The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 2

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 2 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale will be taking on Quest for the Mighty Sword. Orca is clearly the better movie...but after seeing what Quest has up her sleeve in Round 1 this will make for a great match up. Next, it's TerrorVision vs Birdemic. This time Birdemic is the fan favorite. Does TV have what it takes to take down easily one of the best/worst movies ever made? After that, Panman returns to take on Alligator. Alligator and Panman are great movies and well paced so I can only assume that this battle will be no less. And last we see Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin takes it when it comes to watchability but can he avoid the Cyborg Stunner? We will see in ROUND 2 OF THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

**I would also like to note that from this point on, the only character I have control over is Alienator. I thought the game allowed the option for me to play as any character during any round. This is not the case. So for the most part what happens from this point on is all up to the computer.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs Quest for the Mighty Sword

FIGHT!

Quest meets Orca in the middle of the ring and they grapple. (THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING) Quest tries for a side suplex...but Orca is just too damn heavy. She limps away holding her back. Orca rushes towards her...BULLDOG! He just bulldogged her!! Something I've heard she's quite used to.

Quest gets up and...BIG PUNCH TO ORCA'S FACE! ORCA IS BLEEDING! There's a river of blood flowing from his face. This is insane. Actually...it looks like Orca has gone insane. He comes back at her with a quick punch...but Quest counters and punches him....but ORCA COUNTERS AGAIN AND....hits the big punch to the side of her face. Orca picks her off the matt, in the grapple...side suplex. Quest gets up...struts up to Orca....OOOOHHH!!!!! SHE JUST BITCH SLAPPED HIM!! HAHAHAHA

Orca does not seem happy about that. She rushes her and....CLOTHESLINE. He just knocked her head off!! That's gonna hurt in the morning. Quest is up, she's staggering....SPEAR! ORCA JUST SPEARED HER! If she were an ocean front town she would be ON FIRE right now. Orca has his special, Quest is staggering...HE HITS IT! He lands THE KILLER WHALE!

I think she's enjoying that a little too much.

Orca goes for the pin....1....kick out. WHAT? HOW DID SHE DO THAT!!! Orca is OUTRAGED! He throws her outside. His face is all business right now. He grabs her head, throws it between his legs....POWERBOMB! Powerbomb on the outside! He picks her up...NECKBREAKER! OH MY GOD! How can her head take any more punishment??? He jumps on her for the pin...1....2....3!!!!

Orca advances to Round 3!

MATCH 2: TerrorVision vs Birdemic

FIGHT!

 

These are both fan favorites but I'm thinking most people are rooting for Birdemic. He looked very good in try outs and here he comes. He throws a punch, TV retaliates with another punch. Punch Punch Punch. TV grabs Birdemic...Side suplex. TV picks him up...it looks like he's going to try it again...REVERSAL! Birdemic reverses with his own suplex. TV is down on the matt. He goes down for the pin....1 count.

TV gets up...gets ahold of Birdemic...side suplex. It would appear that this is TV's trademark move. He picks up Birdemic for what can only be ANOTHER side suplex but...BIRDEMIC REVERSES INTO AN ANKLE LOCK! Oh my god, he's going to snap his fucking ankle! TV is writhing in pain! It's horrible. He releases it and waits. TV gets to his feet...FLYING KNEE! Birdemic practically flew across the ring with his knee extended outward! OWN'D!

TV IS DOWN, Birdemic is on top of him delivering big punches. Birdemic gets TV up to his feet, throws him into the ropes....SPINNING DDT! Birdemic is just dominating this match up. He gets TV up to his feet, goes for a big headbutt and...TV REVERSES! BIG PUNCH TO THE FACE! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING!

TV comes back BIG. While Birdemic is staggering around clueless to what just happened, TV rushes behind him and BULLDOGS HIM right into the matt. TV picks him up, throws him into the ropes...SIDEWALK SLAM. He picks him up one more time...PILEDRIVER! Dear god no, what is TV doing? He's up on the top ropes...OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT BIRDEMIC. TV JUST FLEW FROM THE TOP ROPES FOR A... SOMERSAULT STUNNER!! 

OWN'D

1...2.....3!!!! It's all over! TV WINS THE UPSET! BIRDEMIC LOSES! BIRDEMIC LOSES!!!!!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 3!

MATCH 3: Alligator vs Panman

FIGHT!

Panman ain't takin any shit from Gator. He comes out swinging. Alligator stops him in his tracks...BIG PUNCH! OH SHIT! Panman is BLEEDING! PANMAN IS BLEEDING! Gator gets the grapple and Panman reverses...and kicks Gator right in the face. Alligator is up, he's in the ropes...he's back...Panman doesn't seem to be paying attention...OH!! RUNNING CLOTHESLINE!!! PANMAN IS DOWN! PANMAN IS DOWN!


Seizing this opportunity, Alligator busts out his ghettoblaster and places it in the corner. The following is played throughout the rest of the match:

WHY? Because Alligator is fucking badass, that's why!

OH SHIT! PANMAN JUST HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR! HAHAHAHA Stupid Gator. Shouldn't have been playing awesome music. Now he's got him up and....CHOKESLAM!! Panman just chokeslammed ALLIGATOR! Do you realize how fucking HEAVY HE IS??? He's driving him into the ground. He's stomping a mudhole in his ass! How can Gator be taking it!?


Alligator wipes his foot away. He's up! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? (you see...the alligator has a very tough outer skin capable of withstanding large amounts of ass whoopin. to truly defeat the alligator you must attack its underside or its mouth.)


Alligator whips Panman into the ropes. Panman......PANMAN DODGES THE CLOTHESLINE! HE'S INTO THE OTHER SET OF ROPES AND...SPINNING DDT!!! SPINNING DDT!!! Alligator is face down. Panman reaches down and scoops him up...AND OVER HIS HEAD! A MASSIVE GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT. You guys really should've bought tickets to this thing. That was amazing.


Alligator is staggering. Panman gets him in the grapple...he's lifting him onto his shoulders. AIRPLANE SPIN! OH FUCK HE'S DOING AN AIRPLANE SPIN!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!! AAAAANNNNDDDD....he spins him into something similar to a diamond cutter!! Panman rolls him over...picks him up....INVERTED DDT!

I really hope this is what happens in Panman 2: Panman vs A GIANT FUCKING ALLIGATOR.

He goes for the pin...1....2....3!!! OH MY GOD HE DID IT! NO SPECIAL! NO SPECIAL!!!!! Panman is so badass he beat him with normal moves. Amazing!!!!


Panman advances to Round 3!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin

FIGHT!

Alienator runs up and PUNCHES RUMP RIGHT IN THE FACE! HE'S BLEEDING! 3 SECONDS AND HE'S BLEEDING! RUMP IS UP AND....OH!! KICK TO ALIENATOR'S FACE!!! ALIENATOR IS BLEEDING!!! 9 SECONDS AND THE BLOOD IS RUNNING THICKER THAN THE MISSISSIPPI!!

6 seconds later...fucking WIN.

Rump...snap suplex to Alienator. Alienator...to the top rope. Rump runs up AND TOSSES HER OFF THE TOP ROPE! WHAT THE FUCK!!! HAHAHAHA That was awesome! Rump runs up and hits her with the DOMINATOR (I'll leave your imagination figure that one out)


Rump gets Alienator up on his shoulders...AND SPINNING NECKBREAKER! Jesus man, that's a woman, take it easy. OH SHIT! SHOULDER BREAKER! HOW MANY OTHER THINGS ARE THERE LEFT TO BREAK!!! Alienator retaliates...punch left, right, kick, grapple...she sends him to the corner. She rushes him...AND MISSES THE CLOTHESLINE! Oh fuck, her shoulder is really hurting now! Rump hits her with a big punch....SUPLEX! Rump is going to the top rope...oh dear god no...he wouldn't....FLYING LEG DROP!!! OH MY GOD!!! ALIENATOR IS BROKEN IN HALF!!! Rump picks her up, has her in his grasp...what is he going to do now? Somebody call the morgue and let them know they have incoming...Rump hits her with the SPINNING PILEDRIVER! OH DEAR GOD PIN HER ALREADY!!! 1....2....3! Rumpelstiltskin win! Thank god its all over, I'm gonna need a beer after watching that.


Rumpelstiltskin advances to Round 3! Panman...look out. You have a psycho on your hands.


Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality for ROUND 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Round 3 will see TWO EPIC MATCH UPS. First Orca: The Killer Whale takes on TerrorVision. A battle that will most assuredly end very badly for one of them. After what TerrorVision did to The Amazing Bulk and Birdemic, does Orca have what it takes to bring him down? And our second match...Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin. These two powerhouse wowed audiences during tryouts. Both were extremely impressive and highly underrated. They really need to see more action. But after the pummeling Rumpelstiltskin gave Alienator, can Panman survive the brutality long enough for the win?


Find out tomorrow in Round 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 1

MS Paint baby.

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 1 matches. First up, Quest for the Mighty Sword vs R.O.T.O.R. Both movies are extremely terrible but at the same time hilarious. This should be an equally entertaining match up. Next, it's The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision. TerrorVision is everyone's fan favorite in this bout but he will have his hands full with the overweight, underdressed AMAZING BULK. After that, Panman will faceoff against She. Is he a man's man who refuses to hit ladies or will he pummel her into the ground? And SHE, we know she takes shit from no man having built an entire civilization of man hating women so this should be an interesting fight. And last is Alienator vs Future-Kill. A match that everyone will be able to tolerate because they're so wasted. Nobody fucking likes either of them. So...whatever.

MATCH 1: Quest for the Mighty Sword vs. R.O.T.O.R.

FIGHT!

Quest comes out swinging. Rotor is backed into the corner, Quest hits him with a right jab and he's locked in the turnbuckles. Quest backs up and runs....OH! CLOTHESLINE! Rotor is knocked down. Quest faces the crowd for a quick taunt and....Rotor has her grappled from behind. Quest, with a smile on her face, kicks back between her legs and delivers a devastating low blow. Rotor is down again. The look on his face is not one of joy. Pain. That is the look of pain.

Rotor is up and comes flying at Quest with a roundhouse kick...and Quest deflected it. She has his foot in her hands and...and...Rotor flips through the air, kicking her in the face. He pulls her up to her feet and delivers a snap suplex. Quest gets up and whips Rotor into the ropes. He comes back into A SIDEWALK SLAM. OH SHIT! He just got DOMINATED.

Rage swells in Rotor's face. He whips Quest into the ropes and...SPEAR! HE SPEARED HER RIGHT INTO THE MATT. HE'S UNRELENTING. He's on top of her pummeling her face. Bruises are swelling up everywhere. He's got her up on her feet now and...he's taking it to the outside. He's got the ringside steel steps and...HOLY SHIT! RIGHT IN HER FACE! That's going to require medical attention. After what he's done to her face today, there's no chance she'll ever get a date. Not that she was ever that hot to begin with.

Quest returns to the ring, fleeing in terror. Rotor...dear god no....he's got his special. He gets Quest in a grapple and...HE JUST LAID HER OUT WITH THE ROTOR SPINNER. TWICE! Quest is down...but Rotor isn't pinning her. What the fuck is he doing? I guess he wants some more. Quest gets back to her feet. She....dear god she's....HULKING UP. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? She is gaining momentum. She's coming at him with the jabs, left right left right. Into the corner. She's got him right where she wants him. She looks like she's about to finish it. She's got him between her legs...a place all of us have been...and...and... POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!!! I THINK HIS FUCKING NECK IS BROKEN!! She takes the pin and 1...2...3!!!!! PINFALL!!

Quest for the Mighty Sword advances to Round 2!

MATCH 2: The Amazing Bulk vs TerrorVision

FIGHT!

TV charges out of the gate. He is RELENTLESS! He's got Bulk on the ground. He is slapping him around like a red headed step child! Bulk has no choice but to head out of the ring and grab an equalizer - a stop sign. He's in the ring and...TV knocks it out of his hands and lands him with not one but TWO SIDE SUPLEXES!!! OH MY GOD!! TV HAS THE STOP SIGN!!

Man, I suck at this game.

TV is UNFORGIVING. He keeps beating the ever loving piss out of Bulk. His eyes have glazed over. His soul is no longer of this Earth. BUT WAIT! Bulk is up. He's knocked the stop sign out of TV's hand and he's got him in the corner. He hits him with the big head butt. And again. And again. AND AGAIN! How can TV take it!? Bulk takes a swing with the big right hand and...TV REVERSES! He lands a giant fist to the face and...

DEAR GOD THE AMAZING BULK IS BLEEDING!!! BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE!!! TV has his special meter...he's got Bulk in his grasp...and...and...HE HITS HIM WITH THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!! BULK IS DOWN! BULK IS DOWN!!! 1...2...3!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 2!

MATCH 3: Panman vs She

FIGHT!

She attacks Panman wildly! This is worse than that time my wife caught me cheating on her sister! THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE! EYES! SHE'S GONE FOR THE EYES! Panman knocks her hands away and PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE! SHE IS DOWN! Oh my god, this is a SLOBBERKNOCKER.

She comes back with a running spin kick. Panman is down. She takes it to the top rope. She jumps and...PANMAN MOVES! She lands hard. Her gut has been BUSTED. Panman takes it outside. She flees to the opposite side of the ring and takes aid from an audience member. She grabs their...bouquet of roses? Here she comes. SHE HITS HIM WITH THE ROSES! The thorns! THINK OF THE THORNS! She is beating him with the bouquet of roses. Panman is....slightly annoyed. He gets to his feet and heads back to the ring.

She enters the ring and knocks him down with another spin kick. She attempts the top rope again and...MISSES! SHE MISSED AGAIN! Panman is on his feet. He tosses her into the ropes and...SPINNING DDT! OH MY GOD! SPINNING DDT! She is down. Panman is on top of her punching the shit out of her face. His fists are coming down like Asteroids of PAIN! He rolls She to the outside. Panman...what the fuck is he doing. He can't be...he wouldn't...

He's climbing the turnbuckles! From the top rope....FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE OUTSIDE! He has his special. He gets her to her feet...in the grapple...PANSLAM! He takes her down with the Panslam on the outside! He rolls her up for the pin...1....2...........3!!!! He's got it!

Panman advances to Round 2!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Future-Kill

FIGHT!

Alienator charges FK and lands a clothesline. FK is down within 2 seconds. Alienator climbs the ropes. What is she doing? No way can she land this...SHE LANDS THE FLYING ELBOW! OH MY GOD! FK is crying like a little bitch! HAHAHAHAHA This is awesome!

FK is down. Alienator goes to the top rope and does it again. THREE TIMES! This is pathetic. FK is about as useless as a one legged man in an ass whoopin contest. Alienator has her special. She's got him in her grasp and...SHE HITS IT! The Cyborg Stunner!

But what's this? She's not pinning him. She's going for the tap out! She's at his feet...and...PUTS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER! A move made famous by the great Bret "The Hitman" Hart. But he doesn't tap out. She lets him go. She couldn't stand his whimpy little screams. She's got him on his feet and...SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. SUPLEX. Wow. Alienator is but a cat with its toy. She takes him to the corner and gives him not one, but three headbutts. FK is down. She's got her special again. FK is on his feet, Alienator gets the grapple...and STUNNER! But wait, she's getting him back up again...ANOTHER STUNNER! Wait, she can't be. She's got him up one more time....dear god no, let the man live! STUNNER! SHE LANDS THREE STUNNERS! He's tilting his head forward...can he take any more? NO! He's out! He's out cold. Alienator has just knocked Future-Kill THE FUCK OUT! TKO! TKO!

Alienator advances to Round 2!

Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality tomorrow for ROUND 2 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE. Round 2 will see Quest for the Mighty Sword vs Orca: The Killer Whale, TerrorVision vs Birdemic, Panman vs Alligator, and Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. So until tomorrow...take it easy. And watch bad movies.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Alienator (1990) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

Synopsis from IMDb:

Kol is an evil guy about to be executed on a distant spaceship. He manages to escape on a shuttle and make his way to some woods in America. The commander of the spaceship decides to send out The Alienator to execute Kol at all costs. Kol meets up with some teens and Ward Armstrong and together they all try not to get killed by the pursuing Woman of Death - The Alienator.

There’s a lot to love and a lot to hate about Alienator. What to love: The Alienator herself. Man is she HOT. And built. I would not want to mess with that woman. She’s sexy but in a non-slutty way…even though she barely wears any clothes in this movie. (At least the creators of this cyborg knew what they were doing.) The outback/hillbilly angle was hilarious. Casting P.J. Soles and that guy from Airwolf was fantastic. Space prison, etc. But there’s still a lot to hate. The pacing is a bit off. You know what, the pacing is actually pretty good. It’s just that I don’t CARE that much about what’s going on. Even the things that are bad aren’t that interesting to watch. It’s pretty…meh. And the gargling from the main bad guy’s collar…ugh. Quit it already. And the entire cast is pretty mindless and annoying…which happens with these kinds of movies.

Even with everything that's ACTUALLY bad with this movie, in the end…I would watch it again. (I did actually try to watch this THREE times. I just kept falling asleep. I haven’t figured out if it had to do with Alienator or my exhaustion. Or both.) But if I were to watch it again it’d have to be with a group of people. Preferably a bunch of guys drinking and ripping on this movie. That would be the most fun I would ever get out of Alienator.

Storywise…we start out on a space prison. This guy is going to be put to death. And the guy that is the executioner is really passionate about it. That is until this dude shows up. He has absolutely no purpose except to serve as a “GOTCHA” surprise twist ending. And it was stupid. And really hilarious. But anyway, the bad guy gets away. He ends up on Earth…

…where a group of teens out drinking and driving in their motorhome come across the bad guy. Who they protect for the rest of the movie because…there’s a badass cyborg bitch running around trying to kill him. In fairness…they don’t know he’s bad so I guess in their shoes I’d be more afraid of the bitch with the laser gun…but as a viewer…it was stupid. Anyway, they get chased through the woods for 30 minutes until the bad guy is finally revealed to be the bad guy and then is killed. The Alienator gives the group of teens a big ol’ bag of diamonds (WTF!!!???) and leaves Earth.

But not before murdering with guy with a laser hatchet. (probably)

Wow. Not much excitement about this movie coming from me is there? It’s because there really isn’t much to be excited about. It’s a bad movie. It almost borders the line of good-bad. But it just isn’t enough for me to love this movie.

But the hillbillies were awesome. Those guys, with their extremely short screen time, kicked ass. They should’ve survived and the kids should’ve died. I would be so pumped about this movie if that would’ve happened. First time we see them they're out in the woods shooting squirrels for dinner. HAHAHAHA You can afford bullets but not FOOD. Stupid rednecks.

And I also really loved the Alienator’s complete disrespect for sentient life. Her mission is to kill the bad guy but she doesn’t give a fuck…she’ll kill anything. It’s wonderful.

I’m not entirely sure if I’d recommend this. If you’re having a bad movie night with friends and are looking for something to rip on…watch Alienator. Or if you just love cheesy sci-fi movies…watch Alienator. Just don’t expect anything amazing. In the good or bad sense.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the eleventh of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Alienator

The resemblance is scary.

Strength: 10 (Robot assassin. Nuff Said.)

Speed: 3 (She's just a little faster than Jason Voorhees.)

Edurance: 10 (Robot. She can take the punishment for a loooooong time. Also my penis)

Agility: 5 (eh, kinda stiff. *insert dick joke*)

Offense: 10 (Powerhouse bitch. Lots o' lasers and hatchets.)

Defense: 3 (She just kinda stands there and takes it. That's how we like our women right fellas?)

Recovery: 8 (She's not down for very long but still long enough for people to get away.)

Bleeding: 1 (no blood, only win.)

Overall, Alienator rates an average: 6.25!!!! (WWWHHHOOOAAAA!!! The movie blows harder than asian hookers on wednesday but this bitch is going to the top! LOOK OUT! Alienator may be the fury of a woman scorned. Watch out fellas. It's Judgement Day!)