Monday, June 20, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001)

Wishmaster 3 is for all intents and purposes a superior sequel when compared to other part 3’s. (Shark Attack 3, Hellraiser 3, Spy Kids 3) Wishmaster does something that the first 2 Wishmaster’s only touched upon: The human psyche. What is it that compels our race to do the things we do? What is it that DRIVES our curiousity? Wishmaster 3 not only explains these things in specific detail but it also pushes the envelope on its answer.

Wishmaster 3 should be regarded as the “holy grail” of amazing cinema. There really is a lot filmmakers can learn from this movie. The pacing is spot on, one kill after another in graphic detail. The Wishmaster himself, although lacking Andrew Divoff, is actually quite a bit BETTER. His look is terrifying and he’s just so much more evil.

Is it tea time yet?

What the fuck am I talking about. This movie it terrible. FUCKING TERRIBLE. Those first 2 paragraphs are a rouse. A fucking stupid devious ploy to accurately demonstrate the all and out shittiness of Wishmaster 3. Wishmaster 3 draws you in by tagging onto a great franchise, maybe even a decent trailer (don’t quote me on that), but in the end it’s just a huge pile of DOLPHIN SHIT!

Oh, it’s awful. I love to hate this movie. WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY? What the hell. )@#(*(*(& (@*^@#&* /*#(@ (@&*&@!!!!!!!!!!!!



Let’s try this again.

Wishmaster 3. It’s like someone made a photocopy of Wishmaster 1 and just moved a couple things around. Oh and wiped monkey feces all over it. First off, there’s no Andrew Divoff. That man IS the Wishmaster. I can accept no less, no more. He is the alpha and omega of evil. Secondly, WHERE IS THE WISHMASTER!? Honestly, the actual “Djinn” shows up seemingly OUT OF NOWHERE (I.E. the ruby never split open like in the previous movies) in the first 10 minutes and then he really doesn’t bother to make another appearance until later in the film. I swear that actor was in the Djinn suit for a total of 5 hours on set. And who decided to make him look WORSE? WHO!?

The story is just terrible. It’s basically the first one except the lead woman is the woman from Final Destination 2. UGH. I hate FD2. and 3. and 4. and probably 5 when it comes out. BUT, that’s for another day. I can’t even tell you much more about the story other than it’s a carbon copy. And I fell asleep at the end. Actually I was more in and out cuz my brain was trying to escape my skull and hang itself so I had to shut my eyes to keep my sanity.


The Kills. Where are all the awesome kills? There’s probably 3 kills in this movie. I thought he needed 1000 souls to open the gates to hell. What about the other 997 dead bodies? I want to see those. WHERE ARE THEY, SHITTYDJINN? WHERE ARE THEY!? And the kills that do happen are fucking awful. They cut away before anything awesome happens. This series is built upon the foundation of special effects artists. This is THEIR series. They own it. Where’s the mindless violence? AAAAHHHH!!

Don’t watch it. Retain your dignity oh bad movie viewer and skip this one. Apparently, parts 3 & 4 were shot back to back. That makes sense since the same ShittyDjinn is in that one too. And he looks even worse in that one. I’ve seen part 4 before and I kinda remember liking aspects of it. We’ll see what happens after I give it another go. But as for part 3…

Burn it.

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