Monday, February 28, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Birdemic (2008) [NEW Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

I have found the Nexus.... and it is "Birdemic". Watching that movie was like... being wrapped inside Joy.
-My friend Truck
Forget everything I have ever said about "this movie is the greatest movie I have ever seen" or "this movie is so awesomely bad that I just can't express my love for it". Forget it. I often times say these things because it just so happens that at that really is the greatest thing I have ever seen. But I am far from ever seeing EVERYTHING. Until this. Birdemic. This is it my friends. Every couple generations something comes along that is so awful, so atrocious, so poorly done...that it takes your eyes and your ears witnessing it...experiencing believe that it is there. First there was Manos: The Hands of Fate...then there was Troll there is...

HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD! Seriously...this happens for 90 minutes. Well actually the first 45 minutes is spent setting up....nothing. Nothing at all. The only reason it is epic is because of how poorly directed and edited the scenes are. There are huge delays between conversations, the sound is all fucked you'll see the guy talking and there'll be a ton of background noise...and then you'll see the chick with absolutely NO background noise. And the shades of day are all messed up during conversations. Scenes constantly drag out 20 seconds longer than they really ought to. And all of these things...ALL OF THEM...will make you laugh until your eyes bleed and your gut explodes.
Oh yes. The last 45 minutes. Well you see...the poor direction and editing continues except now there are a shitload of .GIF vultures floating on the screen. And then we witness the group of people attempt to escape the terror filled invasion...while the rest of the world seemingly goes about its business. HAHAHAHA oh man, they're shooting out on busy highways and during traffic. Nobody else on the roads seems to give a shit about the .GIF birds. It's just so awesome.
Did I mention that they also explode?
The story revolves around this salesman that runs into a woman while eating alone at a restaurant. They have an awkward exchange and then the swap "cards." CALL ME! They do call each other...after about 10 minutes of watching the main character get in his car and drive places. Anyway, they hook up and have a hilarious date. Then they go back to this hotel for some sweet (no nudity) lovin...

I think the entire budget went into getting this chick in her bra and panties. 

Honestly, this movie is a huge WTF. All of us, right here, right now, could churn out something better than this movie. But for whatever insane reason...Birdemic is total fucking WIN. Everything about it is so bad and so wrong that you can't help but laugh. You'd really like to think that maybe this was done on purpose...but I just don't know how that could happen. But I don't care either way because this movie made me laugh more in 90 minutes than any other movie I've watched so far this year. Combined.

And this shit is on bluray!

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I originally started with 10 movies that I was going to have fight one another in a death match of doom! But I recently saw 2 movies so full of win that now I've upped the stakes and there will be TWELVE contenders in the Battle Royale. This is the sixth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Birdemic

Since this movie is ridiculous, so is his character.

Strength: 8 (They fly into things and explode a lot. I really hope that is an option)
Speed: 2 (I want to say they're fast but most of the time they're just kinda "hovering" on the screen)
Agility: 10 (They're birds, they can do whatever the fuck they want)
Offense: 10 (All offense baby. They attack and attack and attack...)
Defense: 1 (...but die so easily.)
Recovery: 1 (Nope. They fly and explode. Not much recovery from that)
Bleeding: 5 (I saw some blood, not a lot, but some.)

Overall, Birdemic rates an average: 5.88 (Whoa. I was certain it would do worse than that. And I even did a trial match with him and he faired pretty well actually. Looking forward to seeing him in action.)


  1. LOL! I never get tired of that clip :D

    Yeah, and who knew Birdemic would rank higher than Panman!!?! That's just not right.

  2. Holy shit, can you imagine if it came down to Birdemic vs Panman. That'd be EPIC.

  3. What a nice touch that Birdemic is flipping the bird. Well done.

  4. Birdemic looks like Coko B. Ware. I wonder if this entire film was made just to get that girl into her bra and panties...