the killer continues to slice and dice every fucking member of town. Sometimes the banjo-saw gets stuck in someone’s face and he has to force it out but in the end…everyone is dead and body parts are everywhere.
The killer turns around. Cletus is scared and trying to drag himself to safety. Futile effort. The killer approaches him and drops the banjo-saw. He then kneels down and rips off his mask…the killer…dear god it’s…it’s…
Cletus’ WIFE! He pleads to her, “Why? Why have you done this? Why have you killed these people?” She replies, “Because you beat me Cletus. You beat me one too damn many times. I couldn’t take it any longer. I hate you and your whole fucking family. That’s why I killed the whole town…cuz they’re all a part of your family. (Get it, they're all a bunch of inbred hicks with the same last name!) So how about it wifebeater…how would you like it if your WIFE. BEAT. YOU!”
And then she grabs someone's severed arm or something and beats him to death. She stands up and looks around at the townsfolk. Epic music plays as the screen fades to black.
Cut to a truck driver heading down the highway. He sees a pretty little thing and pulls over to pick her up…it’s the killer. They flirt a little bit and they drive off. On the back of the truck is a symbol for Mr. Gable’s farm fresh pigs. “You buy ‘em, we supply ‘em”
I don’t fucking know. How the hell do you end something like that?