Tuesday, January 4, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Samurai Princess

Samurai Princess is a movie about a lot of things. Decency is the least among them. This movie sets out to gross you out, gore you to death, fuck your mental brains out, and spit in your face…and you’ll LIKE IT!

I’ll try to explain this movie as best as I can…  …  …  Ok I can’t. Here’s the synopsis from Netflix:
"When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more."
OH YEAH BABY. That’s how we do it. Movies starring adult film stars ALWAYS win in my book.

So I was flipping through the Netflix Instant Watch movies last saturday around 2am and I came across this treasure. I read the synopsis and I recall immediately saying something along the lines of, “Oh fuck yeah, this is happening right now.” And within moments I was watching this.

I’ll be honest…in the first few minutes…you see boob grenades. Don’t believe me? Watch it for yourself!

(NOTE: This is the entire movie…the first two minutes will pretty much seal the deal on whether or not you wish to continue watching this movie. And if you're under 18...you'll go to hell for watching this movie. Obviously rated R. Or worse.)

That’s fucking NUTS isn’t it? I mean…what the fuck is going on!? For some reason beyond my comprehension I couldn’t stop watching it. I wasn’t even that into it in the first couple minutes. It was over the top, it was in your face, but it was TRYING TOO HARD. But at the same time…there’s titty grenades. And then there’s a dude with a chainsaw for a leg shortly after. But I’m glad I continued watching because if not for anything else…there’s a scene when these dudes are hanging out looking at the Samurai Princess’s dead friends and one of them says, “We didn’t kill them you know.” And then another thug shows up behind him with a huge grin on his face and says, “Yeah, we specialize in RAPE.” Hahahaha holy shit, that’s so so wrong but just the way he looks when he says it is priceless.

And I’ll be honest here…I fell asleep about 45 minutes in and then woke up during the middle of the end battle…that I don’t remember that much. I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of epic win (and probably a SHITLOAD of sweet sweet nudity) and I have no doubt I’ll be watching this again. Because…I need to know what happens! And there was a comment on the YouTube forums for this movie about a “monster” scene.

 They must be talking about this.

All in all…give this movie TWO MINUTES of your time. Click on that movie up there (or go to Netflix Instant Watch and add it to your Queue) and just give it two minutes. You will KNOW if you want to watch the rest of it or not. Trust me. It’s fucking out there…and I wasn’t entirely sure if I was comfortable with it myself…but after it was over…I gave it 5 stars. If for no other reason than for Netflix to populate movies like this one based on that rating.


  1. Fuck yah Mr. Gable! Nice find. Those tits are the bomb! This movie has been on my radar but I never dreamed in a million years Netflix would have it, so I must not have even looked. Thanks for hooking me up. And thank you Netflix for being so badass. I will never misunderestimate you again.

  2. I know! Netflix keeps getting more and more badass. I was just searching around for some shit and it happened nearly ALL OF IT was on instant watch. Including BOTH "Troll 3" movies. Quest for the Mighty Sword AND Contamination .7 (aka The Crawlers). Can't fucking believe it.

  3. I continue to be proud, quite proud, that I am a quarter Japanese. Of all the cultures out there Japanese cinema continues to put out the most fucked up and super insane (I mean, really sink your teeth into it insanity) movies I have ever seen.