The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 2

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 2 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale will be taking on Quest for the Mighty Sword. Orca is clearly the better movie...but after seeing what Quest has up her sleeve in Round 1 this will make for a great match up. Next, it's TerrorVision vs Birdemic. This time Birdemic is the fan favorite. Does TV have what it takes to take down easily one of the best/worst movies ever made? After that, Panman returns to take on Alligator. Alligator and Panman are great movies and well paced so I can only assume that this battle will be no less. And last we see Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin takes it when it comes to watchability but can he avoid the Cyborg Stunner? We will see in ROUND 2 OF THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

**I would also like to note that from this point on, the only character I have control over is Alienator. I thought the game allowed the option for me to play as any character during any round. This is not the case. So for the most part what happens from this point on is all up to the computer.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs Quest for the Mighty Sword

FIGHT!

Quest meets Orca in the middle of the ring and they grapple. (THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING) Quest tries for a side suplex...but Orca is just too damn heavy. She limps away holding her back. Orca rushes towards her...BULLDOG! He just bulldogged her!! Something I've heard she's quite used to.

Quest gets up and...BIG PUNCH TO ORCA'S FACE! ORCA IS BLEEDING! There's a river of blood flowing from his face. This is insane. Actually...it looks like Orca has gone insane. He comes back at her with a quick punch...but Quest counters and punches him....but ORCA COUNTERS AGAIN AND....hits the big punch to the side of her face. Orca picks her off the matt, in the grapple...side suplex. Quest gets up...struts up to Orca....OOOOHHH!!!!! SHE JUST BITCH SLAPPED HIM!! HAHAHAHA

Orca does not seem happy about that. She rushes her and....CLOTHESLINE. He just knocked her head off!! That's gonna hurt in the morning. Quest is up, she's staggering....SPEAR! ORCA JUST SPEARED HER! If she were an ocean front town she would be ON FIRE right now. Orca has his special, Quest is staggering...HE HITS IT! He lands THE KILLER WHALE!

I think she's enjoying that a little too much.

Orca goes for the pin....1....kick out. WHAT? HOW DID SHE DO THAT!!! Orca is OUTRAGED! He throws her outside. His face is all business right now. He grabs her head, throws it between his legs....POWERBOMB! Powerbomb on the outside! He picks her up...NECKBREAKER! OH MY GOD! How can her head take any more punishment??? He jumps on her for the pin...1....2....3!!!!

Orca advances to Round 3!

MATCH 2: TerrorVision vs Birdemic

FIGHT!

 

These are both fan favorites but I'm thinking most people are rooting for Birdemic. He looked very good in try outs and here he comes. He throws a punch, TV retaliates with another punch. Punch Punch Punch. TV grabs Birdemic...Side suplex. TV picks him up...it looks like he's going to try it again...REVERSAL! Birdemic reverses with his own suplex. TV is down on the matt. He goes down for the pin....1 count.

TV gets up...gets ahold of Birdemic...side suplex. It would appear that this is TV's trademark move. He picks up Birdemic for what can only be ANOTHER side suplex but...BIRDEMIC REVERSES INTO AN ANKLE LOCK! Oh my god, he's going to snap his fucking ankle! TV is writhing in pain! It's horrible. He releases it and waits. TV gets to his feet...FLYING KNEE! Birdemic practically flew across the ring with his knee extended outward! OWN'D!

TV IS DOWN, Birdemic is on top of him delivering big punches. Birdemic gets TV up to his feet, throws him into the ropes....SPINNING DDT! Birdemic is just dominating this match up. He gets TV up to his feet, goes for a big headbutt and...TV REVERSES! BIG PUNCH TO THE FACE! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING!

TV comes back BIG. While Birdemic is staggering around clueless to what just happened, TV rushes behind him and BULLDOGS HIM right into the matt. TV picks him up, throws him into the ropes...SIDEWALK SLAM. He picks him up one more time...PILEDRIVER! Dear god no, what is TV doing? He's up on the top ropes...OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT BIRDEMIC. TV JUST FLEW FROM THE TOP ROPES FOR A... SOMERSAULT STUNNER!! 

OWN'D

1...2.....3!!!! It's all over! TV WINS THE UPSET! BIRDEMIC LOSES! BIRDEMIC LOSES!!!!!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 3!

MATCH 3: Alligator vs Panman

FIGHT!

Panman ain't takin any shit from Gator. He comes out swinging. Alligator stops him in his tracks...BIG PUNCH! OH SHIT! Panman is BLEEDING! PANMAN IS BLEEDING! Gator gets the grapple and Panman reverses...and kicks Gator right in the face. Alligator is up, he's in the ropes...he's back...Panman doesn't seem to be paying attention...OH!! RUNNING CLOTHESLINE!!! PANMAN IS DOWN! PANMAN IS DOWN!


Seizing this opportunity, Alligator busts out his ghettoblaster and places it in the corner. The following is played throughout the rest of the match:

WHY? Because Alligator is fucking badass, that's why!

OH SHIT! PANMAN JUST HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR! HAHAHAHA Stupid Gator. Shouldn't have been playing awesome music. Now he's got him up and....CHOKESLAM!! Panman just chokeslammed ALLIGATOR! Do you realize how fucking HEAVY HE IS??? He's driving him into the ground. He's stomping a mudhole in his ass! How can Gator be taking it!?


Alligator wipes his foot away. He's up! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? (you see...the alligator has a very tough outer skin capable of withstanding large amounts of ass whoopin. to truly defeat the alligator you must attack its underside or its mouth.)


Alligator whips Panman into the ropes. Panman......PANMAN DODGES THE CLOTHESLINE! HE'S INTO THE OTHER SET OF ROPES AND...SPINNING DDT!!! SPINNING DDT!!! Alligator is face down. Panman reaches down and scoops him up...AND OVER HIS HEAD! A MASSIVE GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT. You guys really should've bought tickets to this thing. That was amazing.


Alligator is staggering. Panman gets him in the grapple...he's lifting him onto his shoulders. AIRPLANE SPIN! OH FUCK HE'S DOING AN AIRPLANE SPIN!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!! AAAAANNNNDDDD....he spins him into something similar to a diamond cutter!! Panman rolls him over...picks him up....INVERTED DDT!

I really hope this is what happens in Panman 2: Panman vs A GIANT FUCKING ALLIGATOR.

He goes for the pin...1....2....3!!! OH MY GOD HE DID IT! NO SPECIAL! NO SPECIAL!!!!! Panman is so badass he beat him with normal moves. Amazing!!!!


Panman advances to Round 3!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin

FIGHT!

Alienator runs up and PUNCHES RUMP RIGHT IN THE FACE! HE'S BLEEDING! 3 SECONDS AND HE'S BLEEDING! RUMP IS UP AND....OH!! KICK TO ALIENATOR'S FACE!!! ALIENATOR IS BLEEDING!!! 9 SECONDS AND THE BLOOD IS RUNNING THICKER THAN THE MISSISSIPPI!!

6 seconds later...fucking WIN.

Rump...snap suplex to Alienator. Alienator...to the top rope. Rump runs up AND TOSSES HER OFF THE TOP ROPE! WHAT THE FUCK!!! HAHAHAHA That was awesome! Rump runs up and hits her with the DOMINATOR (I'll leave your imagination figure that one out)


Rump gets Alienator up on his shoulders...AND SPINNING NECKBREAKER! Jesus man, that's a woman, take it easy. OH SHIT! SHOULDER BREAKER! HOW MANY OTHER THINGS ARE THERE LEFT TO BREAK!!! Alienator retaliates...punch left, right, kick, grapple...she sends him to the corner. She rushes him...AND MISSES THE CLOTHESLINE! Oh fuck, her shoulder is really hurting now! Rump hits her with a big punch....SUPLEX! Rump is going to the top rope...oh dear god no...he wouldn't....FLYING LEG DROP!!! OH MY GOD!!! ALIENATOR IS BROKEN IN HALF!!! Rump picks her up, has her in his grasp...what is he going to do now? Somebody call the morgue and let them know they have incoming...Rump hits her with the SPINNING PILEDRIVER! OH DEAR GOD PIN HER ALREADY!!! 1....2....3! Rumpelstiltskin win! Thank god its all over, I'm gonna need a beer after watching that.


Rumpelstiltskin advances to Round 3! Panman...look out. You have a psycho on your hands.


Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality for ROUND 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Round 3 will see TWO EPIC MATCH UPS. First Orca: The Killer Whale takes on TerrorVision. A battle that will most assuredly end very badly for one of them. After what TerrorVision did to The Amazing Bulk and Birdemic, does Orca have what it takes to bring him down? And our second match...Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin. These two powerhouse wowed audiences during tryouts. Both were extremely impressive and highly underrated. They really need to see more action. But after the pummeling Rumpelstiltskin gave Alienator, can Panman survive the brutality long enough for the win?


Find out tomorrow in Round 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Quest for the Mighty Sword aka Troll 3 (1990) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

Quest for the Mighty Sword is…is…it’s pretty terrible. I was so looking forward to it but it’s just not what I wanted. Granted, I knew full well this was gonna blow. I think we all knew that. BUT it just wasn’t entirely full of “good/bad” moments. I guess I was looking for another Troll 2. Which happens to be connected to this movie. But I'll explain that later.

Sure, there were still a few memorable scenes. This movie isn’t a complete waste of time. Like there’s this scene where they’re on their way through this palace and these guards show up and Ator (that’s the lead character) and his sidekick are weaponless. Ator looks to his sidekick, smiles, and reaches out his left hand. And suddenly a wrist weapon appears OUT OF NOWHERE and he blows the guards away. That was probably my biggest WTF moment. There’s several but that one just made several of my brain cells commit suicide.

Here, take this line delivery for example.

Epic Win at 0:35

HAHAHAHA! WOW. That’s just awesome. But can you really watch 90 minutes of this? I did. If you really REALLY enjoy bad movies and watch them for their ultimate shittiness, Quest for the Mighty Sword is for you. But for everyone else…pass on it.

The story starts out with Ator’s dad…ironically played by the same actor as his son…Ator. So old Ator must do battle against a couple of rapists.

SOUND THE RAPE HORN!

Ator loses and dies. He gives his broken sword to be kept so that one day when young Ator grows up he may forge it back together and defeat the evil bad guys. And then...several years later Ator is all grown up and trying to find himself. He learns of the MIGHTY SWORD and decides to go on a QUEST for it. This lasts almost exactly 30 minutes. From the start of the movie. Ator’s ACTUAL quest probably only took 15-20 minutes. And WHERE does he find this MIGHTY SWORD you may ask? In his own. fucking. cave.

You could stop there. The quest is over. But why not press on? You've already wasted 30 minutes of your life. What's another 60?

He gets the sword and goes on a journey to rescue this chick that has been frozen in time since he was a baby. And also to find his mother. Who it turns out had sex with one of the Goblins from Troll 2. (Click that link, amazing Goblin make out scene) And ever since she had sex with said Goblin…she’s been a whore. For some reason she needs to keep boning guys to stay alive or something. I really didn’t care. Well Ator finds her…releases her from her curse…and she turns to dust. The End right?

Come along Robin! We still have 30 minutes of people's lives to waste.

WRONG. 30 minutes to go. Fuck, what do we do? Oh the time chick. She gets captured by a dude with horrible gonorrhea of the face who happens to have a statue fetish. He really fucking loves statues. And Goblins from Troll 2. So now it is up to Ator to save her. Ator uses his not-so-MIGHTY SWORD, his sidekick whoops ass with his boomerang of doom (that thing rules), and the day is saved finally ending the fourth and final Ator film.

Uhh....what?

Holy shit. There’s FOUR? Yes. And ironically…this one is actually titled: Ator III: The Hobgoblin. That’s THREE as in the NUMBER 3. The fourth film is the THIRD ATOR. WOW. Italian filmmakers are fucking awesome. You see…(I also detailed this out in the OTHER Troll 3 review I did)…The first 2 Ator films, Ator: The Invincible & Cave Dwellers (on Netflix Instant!), were done by Joe D’Amato. Then some other guy took over the third one…Iron Warrior. And it turns out Joe was so appalled with it that he refused to acknowledge its existence so he went out and made the “real” Ator 3 using some props from Troll 2, another film he had just wrapped up around the same time Quest for the Mighty Sword was made. Just you try and make sense of it.

So when all is said and done…eh. I’m sure I’ll own it just because its so terrible and I’ll need to have it. Because I need to own everything. But for now I’m content to leave it sit in my Netflix Instant Queue (for any of you that feel the need to test your endurance…have at it). I’m in no hurry to watch it again.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the twelfth AND FINAL of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Quest for the Mighty Sword.

So what if he's a woman. Did you see the picture up there?

He shows more skin than the women in this movie.

Strength: 3 (He looks built...but meh.)

Speed: 10 (He can run from place to place with the flick of a cut scene)

Edurance: 10 (He's ALWAYS RUNNING)

Agility: 5 (meh.)

Offense: 2 (sure he's got the big sword but he can't use it very well.)

Defense: 3 (He's always in trouble)

Recovery: 10 (but he always bounces back extremely fast)

Bleeding: 1 (PG-13 bullshit)

Overall, Quest for the Mighty Sword rates an average: 5.50 (impressive. I've picked him (her) to win and I'll stick by that. I think ignorance will get this one through)