BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Friday the 13th (2009) remake

I am torn as to which angle to review this film.  This film has provoked seperate emotions pulling me left and right as to just how I feel about this movie.  So instead of coming up with some half-assed way of expressing myself I will let the voices of my multiple personalities tell you how they feel about it.

The Avid Movie Goer - 5/10
I love watching movies in the theatre.  Not only do I go for the experience of the big screen and the people but I love being first in line to see the greats and be a part of movie history.  Friday the 13th was yet another great date movie.  Along with the first 8 Jason movies (I never liked it when he was a evil centipede or in space but when he terrorized unknowing teenage campers) this one takes place at Crystal Lake and offing a bunch of teenagers.  The story itself is a great piece of nostalgia bringing fans back to the original.  The effects and scares are plentiful.  My boy Jason is always at the right place at the right time and inventing cool ways to kill kids.  I'd bring my girlfriend with just to have her cuddle closer to me, get turned on by the nudity, and for me to enjoy the gore.  This film is a decent flick but hardly worth the $10 ticket, the $10 concessions, and having to put up with cell phones, chatty teens, and yes...babies.

The Ignorant Teenager - 8/10
This movie is awesome!  (If I were an ingnorant teen anymore)  Jason is back on his game and kicking more ass than ever!  The kills are more brutal, the nudity is way better, and those annoying teens are only just a little annoying.  The nudity far outways having to put up with the crappy characters.  Actually the majority of the characters had a nice wit to themselves and were fun to watch.  Yes it was yet another senseless party at the lake, but I actually enjoyed it.  The interaction with one another was pretty fun...along with waiting for the next kill.  I'd watch it over again just to see those kids get offed again...same reason I'd watch any other slasher movie.

The Merciless Critic - 2/10
This movie stinks worse than mayonnaise in the hot sun.  Why people would be turned on by senseless violence anymore is beyond me.  Friday the 13th remake?  Are you kidding me?  Jason has been everywhere!  The camp, Manhattan, Hell, Space, and even pitted against a box office rival, but come on back to his roots!?  This movie plays better as a sequel than it does a remake.  If you haven't actually seen the originals the Jason legend is completely lost on you.  They give a sketchy at best origin story but its a complete mess.  They just wanted to skip past mommy dearest and get right into the merciless "Jason."  Come on really?  Jason has motives and they really didn't show any of that?  He's just been living at the abandoned camp for 30 years in underground tunnels and for some reason just decides its a good time to start offing people left and right.  I don't get it and apparently neither does platinum dunes.

The Seasoned Veteran - 3/10 
The only thing I actually LOVED in this movie (over the sweet kills) is Jason's mother.  I was pleasantly surprised to see Nana Visitor (that would be Colonel Kira Neyres from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) as Jason's mother.  Even though her role was scarce it was the only happiness I saw throughout the entire film.  I enjoy everything Jason but this movie just seems to miss the point...along with every Jason since New Line has started making it.  I've always thought he had a purpose and motivation but they just seemed to rush his history and legend to jump right into some kills.  Jason is LEGEND and they just wanted another slasher movie.  It's not worthy of the Friday the 13th Logo but it does play out kind of nicely in the end.  I enjoyed it but it wasn't necessary to remake it.  This would have been a better sequel if they would have just kept it pre-hell status.

All in all we give it a 5/10.  Its just ok.  Worth a netflix rental.  The gore and nudity are worth it but the rest is just a spit in the face of Jason.  He should probably go kill everyone in hollywood for this.