BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve seen a lot of movies. Some of them are ground breaking, a lot of them are soul crushing. Some are the greatest movies ever, others are used to inspire suicide. But then there’s some that change your life forever. They inspire you. They move you. They show you things that you never thought possible. They pull at your emotions. Movies like Scarface, Rocky IV, Terminator 2, and…

 Never before have I seen such a treasure.

Let me lay down the general premise of Tammy and the T-Rex:

“An evil scientist implants the brain of Michael, a murdered high school student, in an animatronic Tyrannosaurus. He escapes, wreaks vengeance on his high school tormentors and is reunited with his sweetheart Tammy. Together, the couple try to elude the mad scientist and the police and find a more appropriate vessel for Michael's brain.”

YES! This is the greatest thing to happen to me on YouTube since I was drunk at 3am that time and decided to watch Robowar.

This movie lives up to everything in that premise and so much more. This movie is made so poorly that you’d swear they were doing it on purpose.

When you see it you'll shit bricks.

You just can’t understand the immense amount of JOY I received from this movie. Not only does it incorporate fucking DINOSAURS into its ridiculous plot but it even has 2 rising stars in its midst. Denise Richards plays Tammy the hot little cheerleader who’s frustrated in love. And Paul Walker plays her wannabe boyfriend who charges through adversity (and being a T-Rex) to get her.

 It’s SHOCKING they made a career after this.

Let’s talk about what makes this movie great. Hand over Fist best worst movie kind of great. As I’ve stated a million times already: Stupid awesome plot. Second: KNOWN actors (unknown at the time) that have no place being in this thing. It’s just a wonder to watch them and know how their lives turn out. (One’s cracked out of her mind and the other can’t get out of fast car movies) Third: The bad-o-meter is spiking on this one. This movie is a where’s waldo of boom mic’s. I know of 3 off the top of my head but you constantly see shadows and blatant mic’s dropping down during a scene. It’s just the best. Fourth: It just doesn’t give a fuck. T-Rex has short arms right? So tell me how it can reach past it’s face, dial a telephone, and put the receiver up to its ear? HOW? Could it just be a stagehand with a glove on? Noooo….that couldn’t be it. His arms are 6 feet long, that's it! He must be the stretch Armstrong of Tyrannosaurus’!

And the thing is, this movie is really light hearted and has that bad Jim Wynorski kids movie kind of a feel to it. The dialogue and the directing is just delivered in that same way but the T-Rex is really scary. Looking at the thing...it's got huge teeth, a deep roar, and it actually rips people to shreds. His foot slices a dudes chest open, he's biting people's heads and legs, it's all quite terrifying..... and that's what makes it awesome. It doesn't know WHAT it wants to be!

This movie is not good by any means. But if you love eye rolling awesomeness…you’ll love this movie. And it even stars Buck Flower, the guy who almost always plays a bum, AS A COP! HAHAHAHAHA

 What the fuck am I doing?

You can’t go wrong with Tammy and the T-Rex. It’s so dumb it’s awesome. You’ll get drunk and watch this right now, if you know what’s good for ya.

We need to pay attention to THE PANDORA EXPERIMENT

Tooling around the internet and I see this thing and go in for a closer look:

It's New Years Eve and five hot party girls are tearing it up on the Las Vegas Strip . The night goes horribly wrong when they steal a car, take a wrong turn and find themselves trapped.
 
They get kidnapped and held against their will in a underground research facility. Held captive, these beauties are used as guinea pigs in a diabolical plan. Can the girls escape the crazed scientists who want to use them as human lab rats in THE PANDORA EXPERIMENT?

Who will escape and who will die? Will any of them survive to tell the world about the deadly genetic mutants the lab has created? If the creatures get out, will the entire world be in grave peril? Can anything save us from mutant creatures of The PANDORA EXPERIMENT?

Whoa. Hot Party Girls. Las Vegas. Wrong Turn. Research Facility. Crazed Scientist. GENETIC MUTANTS!?

Oh wait there's more:

Directed by Mike L. Taylor, stars Noah Hathaway, Rachel Federoff, Michael Dorn, Destin Pfaff, Dave Fearless, Yasmine Yenganeh, Diana Terranova, Christine Nguyen, Jennifer Wenger, Bruna Rubio, Jon Mack, Tammy Klein, Rileah Vanderbilt, Robert Rhine, and Jenny Lin

Holy shit! WORF is in a movie with hot chicks in Vegas fighting mutants! YES! (And if you don't know, Noah Hathaway is the kid that played Atreyu in The Neverending Story. He was also in the first Troll movie) I hope a trailer comes soon because I'm hooked.

Check out their facebook page to check out other sexy pictures and to keep up to date with production.

Who wants to see former president Franklin Delano Roosevelt kill Nazi Werewolves?

I couldn't find a poster for this movie but I did find this fake Michael Bay FDR poster that looks badass so I figured....what the hell? Close enough right?

So, who's ready to see FDR gunning down Nazi Werewolves with a tommy gun?

I AM!!!!

Three things. SHUT THE FUCK UP EINSTEIN! and MARCO POLIO! and...

Synopsis from YouTube: In this throwback to the original 1966 Batman movie, FDR rides a "wheelchair of death" to stop the world from werewolves who carry the polio virus, including werewolf versions of Hitler, Mussolini, and Emperor Hirohito.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Must. Own. This. Movie.

From the writer of Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury.

This is Jacqui Holland, America's next big thing.

Everyone, this is Jacqui Holland, America’s next big thing. If you don’t know who she is then you need to listen up because she is quickly climbing the cinema ladder and soon she will be the biggest thing to happen to film since they figured out women look great on screen.

I don’t need to tell you that this woman is beautiful. You can see that for yourself.

Here.

Here.

and here.

What I’d rather discuss is the circumstances to which brought me to write about her. I was sitting around on the couch watching Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (aka the greatest movie ever. Review soon.) and there came a scene with a cute little blond flirting with Kevin Sorbo. As she spoke, I recognized her voice. I recognized it from somewhere. She has a very unique voice, kind of one of those “OHMIGAWD” kind of deliveries (but way cuter) and I knew I had heard it somewhere before. But where?

One of Mr. Gable's Top 15 of 2011 no less.

You all know how much I love Full Moon and their fantastic brand of film. It took all of 30 seconds on IMDb to make that connection. I couldn’t believe it. I managed to track down someone that has a minor role in one movie to that same person that has another minor role in another movie. And neither movie is all that popular! (YET.)

What does this mean? Am I just that good at picking out people? Do I just watch too many obscure movies? OR…is Jacqui Holland someone special?

Oh fuck yes, Ninja Turtles!

Jacqui Holland is special. Hands down, guaranteed, 100%, prime cut, high class, world class, first class, ready to order, special. She isn’t just another sexy woman playing a dumb blonde. I’ll admit, that’s the only roles I’ve seen her in BUT she brought something to them that made me notice her and that’s what’s important. You like her. She’s friendly, flirty, and someone you want to hang out with. She has a presence on the screen that is extremely rare. Normally, you just watch a movie and there’s a hot chick and then whatever, she’s served her purpose. But Jacqui somehow did that and made a lasting impression. I want to see more of this girl. I want to see what other kinds of characters she can bring to life.

 I don't know what this is but I need 5 of them.

Here’s what really compels me to write this article. Here’s Jacqui Holland, the adorable girl next door, and then you look at her IMDb page and you see this huge list of movies she’s in. A lot of them are shorts, a lot of them are minor roles in some impressively mainstream movies. Then you see a movie called “Hotel Arthritis”, which is at the time of this article, in post-production. Allow me to drop you the synopsis from IMDb:

“Senior citizens are being offed by a masked killer who stalks the halls of the small retirement community in which they live. The story opens with a terrifying murder, creating space on the waiting list for Rose to move in. Upon Rose's arrival, she is taken on a tour of the grounds by the quirky, offbeat manager of the joint: Dale. The odd and brightly colored characters continue to pop up as Fanny, her Jewish gossiping neighbor, introduces Rose to "The gang." The routine of daily life is all stirred up at the moment. People are disappearing, there's talk of a ghost, and to top things off, there's an STD outbreak. As terror rises throughout the building, the fear of who's next and who the killer may be, continues to grow. We find ourselves in a game of "Who-done-it?" Is it Desperella, the ground's custodial manager? Is it Kitty, the sexy activities director? Or Zeke, her punk rock boyfriend? Maybe it's one of the elder folks suffering from dementia or seeking some sort of revenge. Full of laughs and full of scares, you'll be on the edge of your seats from the moment you enter the world of the Lake View Retirement Home: The place where people come to live... until they die!”

YES! That sounds EXACTLY like the kind of movie that belongs on this blog. But that’s really not what matters. What matters is that Jacqui co-wrote it.

Not only is Jacqui an interesting actress but she’s also a writer. AND a producer! It’s all recent work but to me that’s very impressive. This woman is actively seeking out her work. She’s making it happen. She just doesn’t take any role she can in order to be an actress. She’s making herself an actress. She’s making herself a filmmaker. She’s learning every aspect there is to making a movie. So much so that in conjunction with actor/writer/producer/director Jason Lockhart they have formed their own production company called J-Star Pictures. One click glance at the homepage and you see in the title "Fun Filmmaking". That just tells me that Jacqui is making the films that she wants to make. Not taking what she can get but actually MAKING it.

And to me, that is both inspiring and very interesting. That means this person is someone to look out for. She’s going places. She wants this. If she can keep up the pace she has so far, I can see her making something out of herself. And I, for one, can’t wait to see that day. Until then, I’ll be the lowly voice shouting to the world that I knew Jacqui Holland before knowing Jacqui Holland was cool.

Talent.

You can check out Jacqui on facebook, Twitter, Myspace, YouTube (where there are loads of comedy sketches and other great videos), IMDb, J-Star Pictures, and her website.

Click Here to check out an impressive acting reel including a scene from Gingerdead Man 3.

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Gyaos (1967)

Turtle vs Bat. Whoever wins...doesn't matter, that's fucking awesome.

I gotta hand it to him, Gyaos is one bad motherfucker. So far upon watching 3 Gamera movies (2 of which he has real opponents) Gyaos tops the fucking cake. To get you up to speed in the event you have not read my previous Gamera reviews, Gamera is a skyscraper size turtle that eats and breathes fire. It can also retract all of its limbs and then start a launch sequence out of each hole and it will spin up into the air and fly around. (I never get tired of describing him) So, what is a Gyaos exactly? Well, Gyaos is named for the bizarre noise he makes when he’s fucking shit up. GYAOS! GYAOS! GYAOS! Roughly translated it means: Fuck You.

 We rollin, they hatin

Gyaos is more or less a giant bat. Why he’s so big and why he’s so badass is never really explained. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Gyaos can fly. So this naturally makes for some of the greatest mid air fights between a 300 foot tall Bat and a 300 foot tall flying turtle. Gyaos can also shoot FUCKING LASERS out of his mouth. Gyaos uses this several times throughout the movie. His first use of it is to cut an airplane full of passengers in half. The airplane splits and half a dozen people immediately fall to their deaths while the rest of the wreckage scatters across Japan. It’s easily the greatest thing ever.

That is until this reporter tries to get in close for some pictures. He takes this kid along because he knows the area better than he does. So when they get to the cave where Gyaos is living and when Gyaos wakes up and is ready to start whippin’ ass, and then rocks and shit start falling all around them. The kid is screaming and begging for help and the reporter....just blows him off and runs away, leaving the kid to his doom. HAHAHAHA

Before I continue, I just want to get a couple more things about Gyaos out of the way. First off, he has 2 spines. This is why he can shoot lasers. (Because they work like a tuning fork) Second, He is nocturnal and only comes out at night. Third, he can stand up straight on the ground, flap his wings and demolish every tree and building right in front of him with the power of his wingflaps. And finally, his most important ability...he shoots poisonous yellow mist from his nipples.

Rest assured that nothing in your life will ever be this awesome.

Now, we can’t forget Gamera. As amazing as he is...he’s really been kind of a chump these last couple of movies. He let Barugon get the better of him with it’s dick tongue freeze ray and now Gyaos waltz’s in and blasts him to shit with its mouth laser. TWICE he is put out of commission before he has a good shot at doing anything useful. But I guess that’s how you move a story along, there isn’t much else to tell about Gamera. He just has to take some punches and come through in the end right? Well, Gamera baaaarrrely pulls through on this one. Gyaos just has too many weapons at his disposal and Gamera is fucked over continuously....that is until he wises up. You see, since Gyaos has two spines, he can’t turn his head. So if you get behind him...he’s totally fucking fucked. Gamera, in his infinite wisdom, flies up into the air and over the head of Gyaos and then pins him down like a prison bitch. He then clamps down his mouth around his throat and draaaaaaags Gyaos up the mountain and chucks him into a volcano.

Done and Done.

What I liked most about this installment of the Gamera series is that it wasted little time getting into the big monster action. (And Gamera bleeds in this one) There wasn’t any stupid side plot involving greed or some other moral. It’s just two big monsters kicking each other’s ass. I think this movie is good largely in part to Gyaos. He has SO many weapons of destruction that the humans can’t keep up with him. After each battle with Gamera, the humans try to pick up the slack while Gamera heals himself. They try shooting at it, they try dropping bombs on it, and they even brilliantly try to lure it on a platform so they can spin it around and around to get Gyaos dizzy enough to pass out until the sun comes up. (The Sun is Gyaos’ Achilles heal. That’s why he only comes out at night because UV Radiation causes him to shrink) But in the end it’s just Gamera dragging that sumbitch into a volcano that does the trick.

There still is an annoying kid infatuated with Gamera that keeps getting into trouble. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid if I saw a giant monster like that near me I’d be high tailing it the other way. (But, being a kid and WATCHING this movie, I'd completely be rooting for the big guy) Whatever, this is essentially a kids movie so I can forgive it. I just have to accept that this is what these movies are and just love them for it. It isn’t so bad this time...and it is pretty hilarious when that guy just leaves him in the cave.

So to conclude, if you need to watch any of the Gamera movies, start with the first one and then watch this one. I know Gyaos makes a return at least twice in some later installments. He is included on that trilogy of movies from the 90s that comes after this era of Gamera. I can’t wait to see this thing modernized with better effects and I think they actually make him scary again so that will be awesome.

That being said, if you plan on watching some Gamera, you’re going to HAVE to watch this one. You’ll need it to get to know Gyaos a little better for when he shows up again later in the series. And honestly, this movie is pretty fun anyway. And Gyaos, well Gyaos is just one bad mother fucker.

Also available on Netflix Instant from MST3K.

Kevin Sorbo...WHY ARE YOUR MOVIES SO AWESOME!?

SERIOUSLY! WHY DOES THIS GUY CONTINUE TO BRING TO MY EYES THE GREATEST CINEMA I HAVE EVER SEEEEEEEEEN!!

Amazon says this movie comes out in two weeks. Blind buying this.

There are FOUR Snow White movies coming out this year.

Directed by Full Moon legend David DeCoteau and starring B movie god Eric Roberts.

Probably the best of the bunch. Featuring Thor, Aeon Flux, and Reality Enemy: K-Stew.

Ah yes, and the Asylum has gotten in on the craze as well. Making sure theirs comes out before the Huntsman AND before this one...

Easily the WORST of all 4 of them.





BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rubber (2011)

Rubber is a movie that is completely aware of its badness. (Not a movie about a killer condom. That would be this movie) It's so aware of it's badness that it even tries to kill itself at one point in the movie. It fortunately fails and I’m happy that it did.

Rubber is a movie about a killer…tire. Oh yes, that just proves that we really HAVE NOT seen it all. And the tire’s name is Robert. (HAHAHAHA!!) Who has telekinetic powers. So basically it’s car tire with the ability of a scanner.

 

YYYYEEESSSSS!!! 

This is currently on Netflix Instant and available everywhere on DVD. Fuck this review, go watch it now. Trust me. It’s awesome.

This movie starts out with a guy walking up to the camera and giving the audience a message about nonsense in movies. The camera pans off and we see the “real” audience…a bunch of people sitting on a hill watching the killer tire through binoculars. The movie constantly switches from the sweet tire action (aka the movie) to the crowd of spectators (aka the audience). And the spectators comments mirrored my thoughts almost exactly, trying to make sense of the motivations of a murderous tire. It's so awesome I want to cry.

The tire itself is pretty pissed that its all alone in the desert. So it makes its way towards the road…blowing up small animals on its way. (It starts small like with tin cans and stuff but it eventually works its way up to blowing up a rabbit, it's just so fucking awesome) Then, all of a sudden, it is hit by a passing truck and decides that that fucker needs to die. So he goes around blowing people up left and right.


The amount of explosions is just so awesome. You’ll be cheering wildly every 5-10 minutes. The time between explosions is spent awkwardly watching the audience as they watch the movie. (This is fucking hard to write out. I hope you understand it.) And it is at one point that this movie tries to kill itself. It does so by sending a character up with some food for all the participants but one in particular says he's not hungry and doesn't eat it. Shortly after, everyone dies except this man. He's a little smarter than this movie and he saw it coming. But, he wants to see the ending. So while all the people IN this movie try to wrap it up and go home, they are forced to continue because there is still an audience for it. So they scramble to continue and finish their story of Robert, the killer tire. And the man in the audience that survives is none other than:

WINGS FUCKING HAUSER

So, the movie continues and we witness many more amazing tire related deaths. And then it comes to a violent and awesome end. I don’t want to give any of it away but it ends exactly the way that it should. Confusing, hilarious, and lusting for more.

And setting itself up for a sequel. (YYYESSS!!!)

Why? No reason.

This philosophy of filmmaking is absolutely brilliant. You don't really see it coming. You just see random things happening, an epic speech, something odd, but it all comes together so well. This movie is too smart for its own good. I just love the way this movie is presented. This could have just been another plain old "Tire on the loose" movie but no. The writer took it further and gave it a mind. This movie knows things about itself. It knows it exists and that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It knows that we're watching. It knows that it's ridiculous. It knows these things but it tells it to you with a straight face. That's the important part. This movie talks to you directly but never once does it seem like it's a joke. These characters know what they are and what they're doing. No fucking around. That's why this movie is so good. It's absurd, it's crazy, and it tries to make sense of itself WITH you.

Genius.