Friday, February 4, 2011

Spend Valentine's Day with...The Taint.

This one goes out to all the ladies out there. The Taint is waiting for you...

I actually watched this movie a couple weeks ago...and for the sake of a review I will hold all my thoughts about this (FUCKING AWESOME) movie to myself.

But let it be known, there is no shortage of dick in this movie. None of it is very pleasant...all of it is hysterical. Many of them explode.

The Taint is an intellectual experience. It is a violent and misogynistic film about violence, misogyny, and entertainment. It features sadistic violence, gratuitous sexual content, and scenes of spellbinding dramatic interest. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever. It's the ultimate sexually-frustrated-male-nerd-emotional-masturbation-release film done in the style of an 80's horror-comedy.
Ok, go ahead and pick up your jaw off the floor. This movie is for real. This happened. Now for the most important part of this post. This trailer:

The Taint Trailer (NSFW) from Dan Nelson on Vimeo.

HOLY SHIT! That trailer never stops winning. NEVER.

It is available for purchase as we speak. Click the link above (or this one) to go to the official Taint website. You can see gruesomely awesome pictures from the movie as well as BUY this movie. And buy it you should because...the DVD is only $10. How can you beat that? Oh I can download it for $5 (or $10 for an HD copy). What are you waiting for!?

Go there now, buy several copies. You know you want to. I did. Hell, there's even a soundtrack! Support independent film and buy some shit from this movie. It's films like this that give hope that maybe, just maybe, all films aren't all completely censored by some stupid fucking committee. I know what I want to see...and that trailer holds nothing back.

I can honestly say that this film delivers on everything it promises.

And to celebrate this movie AND the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday, I have a little present for all you out there. Guys and Girls. Introducing, live from Mr. Gable's MS Paint Department of Art, The Taint Valentine's Day Card!!



Yes, friends! Download these, print them out. Print some out for your friends. Give them to your date for the evening. Bask in their shock as they are first introduced to The Taint. And wait, as they flip it over and read the back. Now this is the important part...

Hand them a pen and ask them to mark yes or no. If they mark yes, continue the date because this person RULES and it'll be worth it. Because you know, not only are they willing to watch THE TAINT, but they're probably willing to do just about anything. ANYTHING.

But if they answer No. Fuck 'em. Not worth it. Go home and jerk it to internet porn. (While watching The Taint)


  1. So doing this in conjunction with White Castle dinner this year.

  2. It also contains more cock explosions than any other movie ever.

    There's nothing I don't like about that sentence.

  3. Steve: That's awesome. I hope she says Yes. I have a feeling she will.

    Vincent: I agree completely. My eyes nearly exploded the first time I read that sentence. And when that part of the movie happens...its great.

  4. I've never seen an exploding dick before, but I think it's safe to say your commentary is equally entertaining. Everything about this post is hilarious.

    Now I'm thinking about White Castles. Dang.