Wednesday, September 8, 2010

HEY ASYLUM! I have a movie pitch for you. And it's not a rip off!

I have a book. A “note book”. I take notes in it. It’s more or less a book that I can write down some ideas for stories that I probably will never get around to writing. It’s sole purpose is to remember the things that I'll forget cuz my memory fucking sucks. So I was flipping through it just now and I came across this amazing idea I’d like to share with all of you. Please place your hands against the sides of your head to prevent it from exploding.
“A detective is chasing a killer. All signs point to a monster. Turns out the detective is a werewolf.”
OH MY GOD! Look at that twist. I am a fucking genius. So I’m gonna role with this. I’m far too impatient and busy at the moment to actually write it out on paper but I will make an attempt to plot out just how this might look on film if I were to do it. Check it out…

We make a deal with the Asylum to shoot this thing. We tell them that SyFy is going to be on a werewolf kick next year and they’re looking for new wolf movies. They are not of course but the Asylum is probably dumb enough to fall for it. (If you are from the Asylum and are reading this right now, please disregard the last sentence) Plus I’d have a script and my Canon FS200 at hand so they’d probably just flip me $50 and tell me to go shoot it. They’d give me their roster of lead actors and I would spit on it.

Next I’d talk Tim Thomerson into starring in this. He just came out with a kick ass vampire movie recently, Live Evil, and the only place to go from there is to werewolves. I now have my main draw. Then we’d just go to a bar in LA and pick up a bunch of nobody’s that can’t act but REALLY think they can. We do this because bad movies can only be good when all the actors and crew are bad but really honestly believe that they're good.

The future of law enforcement.

The story would start out normal, Tim is out on the beat and they come across their third bloody homicide. We’d get a cool shot of a mangled corpse, Tim would take a drag of a cigarette, and an A&W logo would light up the background. A&W being the official sponsor…they sponsored SUPERGIRL so they’ll sponsor anything. The detectives would discuss how brutal it was and then blame it on the Yakuza.

The next scene would bring us back to Tim’s apartment. He’d walk through several creepy sidestreets and alleyways constantly glancing backwards to check out inane sound effects. “What was that? Sounded like an exploding bike tire.” Ominous sounds and all. When we get there we’d do the whole “wife and kids died in a horrible car accident” which forshadows the inevitable ninja werewolf showdown at the climax of this movie.

Next we’d get to see a brutal murder happen in shadows. Perhaps the werewolf kills a bunch of teens at a rave party. That sounds good, that’s what will happen. Then Tim would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The phone would conveniently ring to move along the plot and we’d be off to the scene of the crime. They’d find hair there that would go to forensics for analysis. This will take precisely 45 minutes when they reveal to Tim that he indeed is the killer and also a werewolf.

So then we start the side plot of werewolf ninjas. Tim would go to his car and find a note stating that someone would like to talk to him about the murders. He hates life and figures what the hell…maybe there’ll be pie. So he goes to the meeting place. A Denny’s. Where there's pie.

He meets up with four Japanese stereotypes. They order their food and discuss the murders. They tell him that they’ve been tracking a monster in the night, this monster killed their sensei. So they’re in pursuit of revenge. Tim nods in confirmation and promises to look into it later. And never does. They depart the diner but not without a warning. “Do not pursue this killer anymore, WE must kill him. It’s for honor, for life. If you find the killer and kill him we will kill you…with death.”

But Tim doesn’t give a fuck. He’s pretty sure he can figure it out. He goes home and gets on the internet. We have the (recently) classic “research shit on the internet scene”. (right at the 7:47 mark) He finds things on the occult, and wolves, and how they merged and became werewolves, and at one point he will sit back, take off his glasses, and contemplate in silence with his chin resting on his palm. He goes to sleep and we Star Wars swipe to the next morning.

Now we finally come to the climax of this amazing story. One of the four Japanese sterotypes is dead. Mauled to death. Tim goes to investigate. The other three stereotypes are there. They all kind of talk to one another and try to figure out what the hell is going on. Then Tim’s partner gets a call from forensics and his face goes blank. “It was you!”

We get a cutscene involving the car crash that killed his family. He was driving and they hit a deer…or werewolf. Tim investigates but gets mauled…only a little. The creature then eats his wife and kid. And the car was on fire because of the crash so it explodes…leaving Tim all alone. And a werewolf.

Tim turns around in shock at his partner’s accusation. The ninjas start accusing him of murder…then the full moon shines out from behind a cloud. Tim transforms into a werewolf and mauls his partner. As the audience, we’re not really sure why that happened…but by now the movie has given up on itself and is just trying to finish what it started. Well it also happens that the ninjas are werewolves too. Specially trained werewolves. Disciplined.

The final fight. They all fight one another, Tim is winning of course. Nobody can stop the power of Thomerson. He rips out arms and eats their hearts. Everybody dies. And at one point some hobos show up and he eats them too. Just because there wasn’t enough blood and guts in this movie and now it has to make up for lost time. Then Tim transforms back to his human state, we get a shot of a naked 70 year old Tim Thomerson that nobody wants to see EXCEPT my newest blog follower STACIA (you can read her blogs here and here) and probably me. I'd see Tim in ANYTHING. And then we fade away.

The movie ends with him suiting up for duty, another bloody case to investigate. His voice sounds over footage of him buttoning his shirt and loading his pistol. “The power of human hearts gave me strength. Strength of body and mind. I know what has happened to me, what I am. The more I consume the more I can control it. I can use it for the power of good, to help mankind. My name is Tim Thomerson, I am Wolfcop.”

And the movie ends.

If you’re reading this and you're from the Asylum and you think this is the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard, email me. I got a camera and a script (that you know of). Just pay me lots of money, get me Tim Thomerson and some expendable nobody's, and lets make this happen.

For the rest of you, I hope you enjoyed my vision for the future of bad movies. This one will hopefully see the light of day and crawl into the vault of badness to reside there on the fifth shelf from the top for all eternity. The same shelf that carries such classics as Cyborgcop, Scannercop, and Zombie Cop. The best “cop” movies of all time.

Thank you and good night.


  1. I would like to genuinely and sincerely offer my help to you to make this movie. I can be the person with the stopwatch and the script who hangs around yelling at gaffers.

    Also, you should change the "nobody" to "nobody but Stacia" in the sentence about seeing a naked Tim Thomerson.

  2. is done. Anyone that loves Thomerson as much as me deserves to have a blog rewritten. Thank you so much. You are WIN!