Puppet Master Collection on DVD plus SO MUCH MORE!

Happy Full Moon Friday!

GUESS WHAT!? Charles Band (or most likely one of his wonderful minions) has linked my Evil Bong 3D review EVERYWHERE! He posted it on Facebook, sent it out with the email newsletter, put it up on the Full Moon Direct homepage AND the Evil Bong 3D website! We did it friends! By god, we're getting noticed around here. Now if we can just convince him to make that Wolf Cop movie, we're fucking set.

You know, it's just been a Full Moon/Charles Band kinda week. Everything from Evil Bong 3D to Incest Death Squad. It's been a hell of a time. I'll have to get out and do more of these journeys to see movies because it gives me a weeks worth of material to write about. But being it's been one amazing day after another I see no other way to end the week other than with Full Moon.

So, after stumbling around aimlessly on Amazon I discovered some movie sets I never knew existed. Get your wallets out, this is gonna be expensive...

(Click the picture to be linked to Amazon)

 

Amazon Price: $26.49

HOLY SHIT! That is less than $3 a movie. Whether you're a fan of Puppet Master or are just looking to watch them all...this is the way to go. This set contains ALL 9 Puppet Master films. (excluding Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) So that's Puppet Master 1-5, Curse, Retro, Legacy, and the All New Axis of Evil. I need this set.

Amazon Price: $9.99

You've heard me talk about them all week, now you can own them!

Amazon Price: $10.74

This is an older set but still a good one.

Amazon Price: $12.99

These are the kinda unofficial sequels to Robot Jox. Worth the watch. And I believe Barbara Crampton appears in Robot Wars.

Amazon Price: $9.99

Get caught up for Gingerdead Man 3 with this set. Not a bad price for both movies.

 

Amazon Price: $13.49

Fuck Twilight. These are real Vampire. Angus Scrimm vampires. It's a shame this doesn't have all 4. Still not bad though. You can always pick up 4 at Full Moon Direct.

Amazon Price: $13.49

It's sad that Demonic Toys 2 isn't on here but its still a cool set with Demonic Toys, Dollman, and Dollman vs Demonic Toys. I've seen this in Walmart for $5 so you may want to try there first.

Amazon Price: $9.99

Oh yeah, this set is worth it. There's actually 6 total Trancer movies. But I believe that the first 3 tie into each other best and give a really good effort. 4, 5, & 6 kinda do their own thing. Which is fine. And so is this set.

Amazon Price: $9.49

This is another one I've seen in Walmart for $5. It's worth it. Especially if you are unsure of Puppet Master but you want to give it a shot. The first 3 Puppet Master movies are excellent and well worth this price.

Well that's enough whorin' around for Full Moon for one week don't you think? We'll see you next week where I'll show you a trailer that is one of the most amazing Rip Off...of a Rip Offs that I have ever seen!

Have a great weekend everybody!

Incest Death Squad.

That's right fuckers: INCEST DEATH SQUAD.

I'm just going to let that sink in a minute.

...

...

...

Oh yeah. This is happening.

Incest Death Squad is actually a product of my trip to Evil Bong 3D. I met the writer/director Cory J. Udler there. He was a very cool guy and we got to shooting the shit about bad movies...and it turns out he made a couple of his own. Incest Death Squad being one of them. The other? Incest Death Squad 2! HAHAHAHA

That's amazing. There isn't just ONE of these trashy movies, THERE'S TWO! This is gonna be awesome.

Check out this joyous trailer now:

Lloyd Kaufman baby. You know its awesome when that guys involved. And his little rant at the beginning of that trailer is priceless.

Synopsis:

Incest Death Squad.  The name itself counjures up images of exploitation and grindhouse filth.  The first film, released October 2009, follows the incestuous Wayne Family and the newspaper reporter, Aaron Burg, on an orgy of bloodlust.  The film has been panned by Fangoria, heralded as a classic by dozens of other horror and exploitation websites and magazines and celebrated by trash film fans across the globe.

After speaking with Cory Udler about his movies, he told me that he'll be sending me a screener copy of them. And let me tell you, if I get those I'm gonna review the SHIT out of them. I'm going to do terrible Incestuous things to those discs. And I'll be sure to write all about it!

But for now, YOU can own these amazing movies! Go to the official website and you'll be redirected from there to buy it and you can also check out other info (like part 2) and pictures.

My pitch for: EVIL BONG 4

Look at the EVIL in his eyes!

Alright with Evil Bong 3D behind me, it’s time to look to the future. The future of Evil Bong. They eluded to a sequel at the end of Evil Bong 3D, they even gave it a title. This is my plea for them to hold onto that idea for part 5. We need to light a fire under this franchise and kick it right in the ass. Just the name EVIL BONG is enough to do that. But we need to show the world just how amazing it is. Being the Full Moon fan that I am, I have a good idea about how things work over there. So, let’s do this thing.

And Charles Band, or any of his wonderful minions, if you are reading this and like what you see…please steal it. I don’t even need credit. You can put my name in tiny letters at the end of the end credits if you have to. If this becomes reality…that’s enough for me.

That being said. I present to you, all you fantastically maniacal Reality Followers, this is:

EB4: Adventures Through the Bong of Time!

Characters:

Brett: Ex-baseball star.

Larnell: Crazy dude that is very suspicious of police

Bachman: loves the gonge. And naked chicks

Allister: egghead.

Velicity: Larnell’s girl, totally hot and awesome.

Luann: Brett’s total bitch of a girlfriend.

Let’s get the objectives out of the way. FIRST: The Bong MUST be cybernetic. Why? Cuz its fucking awesome. TWO: Luann is a huge bitch. We’re gonna fix that. THREE: The fans demand a Puppet Master cameo. It’s happening. Accept it. FOUR: Someone needs to die. Evil Bong has not been very evil lately. It’s time to rectify that. FIVE: Deal with Brett’s issue at the end of 3. I won’t give it away…but something will have to be done about it. I’ll just vaguely talk about it. SIX: Make Rabbit (more) awesome.

We open up SECONDS after the end of part 3. They’re still in the Pot Shop discussing how big a bitch Luann is. Or if Full Moon can’t afford it, they meet up at their apartment or at a park or some shit. Anyway, the 4 stoners and Rabbit are chilling when all of a sudden there is a flash of light. Rabbit is the only one that notices it. He leaves the group to check it out. It’s a new bong. A cybernetic bong from the future that has the power to transport people through time (inside of it).

Rabbit is more then willing to toke from it. Cuz you know what…fuck it, why not? He is just taking a pull when the other 4 stoners see him do it. The clock on the front of the bong dings and winds backwards…sucking in Rabbit. The stoners freak out, “God damn it! These fucking bongs man! WHEN WILL WE LEARN!?”

(This would be where Brett comes in handy because they are out of weed and Brett has the hook up…if you know what I mean.)  So they kind of shrug their shoulders. They know the routine by now. Let’s do it. Larnell holds Velicity by the shoulders and tells her that its too dangerous and that she must stay here. And she does. (but she isn't happy about it) So they take a drag off the bong and are transported through time to…

…the jungle. They’re out in the middle of nowhere. While they try to figure out where they are, they hear a scream. They run through the jungle and see a topless Amazonian princess strapped to 2 poles (like the cover of King Bong.) Keep an eye on this woman as she will recur through all the time travels. Also, someone is sacrificed right next to her. On top of a pedestal are the Evil Bong and King Bong laughing at the white boy they just killed. Also, they’re flirting and getting freaky with each other and making fun of white bitches at the same time. One of the stoners, probably bachman, shouts “YO! EVIL BONG DUDE!” and they are captured. When they come too they are all strapped to poles themselves…about to be sacrificied. Bachman is next to the princess and he flirts with her. She likes it. After a minute of discussion the Evil Bong states she has no idea who they are.

And that is when the Poon Tang tribe shows up and starts raiding the place. They free the princess and the stoners and this is when Allister has the epiphany that they’ve traveled back in time. He puts the relationship and other shit together to come up with that. They grab the Time Bong. “It would appear that when we smoke from this bong we are transported into another place in time.” - “whoa, it’s like a really cool Quantum Leap.”

The poon tang tribe surrounds King Bong/Evil Bong and that’s when King Bong turns towards the ladies and says, “Hey Baby. You lookin mighty fine.” And the stoners smoke their way out of there too…

NAZI GERMANY. They show up in a bedroom. They look outside and see that there’s Nazi’s outside. They then look at the bed and this is the Puppet Master cameo. The puppets have just killed a nazi on the bed. ILSA (the Amazonian chick) is standing next to the bed with a whip in her hand. She commands Blade to attack the stoners! Blade turns around and sees the stoners looking at them. He jumps off the bed (PLEASE reuse that footage from the first Puppet Master. (2:40) I will fucking FREAK OUT cuz it’s so awesome.) and runs to attack them. The stoners freak out and quickly smoke again, this time being transported to…

A classroom. They see younger versions of themselves. They reminisce a little bit about the good old days. Bachman looks at one of the little girls and states how he always wanted to bang her. Brett hits him and points out that she’s 12. Then they see themselves in the back corner. Rabbit shows up as a janitor and pulls a joint from his front pocket. “WOW! Rabbit was the first to get us high!” Then Brett catches sight of little Luann. He goes over to her and has a little “chat” about how NOT to be a bitch. So he basically SCARES the nice into her. The other 3 go over and have a little chat with their former selves...and smoke their weed. One of them tells the young Brett NOT to smoke pot the day of tryouts. (which will make him a super star later) So basically picture some kids with some adults with Rabbit getting high in a play area. HAHAHAHA

The teacher shows up (ILSA/Amazon princess) and escorts them outside. Bachman flirts with her. She wants it so bad.  Larnell runs into Grandpa who is looking through the door at little Larnell. Grandpa says some really good things about how proud he is of him and how much potential he has. Larnell freaks out and grabs the bong immediately. “We gotta go, this is too fucking trippy.”

They transport to ancient Egypt. ALL KINDS of topless Egyptian ladies walking around.  A guard immediately spots the stoners, steals the Time Bong, and puts them in jail. While in jail they complain to each other about how lame this is, how much they hate each other, etc. Then they are summoned to the pharoah’s chamber. They are escorted there where…

…they find Rabbit in bed with a bunch of naked chicks eating grapes and shit. HE’S THE FUCKING PHARAOH! Rabbit’s all giggly and then he sees the stoner boys. He quickly explains how he became pharaoh. Some really fucking stupid story like he stumbled into an axe and it killed the pharaoh so the people made him the pharaoh. Then he says, “I thought I’d never see you again!” - “We need to get you out of here.” - “What do you mean!? Rabbit’s happy here!” - Allister speaks up, “Don’t you know what they do to pharaohs once their tombs are finished?” Rabbit - “No.” - Allister, “They shove a hook in your head and fish out your brains, then they mummify you and dump you into a room for eternity." Rabbit thinks it over a minute… “Ok. Let’s go.”

So the next 15-20 minutes is spent escaping the guards, trying to track down the Time Bong, and Bachman runs into an Egyptian babe (The Amazon Princess/ILSA/Teacher). He talks the other dudes into letting her come along because he believes their running into her isn’t by coincidence.

Did I mention that each time they take a hit and are transported to another time they keep getting higher. So each trip is funnier and funnier to them.

Anyway, they can't find the Time Bong. The Egyptian guards have them all cornered and just when it looks like they are about to die...Velicity shows up with the Time Bong. (From where? It doesn't matter!) They all take a toke from the bong quickly to escape the guards where...

They return to their own time, everything’s cool. Luann shows up and she’s all super nice to Brett. Making sandwiches and shit. She’s probably got glasses now. And she also tells him that he was accepted into the MLB. (because he changed his past, get it)  Grandpa shows up being a total dick but Larnell tells him that he overheard him at the school that day and that he wants to live up to him. So Grandpa is nice now.

Everybody happy. Of course if you wanted a bad ending, you could just kill one of the main characters in Egypt. Or leave Bachman behind because he wants to keep boning that chick.

But the last thing we see is a shot of the sphinx…and it has Rabbit’s face on it.

END.

Something I missed: The bong talking. And its purpose. Thinking it over I think the bong transported to their present at the beginning to warn them not to smoke from the Time Bong. But that bong was too stupid to figure out that it was the very reason that it happened. So then it helps the stoners get Rabbit back to save the space/time continuum.

You could also slip in another Jack Deth cameo if you wanted. Like at the end before they transport back home they could go from Egypt to the future where Jack Deth is standing there looking at the bong. He takes it and sets it to their correct time. Turns out he was the one that created it as a cooler way to travel back to the 80s. lol. Fucking Jack Deth is awesome.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong (2011) Part 2

(NOTE: This is review 2 of 2)

EVIL BONG 3D: THE MOVIE

I followed Evil Bong 3D back before it was even born. I remember when this movie was just a thought in Charles Band’s head. He wanted to make Evil Bong 3D but had no fucking idea what to do. So he asked the fans. Fans submitted a million ideas with crazy titles and synopsis’. Band widdled it down to 20 and the fans voted on which one was the best. And wouldn’t you know: FUCKING SPACE BONG was the best. Of course…leave it up to nerds to decide and they’ll almost always pick space. I know I did.

So EVIL BONG 3D: THE WRATH OF BONG was born. And from there it got insane. Charles Band decided to go all out this time by filming it in 3D and bringing back the old Scratch and Sniff gimmick where you get a card going into the movie and throughout the movie a number shows up on the right side of the screen and then you scratch that number on the card and smell what the characters are smelling on the screen. And if that wasn’t enough…he was bringing this bitch to theatres.

Fuck yes.

The Story of Evil Bong 3D goes like this: An Evil Space bong crashes onto Earth and is picked up by some douchebag that has killed his wife (hilariously). He finds the bong and brings it to the smoke ‘em and toke ‘em shop owned by the stoner heroes from parts 1 and 2. It is there where all the cast members congregate and toke from the Alien bong and are transported to a crazy world populated by hot alien chicks hellbent on extracting their semen to use in their takeover of Earth.

YES!

That being said, I have a lot of feelings towards Evil Bong 3D. And to properly explain everything to you I believe a “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” type of review is in order.

THE GOOD

Hot Alien Threesome in the first 20 minutes.

Charles Band’s direction was top notch this go around. (Especially when compared to 1 and 2) There were many great transitions and shots that didn’t seem haphazardly put together on the fly. You can tell that there was a lot of care taken behind the camera this time. Probably because they were working with some expensive equipment and wanted to get it done right. I really enjoyed the overall LOOK of this movie.

The scratch and sniff gimmick was A LOT of fun. I really liked it. It made the slow parts of the movie go faster since I was keeping a watchful eye on the screen for the next smell. If this were something that was to take off and happen all the time, I would absolutely hate it. But I think once in a while makes for a ton of fun. And NOBODY in the theatre has ever had that kind of experience so I honestly appreciated the attempt. The smells were executed pretty well and the majority of the smells were excellent, (and some not so excellent) with one smell in particular being a complete deception getting many, “BAND, YOU ASSHOLE!” comments from the crowd. Holy shit did that make me laugh. It STILL makes me laugh. Great job.

THE MOUTHS MOVE. One annoying issue with Evil Bong 1 and 2 is that there are TALKING BONGS that HAVE MOUTHS that NEVER MOVE. Or if they move, it’s very rare. But both bongs, Evil and Alien, have moving mouths. THANK GOD. That was awesome.

Dick Leeches. Yes, your read that correctly. Dick Leeches. HOLY FUCK that was awesome. So to extract the semen for their evil purposes, the smoking hot alien babes had to strap on Dick Leeches to the men which sucked it from their bodies. HAHAHAHA They weren’t really leeches but that’s what they looked like to me. And I love saying Dick Leeches so that’s what I’m sticking with.

THE BAD

There was a lot of special effects in this movie. A lot of it was added obviously for the 3D. So that means a ton of crappy CGI…which honestly didn’t look all that crappy in 3D. It’s meant to be goofy so that’s really how I see it. I don't have any harsh feelings towards it. And this is a Full Moon production so I expect nothing less than cheesy effects. But there's also the part of me that has seen enough of these movies to know that the 2D DVD version of this won't look as great.

The BONGS. They just needed to be cooler. Don’t get me wrong, the Alien Bong looks bad ass. But he’s more of a prick then he is Evil. They should really start calling this series MENACING BONG. And the wisecracks from Ebee, the original Evil Bong, just weren’t racist enough. She really needs to make fun of white people more. THAT’D be funny. Their jokes were for the most part, meh.

THE UGLY

The 3D was really terrible. I hate to say it but it was. I don’t mind that it was the OLD 3D, the red and blue kind, but its just that…I took my glasses off a few times and the focus with the glasses OFF was better than with them ON. I don’t think that’s supposed to be that way. But on the other hand…there was quite a few times that the 3D was pretty awesome. Like people poking bats, umbrellas, and shooting semen at the screen. That was pretty cool…but mostly it was hard to look at. Especially with the neon images.

Actually, I think I would love this movie with just the scratch and sniff. They should do that once in awhile. Skip the 3D AND Scratch and Sniff and just put out the smell cards. I really enjoyed that part.

The pacing. Although I loved the opening and enjoyed the ending, the middle 45 minutes just DRAAGGGED. Even though things kept happening and chicks were naked, it was not nearly as entertaining as King Bong. Even Rabbit, that AMAZING delivery man from the first 2, was barely watchable. His over the top zaniness was missing here. (I live for this guy's acting) Dialogue dragged on far too long, conversations were often pointless, and the action was too short. If I had to compare the pacing to parts 1 and 2 I would say that it’s kind of in the middle ground…leaning more towards part 1.

ALL IN ALL…

From the eventual DVD standpoint: could have been better. With all the anticipation over the theatre release, the 3D, the Scratch and Sniff, the new Alien Bong…it just didn’t live up to the expectation. BUT, it does have its moments and if you are in ANY way a fan of parts 1 or 2, you will love this. But if you’re an innocent bystander looking for something new to watch, there is no need to see part 3. Don’t let the gimmicks pull you in. They were a fun addition for the Full Moon/Evil Bong fan but for you, it's not worth your time. Hopefully they do this with a Puppet Master or some shit down the road. I could see this being a good time all over again.

As far as the experience of seeing this in the theatre goes…I’m happy I did it. I loved the fact that I got to see a Full Moon movie on the big screen. I loved the Ghoulies speech. I loved the little scene that was acted out in front of us. I loved being in a room of Full Moon fans shouting throughout the entire movie. (Much the same way we watch movies at home). And I loved the overall experience of roadtripping to a movie, hanging out with a bunch of amazing people, meeting a couple celebrities, and watching something original.

I guess that’s the key thing here. Originality. That’s really what brings me back to Full Moon time and time again. It doesn’t matter how crappy the effects are, or how long it takes to see a pay off in a movie, it will ALWAYS be something new and crazy. And I for one love it.

Besides, I got to meet Charles Band. Any trip, any movie, any amount of time is worth that for me.

Mr. Gable meets the creator of Dick Leeches.

Minds are exploding all over the internet today.

(The funny thing is, Charles Band said that we really should be drunk while watching this.
I recommend the same.)

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong (part 1)

(NOTE: This is review 1 of 2)

The Evil Bong 3D Experience

So let me set the scene for you. Last Saturday we were sitting in Minnesota...and Evil Bong 3D is headed to Wisconsin. 4 hours away...close enough for me. So we packed up some gear (portal DVD player) and some friends and we headed out on our journey of nerdom.

And I'll have you know I sat in the storage area of an SUV for the entire trip (well mostly). That's how dedicated and stupid I am about these movies. (The Gable Way.)

So we get there and we're pretty excited. I mean...EVIL BONG 3D! How can you go wrong? We get there and immediately it is the greatest thing I have ever seen. After receiving my 3D glasses and scratch and sniff card I look down the corridor and see a long row of Full Moon merchandise. Movies, movies, more movies, tshirts, lighters, other amazing stuff, and at the end of it all was the man I've been waiting to see for a very long time. The man that made all of this possible: Charles Band.

I've never ACTUALLY met any celebrity before. I know Band isn't the biggest of celebrities but he is to me. So I'm trying to calm myself so I don't sound like a total douche when I get to see him.

So we walked down the aisle, checked out all the cool stuff that was available, shot the shit with Band's Minions (they know about The Taint hahahahaha) and finally I got to speak to him. And we were all wearing our Bad Movie Night tshirts so immediately we got to talking about awesome movies.

Also Robin Sydney & Sid Haig were there!

Alcohol Paul has never been so excited to own Galaxy of Terror on Bluray.

Then we were ushered along because more people were piling in and we found our seats for the movie. (Which I will get into tomorrow)

SO....how was it? The Evil Bong EXPERIENCE was amazing! The merchandise, some of it only available on the tour, was really cool. It was great to see some of the boxsets that I've LONG contemplated buying. The Puppet Master trunk was really fucking cool. And all the other shit was great as well.

For me, seeing Charles Band live in person was a dream come true. It's really awesome to meet someone who's career you've followed forever and someone that you talk about ALL the time and he's not a complete asshole. He was actually very cool and excited to be there. It could not have been better. Plus, I've never seen someone so happy to sign a copy of Demonic Toys 2. Holy shit did he get into it. That was awesome.

The epicness of these movies just quadzippled.

And now the show itself. Merchandise and celebrities aside...the show itself was pretty cool. Before the movie Charles Band performed a mini-roadshow for everyone. He started out with a long winded story about Ghoulies. IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW! Weed, it was all about weed. And toilets. (Long story short, they thought up the toilet thing after they shot the movie and that's why there's just a quick scene in the movie.)

After that, he got a few people on stage to act out a scene. There was a monster being electrocuted by his brother over their love for a woman and the monster breaks loose and the only way to calm the beast...was to expose their breasts. AH YEAH, titties live and IN YOUR FACE! And actually...he was able to get THREE ladies to expose themselves. It was amazing. And really funny.

And that's when the movie began...

DOUBLE REVIEW: Evil Bong (2006) & Evil Bong 2: King Bong (2009)

Happy Friday Everyone! Here's a little treat for you all. Two reviews...back to back and from a series that is destined for eternal recognition...Charles Band presents:

THE TRAILER:

Yep, that's Bill Moseley.

Evil Bong is (for all intents and purposes) one gigantic Full Moon commercial. Full Moon, if you do not know, is one of the greatest direct to video companies known to man. (anyone that says otherwise is a Squid) During the 90’s they produced timeless classics like Dollman, Puppet Master, and Demonic Toys. (A recurring theme here isn’t there) And then there was a huge slump in the last few years of the 90’s throughout the first half of the new millennium.

All of that changed with Evil Bong. Charles Band (the director/owner of Full Moon) took back his company and started making some changes. The first (probably) among those…Evil Bong. Fuck yeah.

I’ll be honest and admit that this movie is pretty much to sell Full Moon BACK to its viewers. It’s there simply to jump kick itself back onto the market…to let the fans know that they have not been forgotten and that it’s time to get back to business.

Evil Bong is the sweet story of a group of men who smoke weed constantly. They use terms such as “dude” and “bro” every 5 seconds. It can be annoying…but that’s ok. Just get high and let it happen. These guys decide to buy a Voodoo cursed Bong from the back of a magazine and shortly after they are toking up on one of the most majestic looking monstrosities man has ever created.

The Bong brings them to another world. It devours their soul and transports them into the bong. Inside the Bong they are powerless and weak, ripe for the picking. A perfect place for the Bong to slowly suck their lives away by murdering them with Monster Bras®. And what is this place they are taken to you may ask?

Why a strip club of course. And with some of the most amazing sets of breasts you ever laid eyes on.
I like to think of myself as a Full Moon Aficionado. I don’t claim to know them inside and out but I really fucking love their movies. Evil Bong…in the end…was awesome. But the first 45 minutes…or maybe an hour…is kinda hard to get through. Sure there’s weed smoking and titties but it just isn’t that exciting.

But all of that changes when Tommy Chong appears. And he honestly just “shows up”. It’s so fucking awesome. He is the original owner of the bong and he goes on about how it killed all his friends and he gives a little backstory and complains about his shitty wife. Holy shit it’s great. The bit with the toy cars was hilarious. So what follows from that point on is pretty watchable and entertaining.

Now, to better explain what I mean by Evil Bong being a Full Moon commercial is that each time someone is pulled into the Evil Bong Strip Club…they meet a character from another Full Moon movie. Gingerdead Man, Jack Deth, the Jack in the Box from Demonic Toys (and not the good one either, that shitty one from the SyFy spinoff Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys), all make an appearance along with a few other Full Moon favorites. (as seen in the trailer above)

It’s kind of genius in its own way. You have all these things just sitting in storage and you're trying to reboot your company, how could you go wrong!?

I’d recommend it. You just have to be extremely patient or high to like it. You can find it on Amazon partnered up with the sequel, Evil Bong 2: King Bong for only $10. I think it's worth it.

And speaking of King Bong…

THE TRAILER:

There's definitely nudity in this trailer.

KING BONG IS THE SHIT!

I really don’t want to detour you from seeing the first Evil Bong but the first 4 minutes of King Bong recaps the events of Evil Bong. So really…you don’t have to even watch the first one. It’s all wrapped up nice and neat for you. Of course, you don’t get to see all the greatness of Tommy Chong, but that’s a small price to pay if you ask me.

The thing that makes King Bong so AWESOME is the premise. The guys that toked from the Evil Bong are now having exaggerated side effects of smoking pot. One of them is eating so much that he has gained 200 pounds, one can’t stop getting a hard on and humping things, and the last one…just randomly passes out.

That is so FUCKING GENIUS! What a great sequel. And its very entertaining.

So the guys from the first one (same actors minus one) get together and discover their problem. So they decide that they need to track down the source of the problem and go to South America where the Evil Bong was first discovered. So they track down the guy that delivered the Evil Bong and convince him to come along.

GOD HOW I LOVE THIS GUY!!!

So they travel to South America where they meet up with this hot chick that’s doing research on medical weed. Some hilarious stuff happens, the Evil Bong returns, and then we are introduced to the Poon Tang Tribe.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YYEEEESSS!!!!

And then we meet King Bong. And he is one jive ass mofo lemme tell you. His constant shouting and usage of the term “bitches” is absolutely mystifying. You’ll be encapsulated by his performance.

And one of them gets trapped inside King Bong. So the rest of them must toke from King Bong to go inside him and rescue the other guy. (make sense?) And the rest happens exactly as it should. Hot women, lotsa weed, guy turns into a doobie, all that jazz.

King Bong was amazing. It’s is infinitely better than Evil Bong. Not knocking on Evil Bong but the entertainment value (and the production value for that matter) is just so much better with this installment. It’s a fun little adventure through the jungle.

And you just can’t beat a tagline that says, “In 3D, if you're stoned!”

That being said…I’m in for Evil Bong 3D: The Wrath of Bong. (FUCKING ALIEN BONG FROM SPACE MAN! IN 3D!! AND SMELL-O-RAMA!!!) I’m actually driving to see it in the theatre tomorrow matter of fact. It is playing in Madison, WI so if you’re in the area and want to meet me there, I’ll see you! I'm certain there's still tickets available. Keep it here Monday for my review. It’s going to be amazing…

GUEST REVIEW: Carnosaur (1993)

This review comes from Vincent of Vincent's Handmade Art. About a month ago he participated and conquered the Bad Movie Battle Royale. And for his victory I hesitantly gave him the Special Edition of Carnosaur. (which is spectacularly NOT that special) I was pretty wasted when I last watched it (and putting together a model car no less) and my recollections were pretty impaired. But I KNOW Carnosaur 2 is fucking awesome so Carnosaur 1 couldn't be all that bad.

Well...here's what he had to say...

"The first word that comes to mind after watching Carnosaur is, "Ouch!"  That's mostly because we watched it with only 2 of the required 3 essential aids for bad movie viewing.  We had no rum, and I'm not sure Dr. Pepper counts as an energy drink.  So having only half the normal protection we started the show and were optimistic at first when we saw names of actors that we recognized.  There was also another name we recognized in the opening credits and that name was Roger Corman.  So things went downhill from there.  At one point Stacia turned to me and said, "I blame YOU for this!"  The the girl getting her leg eaten (as seen on YouTube) was, in fact, the best part of the movie unless you count Clint Howard getting decapitated.  So, after 70 minutes we were at least comforted by the fact that it would be over soon but, no, not only was the movie horrible but it had a very bleak and depressing ending.  I'm not referring to the fact that the entire population of the world was at significant risk of complete extinction.  I'm also not referring the fact that the government was going around shooting everyone and torching all the evidence.  The part I couldn't handle was the image of the Alfred E. Newman "What me, worry?" poster burning at the end.  I mean WTF!?  Did they think they were making an ironic societal statement or were they just fucking with us?  Or perhaps they were smart enough to be completely whacked out of the minds on the right amount and right number of illegal substances while making this film."

You can trust this review for 3 reasons. First..."I BLAME YOU FOR THIS" was hilarious. 2: He knows who Clint Howard is and appreciates his deaths. And 3: The outrage over the poster burning.

I can agree with this review. What I do remember from Carnosaur is that its actually a pretty serious effort. But I assume that's because they wrote the movie based on a book and then when they actually got around to making the special effects they were like OOPS. We don't have money for anything beyond guys in suits. But fortunately they realized this for the sequel and just gave it hell in part 2.

Carnosaur one is not completely terrible. If you like dinosaurs, watch it. But I'd strongly recommend Part 2. And Part 3. Part 3 can't dispose of expendables fast enough. And you DON'T need to see part 1 to enjoy the other 2. They all stand alone.

Night Claws (THE 80'S IS BACK BABY!)

HOLY CRAP! Everyone. Grab a drink and a cigarette. Cuz once you're done reading this article you're going to need both.

Night Claws. I can barely breathe right now I'm so fucking excited. I don't know if I can take it. This is the greatest news I've heard in a very very VERY long time. Let me tell you why.

Synopsis:

A small town is being terrorized by a killer Bigfoot. One that is blood thirsty, vicious and kills without warning and without discrimination. A scientist by the name of Sarah Evans shows up to help the town's sheriff and his deputy girlfriend Roberta hunt this thing down and put an end to the killings. At the same time, Hunter Crawford is a thug-like character who along with his two henchmen, is hunting the creature himself, for his own personal gain and he does not care who he has to go through to accomplish this. Enter Charlie Parker a tough east coast type who is on a survivalist camping trip, led by the seasoned survivalist Sharon Farmer at the behest of his young trophy wife and whom, by no fault of his own, winds up being used as bait for the creature, by Hunter. But there is more at work here than meets the eye...

Alright, that's pretty awesome. Another Sasquatch movie. (fuck yeah) But that's not what's exciting...

Next...this movie stars Frank Stallone. Sylvester Stallone's brother.

But that's not what's really exciting.

This movie is directed by David A. Prior. Famous AMAZING BAD MOVIE director of: Deadly Prey, Future Force, and Night Wars. (Among many others)

That's a little exciting. (Actually really exciting) But not what's making me freak out right now.

I slipped by an interview where David Prior describes this movie as having no CGI. All puppets and make up! Thank you David, bringing the true art of filmmaking into the new age.

That's awesome, but not what's the greatest GOD DAMN NEWS YOU WILL HEAR THIS YEAR!

Here's what I'm talking about. Night Claws. Has the GREATEST HERO IN ALL OF CINEMA. The man that hunted through the future. Mutinied in Space. Hunted the Streets. Commandoed the Strike...Commandoes.

Reb. Brown. (you'll click that link if you know what's good for you.)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



This is just so amazing! He hasn't been in a movie since the mid-90's! 2011 is the GREATEST YEAR EVER! I still can't believe this. He had better get his hands on some kind of automatic weapon and go ape shit on somebody. Nobody and I mean NOBODY can't outdo Reb Brown's War Face.

This movie is currently filming. As soon as a trailer appears I'll be jerking off to it posting it here.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I feel (a little) better now.

Roid Rage: The Movie ($#*&@%!!!!!)

Mr. Gable here with your daily smile. This movie is something I just "noted" awhile ago. There was absolutely nothing worth posting about today so I googled a couple things but came up short. That was until I found Roid Rage. This trailer is pretty "meh" until about the 45 second mark. Then I guarantee your jaws will hit the floor.

Roid Rage baby.

This guy's voiceover is AMAZING.

I don't care if that rips off Alien. That was awesome. Besides, I don't think that ever happened in any of the Alien movies so fuck them. They can make 6 Alien movies and not one of them has an eye ripping scene? What the hell.

Oh wait a minute. Read this synopsis:

Sammy Jenkins was a simple man who lived a simple life, until a genetic mutation sent his world spiraling out of control. Now, being hunted by the men responsible for his deformity, as well as the FBI, Sammy must fight back with his unique abilities in order to survive. Those unique abilities include the giant killer hemorrhoid growing out of his ass.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT'S A HEMORRHOID MONSTER! HAHAHAHAHAHA I THOUGHT IT EXPLODED OUT OF HIS CHEST! HAHAHAHA I THOUGHT ROID RAGE WAS "STEROID" NOT "HEMORRHOID" HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SO AWESOME!

Also, this ONE MINUTE trailer displays every great aspect of a "AWESOMELY BAD" bad movie. One liners, dead hookers, live hookers, lots of guns, ass eating, monsters eating eyeballs unexpectedly, science gone mad, a kick ass title and tagline, and GORE GORE GORE! You just know that this movie has so much more going for it then what they're showing here. I can't fucking wait to see more exploding bodies and ass monsters eating people's faces.

This is what I live for man. Roid Rage...WHERE ARE YOU!?

At the Hudson Horror Show in Poughkeepsie, NY on May 14th, that's where. Looks like a pretty good night to me. Wish I lived anywhere near there. Hopefully this movie can swing out my way to Minnesota so I can see it. We love our bad movies here, Roid Rage. Just sayin...I can guarantee at least 20 people. PLEEEAASSEE!!!

Anyway, enough ass kissing. Check out the official website for more information. And also go to their facebook page and beg them to come to your town. Or get this shit on DVD so I can watch it. I fucking need this man.

UPDATE: Just checked out the IMDb page...this is a short film. Only 14 minutes long. And probably the best 14 minutes of your life. I sincerely hope that this turns into a Hobo with a Shotgun type of scenario and becomes a full blown ass exploding movie.

From the director of Commando comes: GROUPIE

It doesn't matter how terrible horror plots get...because they will just keep getting worse. Thank you bad movie god! You are amazing.

From acclaimed camera wizard Mark L. Lester, director of Commando, Showdown in Little Tokyo, Firestarter, Class of 1999, and his most recent flick Pteryodactyl (HAHAHA) comes GROUPIE.

Synopsis:

When a mysterious groupie joins legendary cursed band, "The Dark Knights", a series of unexplained murders derails their comeback tour.

*facepalm* We're in for some real shit here friends.

Oh yeah, that's Eric Roberts. He's in everything from The Expendables to Sharktopus. (And that's just in the last couple years) If there's any reason you'd need to watch this movie, then he is it.

Honestly...it's looks pretty terrible. But you know me, I'll watch anything. So I'm sure this will hit Netflix Instant and I'll definitely slam down some rum. Then once my brain has shut down...I'll watch it.

But for the rest of you....Groupie is coming to DVD on June 14th.

Shark Attack & Monsturd Bad Movie Twitterthon 4/14/11

Last night I embarked on a journey. A sudden and poorly planned upon journey. But it was there...and it was awesome. For those of you that joined me...thank you. For the rest of you...next time. We will do this again. I'm totally planning some kind of Instant Watch Bad Movie Night for all of us. I don't know how it'll happen but dammit...it's happening.

So here's what happened. I watched a couple movies...and I commented on them via twitter while I watched them. It was a little frustrating at first because I was trying to eat, drink, get situated, and pet 3 cats and a dog at the same time. But once everything calmed down...I had a blast. It actually added to the experience. Like I was watching this movie with the world or something. I'm sure nobody was reading...but fuck it. You're reading this now so that's what matters.

First up was Shark Attack (the one with Casper Van Dien...I kept spelling it Diem all night) I chose this because I'd seen Shark Attack 3 (which is amazing) and some screen shots for Shark Attack 2 (which looks equally as amazing) so I wanted to watch the first one. And it also said on Netflix that it is only available until today...so I wanted to catch it before it went away.

After that it was Monsturd. A fucking shit-monster killing people. How can I resist!? Its been in my Instant queue forever and I've been really looking for a reason to watch it...but somehow I keep passing it up. But yesterday I finally cracked the seal on that bitch and watched it. And let me tell you....well I'll let my tweets tell you.

[anything in brackets I added here in this blog post.]

So without further introductions. Here! Is! SHARK ATTACK!

It's amazing I got past this cover art.

Alright everyone, SHARK ATTACK begins now!

Nu Image logo. Fuck yeah. Time to get my pizza on.

That guy is struggling to laugh. OH! Stock footage

With the openeing scene out of the way...i can only assume an hour of story is ahead [pay no attention to spelling errors...this was on the fly]

Really casper. Your shocked that there's shark attacks. Wow

After that shark gutting scene, this pizza doesn't look all that great.

Oh great.foreign stereotype. I'm thinkin he'll be taking over the comic relief position as well [and he did]

Its ok casper, there's no need to act too hard

RANDOM BAR FIGHT!

Yeah! Shark attack!

That was lame. It wouldve been cooler if it ate that kid [I stand by this statement]

Gotta love it when characters ignore warnings

HAHAHAHA THAT SHARK IS AWESOME! I'm surprised the paper meche held underwater

I see your tribe is filled with several angry mike tysons [comment of the night]

I bet if they looked in that guys freezer we could finish this movie right now

So they threw out bait on a chain...and the shark clearly attacked bait on a rope. Lulz

Ah yeah. Come on baby. Let's see dem boobies

Goddamn shark. You ruined everything [I fucking HATE YOU!]

With that disappointment....its rum time

So sharks cure cancer now eh?

Geez lady, you got some purdy lips. He'd better fuck her.

Nope

What the fuck was that all about [They went out into the water and were attacked by sharks. FOR NO REASON]

Shower scene...come on nudity.

SUNOFABITCHINFOREIGNERS!

Why does this movie keep avoiding sex!

ANOTHER missed opportunity Casper! Whatre you...gay!?

Hahahaha that geo metro just exploded [actually I think it was a VW Golf]

This bad guys acting is so amazing.

RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A WINDOW [I stole the RAOV bit from badmovies.org]

It took em an hour and a half but by god someone swore [hour and 15 actually]

There is NOTHING in those files. Hahahahaha

Wow. This movie is about oil and NOT shark attacks.

This sharkless climax is infuriating

Is shark attack some kind of casper van diem metaphor

Finally! Sharks! Eat ernie hudson

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH IT JUST BIT HIS ASS!!!!!!! This epic climax music is priceless!

Well that wasn't that terrible. Not good by any means but I'd watch it again.

[FINAL THOUGHTS: I liked it. I thought it was going to be a lot slower. They spiced up the pace with lots of random action that really had nothing to do with anything. But I'm ok with that. If it wasn't for Random Acts of ANYTHING this movie would've blown REALLY HARD. So thank you for that.]

Fuck yeah.

NETFLIX INSTANT USERS: Up next it's MONSTURD! Get your bad movie devices ready. The shit hits the fan in 10 minutes! [hahahahahaha]

MONSTURD BEGINS NOW! Thank you netflix instant. This movie is gonna be so shitty.

Jesus christ. Did I make this movie? [the picture looked like my handheld camera]

Butte county heh

Shark attack could learn a lot from this movie in regards to pacing

HAHAHAHA this sound is terrible! Did they record this off the camera!? Hahahaha

This guy stroking his chin is awesome

If I could say anything...id say this movie is off to a craptastic good start

Hmmm...lets dump these shit inducing chemicals down the storm drain. THIS IS AWESOME

HOLY SHIT! (just wanted to say that)

This overacting is so AWESOME

Chili contest, fuck yes

Shit monster yeah! 1 cop down.

RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A PUPPET! [that scene was so damned funny]

"youve got to be shitting me"

These effects are actually really good. Thank you for using practical effects. Fuck cgi. Also...these guys have been throwing up for 2 min.

That chick just said macho man. OOOOHHHHH YYYYEEEAAAAHHH

Monsturd just killed some guy. Anyone else see the smile on my face?

"youve been watching too many crappy horror movies sheriff"

I can't imagine this script being over 10 pages. This has to be amazingly adlibbed

This bartender is AWESOME

Holy shit. I need to own this movie.

Alright! Send in some expendables...the shit monster will take care of them [and he did]

Ewww, nasty. Tarantula. Blech!

Girl cop/guy cop drinkin in the office. I like where this is goin...

HAHAHAHA THATS AN AMAZING SOUTH PARK RIP! Mr spankey the easter turd! HAHAHAHA

Shit everywhere.

Wow rum is aweome. I didn't even notice the overdub on the audio [IT WAS SO OBVIOUS]

This went the way of shark attack and avoided the sex scene. There was even booze involved. At least the budget is an excuse

This cop with the megaphone kicks ass

I get it. This is a really shitty Jaws ripoff.

This needs to be remade with robert englund starring [they even mentioned Hollywood should remake it at the end]

"Where there is chili there is bowel movements!" "flies hurt the shitman!"

Hahahahaha pepto bismol! That's so awesome

Whoever wrote this is a damned genius

This suiting up scene is better than the entirety of batman and robin [everything is better than B&R]

This movie is the shit.

I love how the shit monster sounds like a T Rex

NO! Shit monster! NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!

That ending was epic. Monsturd was fucking amazing. Watch it now on netflix instant

I'm very much looking forward to the follow up to this: RetarDEAD. Also available on netflix instant

[FINAL THOUGHTS: Monsturd far exceeded my expectations. I knew I was in for some shit but what I got was some SHIT. And I loved it. The pacing was very well done and it looks like they just got a bunch of wise guys together and let 'em loose on set to do whatever the fuck they wanted. It was hilarious. The random scenes and jokes were amazing. I recommend this to EVERYONE]

Thank you for reading, thank you to anyone who participated. I'm definitely doing this again. Have a great Friday everyone!

Bad Movie Twitterthon happening TONIGHT!

In a little over 3 hours to be more accurate. I have the night off and starting 7pm CST TONIGHT I will be holding a double feature bad moviethon and YOU'RE invited. Join me at...

http://www.twitter.com/mrgablesreality

...for THREE (possibly 4) amazing hours of craptastic commentary on...a couple movies. I don't know. This is kinda sudden so I'll decide when I get home. So it'll be like some kind of amazingly rad surprise for all of us. And for those of you that miss it, I'll post the summary of this evening events tomorrow morning for all of you to enjoy!

I hope to see you tonight or at the very least tomorrow morning!

Night of the Living Dead 3D Part -1

Anybody remember the 2006 remake that you can ONLY watch in 3D with Sid Haig? That one that NOBODY liked. (At least that's what I hear. Its been sitting on my shelf for awhile and I really should get to watching it so I can judge for myself.) Well...it's got a prequel coming.

And I don't care what anyone says. This movie is gonna be amazing. You know why? Because it has Herbert West and the Wishmaster in it. Jeffrey Combs and Andrew Divoff.

Does it get any better than that?

Synopsis:

After inheriting the family mortuary, a pyrophobic mortician (ANDREW DIVOFF) accidentally exposes hundreds of uncremated bodies to toxic medical waste. As the corpses re-animate, the mortician’s inheritance-seeking younger brother (JEFFREY COMBS) unexpectedly shows up, stumbling upon a full zombie outbreak!

Nice! You know what this means don't you!? DON'T YOU!? This means that we have a possible WISHMASTER VS. HERBERT WEST SCENARIO HERE!! OH. MY. YES. It's the movie we've always known we never knew we wanted to exist.

Oh yeah, here's the Sarah Palin rippin, Zombie Fridge Baby, seriously lacking Combs/Divoff trailer.

I need. To see. This movie.

Mr. Gable's STORE is open!

UPDATE!

I posted the store and received some feedback and now I'm kinda pulling it back and starting over. I found a new website that give me a little more versatility (I.E. putting logos on the back of shirts) so until I finish with that, just hold onto your money until then. The other store is still up if you would like one of those shirts or other products.

Thank you for your patience. The badness will be back again soon.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE OLD STORE!

Naked Vampires (and Kevin Sorbo) in Tales of an Ancient Empire

The following is a red band trailer. So that means amazing vampire nudity. (insert happy face)

Synopsis:

The sword and sorcery epic, written by Cynthia Curnan, tells the story of a princess forced on a quest to recruit the greatest warriors of the ancient world to save her kingdom from a demonic sorceress. But the odyssey to find them reveals a secret past for all.

Tales of an Ancient Empire is directed by Albert Pyun. This man is responsible for tons of amazing bad movies: Cyborg, Dollman, Nemesis 1-4, 1990's Captain America (which is coming to bluray baby!).

That trailer needs to be recut and shortened. I am interested. And I'll be honest here...anything with Kevin Sorbo in it pretty much has me interested. I loved that man as Hercules and I'll always be a fan. He may not be the greatest and his movies might not always be the greatest but I will always want to watch them. But the trailer has a severe lack of Sorbo...and other recognizable cast members. Christopher Lambert and Val Kilmer. (UPDATE: I guess on the IMDb page, Lambert isn't even listed. That poster up there is an older poster since it says "Now filming" so he must have dropped out) Even if their parts are small, putting them in the trailer would make it all that more enticing in my opinion. But who am I? Nobody. I am nobody.

But regardless, I'll be seeing this. Looks pretty awesome. Swords, Nudity, and Kevin Sorbo. I'm so there.

Check out the official website for all kinds of amazing goodies. This looks like its available for purchase but all I could find on Amazon was a Region 2 version. And it's not on Netflix. Come on Pyun! Let's get this thing moving! I NEED SORBO!

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (Shaun of the Dead remix #7)

I'm all about the Shaun of the Dead type of movies. SotD was so awesome that it made itself point of reference for every horror comedy from that moment forward. And here we go again with another SotD rendition of the slasher film: Tucker and Dale vs Evil.

Starring Alan Tudyk. YES!

This is gonna be awesome. If this is just a handful of teens killing themselves in front of those hillbillies I can't fucking wait to see how the rest kill themselves. That's so awesome. And I really love Alan Tudyk. (Wash from Firefly) And this trailer looks amazing, even if it is a workprint trailer. I don't give a shit, there's enough laughs there to keep me interested. I just hope that they can speed up the killing at the beginning of the movie and not let it drag 45 minutes until something awesome happens.

But I'm sure the payoff would be worth the wait. It looks like this movie is currently making the rounds at festivals everywhere. It looks like they did that ALL last year. So hopefully they finish that up soon and get this shit on DVD. I need to see this movie.

Check out the official website for some bonus scenes and pictures. Thanks to AJC for the tip.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Warlock: The Armageddon (1993)

I give a lot of movies a lot of shit here at Mr.GR and a lot of those movies deserve it. Warlock: The Armageddon does not.

Warlock: The Armageddon is one of those sequels that you want to see because you like the original a lot but you keep putting off because your scared of how terrible it will be. Like something about the cover and description drives you away because of how different it’ll be from the original. Maybe it’ll be too serious, maybe they’ll fuck up the Warlock really bad, maybe it’ll be too fucking slow, maybe you saw that Warlock 3 doesn’t star Julian Sands so maybe Warlock 2 was so bad that he quit the whole thing altogether, or maybe your afraid that Warlock 2 will ruin your love for the original Warlock. Such is not the case.

After finishing this movie for the second time last night (I wrote this review like 6 months ago and finally am posting it) I completely take back any possible bad feelings I had with this movie. It’s kind of one of those “FUCK! I’m stupid” moments for even attempting to write this thing off before I had a chance to sit down and watch it. Another lesson learned.

What should have triggered me off to this being a GREAT movie was the director. I really should have done my homework. Anthony Hickox, the mastermind behind Waxwork, Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth, AND Full Eclipse (which I just saw recently for the first time as well), is the man behind the camera for Warlock: The Armageddon. What a fool I was. I LOVE THIS GUY! And I think he does a phenomenal job with Warlock: The Armageddon. The camera angles are amazing, his use of zoom in several “slow” scenes make the movie truly stand out. Well done sir.

The special effects! You can’t have a good horror movie without good special effects! And this movie does them nearly perfectly. Thankfully, and to my tremendous appreciation, a majority (and I mean MAJORITY) of the special effects are practical effects. So that means little CGI and lot of gory gory goodness. The birth of the Warlock was nasty…and his kills were equally disturbing. I fucking hate when they ruin a good movie with too many computer effects. This movie only uses the computer effects when the Warlock is playing with the stones (the central focus of this movie). It’s not that it’s bad, it just seems like those scenes were designed for out of date 3D technology. And it could very well have been but I don’t know for sure.

So the story, I should probably get around to that. It starts out with Druids (FUCKING DRUIDS!) preventing the rise of Satan’s son. Julian Sands. Using the power of seven sacred stones they stop the Warlock and put him back to hell. From there we fast forward 600 years or so to present day. The time is right again for the Warlock to return and this time he is successful. Now his mission is to collect the sacred stones so he can open the portal to hell to unleash his father…you know him…Satan! So he travels to America capturing the stones. Because apparently the stones hate the rest of the world. But the beauty of this part of the movie is that with each stone he has to get it from the owner…and the owner has to forfeit the stone willingly. It’s the rules. And this is when the gory gory goodness happens. Absolute fucking genius I tell you! So the Warlock tricks and murders everyone into getting their stones. At which point he has one final stone left…and its in the hands of a couple of Druid punks.

I really enjoyed this aspect of the story. The ACTUAL Druid “monks” or whatever didn’t have the power to combat the Warlock so they had to make their children do it. This made for entertainment because they have all these powers but they’re too stupid to know how to use them right. With great power comes great failure. And it was awesome.

Then the movie comes to a climax, and so do I, and it’s all over. The ending…is pretty predictable. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, it’s not necessary to try and be original here. Not with this movie, I fucking love the way it ended. It’s what I wanted to happen and it happened. Thank you Mr. Hickox.

If you need any other reason to see this movie…there is a splendid cast at work here. There’s Julian Sands of course, the motherfuckin Warlock. He kicked ass in the original and now you get to see his ass in Warlock 2. And he also kicks ass too. Then there’s Steve Kahan…you know him better as Captain Ed Murphy in the Lethal Weapon movies. There’s a short appearance by Charles Hallahan. He was “Spider-Head” in The Thing. There’s a very short cameo by Zach Galligan, which is not surprising seeing how he starred in the Waxwork movies. You probably know him as the lead kid in the Gremlins movies. And then a very special appearance by one of my favorite “Where’s Waldo of the Horror Genre” members…George “Buck” Flower.

Why am I so awesome!

He’s in TONS of great horror movies…but always has small parts. He has a passion for dying and I love him for it. You really get to see a lot of him in John Carpenter movies. Always dying that man is.

I can’t tell you enough about how much I loved Warlock: The Armageddon. It has excellent pace. Just when you think you’re going to hit a lull in the movie, it picks up again. Timing between scenes is nearly seemless. There’s always enough going on that you can’t possibly lose interest. I’m looking forward to seeing what they did with Warlock 3, I know it won’t be the same without Julian Sands but I guess I need to be open minded, because my closemindedness about Warlock 2 prevented me from seeing one hell of a movie a long time ago.

(Warlock 1 and 3 are on Netflix Instant Watch. The Armageddon is only available through DVD rental. Sad.)