The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 3

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 4 fighters battling it out in 2 Round 3 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale vs TerrorVision. After what these two powerhouses did in their last matches, this will be a rumble not to be missed. And finally, Panman goes up against Rumpelstiltskin. This is a match up only dreamed up by the bad movie gods. Both of them have equal parts action/comedy/and romance. These two definitely have a lot in common but not today. Today, only one of them gets to move onto the 4th and final round. Let's begin.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs TerrorVision

FIGHT!

Orca comes out strong, gets TV in the grapple, side suplex. TV is up on his feet...BIG SLAM! HOLY SHIT HE JUST LIFTED ORCA OFF THE GROUND! He's reaching down and around Orca....BIG GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!!! OH MY GOD, HOW IS HE DOING THIS? WITH ALL THAT WEIGHT THIS JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE! (He is out of this world you know)

TV is taking this outside the ring. ANOTHER BIG SLAM! ANOTHER GIANT GERMAN SUPLEX! HOLY FUCK! ORCA'S HEAD IS SPINNING! HIS EYES HAVE GLAZED OVER! SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR TO FIX THIS GUY'S EGO...TERRORVISION IS DOMINATING!!!

TV takes it back to the ring. He has Orca in a fireman's carry....SIDEWAYS DDT!! SPECIAL! TV HAS HIS SPECIAL!!! He's managed to get Orca up to his fins...grapple...HE HITS THE TRASH COMPACTOR!!

TerrorVision wastes NO TIME.

TV rolls him up for the pin and 1...2....3!!! HOLY SHIT HE GOT IT! ORCA...HE HAD NO CHANCE!! HE JUST GOT DESTROYED!! ORCA! ORCA! MY MONEY?? I LOST SO MUCH MONEY ON YOU!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 4! THE FINAL ROUND!

MATCH 2: Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin

FIGHT!

And now, I would like to announce your guest commentator for this evenings main event: MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooYYYYYEAAAHHHHH!!! Let's see what these Macho Man WANNA BEEEEEEEES can do.

Panman charges out of the gate. GET HIM! He grabs a hold of Rump and hits him with a quick suplex. They teach you to do these things in wrestling school as it quickly takes them down and out of the picture but THAT AIN'T HOW THE MACHO MAN PLAYS THE GAME. MACHO MAN WOULD'VE ELBOW DROPPED THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

oooooooooooooo YEAH!

Rump counters with a BIG KICK. Panman spins and counters with a knockdown. Rump is on his feet.

This is fucking boring. I need to get in there and whoop some ass.

(Mr. Gable) WOAH WOAH WOAH Not to worry folks. I called in the authorities to take out the Macho Man before he could interfere with this match up. Must have been all that coke he had earlier. Back to the match:

Panman lays out Rump with a shoulder breaker. Rump is rolling around screaming A LOT of profanities. Did he just say FUCKETH ME? HAHAHAHA HE DID!! Panman drags him to his feet, fireman's carry....SLAM on the matt. Rump is not looking too good.

Panman pulls him up and throws him into the corner. He charges....RUMP DODGES! PANMAN IS IN THE CORNER, HE TURNS AROUND!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RUMPELSTILTSKIN JUST GAVE HIM THE BIGGEST BITCH SLAP I'VE EVER SEEEEEEEEN!!!

Panman staggers forward, Rump gets a hold of him...KNEE BREAKER! OH SHIT I HEARD SOMETHING BREAK! Panman is up...he's limping. This isn't good. Panman gives Rump a couple of chest chops. Rump retaliates with his own brand of chest chops. Back and forth. OOOHHH That's gotta fuckin hurt. Panman punches Rump in the face, whips him into the ropes....SIDEWALK SLAM! He picks up Rump and....POWERBOMB!

OH NOOO!! Panman is down! Rump is down! Panman's leg gave out under him. Oh fuck! Rumpelstiltskin is up...he's got Panman.......PANMAN HAS HIS SPECIAL!!! OUT OF NOWHERE PANSLAM!!!! PANSLAM!!!!!

Panman rolls over on top of him....1.....2.....3!!!!!! PANMAN WINS IT! PANMAN WINS IT!!!!

Panman advances to Round 4! THE FINAL ROUND!

Well that certainly was exciting. TerrorVision had some kind of bloodlust towards Orca. He competely lost his shit. Orca barely was able to do anything. Poor bastard. And Rumpelstiltskin...he did everything he could do bring down the mighty Panman but in the end Panman found it within himself to bring him down. But I'm worried about that knee, will it be healed enough tomorrow to make it through TerrorVision?

Check back here TOMORROW for the FINAL ROUND in the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!!!

oooooooooooooooooooooooo YEAH!

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Round 2

Welcome one and all to the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Today we will see 8 fighters battling it out in 4 Round 2 matches. First up, Orca: The Killer Whale will be taking on Quest for the Mighty Sword. Orca is clearly the better movie...but after seeing what Quest has up her sleeve in Round 1 this will make for a great match up. Next, it's TerrorVision vs Birdemic. This time Birdemic is the fan favorite. Does TV have what it takes to take down easily one of the best/worst movies ever made? After that, Panman returns to take on Alligator. Alligator and Panman are great movies and well paced so I can only assume that this battle will be no less. And last we see Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin takes it when it comes to watchability but can he avoid the Cyborg Stunner? We will see in ROUND 2 OF THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

**I would also like to note that from this point on, the only character I have control over is Alienator. I thought the game allowed the option for me to play as any character during any round. This is not the case. So for the most part what happens from this point on is all up to the computer.

MATCH 1: Orca: The Killer Whale vs Quest for the Mighty Sword

FIGHT!

Quest meets Orca in the middle of the ring and they grapple. (THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING) Quest tries for a side suplex...but Orca is just too damn heavy. She limps away holding her back. Orca rushes towards her...BULLDOG! He just bulldogged her!! Something I've heard she's quite used to.

Quest gets up and...BIG PUNCH TO ORCA'S FACE! ORCA IS BLEEDING! There's a river of blood flowing from his face. This is insane. Actually...it looks like Orca has gone insane. He comes back at her with a quick punch...but Quest counters and punches him....but ORCA COUNTERS AGAIN AND....hits the big punch to the side of her face. Orca picks her off the matt, in the grapple...side suplex. Quest gets up...struts up to Orca....OOOOHHH!!!!! SHE JUST BITCH SLAPPED HIM!! HAHAHAHA

Orca does not seem happy about that. She rushes her and....CLOTHESLINE. He just knocked her head off!! That's gonna hurt in the morning. Quest is up, she's staggering....SPEAR! ORCA JUST SPEARED HER! If she were an ocean front town she would be ON FIRE right now. Orca has his special, Quest is staggering...HE HITS IT! He lands THE KILLER WHALE!

I think she's enjoying that a little too much.

Orca goes for the pin....1....kick out. WHAT? HOW DID SHE DO THAT!!! Orca is OUTRAGED! He throws her outside. His face is all business right now. He grabs her head, throws it between his legs....POWERBOMB! Powerbomb on the outside! He picks her up...NECKBREAKER! OH MY GOD! How can her head take any more punishment??? He jumps on her for the pin...1....2....3!!!!

Orca advances to Round 3!

MATCH 2: TerrorVision vs Birdemic

FIGHT!

 

These are both fan favorites but I'm thinking most people are rooting for Birdemic. He looked very good in try outs and here he comes. He throws a punch, TV retaliates with another punch. Punch Punch Punch. TV grabs Birdemic...Side suplex. TV picks him up...it looks like he's going to try it again...REVERSAL! Birdemic reverses with his own suplex. TV is down on the matt. He goes down for the pin....1 count.

TV gets up...gets ahold of Birdemic...side suplex. It would appear that this is TV's trademark move. He picks up Birdemic for what can only be ANOTHER side suplex but...BIRDEMIC REVERSES INTO AN ANKLE LOCK! Oh my god, he's going to snap his fucking ankle! TV is writhing in pain! It's horrible. He releases it and waits. TV gets to his feet...FLYING KNEE! Birdemic practically flew across the ring with his knee extended outward! OWN'D!

TV IS DOWN, Birdemic is on top of him delivering big punches. Birdemic gets TV up to his feet, throws him into the ropes....SPINNING DDT! Birdemic is just dominating this match up. He gets TV up to his feet, goes for a big headbutt and...TV REVERSES! BIG PUNCH TO THE FACE! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING! BIRDEMIC IS BLEEDING!

TV comes back BIG. While Birdemic is staggering around clueless to what just happened, TV rushes behind him and BULLDOGS HIM right into the matt. TV picks him up, throws him into the ropes...SIDEWALK SLAM. He picks him up one more time...PILEDRIVER! Dear god no, what is TV doing? He's up on the top ropes...OH MY GOD! HE'S GOT BIRDEMIC. TV JUST FLEW FROM THE TOP ROPES FOR A... SOMERSAULT STUNNER!! 

OWN'D

1...2.....3!!!! It's all over! TV WINS THE UPSET! BIRDEMIC LOSES! BIRDEMIC LOSES!!!!!!!!

TerrorVision advances to Round 3!

MATCH 3: Alligator vs Panman

FIGHT!

Panman ain't takin any shit from Gator. He comes out swinging. Alligator stops him in his tracks...BIG PUNCH! OH SHIT! Panman is BLEEDING! PANMAN IS BLEEDING! Gator gets the grapple and Panman reverses...and kicks Gator right in the face. Alligator is up, he's in the ropes...he's back...Panman doesn't seem to be paying attention...OH!! RUNNING CLOTHESLINE!!! PANMAN IS DOWN! PANMAN IS DOWN!


Seizing this opportunity, Alligator busts out his ghettoblaster and places it in the corner. The following is played throughout the rest of the match:

WHY? Because Alligator is fucking badass, that's why!

OH SHIT! PANMAN JUST HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR! HAHAHAHA Stupid Gator. Shouldn't have been playing awesome music. Now he's got him up and....CHOKESLAM!! Panman just chokeslammed ALLIGATOR! Do you realize how fucking HEAVY HE IS??? He's driving him into the ground. He's stomping a mudhole in his ass! How can Gator be taking it!?


Alligator wipes his foot away. He's up! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? (you see...the alligator has a very tough outer skin capable of withstanding large amounts of ass whoopin. to truly defeat the alligator you must attack its underside or its mouth.)


Alligator whips Panman into the ropes. Panman......PANMAN DODGES THE CLOTHESLINE! HE'S INTO THE OTHER SET OF ROPES AND...SPINNING DDT!!! SPINNING DDT!!! Alligator is face down. Panman reaches down and scoops him up...AND OVER HIS HEAD! A MASSIVE GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE MATT!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT. You guys really should've bought tickets to this thing. That was amazing.


Alligator is staggering. Panman gets him in the grapple...he's lifting him onto his shoulders. AIRPLANE SPIN! OH FUCK HE'S DOING AN AIRPLANE SPIN!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!! AAAAANNNNDDDD....he spins him into something similar to a diamond cutter!! Panman rolls him over...picks him up....INVERTED DDT!

I really hope this is what happens in Panman 2: Panman vs A GIANT FUCKING ALLIGATOR.

He goes for the pin...1....2....3!!! OH MY GOD HE DID IT! NO SPECIAL! NO SPECIAL!!!!! Panman is so badass he beat him with normal moves. Amazing!!!!


Panman advances to Round 3!

MATCH 4: Alienator vs Rumpelstiltskin

FIGHT!

Alienator runs up and PUNCHES RUMP RIGHT IN THE FACE! HE'S BLEEDING! 3 SECONDS AND HE'S BLEEDING! RUMP IS UP AND....OH!! KICK TO ALIENATOR'S FACE!!! ALIENATOR IS BLEEDING!!! 9 SECONDS AND THE BLOOD IS RUNNING THICKER THAN THE MISSISSIPPI!!

6 seconds later...fucking WIN.

Rump...snap suplex to Alienator. Alienator...to the top rope. Rump runs up AND TOSSES HER OFF THE TOP ROPE! WHAT THE FUCK!!! HAHAHAHA That was awesome! Rump runs up and hits her with the DOMINATOR (I'll leave your imagination figure that one out)


Rump gets Alienator up on his shoulders...AND SPINNING NECKBREAKER! Jesus man, that's a woman, take it easy. OH SHIT! SHOULDER BREAKER! HOW MANY OTHER THINGS ARE THERE LEFT TO BREAK!!! Alienator retaliates...punch left, right, kick, grapple...she sends him to the corner. She rushes him...AND MISSES THE CLOTHESLINE! Oh fuck, her shoulder is really hurting now! Rump hits her with a big punch....SUPLEX! Rump is going to the top rope...oh dear god no...he wouldn't....FLYING LEG DROP!!! OH MY GOD!!! ALIENATOR IS BROKEN IN HALF!!! Rump picks her up, has her in his grasp...what is he going to do now? Somebody call the morgue and let them know they have incoming...Rump hits her with the SPINNING PILEDRIVER! OH DEAR GOD PIN HER ALREADY!!! 1....2....3! Rumpelstiltskin win! Thank god its all over, I'm gonna need a beer after watching that.


Rumpelstiltskin advances to Round 3! Panman...look out. You have a psycho on your hands.


Keep it here at Mr. Gable's Reality for ROUND 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! Round 3 will see TWO EPIC MATCH UPS. First Orca: The Killer Whale takes on TerrorVision. A battle that will most assuredly end very badly for one of them. After what TerrorVision did to The Amazing Bulk and Birdemic, does Orca have what it takes to bring him down? And our second match...Panman vs Rumpelstiltskin. These two powerhouse wowed audiences during tryouts. Both were extremely impressive and highly underrated. They really need to see more action. But after the pummeling Rumpelstiltskin gave Alienator, can Panman survive the brutality long enough for the win?


Find out tomorrow in Round 3 of the BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rumpelstiltskin (1995) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

What can I possibly say about Rumpelstiltskin that isn’t already explained in this 3 minute clip?

Epic line at 1:55

HAHAHAHA…Fucketh Me!....HAHAHAHAHA I seriously had to rewind that part 3 times. First, to confirm that I heard what I had actually heard. Second, because I was laughing to hard that I just needed it one more time. And Third, because…it was just that epic that it deserved a fourth viewing.

Oh this movie is awesome. Any reservations that I had for this movie ended almost immediately. Just staring at the cover art displayed from Netflix Instant Watch made me uneasy. There wasn’t anything particularly appealing about it. (It's not the same as the art above, on Netflix it's just Rumpelstiltskin laughing with a black background and the title of the movie at the bottom....meh) All I knew was that the guy that played Rom on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine starred as Rumpelstiltskin in this movie. So I figured, what the hell? I can always turn it off. But then I saw the opening scene, a bit cheesy but still fairly cool. But it was when I viewed the title screen that I knew this was going to kick ass.

Ah fuck yes. Look at those claws! This movie RULES!

So we start out in the olden days with Uncle Rumpie running around stealing babies. Some old witch curses him into a shitty little statue which is thrown into the sea. Then we fast forward to present day Los Angeles. (That made me snicker a little bit. That transition seems a bit drastic does it not?) We meet our leading lady…and she’s pregnant. She’s talking to her husband on the phone when all of a sudden he is awesomely…uh…I mean brutally, murdered.

Next we move ahead a few months, she’s had the kid and goes with her friend to an antique shop…where she finds the statue. How it got there is anybody’s guess. Somebody found it in the ocean…but you know, doesn’t fucking matter. It is but one of many amazing unexplained vehicles that drive this movie. And I love it. So of course, she unleashes Rumpelstiltskin and many, many, many amazing things happen.

This picture is many times more awesome then I ever will be. 

I’m doing my best not to give it all away. There really is so much more to love. The one-liners that shoot out of Rumpelstiltskin’s mouth at a machine gun pace are simply something that needs to be heard. “Fucketh Me” is just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention that Rumpelstiltskin is immortal and therefore can be tossed around, stabbed, run over by a car, and beaten without so much as a bruise appearing anywhere on his body. That is where the real fun is at. Watching these things happen and then how he casually shrugs them off and sets his sights back on the prize. Oh how I love it.

So please, watch it while it’s on Netflix Instant. They don't even have a DVD to rent so you can only see it on Instant Watch. And then when your done there try to track down a copy. I don’t know how plentiful they are but I can’t imagine this world being full of Rumpelstiltskin copies floating around. But all I know is if I run across one…I’m buying it. No question.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the tenth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Rumpelstiltskin

Master of the Martial Arts.

Strength: 3 (not all that strong if I recall correctly)
Speed: 5 (eh, he mostly runs around like Quasimoto)
Edurance: 10 (he can take anything that's dished to him. Immortality bitches)
Agility: 10 (The immortality plays into this too.)
Offense: 4 (He's got more bark then bite. And by bark I mean amazing one-liners.)
Defense: 2 (He never tries to block anything. And because of that I gave him an extra point for bravery)
Recovery: 9 (He bounces back quickly. Unless he's in a stone...then he's fucked.)
Bleeding: 2 (I don't really remember him bleeding all that much...)

Overall, Rumpelstiltskin rates an average: 5.63 (Wow. That's kind of impressive actually. Who knew? I'm still a little concerned about his actual fighting ability. He's really awesome but in a fight I just don't know if he can handle himself. But he can take a lot of abuse so it'll be interesting to see how he fares in the long run.)