Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve seen a lot of movies. Some of them are ground breaking, a lot of them are soul crushing. Some are the greatest movies ever, others are used to inspire suicide. But then there’s some that change your life forever. They inspire you. They move you. They show you things that you never thought possible. They pull at your emotions. Movies like Scarface, Rocky IV, Terminator 2, and…
“An evil scientist implants the brain of Michael, a murdered high school student, in an animatronic Tyrannosaurus. He escapes, wreaks vengeance on his high school tormentors and is reunited with his sweetheart Tammy. Together, the couple try to elude the mad scientist and the police and find a more appropriate vessel for Michael's brain.”
YES! This is the greatest thing to happen to me on YouTube since I was drunk at 3am that time and decided to watch Robowar.
This movie lives up to everything in that premise and so much more. This movie is made so poorly that you’d swear they were doing it on purpose.
When you see it you'll shit bricks.
You just can’t understand the immense amount of JOY I received from this movie. Not only does it incorporate fucking DINOSAURS into its ridiculous plot but it even has 2 rising stars in its midst. Denise Richards plays Tammy the hot little cheerleader who’s frustrated in love. And Paul Walker plays her wannabe boyfriend who charges through adversity (and being a T-Rex) to get her.
It’s SHOCKING they made a career after this.
Let’s talk about what makes this movie great. Hand over Fist best worst movie kind of great. As I’ve stated a million times already: Stupid awesome plot. Second: KNOWN actors (unknown at the time) that have no place being in this thing. It’s just a wonder to watch them and know how their lives turn out. (One’s cracked out of her mind and the other can’t get out of fast car movies) Third: The bad-o-meter is spiking on this one. This movie is a where’s waldo of boom mic’s. I know of 3 off the top of my head but you constantly see shadows and blatant mic’s dropping down during a scene. It’s just the best. Fourth: It just doesn’t give a fuck. T-Rex has short arms right? So tell me how it can reach past it’s face, dial a telephone, and put the receiver up to its ear? HOW? Could it just be a stagehand with a glove on? Noooo….that couldn’t be it. His arms are 6 feet long, that's it! He must be the stretch Armstrong of Tyrannosaurus’!
And the thing is, this movie is really light hearted and has that bad Jim Wynorski kids movie kind of a feel to it. The dialogue and the directing is just delivered in that same way but the T-Rex is really scary. Looking at the thing...it's got huge teeth, a deep roar, and it actually rips people to shreds. His foot slices a dudes chest open, he's biting people's heads and legs, it's all quite terrifying..... and that's what makes it awesome. It doesn't know WHAT it wants to be!
This movie is not good by any means. But if you love eye rolling awesomeness…you’ll love this movie. And it even stars Buck Flower, the guy who almost always plays a bum, AS A COP! HAHAHAHAHA
What the fuck am I doing?
You can’t go wrong with Tammy and the T-Rex. It’s so dumb it’s awesome. You’ll get drunk and watch this right now, if you know what’s good for ya.
Tooling around the internet and I see this thing and go in for a closer look:
It's New Years Eve and five hot party girls are tearing it up on the Las Vegas Strip . The night goes horribly wrong when they steal a car, take a wrong turn and find themselves trapped. They get kidnapped and held against their will in a underground research facility. Held captive, these beauties are used as guinea pigs in a diabolical plan. Can the girls escape the crazed scientists who want to use them as human lab rats in THE PANDORA EXPERIMENT?
Who will escape and who will die? Will any of them survive to tell the world about the deadly genetic mutants the lab has created? If the creatures get out, will the entire world be in grave peril? Can anything save us from mutant creatures of The PANDORA EXPERIMENT?
Whoa. Hot Party Girls. Las Vegas. Wrong Turn. Research Facility. Crazed Scientist. GENETIC MUTANTS!?
Oh wait there's more:
Directed by Mike L. Taylor, stars Noah Hathaway, Rachel Federoff, Michael Dorn, Destin Pfaff, Dave Fearless, Yasmine Yenganeh, Diana Terranova, Christine Nguyen, Jennifer Wenger, Bruna Rubio, Jon Mack, Tammy Klein, Rileah Vanderbilt, Robert Rhine, and Jenny Lin
Holy shit! WORF is in a movie with hot chicks in Vegas fighting mutants! YES! (And if you don't know, Noah Hathaway is the kid that played Atreyu in The Neverending Story. He was also in the first Troll movie) I hope a trailer comes soon because I'm hooked.
Check out their facebook page to check out other sexy pictures and to keep up to date with production.
I couldn't find a poster for this movie but I did find this fake Michael Bay FDR poster that looks badass so I figured....what the hell? Close enough right?
So, who's ready to see FDR gunning down Nazi Werewolves with a tommy gun?
I AM!!!!
Three things. SHUT THE FUCK UP EINSTEIN! and MARCO POLIO! and...
Synopsis from YouTube: In this throwback to the original 1966 Batman movie, FDR rides a "wheelchair of death" to stop the world from werewolves who carry the polio virus, including werewolf versions of Hitler, Mussolini, and Emperor Hirohito.
Everyone, this is Jacqui Holland, America’s next big thing. If you don’t know who she is then you need to listen up because she is quickly climbing the cinema ladder and soon she will be the biggest thing to happen to film since they figured out women look great on screen.
I don’t need to tell you that this woman is beautiful. You can see that for yourself.
Here.
Here.
and here.
What I’d rather discuss is the circumstances to which brought me to write about her. I was sitting around on the couch watching Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (aka the greatest movie ever. Review soon.) and there came a scene with a cute little blond flirting with Kevin Sorbo. As she spoke, I recognized her voice. I recognized it from somewhere. She has a very unique voice, kind of one of those “OHMIGAWD” kind of deliveries (but way cuter) and I knew I had heard it somewhere before. But where?
You all know how much I love Full Moon and their fantastic brand of film. It took all of 30 seconds on IMDb to make that connection. I couldn’t believe it. I managed to track down someone that has a minor role in one movie to that same person that has another minor role in another movie. And neither movie is all that popular! (YET.)
What does this mean? Am I just that good at picking out people? Do I just watch too many obscure movies? OR…is Jacqui Holland someone special?
Oh fuck yes, Ninja Turtles!
Jacqui Holland is special. Hands down, guaranteed, 100%, prime cut, high class, world class, first class, ready to order, special. She isn’t just another sexy woman playing a dumb blonde. I’ll admit, that’s the only roles I’ve seen her in BUT she brought something to them that made me notice her and that’s what’s important. You like her. She’s friendly, flirty, and someone you want to hang out with. She has a presence on the screen that is extremely rare. Normally, you just watch a movie and there’s a hot chick and then whatever, she’s served her purpose. But Jacqui somehow did that and made a lasting impression. I want to see more of this girl. I want to see what other kinds of characters she can bring to life.
I don't know what this is but I need 5 of them.
Here’s what really compels me to write this article. Here’s Jacqui Holland, the adorable girl next door, and then you look at her IMDb page and you see this huge list of movies she’s in. A lot of them are shorts, a lot of them are minor roles in some impressively mainstream movies. Then you see a movie called “Hotel Arthritis”, which is at the time of this article, in post-production. Allow me to drop you the synopsis from IMDb:
“Senior citizens are being offed by a masked killer who stalks the halls of the small retirement community in which they live. The story opens with a terrifying murder, creating space on the waiting list for Rose to move in. Upon Rose's arrival, she is taken on a tour of the grounds by the quirky, offbeat manager of the joint: Dale. The odd and brightly colored characters continue to pop up as Fanny, her Jewish gossiping neighbor, introduces Rose to "The gang." The routine of daily life is all stirred up at the moment. People are disappearing, there's talk of a ghost, and to top things off, there's an STD outbreak. As terror rises throughout the building, the fear of who's next and who the killer may be, continues to grow. We find ourselves in a game of "Who-done-it?" Is it Desperella, the ground's custodial manager? Is it Kitty, the sexy activities director? Or Zeke, her punk rock boyfriend? Maybe it's one of the elder folks suffering from dementia or seeking some sort of revenge. Full of laughs and full of scares, you'll be on the edge of your seats from the moment you enter the world of the Lake View Retirement Home: The place where people come to live... until they die!”
YES! That sounds EXACTLY like the kind of movie that belongs on this blog. But that’s really not what matters. What matters is that Jacqui co-wrote it.
Not only is Jacqui an interesting actress but she’s also a writer. AND a producer! It’s all recent work but to me that’s very impressive. This woman is actively seeking out her work. She’s making it happen. She just doesn’t take any role she can in order to be an actress. She’s making herself an actress. She’s making herself a filmmaker. She’s learning every aspect there is to making a movie. So much so that in conjunction with actor/writer/producer/director Jason Lockhart they have formed their own production company called J-Star Pictures. One click glance at the homepage and you see in the title "Fun Filmmaking". That just tells me that Jacqui is making the films that she wants to make. Not taking what she can get but actually MAKING it.
And to me, that is both inspiring and very interesting. That means this person is someone to look out for. She’s going places. She wants this. If she can keep up the pace she has so far, I can see her making something out of herself. And I, for one, can’t wait to see that day. Until then, I’ll be the lowly voice shouting to the world that I knew Jacqui Holland before knowing Jacqui Holland was cool.
Turtle vs Bat. Whoever wins...doesn't matter, that's fucking awesome.
I gotta hand it to him, Gyaos is one bad motherfucker. So far upon watching 3 Gamera movies (2 of which he has real opponents) Gyaos tops the fucking cake. To get you up to speed in the event you have not read my previous Gamerareviews, Gamera is a skyscraper size turtle that eats and breathes fire. It can also retract all of its limbs and then start a launch sequence out of each hole and it will spin up into the air and fly around. (I never get tired of describing him) So, what is a Gyaos exactly? Well, Gyaos is named for the bizarre noise he makes when he’s fucking shit up. GYAOS! GYAOS! GYAOS! Roughly translated it means: Fuck You.
We rollin, they hatin
Gyaos is more or less a giant bat. Why he’s so big and why he’s so badass is never really explained. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Gyaos can fly. So this naturally makes for some of the greatest mid air fights between a 300 foot tall Bat and a 300 foot tall flying turtle. Gyaos can also shoot FUCKING LASERS out of his mouth. Gyaos uses this several times throughout the movie. His first use of it is to cut an airplane full of passengers in half. The airplane splits and half a dozen people immediately fall to their deaths while the rest of the wreckage scatters across Japan. It’s easily the greatest thing ever.
That is until this reporter tries to get in close for some pictures. He takes this kid along because he knows the area better than he does. So when they get to the cave where Gyaos is living and when Gyaos wakes up and is ready to start whippin’ ass, and then rocks and shit start falling all around them. The kid is screaming and begging for help and the reporter....just blows him off and runs away, leaving the kid to his doom. HAHAHAHA
Before I continue, I just want to get a couple more things about Gyaos out of the way. First off, he has 2 spines. This is why he can shoot lasers. (Because they work like a tuning fork) Second, He is nocturnal and only comes out at night. Third, he can stand up straight on the ground, flap his wings and demolish every tree and building right in front of him with the power of his wingflaps. And finally, his most important ability...he shoots poisonous yellow mist from his nipples.
Rest assured that nothing in your life will ever be this awesome.
Now, we can’t forget Gamera. As amazing as he is...he’s really been kind of a chump these last couple of movies. He let Barugon get the better of him with it’s dick tongue freeze ray and now Gyaos waltz’s in and blasts him to shit with its mouth laser. TWICE he is put out of commission before he has a good shot at doing anything useful. But I guess that’s how you move a story along, there isn’t much else to tell about Gamera. He just has to take some punches and come through in the end right? Well, Gamera baaaarrrely pulls through on this one. Gyaos just has too many weapons at his disposal and Gamera is fucked over continuously....that is until he wises up. You see, since Gyaos has two spines, he can’t turn his head. So if you get behind him...he’s totally fucking fucked. Gamera, in his infinite wisdom, flies up into the air and over the head of Gyaos and then pins him down like a prison bitch. He then clamps down his mouth around his throat and draaaaaaags Gyaos up the mountain and chucks him into a volcano.
Done and Done.
What I liked most about this installment of the Gamera series is that it wasted little time getting into the big monster action. (And Gamera bleeds in this one) There wasn’t any stupid side plot involving greed or some other moral. It’s just two big monsters kicking each other’s ass. I think this movie is good largely in part to Gyaos. He has SO many weapons of destruction that the humans can’t keep up with him. After each battle with Gamera, the humans try to pick up the slack while Gamera heals himself. They try shooting at it, they try dropping bombs on it, and they even brilliantly try to lure it on a platform so they can spin it around and around to get Gyaos dizzy enough to pass out until the sun comes up. (The Sun is Gyaos’ Achilles heal. That’s why he only comes out at night because UV Radiation causes him to shrink) But in the end it’s just Gamera dragging that sumbitch into a volcano that does the trick.
There still is an annoying kid infatuated with Gamera that keeps getting into trouble. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid if I saw a giant monster like that near me I’d be high tailing it the other way. (But, being a kid and WATCHING this movie, I'd completely be rooting for the big guy) Whatever, this is essentially a kids movie so I can forgive it. I just have to accept that this is what these movies are and just love them for it. It isn’t so bad this time...and it is pretty hilarious when that guy just leaves him in the cave.
So to conclude, if you need to watch any of the Gamera movies, start with the first one and then watch this one. I know Gyaos makes a return at least twice in some later installments. He is included on that trilogy of movies from the 90s that comes after this era of Gamera. I can’t wait to see this thing modernized with better effects and I think they actually make him scary again so that will be awesome.
That being said, if you plan on watching some Gamera, you’re going to HAVE to watch this one. You’ll need it to get to know Gyaos a little better for when he shows up again later in the series. And honestly, this movie is pretty fun anyway. And Gyaos, well Gyaos is just one bad mother fucker.
Rubber is a movie that is completely aware of its badness. (Not a movie about a killer condom. That would be this movie) It's so aware of it's badness that it even tries to kill itself at one point in the movie. It fortunately fails and I’m happy that it did.
Rubber is a movie about a killer…tire. Oh yes, that just proves that we really HAVE NOT seen it all. And the tire’s name is Robert. (HAHAHAHA!!) Who has telekinetic powers. So basically it’s car tire with the ability of a scanner.
YYYYEEESSSSS!!!
This is currently on Netflix Instant and available everywhere on DVD. Fuck this review, go watch it now. Trust me. It’s awesome.
This movie starts out with a guy walking up to the camera and giving the audience a message about nonsense in movies. The camera pans off and we see the “real” audience…a bunch of people sitting on a hill watching the killer tire through binoculars. The movie constantly switches from the sweet tire action (aka the movie) to the crowd of spectators (aka the audience). And the spectators comments mirrored my thoughts almost exactly, trying to make sense of the motivations of a murderous tire. It's so awesome I want to cry.
The tire itself is pretty pissed that its all alone in the desert. So it makes its way towards the road…blowing up small animals on its way. (It starts small like with tin cans and stuff but it eventually works its way up to blowing up a rabbit, it's just so fucking awesome) Then, all of a sudden, it is hit by a passing truck and decides that that fucker needs to die. So he goes around blowing people up left and right.
The amount of explosions is just so awesome. You’ll be cheering wildly every 5-10 minutes. The time between explosions is spent awkwardly watching the audience as they watch the movie. (This is fucking hard to write out. I hope you understand it.) And it is at one point that this movie tries to kill itself. It does so by sending a character up with some food for all the participants but one in particular says he's not hungry and doesn't eat it. Shortly after, everyone dies except this man. He's a little smarter than this movie and he saw it coming. But, he wants to see the ending. So while all the people IN this movie try to wrap it up and go home, they are forced to continue because there is still an audience for it. So they scramble to continue and finish their story of Robert, the killer tire. And the man in the audience that survives is none other than:
So, the movie continues and we witness many more amazing tire related deaths. And then it comes to a violent and awesome end. I don’t want to give any of it away but it ends exactly the way that it should. Confusing, hilarious, and lusting for more.
And setting itself up for a sequel. (YYYESSS!!!)
Why? No reason.
This philosophy of filmmaking is absolutely brilliant. You don't really see it coming. You just see random things happening, an epic speech, something odd, but it all comes together so well. This movie is too smart for its own good. I just love the way this movie is presented. This could have just been another plain old "Tire on the loose" movie but no. The writer took it further and gave it a mind. This movie knows things about itself. It knows it exists and that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It knows that we're watching. It knows that it's ridiculous. It knows these things but it tells it to you with a straight face. That's the important part. This movie talks to you directly but never once does it seem like it's a joke. These characters know what they are and what they're doing. No fucking around. That's why this movie is so good. It's absurd, it's crazy, and it tries to make sense of itself WITH you.
2012: Supernova is what happens when you have a bad idea and then follow through with it. Such is the case with my decision to watch this movie.
I watched this movie for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to get a good start on some destruction movies for 2012. Second, the cover art was kinda cool. Third, this movie stars Brian Krause: Star of Loch Ness Terror and Camel Spiders. (Also the TV show Charmed HAHAHAHA) So, I was like, what the hell. There could be some merit in this thing.
Press Play.
“The Asylum Presents…”
Ah, Dammit! Not again.
The Asylum has always been hit or miss with me. Mostly miss. But 2011 and 2012 have been racking up some fun titles so I’m still going to keep my eye on their product. But never again with 2012: Supernova.
2012: Supernova tells the story of a small group of international scientists working together to stop a global threat. Several million years ago some star went supernova. Now, the radiation from the supernova explosion is on a collision course with Earth. The only way to stop it is to blow up a fuckton of nuclear devices around Earth’s Mesosphere (?), the layer of atmosphere that protects the Earth from radiation. These nuclear explosions will aid the atmosphere in deflecting the radiation and saving everyone from a grisly amazing death.
Well, that premise is pretty original I guess. I’ve certainly never watched a movie with that stupid premise before.
The thing is, they don’t have enough nuclear bombs to do this thing properly. Here’s where I get a little confused. I could have sworn they’ve been working on this problem for a long time. Why are they just all of a sudden putting bombs up there last minute? Whatever, doesn’t matter I guess. Stop thinking Gable, just fucking stop thinking.
This movie is ass. The cinematography is terrible. The lighting guy must’ve been on vacation because everything is way too dark. (or he was given a $20 gift card to Home Depot and told to "make it happen") The director must’ve failed geometry because he can’t figure out more than one angle to shoot a scene. Oh man, it’s just rancid. I have seen worse and I have reviewed worse, but I expect a liiiiiiiitle more from my Asylum movie.
This movie makes me want to start a petition to let ME direct an Asylum movie.
There are some good things about this thing. Brian Krause…is actually pretty terrible. But he does add some to this movie. I think he needs a competent director to tell him how to do things or he can’t portray a character very well. He was amazing in Loch Ness Terror, he had that shit down pat. Not so much here. But I can’t fault him for that, that’s the fucking director man. Anyway, back to the good things about this movie. You know the phrase good things come in small packages? This movie’s good things come in mini-scenes. The “story” will happen for a few minutes and then a 5 second clip of the radiation wave destroying a planet will show up on the screen. The CGI, the sound, the look, the feel, the all around manly destruction of it all is very intense. And then they cut back to the cardboard warroom and we, the audience, grab another tissue to cry in.
Brian Krause: Acting...or shitting his pants. I can't tell.
This movie could’ve been better. And if it had been worse, it would have been GREAT! But there just wasn’t anything redeemable about it. There was nothing fun about it. There wasn’t anything bad enough to be good. The characters were bland and uninteresting. Everything felt like it was shot in my basement. With my camera. And there just wasn’t enough AWESOME destruction going on to keep it going.
But if you need a movie to watch while you’re cleaning the house or doing laundry, this movie is PERFECT!
It was about a year ago when I first caught wind this movie existed. Then the director, Lewis Schoenbrun, emailed me and we talked for a few emails and then he offered me a screener of the film. Of course, I accepted. I later reviewed it and it became part of the 2011 Bad Movie Battle Royale. Now, April 17th, The Amazing Bulk is coming to DVD.
(If you click that last link there, you'll find a vast treasure trove of amazingness nobody knew they wanted to see)
Synopsis:
Henry “Hank” Howard, an ambitious young scientist, struggles to develop a superhuman serum designed to improve muscle mass and prolong life expectancy. His boss, the grumpy General Darwin, will not allow Hank to marry his daughter, Hannah, until the experiment is a success. Against Darwin's wishes Hank proposes to Hannah anyway, but his life is shattered by a mugger who steals his engagement ring. Dejected, Hank injects himself with the experimental serum and is transformed into the Amazing Bulk.
The Bulk goes on a rampage through the city, destroying everything in his path. Hank is caught by a relentless detective, imprisoned by Darwin, and forced to battle the sadistic Dr. Kantlove, who threatens to blow up the moon with his arsenal of weapons.
I have one name to say to you that will pretty much tell you whether or not you’re going to be into this movie or not. Rachel Talalay. She wrote and directed Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare. Now, I assume all you have seen the Nightmare on Elm Street series and it “kinda” ends with Freddy’s Dead. Going through the series it pretty much gets sillier and crazy as it goes along. And I fucking loved it. Now, if you are the kind of person that liked Freddy’s Dead, then you’ll probably have the same kind of tastes in movies that will allow you to enjoy the glory that is Tank Girl. Also directed by Rachel Talalay.
I love her IMDb credits. Freddy’s Dead. Some movie called Ghost in the Machine. And then Tank Girl. And then it’s a B-line to TV street from then until now. I think she has a series case of the Fred Dekker’s, make 3 movies, none of them go over very well, nobody gives you work ever again.
Anyway, off topic. Let’s talk about Tank Girl. I fucking LOVED this movie when I was a kid. I rented it way too many times. I just thought it was the greatest gods damn thing ever. But then society moved on and tried to bury it in its dust.
Well over a decade later I find it again. I have it in my possession and then I wait: Because only a movie of this caliber must be watched in the year of our destruction: 2012. So here we are, 2012, and Tank Girl is taking over!
The story is extremely bizarre and difficult to explain but I’ll do my best. It’s the post apocalypse. A comet hit the Earth 11 years ago and it hasn’t rained once since. A global corporation (Water & Power) control everything. They have the water, they have the power. Tank Girl is hanging in the outskirts with her band of revolutionaries when they are suddenly stormed by W&P and she’s taken captive. She is then forced to do a job for W&P, she must find a group of thieves called The Rippers. They are a serious thorn in W&P’s side. So Tank Girl goes to find them but not before recruiting a new side kick: Jet Girl. So together they find the Rippers. The Rippers happen to be the end result of a mutation of Human and Kangaroo. (HAHAHAHAHA) So, from there they become friends and together they head out to take out W&P forever.
And implied Kangaroo sex happens. Originally supposed to be REAL Kangaroo/Human Sex.
Besides the Kangaroo part that actually sounds like a pretty groovy story. The thing I leave out though is all the BALLS OUT WACKINESS. Tank Girl is a poster child for the fashion revolution. She dons, at minimum, 300 outfits in this movie. Each of them tight spandex and checkered/overly colored/fluffy/shiny/and oh so naughty. There is even a musical number smack dab in the middle. Tank Girl’s personality is that of a 5 year old trapped in 25 year old’s body. Her comebacks are always hilarious. Like, she lips off to the people at W&P so they put her in a straight jacket and shove her in a freezer for several days. Then the leader of W&P comes in to check on her and the first words out of her mouth are, “Geez, it sure is hard to play with myself in this thing.” HAHAHAHA I love you Tank Girl.
And the Kangaroo guys. Oh man, I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I loved this as a kid. Hell yes! Kangaroos! Kicking ass! And one of them is Ice-T!
A role which certainly helped him win a shot at Law & Order.
WHA-WHA-WHAT!? Yes, yes it’s true. The tough guy Ripper is none other than Ice-T in the pinnacle of his career. This movie is actually quite strife with talent. Jet Girl is played by an up and coming Naomi Watts. She is extremely wantable in this movie. She is to the movie Tank Girl what Kaylee is to the TV show Firefly. She’s a cute girl, she wears glasses, she’s a mechanic, she loves electronics, she’s a total nerd, and even though she does everything in her power to be unsexy, you can’t help but be attracted to her the most.
Want.
Then there’s the immortal Malcolm McDowell. I swear he does these kinds of movies as a vent for some internal insanity he needs to release so he can perform better during his better roles. Like, he did Cyborg 3 to get his craziness out so he could perform better in Star Trek: Generations and then did Tank Girl to wind down from that epic performance. I just love that man. His voice, his presence, any time he’s in a movie I’ll watch it. That guy just makes everything better.
Couple more things I’d like to mention before I wrap this up. Tank Girl is actually based off a british comic strip. So as you’re watching the movie, there are a SHITLOAD of comic stuff flashing on the screen. The opening credits are all over a backdrop of comics. Transitions between scenes feature comics. Times when they’d rather not spend the money on a “rebuilding a machine” montage, they instead crank sound effects over a backdrop of comics. It’s actually pretty cool and I liked that aspect of this movie.
Also, the guy that wrote this also wrote Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines so take from that what you want. (I liked that one too)
And finally, the special effects in this movie are quite amazing. The green screen effects are done with precision and are rather convincing. The models and real props are very impressive. The Tank itself is pretty sweet. It's kind of shocking that a movie of this caliber was able to come up with the budget that it did. I can't imagine trying to pitch this movie to someone and expecting to walk away with millions of dollars to make it. Somehow they managed to get it and that makes this movie all the better.
So we have hated Director, hated Writer, a good cast, a crazy post apocalyptic story, a ton of action, Jets, Tanks, things blowing up, Kangaroo mutants, a musical number, lots of pretty colors, sexy, fun punk rock music, a good cast, swearing, blood, and a guy getting the water sucked out of his body. Throw that all in a blender and what do you get?
The greatness that is: TANK GIRL. Watch it. (Currently available on Netflix Instant)
After first witnessing Gammera The Invincible for the first time nunchucking that fucking train, I had to continue watching the series. There’s over 10 sequels so I’m pretty excited to watch those. So after glancing at the Wikipedia page, I found the order they were released in and continued my journey through Gamera. It can only get more epic as they go on, right?
Short Answer: No.
The story begins with the end of Gammera The Invincible. If you’ll remember, Gammera was launched into outer space and is on his way to Mars. We discover that the rocket Gammera is inside is struck by a meteor (clever) and has now reversed course and is headed back to Earth. Once there, Gamera breaks loose and starts kicking ass right away.
Well, the movie decides to take a 30 minute break from that WIN to go ahead and explore a cave. This group of bad guys is in search of a giant opal. It’s gold and very rare…and obviously worth a lot of money. The tribespeople warn them not to take it, bad things happen to those that enter the cave. Well, after a swift “FUCK YOU!” they take it anyway and laugh in the face of the tribespeople.
They get the opal back to the city. After some unnecessary dramatic scenes, the opal cracks. It’s actually a FUCKING EGG! (clever) The monster inside (Barugon) grows to mammoth proportions and starts tearing shit up! Gamera apparently has monster-radar and flies in to kick its ass. Barugon has a long tongue that is equipped with an ice ray and Barugon promptly puts Gamera in his place and freezes him. So then we take another 30 minute break from them fighting and then we go on this journey of values and human greed…with some shots of Barugon tearing up buildings and getting shot at by the military. Then Gamera finally breaks free of his icy prison and gets Barugon in a sleeper hold, drags him into the water (more on that in a minute) and puts that bitch out to sea.
Game(ra) Over.
This movie was a let down. I was really pumped to see some more Gamera ass whipping but he was barely in the movie! His return to Earth was a thing of genius and should be archived for eternity (I could have never thought up a meteor!) but after that…nothing. Just a big waste of time. Then when he does show up to show Barugon that there’s only room enough in Japan for one monster, he’s frozen right away and stays that way until the end of the movie. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!?? Barugon is the worst monster in history (of the few monsters I have seen so far) and he put Gamera out of his misery right away. Fuck you, it’s not possible.
I desperately need to discuss Barugon. He is easily the GAYEST monster I have ever seen. He is almost literally FLAMING gay. His tongue that I spoke about earlier….it looks like a long throbbing penis. That ice ray of his? Jizz. White jizz spits out the end of his cock tongue…that comes out of his mouth. And he also crawls around on all fours…so that makes him more feminine to all other “manly” monsters. He is also horny. There’s a big horn jutting out the front of his snout. And he makes this horrible orgasm screech every 5 seconds. OH! And he SHITS RAINBOWS. Honest to fucking god, SHITS RAINBOWS. He has this Rainbow attack that comes out of his ass and anything that touches it is instant toast. HAHAHAHA that fucking weapon sent me spinning. It’s about the craziest most awesome gay thing ever.
Barugon: Destroying cities and looking FABULOUS!
And finally, his weakness is water. He is apparently involverable to most anything but water…he is powerless against water (because of the freeze ray and stuff) so he melts (I can’t quite remember how he dies, but water kills him). There’s only one thing that comes to mind: The Wizard of Oz. GAAAAAY.
Hey, I love Oz too, I even love Return to Oz, but it’s no man-filled Die Hard.
Alright, enough pissing off all you readers. I mean no disrespect, I love making fun of all of you. Especially whitey, which is torn to pieces aplenty in this movie as well. Most notably…white mans Greed. That’s all we are, greedy. So greed created (Big Gay) Barugon, not the opal. Greed is the reason for all the evil in the world. And it is. I have no argument against that. I’d love to live in a Star Trek type universe where money isn’t our driving force. What a wonderful place that would be. So, all the kids that this movie was aimed at, could walk away with that value. Greed is evil, don’t be greedy.
That being said, please donate $5 to Mr. Gable’s Reality. I ain’t doing this for my health!
So I'm sitting down in my basement watching Scream of the Banshee and I decide to hop on IMDb and do some tooling around. 'Scream' has Lance Henriksen in it so I decide to see what he's up to. Then I find a movie in post production titled, "Bring me the Head of Lance Henriksen".
Before I knew what I was doing I was already on the page. HOLEE SHIT. Let me just throw the synopsis at you:
When 80s B-movie icon Tim Thomerson wakes up day to realize the acting roles are not coming his way any more, he sets out on a quest to find his former co-star Lance Henriksen to discover his secret of Hollywood longevity and gets more than he bargained for in the process.
It's like the filmmakers crawled into my brain and scooped out the idea for a movie that I've always wanted! Even JOHN SAXON makes an appearance. I love this movie already. No matter what Hollywood puts out, we will NEVER forget the 80s and the heroes that existed there.
This movie is going to be the pinnacle of this years entertainment. (assuming it comes out this year). I think its safe to say that this movie WILL be movie of the year. Hands down.
Not even a day after I changed the format of this blog to feature giant lizards killing each other than do I receive an email from one Peter H. Brothers with a press release for his book: Mushroom Clouds and Mushroom Men - The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda.
Ishiro Honda is the guy that first directed the original Godzilla and quite a few others like Rodan and Mothra. He's an amazing man and I look forward to talking about him and his films in great detail over the next year. But if you are already a fan or looking to find more information on this particular brand of cinema, then by all means buy the book on Amazon and read about it now!
From the Press Release:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Agoura Hills, California
“MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN -- The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda” by Peter H. Brothers.
For the first time outside Japan a book has been published on Japan's foremost director of Fantasy Films: “MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN – The Fantastic Cinema of Ishiro Honda” (AuthorHouse, ISBN: 978-1-4490-2771-1).
Known primarily for directing such classic Japanese monster movies as Rodan, Mothra, Attack of the Mushroom People and the original Godzilla, Ishiro Honda (1911 - 2011) has been an undeservedly overlooked figure in mainstream international cinema.
MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN is the first book to cover in English print Honda’s life as well comprehensively evaluates all 25 of his fantasy films. It is also gives objective and critical analysis of Honda's filmmaking methods, themes and relationships with actors and technicians.
Making use of extensive interviews from Honda’s colleagues as well as a wealth of original source material never before gathered into one volume (including previously-unpublished essays) and nominated in 2009 for a “Rondo Award,” MUSHROOM CLOUDS AND MUSHROOM MEN is an affectionate tribute to the most-prolific and influential director in the history of fantasy films.
(Three-time “Rondo” Award Nominee Peter H. Brothers is also the author of the new horror-novel Devil Bat Diary).
Gammera the Invincible, where have you been all my life? You all need to see this. And I’ll tell you why:
Gammera starts out with the American military. I was expecting a full-on Japanese Godzilla type movie but there is actually quite a bit of America in this movie. (at least in the version I watched, there are 2 versions of this movie, 1 with American scenes, 1 without) Anyway, there are four Russian airplanes headed towards them in the Arctic Circle, each of them armed with a nuclear bomb. The Americans shoot one of them down in and it promptly detonates the nuke, cracking the ice and unleashing….GAMMERA!
A 200 foot tall walking turtle. That breathes FIRE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
But wait, there’s more!
So Gam Gam is pretty pissed off. You just don’t wake up someone like that, you know? So he trots along and destroys everything he comes across. He fucks up a cargo ship, he stomps on a few people, lights things on fire, and then he smells something funky over in Tokyo and decides that it needs to be flatter.
Don’t worry, the American and Japanese governments are working together to kill Gammera. They got a plan. They’re gonna slow it down with a freeze ray and then blow it to hell. So that happens and when the bombs detonate, Gammera is tossed over onto his back and he’s fucked harder than Lindsey Lohan over summer break.
Yeah! America has won! Gammera is dead! Hooray!
Oh shit, what’s he doing? His head and legs are retracting into his body. What the ... ? Fire! Fire is shooting out from every hole in his shell, he’s spinning up into the air, HOLY FUCKING FUCK IT CAN FLY!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
Upside down and spinning round and round and round. I'm impressed.
Gammera is a 200 foot tall walking fire breathing FLYING TURTLE! It does NOT get more bad ass than that.
So the world is then predominantly fucked. Gammera starts fucking shit up in Japan...again. He knocks buildings over, being generally pleased with himself. But for some reason or another, there is a boy that is infatuated with him. He is to Gammera what all 13 year old girls are to the Bieber. He might even be telepathically linked to him somehow. But whatever, the kids an idiot.
The government then trys to kill Gammera with fire. But Gammera eats fire so that fails. When this happens there is also a long train filled with fuel headed towards Gammera and he picks it up like it’s a set of nunchucks. God, that was awesome. And that stupid fucking kid was on the train trying to give Gammera a hug (or something). But they save the kid just in time.
NEW PLAN. They are going to lure Gammera to a giant paddock, encapsulate him in a giant sphere, and launch his ass to Mars. (Sounds perfectly reasonable) Since there is very little running time left in the movie, this all happens swiftly and effortlessly and the world is safe from yet another giant monster.
Where the fuck did all these things come from? The ice ray? The giant ship to Mars? Even if the ship had already existed for a surprise trip, how the fuck did they get it retrofitted to encapsulate a 200 foot tall monster?
The answers don’t matter. I shouldn’t even be asking them. You know why? Because Gammera is AWESOME that’s why.
I know I spoiled most of the movie but it’s still a gem to watch. It doesn’t matter that you know what’s going to happen, it’s a giant flying fire breathing TURTLE! You can’t go wrong.
I can’t wait to watch the NUMEROUS sequels that follow.
You can find Gammera the Invincible pretty much everywhere. You can buy the DVD on Amazon, you can find this in pretty much every Sci-Fi 50 Pack in existence, I watched it on a free movie channel that came with my Roku Player, I'm sure you can download it somewhere for free, OR you can just stick around here for awhile and watch it right now:
Introducing a new year of Mr. Gable. Introducing a new "vision" for my reality. Introducing the
D.aysO.fO.urM.ayanD.estiny!
WE ARE ALL DOOM'D!! ALL OF US!! 2012 has finally arrived and it's time for all of us to tuck our necks betwixt our legs and kiss are flaming sphincters goodbye!
In honor of our demise, Mr. Gable's Reality will be celebrating ALL YEAR by reviewing:
Post Apocalypse movies
Post-Nuke movies
Giant Monster movies
Alien Invasion movies
Disaster movies
and anything demonstrating just how many amazing ways we are going to die! (Look for the post title "DOOM'D" at the beginning of my reviews this year and you'll discover a new and erotic way to die!)
All of this will tie into the 2012 Bad Movie Battle Royale, the October 31 Baddest Days of Halloween countdown, (bad movie gods willing: a fucking podcast), and of course this will lead into a very special, almost brutal, December 21, 2012 celebration of our inevitable destruction! (to be announced later this year)
Join me this year as we countdown our final days together in the greatest way possible:
