Race War: Proving yet again that 2011 is gonna be awesome.

I love how there seems to be a revolution in independent movies as of late. I know there's always been controversial and offensive movies in the past...but lately I've been seeing more and more fucking IN YOUR FACE movies.

And I couldn't be happier. Check it out:

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

YES! That trailer is AWESOME! This is a bit of older news actually but it deserves recognition anyway. So if you already know about this masterpiece...enjoy it again! AND AGAIN! That trailer will never get old. Whatever that thing is that is shooting out rounds from its dick cannon is just amazing.

Here's the synopsis:

Race War tells the story of "two black crack dealers (Baking Soda and his sidekick G.E.D. (Ghetto E'ry Day)) who notice that their profits aren't as fat as they used to be ... and it turns out the reason is because some white boys duhn came into the hood selling their smack. Only problem? That white boy shit is turnin' niggas into zombies! Can you believe that shit? Things get twisted, and them dastardly white boys end up nignapping G.E.D. Baking Soda then calls on the help of the block's best hydro grower, Kreech: Da Black Kreecha from da Lagoon, to get G.E.D. back home safe and sound."

Hahahahaha! Racism is awesome. Not really...but that synopsis is just so wrong. Can't help but love it.

And this movie is based on short film that came in third place at the Alamo Drafthouse's Film Fest in 2009. Hence the "THE REMAKE" in the trailer. Race War is written & directed by Tom Martino and stars "a buncha jobbers you never heard of before"

Yes, this is happening.

SyFy Movie Fans Unite! Crocaloctopus!

I can only assume this guy tells everyone, "Don't to call me Shirley."

Finally, a movie we can really get behind! Seriously.

This movie is more or less a project in internet marketing. Can this concept generate enough buzz to get SyFy to make it. I'm guessing...it will. They've already done Sharktopus...this is just the next logical step.

From the facebook page:

I'm Crocaloctopus, I hope some day to have my own Syfy Saturday night movie or an Asylum movie just like Mega Shark, Gatoroid,Giant Octopus,Dinocroc, Crocasaurus and others. I think I have a lot to offer Mr. Corman,Syfy and the good people at The Asylum and hope they'll give an overgrown genetically mutated tadpole hybrid like me a chance! I have a comic book on the way in the Spring and a plushy toy line late Summer.

ALRIGHT! At least we'll get a comic book. That'll be fucking sweet. And it looks like they are selling T-Shirts right now as well from the facebook page.

Crocaloctopus....maybe not the most original idea ever conceived but there is massive potential here. It make for another shitty Saturday night on SyFy...but that doesn't matter. What does matter is the future. Sharktopus already exists. So if this creature exists then its ONLY logical that they go head to head! Sharktopus vs Crocaloctopus. CAN YOU FUCKING SEE IT!

I can. And it's beautiful.

Mr. Gable...is getting published.

You guys remember that story "Tuesday's Suck" I wrote a couple months ago? Well...I submitted it to the above anthology and it was ACCEPTED! So that means that my story will be included not only in this anthology but there's going to be some REAL exposure here. (Just as to how much...I will never know) And a dollar from every book sold goes to diabetes research! Look at that...I'm helping people.

So I would just like to thank all of you out there that stuck through the month of November as I wrote that damn thing...it was WORTH IT!

Currently, the book is finishing up being put together and should be ready for sale anytime now I'd think. As soon as I know, you'll know.

And...if you're a writer and think this is fucking awesome...they are putting together another anthology called, "Rhonny Reaper's Roadkill Cafe". Check out the facebook page here.

And in respect to the book...I have taken down Tuesdays Suck from the blog. You can still read the first part here if you like.

Again, thank you all! This is just step one towards being a full on writer. I'm happy with that.

Movie Pitch: Mangina vs Cockasaurus

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MOVIE REVIEW: Contact

NOT THE MOVIE STARRING JODIE FOSTER.

This whole blogging thing continues to surprise me day after day after day. Earlier this week, I was sought out, emailed, and asked to view and review a movie. It’s a fairly standard practice amongst reviewers…but this is ME we’re talking about. I had always hoped that things like this would happen and it would appear that they are…happening. I had always hoped that it WOULD happen so I could share a bit of myself…and a bit of my way of thinking about these kinds of things.

I give a lot of movies a lot of shit here and most of them rightly deserve it. But at the same time I am a massive independent film, book, website, EVERYTHING supporter. Independence is the final frontier for absolutely original, creative, and uncensored material. If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t have anything. We need it…whether we like to admit it or not. So when it comes to this kind of a review…I do not take it lightly. I hate to be serious…and it probably won’t be entirely serious…but I will be fair with it. Somebody asked ME to review THEIR film and I will show that person the respect that they deserve. I know they put a lot of work into their work and I don’t see any use in ripping on it if it’s terrible. I’m more about constructive criticism (not that this movie is bad…I’m just generalizing).

That being said. Let’s fucking review Contact.

Actions speak louder than words. If there ever was a way to describe this movie…that would be it. At a total running time of about 10 minutes…there’s only a few words worth of dialogue. This movie is about the atmosphere, the actions, the reactions, and the emotions portrayed and felt by the audience. Very stylish.

I’m sure you know the type of movie I’m talking about. There’s random shots of candles and dinner plates and the dog barking, etc. But it’s these things that makes up the bigger picture. Not only is it a great transition but also a great way to focus our thoughts and feelings. A candle is warm and pleasant…but then the sequence following the candle ends up not so pleasant. This movie pulls you one way, then jump kicks you into another.

Anyway…the general plot. This movie is mostly about drugs. We open with an older couple…not elderly…just older…and they’re setting the table waiting for someone. Then we cutscene to a happy couple frolicking in the ghetto. They get some drugs and go to a place to do them. They get naked…do the drugs…and shit gets real. Actually…the woman hallucinates. And all I gotta say about that scene is…YES! It was all kinds of awesome. Love it! And then the movie comes full circle in the dining room of the older couple again…and I’m left a little confused.

The ending is about what I would expect from a film like this…I never seem to get it. My mind is usually pretty shallow and I have a hard time with depth…hence why I love shitty movies so much. I kinda get it and understand it…but it’s the things that are NOT told that the audience is left to figure out on their own. I think the woman went to rehab and left her drug partner and is trying to get her life back on track. But that’s me. I’m not always right on these things…but that’s what I walked away with.

Other things I would have done a little differently…during the intense nasty scene…the soundtrack sounded like I was playing a video game from the 80’s. Maybe there was some symbolism there…but I was laughing cuz I could swore this movie just turned into a twisted NES game.

And this movie uses…the shaky cam. It’s the popular style of this day and age. I like it to a certain extent but not all the time. I understand what the director is doing here…using techniques of other successful filmmakers instead of trying something different. Not a bad thing…and honestly…this short film got the director a REAL MAN movie gig directing TOM FUCKING SAVINI so I can’t argue that it didn’t work but…Dolph Lundgren also directs the exact same way…just sayin.

All and all…it’s worth your time. It’s pretty moving if you’re into that kind of thing. I think this director has a place in horror and could blossom into something great. I suggest taking it back, not worrying about what other people will think about your work...and just be yourself. Sam Raimi didn’t give a fuck about directing techniques and look where he is.

Actually…that suggestion is probably what will get you NOWHERE in the world of filmmaking today…but from a viewer’s perspective: I love a movie that does what it does because somebody had a lot of passion about it. Regardless of how good or bad it is. Troll 2: Shitty movie…but I absolutely ADORE how much work they put into it and how much they actually thought it was a good movie.

Alright, I just pulled the Troll 2 card, this review is over…

Jeremiah Kipp's The Sadist starring Tom Savini is currently in post production. You can view the trailer here. And while your at it...watch Contact here.

Camel Spiders IN YO FACE!

Far as I can tell there is no poster art for this movie yet...so here's a real photo of a camel spider for you. God damn it that's fucked up. I would literally shit my pants and probably explode from fear if I so much as saw one of those within a few feet of me. I'm crying like a baby when I spot a reasonably sized spider lingering around in the house...but one of those...no way man.

But I have a feeling that picture is immensely more terrifying than this movie:



YES! I LOVE THE WAY THAT TRAILER ENDS. All movie trailers should end that way. Just some dude splattered in blood flopping around. This movie might...it just MIGHT be worth watching.

I remember hearing something about Camel Spiders A LONG time ago. Maybe two years. I don't know for sure. But there was this really dumb trailer showing a POV shot of a camel spider roaming in the desert and then there's these army dudes that get attacked...and blah. It was dumb. Then I see that a new trailer came out and I'm all like...oh YEAH! C. Thomas Howell? He's in ALL the best shitty movies! And what ELSE do my eyes see there? Brian Krause? From CHARMED? That's awesome!

(NOTE: I only know about Charmed because of my fiance. She watches that show all the time. She made me buy the DVDs...and watch most of them. It's not so bad...Bruce Campbell was in an episode.)

UPDATED: Found the trailer I was thinking about. Not the same movie. There's actually ANOTHER movie about camel spiders. Holy shit. Check it out here.

SYNOPSIS:

Based on actual creatures that for years have tormented our armed forces in the Middle East, these things have invaded the Southwestern deserts of the United States. The Camel Spiders now freely hunt for prey, unafraid of any predator - including man. No place is safe; no one is beyond their paralyzing sting. In the end a small band of hearty fighters are forced to make one last stand against them.

Now I would just like to mention the director of this movie. Jim Wynorski. I have a lot of faith in Camel Spiders because of his IMDb profile. Allow me to share a few of his directorial credits with you: Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, The Return of Swamp Thing, Sorority House Massacre II, 976-EVIL II, Ghoulies IV, Storm Trooper, Raptor (that movie that recycled the Carnosaur movies), Gale Force (that movie that used recycled footage from Last Action Hero), Cheerleader Massacre, and Dinocroc vs Supergator....along with several DOZEN softcore pornos: The Bare Wench Project, Cleavagefield, The Hills Have Thighs, The Devil Wears Nada, The Witches of Breastwick, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, and on and on and on...you get the idea. This guy is fucking AWESOME. I desperately need to look into this guys career. Just this paragraph makes me want to BE this guy.

That being said...WOOT! Camel Spiders! IN YO FACE!!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Samurai Princess

Samurai Princess is a movie about a lot of things. Decency is the least among them. This movie sets out to gross you out, gore you to death, fuck your mental brains out, and spit in your face…and you’ll LIKE IT!

I’ll try to explain this movie as best as I can…  …  …  Ok I can’t. Here’s the synopsis from Netflix:

"When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more."

OH YEAH BABY. That’s how we do it. Movies starring adult film stars ALWAYS win in my book.

So I was flipping through the Netflix Instant Watch movies last saturday around 2am and I came across this treasure. I read the synopsis and I recall immediately saying something along the lines of, “Oh fuck yeah, this is happening right now.” And within moments I was watching this.

I’ll be honest…in the first few minutes…you see boob grenades. Don’t believe me? Watch it for yourself!

(NOTE: This is the entire movie…the first two minutes will pretty much seal the deal on whether or not you wish to continue watching this movie. And if you're under 18...you'll go to hell for watching this movie. Obviously rated R. Or worse.)

That’s fucking NUTS isn’t it? I mean…what the fuck is going on!? For some reason beyond my comprehension I couldn’t stop watching it. I wasn’t even that into it in the first couple minutes. It was over the top, it was in your face, but it was TRYING TOO HARD. But at the same time…there’s titty grenades. And then there’s a dude with a chainsaw for a leg shortly after. But I’m glad I continued watching because if not for anything else…there’s a scene when these dudes are hanging out looking at the Samurai Princess’s dead friends and one of them says, “We didn’t kill them you know.” And then another thug shows up behind him with a huge grin on his face and says, “Yeah, we specialize in RAPE.” Hahahaha holy shit, that’s so so wrong but just the way he looks when he says it is priceless.

And I’ll be honest here…I fell asleep about 45 minutes in and then woke up during the middle of the end battle…that I don’t remember that much. I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of epic win (and probably a SHITLOAD of sweet sweet nudity) and I have no doubt I’ll be watching this again. Because…I need to know what happens! And there was a comment on the YouTube forums for this movie about a “monster” scene.

 They must be talking about this.

All in all…give this movie TWO MINUTES of your time. Click on that movie up there (or go to Netflix Instant Watch and add it to your Queue) and just give it two minutes. You will KNOW if you want to watch the rest of it or not. Trust me. It’s fucking out there…and I wasn’t entirely sure if I was comfortable with it myself…but after it was over…I gave it 5 stars. If for no other reason than for Netflix to populate movies like this one based on that rating.

RUBBER: The Isane Telepathic Murdering TIRE!

No folks, this is not about killer condoms. Although there is a movie that exists which deals with killer rubbers. And you can check that out right here.

But no, we have something BETTER! An insane telepathic murdering TIRE! NAMED ROBERT! HAHAHAHAHA



Alright...that trailer is kinda lame. If it weren't about murdering tires I probably wouldn't be interested. But then you read the synopsis and everythings better.

"Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to wreak havoc on small desert creatures and various lost items, his attention soon turns to humans, resulting in the most gory vehicular-related mayhem inflicted on screen by an "inanimate" object since Christine."

This just seems like some kind of fake fan trailer that some guys would do cuz they thought it'd be really fucking funny. And instead...we have a serious film about a murdering tire.

2011 is going to be a great year.

Check out the official website for more information. And pictures of Robert.

(and on a sidenote...I'd just like to say it's great to be back to the blog after a week off. Honestly spent that time playing Donkey Kong Country Returns instead of doing any housework. But what can you do? And now...as you can already probably tell...it seems that I've forgotten how to blog. Who knew? I was gonna open up with this kick ass movie pitch that was suggested to me...but I woke up too late to write it. And my writing is shit after not writing anything for so long. So give me a couple days, I'll get back in the swing of this thing. I hope everyone had a great holiday!)