DOOM'D Review: Yor: The Hunter From the Future (1983)

The word "MANLY" as described by the internet:

• A description of someone or something that is very masculine or awesome, such as eating jerky for two months straight.
• A true man, who eats nothing but bacon, he must be buff, and eat bacon, he must think like a true man, by eating bacon, and above all he must act like a man, so eat more bacon!
• A word used to describe something great.
• Yor: The Hunter From the Future.

This movie is the manliest thing to happen to man since the first (and unfortunately last) day it rained titties from the sky. Nipples abound, it was. Ever since then, man has only had meat and Chuck Norris to confide in. That is until...Yor: The Hunter from the Future came along. Behold, the manliest song ever written:

Men, all you need to do is put this song on your iPod. Go to a club, plug it into the speakers and hit play. You'll be drowning in pussy by the second YOR'S WORLD! HE'S THE MAN! (If you're a woman and reading this, your welcome for the vast amount of amazing sex you are about to have. Your body is no doubt convulsing and getting extremely moist. Find a man quickly. You must copulate. If you do not, your body may explode....because it's Yor's World. And he's the man.)

If you haven't guessed it, YOR: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is the single greatest piece of cinema to escape 1983. Perhaps even the entirety of cinema itself. Sure, there are several hundred others that are amazing in and of themselves but where will you find a man that single handedly causes genocide to every species he comes across? Here is a diagram to show you the amount of ass Yor kicks during the entire 80 minute running time.

The story, if you must know, is just as fantastically absurd as you think it is. I have to think that if I were living in 1983 and writing this movie it'd be something like this. I'd write the opening: OPEN: YOR RUNNING TO EPIC YOR MUSIC, INCREASE POPULATION WORLDWIDE BY 34%. Then I'd write the opening scene: YOR KILLS DINOSAUR.

I am fucking awesome.

Then I'd write some pointless dialogue and fit in a quick plot point about Yor having no recollection of his past, just a pendent around his neck. (which will cleverly come in later he he he he) Oops, 2 pages and no action, I better write something in: PURPLE FACED MONKEY GUYS ATTACK. WOMAN CAPTURED, YOR MUST GET HER BACK. How you may ask? The manliest way possible:

By killing a giant bat, using it as a hang glider, swooping down and killing EVERYONE. Then I would do the next most manlogic thing I could do: Put Yor into a love triangle. Oh yeah, Yor's too much man for one woman. Shit, it's been too long since the action again, now it's time for: YOR FIGHTS MUMMIES WITH A FLAMING SWORD. Then it's at this point that my boss would come in and tell me that this thing is too similar to Conan and the hoard of other barbarian movies that came out at that time. I'll tell him to give me a "coupla hours", I've got some ideas. (And all of them stem from the fact that I just finished watching Empire Strikes Back) So I come back to him with the "twist". Next scene: YOR FIGHTS ROBOTS. Robots with fucking lasers, and they look like Darth Vader.

Now, I want you to take a moment to reflect on that twist. Yor is fighting robots. Yor: THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE is fighting robots. At first its all prehistoric and there's dinosaurs and cavemen and then BAM! Fucking robots. After reading the title, the tagline, seeing the trailer, and looking at the cover art, the twist is just something you don't see coming.

Like I said. This movie is manly.

Alright, so we gotta end this thing right? How...how do we end it? Let's have a "Dark Overlord" guy that really looks like the Emperor. Let's have Yor do some more manly things, like shoot lasers, hit people with rocks, and then restart civilization itself. End with some narration about Yor kicking ass and he flies off into the sunset in a stolen space ship.

THAT'S THE SWEATIEST, BUFFIEST, BACONIST, MOSTLY MUSCLE RIPPENINGLY MANLY MOVIE EVER MADE. Ever.

I dare you to try and resist it.

Few things before I leave you:

• The Spoony Experiment did a very long and very awesome video review for Yor: The Hunter From the Future. I highly suggest you take the time to watch it. It covers all of this and so much more.
• The video release for Yor is actually a cut down version of a 4 HOUR MINISERIES that aired in Italy. The only place I have ever been able to find a copy of it is on iOffer. It's $30 so I haven't gotten around to buying it myself...but I really really want to.
• The soundtrack was finally restored last year and is available for purchase again. It was lost forever but now you can own this amazingness. Available on Amazon from BSX Records, a label that apparently is reviving old soundtracks. I suggest you check it out.
• Yor had pretty much disappeared forever. The only way to get a copy was to torrent it or pay a ridiculous amount for the VHS. Now, Warner Bros. has released a bare bones "made to order" DVD-R copy you can buy now. You can get it from their website or on Amazon. (Cheaper on Amazon)
• Reb Brown is awesome.
• Finally, I know this really isn't a review as much as it is a retelling of this movie. There really is no way to review this movie beyond the word, "Awesome". This movie sells itself. The poster, the title, Reb Brown, the insane story, everything. There is no reviewing it, there is only experiencing it.

Wait one damn minute. These poster ripoffs are getting out of hand!

The other day I just brought up the same image that showed up in the movie Roadkill and Absentia. Now I find THIS!

Now, forget the face. The face is obviously different. But look at the hands and hair and compare them to these:

The bad horror movie poster creator plot thickens...

First trailer for Full Moon's newest: THE DEAD WANT WOMEN!

Oh yeah, that's Eric Roberts BABY!

Synopsis:

Beginning at a stylish mansion in the roaring 1920's, a socialite, flappers, and the men who love them come to their ultimate demise. These ghosts continue to haunt the mansion throughout the decade. Now they've come back to haunt and chase after a new generation of beautiful girls. The Dead Want Women!

Trailer:

Wait a minute, this is Full Moon right? If I didn't know better I would think that this was some kind of "effort". Hey, I'm all about the puppets, and evil bongs, and more puppets, and just utter insanity from the outer reaches of space but this...this looks like something that might be a whole lot of awesome.

This looks like its going back to Full Moon's roots. It looks like it's going to try to be a little scary but witty at the same time. It's got a cool title, Eric Roberts, a pretty standard plot with a fairly interesting backstory built in, lots of nudity (there has to be, there was some in the behind the scenes video they put out awhile ago) and the trailer is telling me that we're in for something different from Full Moon.

Dear god. I think they've devolved themselves to evolve themselves. Go Full Moon Go!

The Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon is coming back this Saturday! Join us for all the comic mayhem!

It's been a few months since me and my fellow Bad Netflix'ers got together and ripped on a movie but this Saturday we're coming BACK! Join us on Twitter (or however you wish to rip on these movies) and be sure to use the hashtag #badnetflix.

All the greatness starts at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p! We also have a poll running to decide the third feature during the marathon so go over to the Bad Netflix Crew HQ homepage to vote! You can also view the itinerary and details on all the movies for the marathon.

You can't fool me people who makes bad horror movie posters! I caught you!

Twas last July when I had a post about the movie Roadkill. A new Maneater movie. I have since watched that movie and added it to the pile of made for SyFy movies I love. In the opening paragraph I complained that I had seen parts of the poster before. I had skimmed past it somewhere in my travels and today...I found it.

HAHA! I KNEW IT! That's the same chick in both of them. Sure, there's a little photoshop magic at work here with different clothes and blood but that's definitely the same chick.

But my mind is still not at ease. I'm almost certain Absentia is NOT the movie I was thinking about that had this chick on the cover. The reason I think this is because Absentia came out on DVD yesterday. So there's a very real possibility that these 2 are not the only covers to feature this struggling beauty.

Poor girl, she's been attacked by giant vultures and shadowy smoke people, LEAVE HER ALONE BAD HORROR MOVIES! LEAVE HER ALONE!

DOOM'D Review: El Monstro Del Mar! (2012)

Before I get started, let's check out the trailer quick.

Going into El Monstro Del Mar I had a few expectations. After first seeing the trailer and checking out the poster I had a very good feeling about this movie. Retro look, crazy old man, gang of psychotic women, a giant monster, what appeared to be all practical effects, and a chick with a shotgun. It looked like it would be gearing itself up as a 70s exploitation flick and then turn into a monster movie. Something along the lines of From Dusk til Dawn.

The thing is...it does all of that. It has everything in the previous paragraph. The story even progresses like that of From Dusk til Dawn but it still manages to...I hate to say it...disappoint. Maybe I had my expectations a little too high but this movie just didn't quite make the cut for me.

Here's why. So just imagine From Dusk til Dawn except its 3 crazy chicks and instead of vampires its the Kraken. The opening scene is FANTASTIC. It shows the girls' first murder of the movie. They bait, they switch, they slit throats. The thing that makes it so cool is that it's all in black and white...but the second blood hits the screen its ALL color. I thought that was not only really cool but added to the whole retro feel they're going for. Then they go to a nearby harbor to rest up for their next adventure. And here's is where the movie just hits a wall for 30 minutes. NOTHING interesting happens. In From Dusk til Dawn there's some tension when they hit the US/Mexico border and it has well written dialogue to move it along until its grand finale, this movie just has chicks drinking...and NOT getting naked. WWWHHHAAATTT??? Alright...so you can't afford nudity. That's ok. But I really feel with a movie like this one that's trying to have a big exploitation aspect to it, there's gotta be nudity. Somewhere. Anywhere. But whatever, that's ok. I can look past it. But there just isn't anything to care about in that 30 minutes. It just lost me. Now, if they would've spiced it up with the police hot on their tail for killing those dudes in the opening scene...THAT would've been worth it. Instead the movie builds up the legend of a monster from the sea that kills people in the town...and the whole time you're thinking, "If there's a giant monster eating your town WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" And they tell the story like 3 times! (Alright already, I get it, giant monster. I'm going to get drunk now) But I guess it hasn't happened in a long time so whatever. Then in the last 15 minutes or so the monster shows up and kills everyone. FINALLY, this movie picks up. And I have nothing bad to say about the way this movie ends. The monster is cool, a giant Kraken with mouths on the ends of its tentacles. They rip and cut and tear heads off and bite and all kinds of cool stuff. The girls are trapped in their house when it attacks so they have to fight it off and they use all kinds of weapons: chainsaws, knives, whatever. It's all very cool and very exciting.

And why it works for me is because it's all practical effects. I have a huge appreciation for any movie that will take the time to build a working monster for their movie. They didn't skimp out on the giant monster either, they built a model and stuck with it. That is why even after all negative things I've said, I'd highly recommend this movie. The last 15 minutes is just awesome. It's like the first hour didn't happen. And I don't even care. And when a movie's only about 10 minutes over an hour, it's not a huge pain to sit through.

I guess you can view this movie as one giant build up. Here I am telling you there's a huge payoff at the end. All the stuff you are going to sit through will be gratuitiously rewarded by the end credits. (and what you're sitting through won't kill you either) If you look at it that way, then I think you'll enjoy this movie more than I did. I'm going to watch it again and I'm positive I'm going to like it more the second time. I understand this isn't a movie about exploitation so much as it exploits exploitation to carry it to it's finale. (Does that even make sense?)

El Monstro Del Mar, I say watch it. The chicks are pretty hot, they get into bikini's at one point. The monster is really fucking cool. The gore is good. The soundtrack is pretty awesome, all old school. The movie has a unique look to it. And when it comes down to it, these kinds of movies aren't very plentiful these days...so I say let's all get around it and support it. This is the director/writer's first full feature movie and for a total noob...he does a surprisingly decent job. I would love to see what else he can do. He's got the beginning and ending down pat, now he just has to work on the middle.

You can find El Monstro Del Mar on Amazon. 

DOOM'D News: The Tooth Fairy 2. Starring Larry the Cable Guy

I wasn't going to make a big deal out of this until I realized that this is but another sign of our inevitable demise on 12/21/2012. We're all doomed.

Get your shotguns ready, this hits DVD TOMORROW.

Here's the second batch of combatants in the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

Welcome. Over the past few weeks I've been reviewing some films. Some of them were geared towards the DOOM'D Reviews I promised for this year and others were just plain old amazing Bad Movie Reviews. But out of the reviews that I've done so far, 4 of them stand out as contenders for supreme champion of the Bad Movie Battle Royale. They've earned a spot in my heart and a spot on the board. So, without further delay, here are your second batch of contestants in the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012!

FEATHERWEIGHT DIVISION

The Martian Pilot. From the movie Spaced Invaders. He's lude, he's crude, and he's one bad ass mother from the Red Planet. For having such a large cranium he sure is a whole lot of stupid. But where he lacks in brains he makes up for in intuition, instinct, and skill. He may not understand books or school but he can put together a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster without a manual. His main offenses and defenses lie within his body. He's small and can easily run away from bigger, slower opponents.

Finishing Move: The "When I say whoa, I mean WHOA!"

WOMEN'S DIVISION

Tammy! From the movie Tammy and the T-Rex. She might not look like much, just another slutty teenager dancing around in lingerie for a brain sitting in a jar BUT she's much more than all of that. It all comes down to this fact: She had sex with a Tyrannosaurus Rex. That kind of endurance and strength is astounding. Tammy's main offense and defense comes from her body...offensively her body is nice to look at and will be a distraction to other fighters. Defensively: Her bod can take abuse...and I think that's the way she likes it.

Finishing Move: The Rex Sex

HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION

The Robot. From the movie Robowar. Robowar is one tough cookie. He's a cyborg. He has barely any emotion. If he is beaten down enough his human side may begin to show through but for the most part its all robot. Whoever his opponent is will need to be smart and on the move, because Robowar is always on the offensive. Never resting. Never stopping. Until someone is dead.

Finishing move: The BAM. (Bad Ass Motherfucker)

SUPER HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION

The T-Rex. From the movie Tammy and the T-Rex. In an unprecedented move here at Mr. Gable's Reality, we've allowed TWO combatants out of one movie. The movie was so bad and so awesome, and had a title that pronounced TWO combatants in it's title (Tammy AND the T-Rex), so after much contemplation it was decided that they BOTH will be allowed in the Royale. Does that give the movie an edge? A bit. Does it also give the possibility that Tammy will have to fight her lover, the T-Rex, in the Iron Circle? YES. And that's why they are both in the Royale.

The T-Rex is another tough cookie. Not only is he a T-Rex but he's a robotic T-Rex. He has the mind of a jocky high school student so that will be his biggest disadvantage. He's easy to outsmart and outrun but his stamina and strength are no match for no man.

Finishing move: The Big and Rexy.

There you have it! The second batch of contenders in The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012: It's Bigger, Better, and Badder! It may be only the second batch but things are already starting to get interesting. We have two lovers, two robots, the possibilities are almost endless...and there's still EIGHT MORE to be announced! Until then, From the domed roof of Gablestadium, I'm Mr. Gable and this is...THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! We'll see you soon for the next round of combatants...