BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Amazing Bulk [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I have just witnessed The Amazing Bulk and its pretty safe to say that I too...have an Amazing Bulk right now.

Wow what an amazing movie...and it was something completely different than what I thought it'd be. If you haven't yet, check out the trailer here and then come back to this review. You'll understand just what the hell it is that I'm talking about.

I was all geared up for a balls out crazy, terrible CGI (on purpose), awful acting, terrible direction, shitfest. And not only did I get all that...but I got so so much more. I figured out in the first 30 seconds just what this movie is ACTUALLY about. You see, the first 30 seconds are rips of various big name production companies. So there's a ripoff Universal logo, Paramount, Fox, etc. Each of them hilarious. And then it dawned on me...perhaps this isn't just a dumb ripoff. Maybe there's some kind of context to it. Maybe...just maybe...this movie is actually a jab in the face of every OTHER comic book movie these days.

With the exception of Roger Corman's unreleased Fantastic Four of course.

You know what I mean, these 200 billion dollar budget CGI-fests that run around claiming to be amazing. (Which most of them actually are) Maybe this movie is just a social commentary on the state of our films these days. The heart of it all is lost on these kinds of films. Realism is dead. (Real meaning something tangible with the ability to see it and touch it.) This movie just show how RIDICULOUS it all really is when you strip it all down. Just one long fake movie.

Then it turns out that's exactly what it is because I had the opportunity to talk to the director/writer/editor, Lewis Schoenbrun.

Helluva nice guy lemme tell ya. I'm not trying to kiss ass or anything but after he told me that this movie was about spoofing comic book movies then this movie made a little more sense. At first I was all gung ho about the fucking great use of MS Paint...but then that picture became a little clearer for me. And I enjoyed every god damn minute of it.

Lewis, if you're reading this, I didn't upload this video. I just found it on YouTube.

Fuck yeah, did you see that big purple dude! HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT! That's how you make a movie friends. And I'm pretty sure that was the bald detective from earlier in the movie painted purple. HAHAHA That's so awesome. I'm telling everybody about this movie! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!

With a running time of around an 1:15, it makes for a lot of fanstaticness in one quick shot. You'd think that the whole green screen thing would get old pretty quickly but it doesn't. The background isn't half bad most of the time. It's just epic when they get in cars and stuff and it looks like it was designed using MS Paint. Dammit all if I didn't cry laughing. Then there's glorious stock footage of rockets exploding all over the world, purple paints hulk fists, and the required amount of black guys in a bad movie: 1. OH MY YES!!

The ending. Oh my the ending. Once you've accepted the whole, "this movie is a spoof of big budget movies" thing...the ending makes complete sense. But if you're just watching it for the sake of watching it, then you'd swear that you're high.

If I had to be critical of anything...and I hate to be critical (what kind of reviewer would I be if I wasn't?), I would have shortened the whole blowing up of things with the rockets. It's like a solid 5 minutes of stock footage of rockets launching and flying...then the whole scene with the rockets that seemed to be dancing to the music. That was funny...just too long.

Also, I would definitely definitely add a Wilhelm Scream in there. Personally, I think when that dude is crushed by the boulder in the castle. A Wilhelm Scream right there would have made this movie all that much more memorable. You just can't beat a well placed Wilhelm Scream.

And where's the post credit scene? All comic book movies have something for the nerds to geek out over. Perhaps the bad guy lives...or a foreshadowing of another badass superhero. Perhaps a female spider-man?

All in all, this is worth it folks. Its not available on DVD and I have no idea when it will but I'll be sure to let you know when it is. Currently, this movie is looking for distribution. So if you're in that kind of business and are looking to make some money with this movie get in contact with Lewis Schoenbrun and buy his movie. It's AWESOME. And I'm sure for the rest of you if you need to see this as bad as I did and you contact Mr. Schoenbrun, he'd be more than happy to sell you a copy. Actually, you SHOULD contact him and buy many copies of this movie from him. Just so I can get a sequel.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my post from the other day or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 10 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the first of the ten. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: The Amazing Bulk

Yep, that shirt says Big Nasty Bastard. And that's a thong. XD

Strength: 10 (He's big, he's huge. He will KILL YOU)
Speed: 1 (He's big, he's huge. He's slow as fuck)
Endurance: 10 (I'm certain he can take a beating)
Agility: 3 (He's built like a brick shithouse folks, that's his strength and his weakness. Not very agile)
Offensive: 5 (I say 5 because he's slow to attack so he's open to attack but when he connects, it's brutal)
Defense: 5 (I'd say more but he just ran away most times)
Recovery: 8 (Big purple dude comes back fast)
Bleeding: 3 (I would give him a 1 but he clearly bled during the opening scene of the movie so I say 3)

Overall, The Amazing Bulk rates an average: 5.63

That's kind of a let down. I thought he'd have done better than that. But the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I still have faith in the big purple dude. Ain't nothin can stop the Atomic Smash!

NOTHING!

The Last Lovecraft: My New Favorite Movie.

Oh my god, everyone...this is it. Everything that has ever been has all been leading up to this. The Last Lovecraft. A group of guys go out on an adventure against creatures invented by H.P. Lovecraft.

Fuck. Yes. Win.



That is just so amazing. I need to own this movie. Wow.

The synopsis:

Jeff, a down on his luck office worker finds out he is the last living relative of horror novelist H.P. Lovecraft. What he doesn't know is that Lovecraft's monsters are real and will soon threaten the very existence of mankind. Jeff and his best friend Charlie are forced to embark on a perilous adventure and they enlist the help of high school acquaintance, Paul, a self proclaimed Lovecraft specialist. Together the three unlikely heroes must protect an alien relic and prevent the release of an acient evil, known as Cthulhu.

Cthulhu is the bad guy people. There is nothing more epic than that. This hits DVD February 15. (So says Amazon) No clue as to when Netflix will get it. But I think I'm gonna have to buy this movie. I appreciate the use of practical effects...and it looks like this movie is full of it. Plus it's kind of like a new Shaun of the Dead...and I'm ok with that.

Check out the official website for more information.

Mr. Gable's Bad Movie Battle Royale 2011

This is something I promised I'd do heading into 2011 and here it is: Mr. Gable's Bad Movie Battle Royale!

What's going to happen is over the course of the next couple weeks I'm going to watch 10 movies. Each of them hand picked by me. (obviously) Each of them is special in their own way. Once I've watched them I'll do the customary Bad Movie Review but I'll also include some wrestling stats with that. Strength, Agility, Recovery, Special Move, etc.

Once I've laid the ground work, the fun begins. I'm gonna take this way back...back to the Nintendo 64 and a little game called WWF: No Mercy. There I will create wrestlers based off the movies and pit them against each other in a King of the Ring style match up. The 2 best movies of the bunch will be rewarded with a 1st round bye. While the other 8 shittier movies must earn their keep.

Once that's done, I'll hit play and watch the chaos ensue.

Let's meet the contenders:

1. The Amazing Bulk - I just can't let this movie go. And I received an advanced copy. WIN.
2. Future-Kill - FINALLY found a copy on VHS. Watching this.
3. Quest for the Mighty Sword - 1.6 rating on IMDb. I can do this.
4. TerrorVision - Charles Band classic I have no doubt
5. Alligator - Alcohol Paul was nice enough to borrow this to me.
6. Star Crystal - I watched 15 minutes of this drunk 4 years ago and passed out. It's time to try again.
7. R.O.T.O.R. - Oh Netflix Instant, how I love you.
8. She - Babes. Good enough for me.
9. Rumpelstiltskin - What's that? Stars Rom from DS9? Fuck yeah.
10. Alienator - Looking forward to this Fred Olen Ray classic.

So who's your money on? I'm thinking Quest for the Mighty Sword is going all the way. It's so bad the other contenders will just take the 3 count so they don't have to spend any more time then is necessary being around it.

Whoever wins...We lose.

Spend Valentine's Day with...The Taint.

This one goes out to all the ladies out there. The Taint is waiting for you...

I actually watched this movie a couple weeks ago...and for the sake of a review I will hold all my thoughts about this (FUCKING AWESOME) movie to myself.

But let it be known, there is no shortage of dick in this movie. None of it is very pleasant...all of it is hysterical. Many of them explode.

FROM THE BACK OF THE DVD!

The Taint is an intellectual experience. It is a violent and misogynistic film about violence, misogyny, and entertainment. It features sadistic violence, gratuitous sexual content, and scenes of spellbinding dramatic interest. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever. It's the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film done in the style of an 80's horror-comedy.

Ok, go ahead and pick up your jaw off the floor. This movie is for real. This happened. Now for the most important part of this post. This trailer:


The Taint Trailer (NSFW) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.


HOLY SHIT! That trailer never stops winning. NEVER.


It is available for purchase as we speak. Click the link above (or this one) to go to the official Taint website. You can see gruesomely awesome pictures from the movie as well as BUY this movie. And buy it you should because...the DVD is only $10. How can you beat that? Oh I know...you can download it for $5 (or $10 for an HD copy). What are you waiting for!?


Go there now, buy several copies. You know you want to. I did. Hell, there's even a soundtrack! Support independent film and buy some shit from this movie. It's films like this that give hope that maybe, just maybe, all films aren't all completely censored by some stupid fucking committee. I know what I want to see...and that trailer holds nothing back.


I can honestly say that this film delivers on everything it promises.


And to celebrate this movie AND the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday, I have a little present for all you out there. Guys and Girls. Introducing, live from Mr. Gable's MS Paint Department of Art, The Taint Valentine's Day Card!!

FRONT

BACK

Yes, friends! Download these, print them out. Print some out for your friends. Give them to your date for the evening. Bask in their shock as they are first introduced to The Taint. And wait, as they flip it over and read the back. Now this is the important part...


Hand them a pen and ask them to mark yes or no. If they mark yes, continue the date because this person RULES and it'll be worth it. Because you know, not only are they willing to watch THE TAINT, but they're probably willing to do just about anything. ANYTHING.


But if they answer No. Fuck 'em. Not worth it. Go home and jerk it to internet porn. (While watching The Taint)

The Amazing Bulk Poster!

We just can't get enough of that purple bastard around here can we? He's like the annoying cousin that comes over to your family parties and never leaves. But for one reason or another you're ok with that because they're really fun to drink with and your significant other is out of town.

LET'S PARTY!

Click on it to see a much larger picture of it. I honestly think this guy could take Dr. Manhattan in a fight. Am I right?

A special thanks to the director, Lewis Schoenbrun. He actually tracked me down and emailed me the poster. And it was just a few hours after I posted the damn thing. How cool is that? I wish I would have seen it earlier but it went into the junk folder in my email for some reason...

...god I really wish I could make some joke about this movie being so awful that emails from anyone related to this film go directly into the junk folder...

...but I won't. We hold a sense of respect and honor for movies around here. (audience: FUCK YEAH MR. GABLE!) This movie is gonna be fucking INSANE. We all know it. You saw the trailer. There is nothing else like it. I can't wait. If my eyes had digestive systems, their stomachs would be rumbling right now. They're hungry for Bulk.

Hungry.

Mr. Gable's News and Updates!

Mr. Gable's Reality is spreading like a virus. It is possible that it could take over the world in approximately 67 years (if I stick to it long enough). YOU JUST CAN'T STOP IT!

But Bruce Campbell can...

That being said, big changes are happening here at MGR, all of them bigger and better than the last. First off...I've stooped to the lowest common denominator. It is with great displeasure and for your convenience that I announce that Mr. Gable...

...is on Facebook and Twitter.

I feel dirty. Like some kind of bad movie WHORE.

Click one of the above buttons to be directed to Mr. Gable's Reality elsewhere on the interwebs and by all means follow me. And tell your friends to follow me. It's gonna be better than the impending zombie apocalypse. And if you follow me...I'll tell you everything you need to know to survive.

(Stupid cattle, they'll follow me and while they're being eaten it'll give me a chance to get away MuWahaha)

Ooops...did I just say that. I didn't mean it, I swear. (suckers)

MOVING ON!

I am currently registered as an official writer (NOT Sex Offender) for ANOTHER blog. A very very sweet blog.

8-Bit Reviews. The greatest damn video game (and video game related) reviews from then and now you'll find anywhere else. It just got started so give it some time...it's picking up speed (and writers) very quickly.

It'll be great for me to step back and put my thoughts into something else every once in a while. Of course they'll probably be "bad" related...like my first post over there. I undertook the task to checking out Jaws on the NES. What a horrible horrible game. Please download it and play it. DRUNK. It's awesome.

AND FINALLY, THE TOPPING ON THE CAKE...

Introducing...for your bad movie review pleasure...

The Bad-o-meter 1.0. Bask in its pixelated glory.

I've always wanted to do a rating system with the reviews that I write and I also wanted something original and unique to me....so I invented the Bad-o-meter. A shitty little tool that will gauge the awesome badolity of movies.

Notice the Mr. GR stamped into each gauge. That's in case you try and fucking steal it I can....do nothing. But I'll tell everyone you stole it and they'll all glower at you angrily.

BUT LOOK OUT! Don't let the Bad-o-meter deceive you. This particular gauge runs on a rating of 0-5. NOT that pussy 1-5. I watch bad movies...and I review bad movies...therefore logic demands there be a ZERO. Because we all know that Batman and Robin doesn't deserve anything above a zero. So if I watch a movie so painful I'd rather rip out my eyes and never view anything upon this Earth again...you'll see the dreaded Red Gauge...OF DOOM!

Reading reviews with the Red Gauge of Doom is nearly as cancerous as the movie itself.

So there you have it folks. I have a great feeling about this year. It's already chock full of great bad movie news, great things are happening...

...and I've already received a couple screener copies of movies. 2011 is fucking AWESOME.

The Amazing Bulk: BULK SMASH!

UPDATED! The director, Lewis Schoenbrun, emailed me the poster. How cool is that?

Nowhere does he ever say Bulk Smash. Sorry.

But it doesn't matter. Because this trailer, this beautiful trailer will solve any and all problems you have today:



Holy shit, did you see that car land on that chick? HAHAHAHAHA and all I could think of when the trailer started was...COMIC SSSAAAANNNSSS!!!!

Synopsis (if you need one):

Henry Howard an ambitious young scientist struggles to develop a super human serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin's wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk. The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.

Wait a minute...did the synopsis on IMDb start out with the main character's name as Henry and then turn it to Hank? Wow that's awesome.

Alright, this is obviously going to be pretty terrible. I can imagine this being pretty awesome if you were high or really drunk. Actually you might turn into the Amazing Bulk if you're drunk.

But on the other hand...I kind of like what they did with this movie. They wanted to rip off The Incredible Hulk, I get that...but how to do it with no money at all? The answer: MS Paint. Get some friends together over the weekend, improve some shitty story in an all green screen room, and play around in MS Paint for a few days. And bam, movie gold. (I'm sure the actual production was a little more involved than that)

Step 1: Rip off Incredible Hulk
Step 2: ...
Step 3: Make Profit

The Amazing Bulk is here and we should enjoy it. Actually make a night of it by watching other rip offs like The Black Knight - Returns and Metal Man! ALL THREE WERE PRODUCED BY THE SAME GUY!

Sister Wrath will have "Nun of That"

I came across this film when I was researching The Disco Exorcist. Nun of That is already out on DVD but its news to me so here we go. Check out Scorpio Film Releasing for other amazing bad movies. Like The Creature From Hillbilly Lagoon, The Atomic Brain Invasion, and Spladder Disco (Starring Ken Foree!). I see great things for the future of Scorpio. They've already won me over.

And this is why.



YES! Approximately 2 minutes after I watched this trailer I was buying it on Amazon. I was like...this kinda looks like Hobo with a Shotgun...but with Nuns. Awesome. Look for a review in the near future.