BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Panman (2011) [NEW Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

THE PRAYER OF PANMAN

Let us begin this review with a prayer.

Blessed be the Panman

on Heaven and Earth

He flashes the women

his impressive girth.

He pans all the people

right in their face.

Then tokes on the jay

enjoying the taste.

Fuck all you culinists

and your crafty foods.

Except for the hot ones

cuz we like them nudes.

Come all ye faithful!

Let’s lend him a hand!

Because if you don’t

YOU’LL GET FUCKING PANNED!!

This would be the unofficial Prayer of Panman but I think we’re all ok with that. And it is a whooping 80% accurate to the movie. 100% if there’s ever a sequel. I loved Panman. It is an amazing piece of film.

WHAT IS A PANMAN?

Panman is a movie I was fortunate enough to receive a screener copy. So a MUCHO LARGE THANK YOU to Tim Pilleri for sending me this movie. (Tim is the director/writer/badass/star of Panman) And I know for a fact that this movie was great because it was not just I that witnessed it, it was me and a small group of friends that first got to see it and I have to tell you...what a movie man. Everything you want to see a dude dressed up in a pan outfit do...he does. It’s great!

You know, Panman is kind of like Robocop. All you really see of Panman is his chin...all you see of Robocop is his lips. But if ever another person were to play that character...you'd know immediately that it was an imposter. So I hope that Tim is Panman forever. He stagger and stance rivaled that of Robert Englund in A Nightmare on Elm Street. Brilliance!

WHO IS PANMAN?

Panman is …a man. A man…with a pan on his head. And a pan in his hand. The pan in his hand he uses to kill people. People…that know his secret. A very dark and sinister secret. A secret so secret that if I were to reveal it here would put me in mortal pan-danger. (and possibly get me in trouble for violating copyright laws) So you will just have to find out for yourself.

Fortunately for you, you can get to know him a little better. Panman is on facebook. He loves to give wonderful updates about murdering…I mean stalking…I mean hanging out with the culinary students on weekends. And of course up to the minute updates regarding the movie...screenings...DVD news. That kind of thing.

THE STORY OF PANMAN

The story is not what I had in mind at all. I just thought it’d be a mindless slasher involving hilarious pan related deaths. AND…while that did happen…it turns out that this movie is a bit of a romantic/horror/comedy movie as well.

Seriously, the first 30 minutes kind of start out as a romantic comedy with Panman killing people in an attempt to find his dream girl. It's so freakin beautiful. Then he finds his dream girl. Then some bad things happen…and a Panman assassination squad is formed to take him down. Then MORE bad things happen. The movie takes a supernatural twist and ends exactly the way I had hoped that it would. With the door WIDE WIDE OPEN for a sequel.

REFLECTIONS OF PANMAN

As I watched this movie...for whatever reason I took it seriously. And for whatever reason...so did my friends. Maybe its because somebody made a movie and sent it to us specifically to watch it. And you know me...bad movies are serious business. So we watched it, prepared to be pretty critical of it if need be. I was prepared to be MASSIVELY disappointed with the story. I was quite certain that it’d start out strong (and it did, holy shit it did) but then just kinda peter out to one long drawn out movie. I was prepared for really bad acting, sub-par effects, and to regret ever getting excited for this movie. I was also so sure that this movie was going to be no longer than an hour.

But you know what friends...none of that happened. This movie is 90 minutes of precious GOLD! The first half hour is a fucking awesome romantic comedy, the next half hour is the history of Panman and of course Panman running around killing people, and the final half hour is the epic final battle...and lots of people get panned. The pacing in this movie is great. I don’t recall any one moment where I was twiddling my thumbs and thinking to myself, “Come on! PAN SOMEONE!” No, that didn’t happen. My eyes were served a delicious feast a la Panman. And I loved it.

This movie panned me in ways I never thought possible.

THE FUTURE OF PANMAN

The future rests SOLELY on your shoulders. First off…we need to spread the word. Join Panman on facebook, tell your friends to join him on facebook. Tell your friends, your family, coworkers, hobos on the street about Panman. Tell everybody! Open up a Twitter account for the sole purpose of propagandizing Panman. Then Panman needs to get onto DVD. THEN we have to buy that shit by the truckfull. And then once its made boatloads of money, I will get a sequel. I mean WE, we will get a sequel.

As far as sequel titles go, I vote for The Panman Cometh. Or perhaps we could go the way of the Batman Franchise. Panman Returns. Panman Forever. Panman & Robin. (oh dear god no) But then we have a glorious reboot with Panman Begins and The Chrome Knight. It’s gonna be awesome.

ALL GLORY TO THE PANMAN!

If you’ve read anything on this blog before you know that I’m a huge supporter of independent films. Independent films always seem to get the shaft by comparison to other more wealthier films. I think Panman could really be a great movie for everyone to enjoy but I deeply hope that it doesn't get pushed aside. It’s films like these that pave the way for more even crazier movies done by the filmmaker. Sure it’s ridiculous...it’s a dude killing people with pans. But isn’t that AWESOME? Come on, lighten up man. And its most definitely a movie that a large group of friends could enjoy. The comments just never stopped in my group.

So in short...Panman fucking rocked my socks off and you should try to get a copy. Also, add Panman on facebook. I hear he is a little more lenient on friends on facebook then with strangers in real life.

Don’t let the Panman get you...

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I originally started with 10 movies that I was going to have fight one another in a death match of doom! But just last weekend I saw 2 movies so full win so now I've upped the stakes and there will be TWELVE contenders in the Battle Royale. This is the fifth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Panman

There is a severe lack of pan in this game.

Strength: 10 (He can swing a pan lemme tell ya)
Speed: 2 (He is pretty slow. He mostly lingers around...not really running anywhere)
Edurance: 10 (He. Can. Go. All. The. WAY!)
Agility: 2 (I don't think I ever seen him bend. Not once. Ok...maybe to beat the guy with a pan.)
Offense: 10 (Oh yeah, he comes at you and doesn't stop til your DEAD!)
Defense: 1 (He is pretty prone to attack. He was duped by some college students.)
Recovery: 5 (Eh...)
Bleeding: 0 (No bleeding...he has a pan on his head)

Overall, Panman rates an average: 5.00 (Dammit Panman. I thought better of you. FIVE??? You're gonna have to do some training before the Royale.)