DOOM'D Review: Spaced Invaders (1990)

This is a review that’s been a long time coming. It should’ve been here ages ago…but that’s ok. It’s here, it’s hip, and it’s still the greatest movie ever.

This movie is a staple of my LIFE. If you want to know what it is to be a part of Mr. Gable…you only need to watch Spaced Invaders. It has everything I’ve come to love about movies today. Crazy story, fun adventures, amazing practical effects, hilarious dialogue, robots, rednecks, old men with shotguns, and funky music. That being said, let the review begin:

CRAZY STORY: Martians exist and their battle fleet is heading to the Arturus system to kick some ass. The forcibly appointed new chancellor has commissioned new enforcer drones into every ship in the fleet. They’re rough, tough, and take don't know when to retreat. Turns out…that was a bad idea. The drones end up losing the battle and the entire fleet is wiped out. Except one ship. They’re out cruising around the asteroid belt trying to find the fleet to help kick some Arturan ass. They scour the cosmos for a signal and end up hearing a broadcast from Earth. This broadcast is Orson Well’s War of the Worlds. So the Martians mistakenly fly to Earth thinking there’s a grand takeover of this worthless planet. Turns out it’s Halloween and the Martians are in for some wacky hijinks as they try to figure out our world and how to take it over. They try to be scary but everyone thinks they’re in costume…which leads to one Martian exclaiming, “come on, let’s shoot our way outta this! They’re too stupid to live!” and then they come upon a country road and think it’s a minefield so one struts up confident that it is not and is hit by a pickup truck. They even come equipped with a vast amount of weaponry including a World Destruction Kit, a Donut of Destruction, and a little robot dude that is as cute as a puppy.

Adorable.

This is but a flicker of the greatness that makes up Spaced Invaders. The characters are a ball, the actors that voice the Martians are just awesome. The kids (including the girl that plays the pogostick girl in Tremors and the tech geek in Jurassic Park) are not annoying at all. The black kid with a lisp…greatest dude ever. And it all comes down to the Martians needing to get back to space or their ship will explode…taking the Earth with it.

SPECIAL EFFECTS: This movie, along with the ninja turtle movies, solidified my affection for practical special effects. The Martian heads were all built, all animatronic, and done extremely well. The eyes move, the mouths move in more ways than I can figure out, their antennae move, it’s all so lifelike. OR…they hired real Martians, which is a fantasy I enjoy pretending happened. And not just the animatronics were good, the way they shot the ship flying around and all that…the models for this movie were extremely realistic. The way the ship took off and kept crashing because of an engine malfunction across an open field…it’s so realistic you’d swear it happened. I could barely spot a green/blue screen. Whoever did the special effects for this movie…you are what I live for.

FUNKY MUSIC: Oh yeah, this happens:

REDNECKS AND THE OLD MAN WITH A SHOTGUN: HAHAHAHA you just can’t pull a movie like this off without some rednecks and old men with shotguns. The rednecks are too stupid to figure out that they’re being invaded by Martians and when they do finally figure it out…their solution is to round up a posse of drunken rednecks with shotguns to blow them away. And the old man with a shotgun…I just love that guy. You would recognize him as the old man from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He carries this movie. The Martians crash in his barn and he takes it upon himself to capture them…and then blow them up. He loves dynamite and cackles wildly. He is who I want to be.

Bad movies be damned.

I really want you to watch this movie. It’s one of those that I used to watch all the time and that I’ll continue to watch forever. I never grow tired of it. Even just watching it the other day reminded me the power this movie has over me. I still watched it with wide eyed wonder…this is a really cool flick. It’s fun, it’s cheesy, it’s everything you want in a movie.

This is the only trailer I could find. NONE of this dialogue is in the movie...and the voices are completely different. But...it gives you a taste of what to expect from Spaced Invaders.

For the finer points of this movie (and a hell of a lot of spoilers), please watch this video as well:

You can buy it on Amazon for about $8. I've also seen it on ebay for about that price or lower. Worth the money.

You voted! You're next contestant for the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

Last week you voted for your favorite to entire the Iron Cage at the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 and here is the results:

The Top 2 leaders were Robowar and Yor: The Hunter From the Future with 7 votes each. After considering what to do about a tie I just gave up and decided that they are both worthy of a shot at the title for Supremely Bad Movie. Since I already have reviewed Robowar, I made a character for him. Look out soon for the Yor review and his eventual creation. Thanks to all who voted and we're this much closer to the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

 

Description, strategy, and finishing move to follow in the next list of combatants.

One day left to vote for YOUR favorite to enter the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

Only one day left to vote for your favorite in the Bad Movie Battle Royale! Get your votes in now! Currently, Robowar is leading with Yor: The Hunter from the Future, Black Devil Doll, and McBain trailing. Tell your friends, family, and anyone else with a computer to go to Mr. Gable's Reality and VOTE!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2012)

(Don't get too excited)

SIXTEEN. 16 is the number of minutes it takes to get through the opening credits/monologue/title screen. 16 is also the number of minutes it takes to get through the end credits. 16 times 2 is 32. This movie is 89 minutes long. 89 minus 32 is 57. This movie is 57 minutes long.

And about 15 of it contain Kevin Sorbo.

Let's start with the cover. It is my understanding that Albert Pyun, the director of this movie, had a different cover in mind but Lionsgate fought him and they ended up with the DVD cover above. There should at least be one half naked vampire on there. Minimum. And that brute behind Kevin Sorbo is in this movie for one scene. One that I can recall anyway. But he makes the cover and Michael Pare is just stuck hoping to get some kind of career back.

That's a little better.

And speaking of Pare, you ever see Streets of Fire? It's only one of the most 80s-tastic movies ever made. And one of Walter Hill's finest. And Michael Pare is the lead. He was awesome in that movie. But after Streets of Fire his career just crashed. He's been nowhere and in nothing of importance. And his acting has suffered severely. I'll admit, I haven't seen many of his movies so comparing his acting in ToaAE to SoF is about all I got going for me....but man, he just doesn't care any more. I've never really noticed "wooden" acting before but I've read some reviews that mention Pare's wooden acting in not only this movie but several other ones so I paid a little closer attention to it and WOW. Stiff as a board, he is.

Gives me hope that one day, I, can make a career as a 2x4.

Alright, now to Tales of an Ancient Empire. I hate myself for ever being excited for this thing. I've seen Pyun movies before. They're all hit or miss for me. Like Nemesis...fucking awesome. Nemesis 3...rip my eyes out. Captain America 1990...fucking awesome. Captain America 1990 the Directors Cut...rip my eyes out. Tales of an Ancient Empire...shoot me now. Here, check out this trailer and tell me you're not excited for this:

• Sword and Sorcery
• Long Awaited sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982!)
• Naked Vampires
• Kevin Sorbo
• Sword Fights
• Hot Chicks
• Possible Nudity (which I'll tell you there is actual nudity in this movie)
• Adventure

It's all bullshit. You know what this movie is? FLASHBACKS. There's so many flashbacks you'll swear they threw you into a ball pit you bounce around so much. 2 months later, 2 years ago, 3 months later, and sometimes they don't even tell you, you fucking figure it out! BAH. That's the whole reason I shut off Nemesis 3, it kept fucking flashing back. I'm all about a good flashback but come on! The flashbacks in this movie take away from the one thing that this movie SHOULD be about:

ADVENTURE! There's none. Maybe 5 minutes worth. We bounce around the backstory SO MUCH that when it comes time to grab your swords and hunt down some vampires....well, they just grab their swords and go into the final fight. There's no adventures, no perils, they just show up and start killing everyone. And it's not even any fun.

The only thing that makes this movie worth watching is Kevin Sorbo. I love that man. He pretty much brings his Hercules character to this role...and thank god. I don't think I could stand anymore terrible acting from everyone else. They all try to play it as straight as possible. And not a straight in a good/bad way, it's a flat straight. Boring. But Sorbo, he plays a good ass grabby/drunk guy.

It's movies like this that detour me from watching Albert Pyun movies. He has a long list of movies and they all look awesome but every time I try to watch one they just aren't that great. He takes forever to convey his messages. He'll hold a scene for 5 minutes too long. He'll pad out his running time with credits...then more credits...then tell more story than is necessary. Why not just go back to the drawing board, write in more FUN things, and then tell a story. Don't flashback. Give a brief background of what's going on and then let's figure out this thing together through ADVENTURE and ACTION. This is sword and sorcery, we want less story and more swords. And Sorcery.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: 2 Headed Shark Attack (2012)

The most highly anticipated murdering shark movie of the year has arrived! We all knew this is the movie we never knew we wanted. We knew that the possibility was always there for a movie of this caliber, all it took was for one man to pull the trigger. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it happened. Fucking 2 HEADED SHARK ATTACK HAPPENED!

I spent an entire Sunday watching shark movies. I sat down and watched Swamp Shark, Sand Sharks, and 2 Headed Shark Attack. Not one of those movies is in any way a normal shark movie. One has sharks that move through SAND for crying out loud! What an epic day that was. I really wish I had more time to get into the epicness of Swamp Shark and Sand Sharks but I do not. (But I will say this: Swamp Shark has the original movie Buffy vs a big green Swamp Shark and Sand Sharks has a TaraReidinAloneintheDark-esque Brooke Hogan battling sharks that swim through sand. You know you need this)

So let’s talk about 2 Headed Shark Attack.

What more could you possibly say?

You watch this movie for one reason only…to see how many creative ways a 2 Headed Shark can tear apart sexy teens. (God Bless America) This movie does that successfully. So right off the bat, we’re getting what we pay for. And there’s some epic 3-Way nudity halfway through this movie so…I’ve already sold this film to you. Why are you still here?

Ah yes, the story. There is something of a story here. (Enough to get a group of teenagers out to sea anyway.) A group of sexys is out on a boat in the middle of the ocean on a field trip. Included in the group is none other than Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan. Two things about these ladies. I found out Brooke was younger than me which is kinda surprising because she looks older than I. But it also makes sense since she is the daughter of Hulk Hogan and she’s gonna have a little more mass to her than normal. Then there’s Carmen Electra…who still has a smoking hot bod but unfortunately her age is starting to catch up with her. Or the massive amount of chemicals and plastic inserted into her face is starting to break down. Either way, that saddens me.

:(

Anyway, a 2 Headed Shark shows up and messes up the boat. Fortunately, there is an island in the distance. Actually, it’s an atoll. According to Wikipedia, “an atoll is a coral island (or islands) that encircles a lagoon partially or completely.” Alright, that’s pretty cool. Original, I like that. So they offload some weight on the Atoll so they can make some repairs on the boat. And Carmen Electra can do a little sunbathing. The teens tool around the island, discovering some fishing huts, some teens have a sexy 3 way, and almost all of them are eaten in awesome ways by the 2 Headed Shark. Towards the end of the movie, the atoll breaks apart and falls into the sea…leaving the teens helpless against the 2 Headed Shark as their only means of survival slip away inch by inch.

One thing I rarely touch upon in my reviews is the writing. One reason I don’t is because rarely does a finished film ever mirror an original screenplay. Things get changed, everyone has their hands on the project, people want it this way, that way, their way, highway. Whatever. But I’d like to discuss the writing in this movie because this movie was penned by none other than fellow blogspotter: H. Perry Horton. HPH writes the Committed blog. A blog committed solely to the works of The Asylum. The Asylum, you know, is best known for its Mockbuster classics like Transmorphers and the upcoming American Battleship. They’re also known for their Mega line of movies like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha.

WHAT I LIKED. THE STORY. It’s basic, it’s fun, it’s what I want out of a movie like this. There is a formula to these kinds of things and when I sit down to watch something like this, I like the familiarity. Movies like these are ones that are watched in groups or by people like me looking for something fun on a Sunday. I don’t want someone to stretch my mind, I just want to see a 2 Headed Shark…that’s original enough for me. THE ATOLL. The Atoll is fucking BRILLIANT. It works on so many levels and I can’t believe that it hasn’t been used more often. The reason it works is because not only is this an island they get to escape to but it adds to the overall chaos of their situation. The atoll begins to breakdown and sink into the sea…which means they have less land to be on…which means the 2 Headed Shark can eat the shit out of everyone. THE END. Actually, what he does with the shark. (SPOILER) The dudes rig up a bomb to blow it up but it actually ends up blowing up only one head HAHAHA so they have to find another way to kill it! YES! That’s awesome.

Also, good call on the 3-Way. That was just the best.

What I didn’t like. THE DIALOGUE. I’d say 70% of the dialogue wasn’t too bad. The other 30% wasn’t the best. A lot of it was dated and overused lines that sound like stuff that I’d say to my friends. I’m sure a lot of this can be blamed on the timeline for writing this movie. He probably had 2 weeks to write it and then another week to rewrite it so with a short schedule like that it’s hard to bring the overall story together AND keep the dialogue fresh. CHARACTERS. Movies don’t have to have every cliché character in them. The smart guy. The dumb girl. The arm kissing jock. Anyway, there was a lot of characters that were just taken from the cover of Not Another Teen Movie and plugged in here and there. I knew they were all destined to be eaten gloriously so I really didn’t care but that dude kissing his arms constantly. I can’t relate to him. I’m a fat loser sitting in my basement watching an awesomely bad movie. How many arm kissing jocks are watching this movie? What we need is hot nerds. A LOT of them. Naked. Blowing things up. And reading comics. Naked. And referencing Star Trek. And making out. Heh heh heh. Excuse me while I go write the sequel.

You can read a really cool conversation between the screenwriter (HPH) and the guy who originally outlined the story on the Committed blog here. Worth the read.

So to conclude, this movie is awesome. If you in any way enjoy the Asylum brand of made for SyFy movie, then 2 Headed Shark Attack is for you. The effects aren’t that great but when you’ve seen as many Asylum movies as I have, you don’t expect a lot from there. (COME ON, that shark had 2 heads before, why does it only have ONE NOW?) It’s definitely worth the watch, where else will you get to see a 2 Headed Shark eat people?

 And watch Brooke Hogan hating herself for 90 minutes!

Vote for YOUR favorite to enter the Bad Movie Battle Royale!

The Poll is up! Look over to the upper right of this blog and you'll see it. These are the choices YOU wanted to see in Royale. The response was quite awesome and I really want to thank everyone who participated. This year will be epic.

If it comes down to a tie, I'll leave it up to the wheel of destiny to decide. (That thing I used for Roulette last October) Hell, there might even be one or two of these that'll make it in anyway. Just because they deserve it.

Now vote! And feel free to vote for more than one if you'd like, there's a lot of greatness over there...far too much to pick just one. (You have until 7 pm Central time next Friday (2/24) to decide)

The Bad Movie Battle Royale: Your first 4 contestants!

Welcome. Over the past few weeks I've been reviewing some films. Some of them were geared towards the DOOM'D Reviews I promised for this year and others were just plain old amazing Bad Movie Reviews. But out of the reviews that I've done so far, 4 of them stand out as contenders for supreme champion of the Bad Movie Battle Royale. They've earned a spot in my heart and a spot on the board. So, without further delay, here are your first 4 contestants in the Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012!

FEATHERWEIGHT DIVISION

Robert. The Killer Tire from the movie Rubber. He's one mean mother as he has telepathic abilities (that will sorely have to be contained for this tournament) and the ability to runover whomever he wishes. His attributes are geared more towards his head and his body on the offensive and his head and body on the defensive. Why his head and body? Because that's really all this tire has to offer.

Finishing move: The Drive By

WOMEN'S DIVISION

Tank Girl. From the movie...Tank Girl. She's a vicious little brute. She knows how to use her body to her advantage but don't let those good looks and quick wit fool you, she has a tank and she's ready to stuff it in your face and yell FIRE! Her attributes are geared more towards the offensive side. Head, Body, Arms, Legs. She uses these things to get the job done. Her defense lies mostly in her head and body as either one of those can get her out of a jam.

Finishing move: The Bombshell

HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION

Poolboy. From the movie Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury. Poolboy is an interesting character. He's a Vietnam Vet...so he's not all there mentally. BUT he has a surprisingly large amount of skills and knowledge in the ways to kill people that clearly give him an advantage. His offense and defense lie within his Head, Body, and Arms as those 3 things get him INTO and OUT OF every jam he finds himself in.

Finishing movie: The Cleaner

SUPER HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION

Gamera. From the movie Gammera The Invincible. Gamera is a 200 foot tall flying fire breathing turtle. It's going to be a brutahl fight for every other contestant to even bring this colossal giant to his knees. His strategy appears to be lose first, let his opponent build up confidence and a false sense of security...and then STRIKE! Ending the match quickly and awesomely. His attributes center around his body and arms. His main offense comes from his mind and the way he comes up with a solution to bring down an enemy and his main defense is with his body of course. When all else fails, he crawls up into his shell and flies away. Look out when Gamera climbs the ropes, he might just be looking to end this thing.

Finishing movie: The Shell Shock

There you have it! The first 4 contenders in The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012: It's Bigger, Better, and Badder! I've been looking over the possibilities for fan favorites from Twitter/Facebook/and right here on Blogger and I'll be posting a poll later this week to see who we want in the most. I like a couple so much that I might just throw them in anyway...because they deserve it. Until then, From the domed roof of Gablestadium, I'm Mr. Gable and this is...THE BAD MOVIE BATTLE ROYALE! We'll see you soon for the next round of combatants...

ANNOUNCING: The Bad Movie Battle Royale 2012 (You Pick a Contestant)

It's BIGGER! 

It's BETTER!

It's BADDER!

It's...

The Bad Movie Battle Royale returns in 2012 with matchups so explosive that they will ignite the fuse of our imminent destruction! Last year I reviewed 12 movies. I then created characters in the Nintendo 64 video game: WWF: No Mercy. Why that game on that ancient system? Because I haven't really caught up with the times and I like that game. So I create characters that look ridiculous and give them attributes that somewhat mirror their movie. (So let's say ORCA: THE KILLER WHALE. He used his tail and mouth a lot in the movie, so I gave a lot of his offense to his head and legs.) After I had reviewed all 12 movies, created all the characters, I put them in a King of the Ring bracket style match up and let them go wild. It came down to Panman vs TerrorVision and TerrorVision brought home the gold.

Relive the chaos from last year in Round 1, Round 2, Round 3, and Round 4.

This year, I'm doing basically the same thing...but better. Looking back on last year, there is definitely room for improvement. First: There will be 16 contestants in the Royale. No First Round Bye's this time. It's a free-for-all and there will be no handicaps given. Second: There will be 2 Royale's. What I mean is, it isn't just enough that these bad movies get one shot at the title of supreme champion. They need 2. So...we will be doing the King of the Ring brackets AND there will be a Royal Rumble as well. The winner of the KotR and the RR will face off in a championship match to decide which is the greatest piece of shit of 2012! Third, it's going to be all computer all the way. I will control no characters this time. Last year's computer match ups were much more interesting then the one's I played in and I don't want there to be any disputes over who is the greatest of them all. And finally, this year I'm going to be filming this thing. Last year, I typed out all the matches and spiced it up with some of my own commentary. This year, you'll get to SEE the action take place. It's just going to be me recording the computer screen with my camcorder BUT that's ok because I'll be right there behind it shouting and cheering and drinking heavily. So it'll make for excellent entertainment.

That being said, keep it here tomorrow to see your first 4 contestants. I'm changing it up this year. I've decided to keep the contestants a secret and instead first reviewing the film THEN creating the characters.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE ROYALE?

I'm going to give you the chance to put a favorite in the Royale. Is there a personal favorite you'd like to see go toe to toe with histories finest junk films? Perhaps you'd like to see the fighting power of Troll 2 or the grappling styles of Manos: The Hands of Fate? Sound off in the comments and we'll put them up for a vote!

(Feel free to choose any movie I have already reviewed, the only exceptions are all of the contestants from last year.)

Everything at Full Moon Direct is 50% off! Free Shipping!

It's that wonderful time of the year when Full Moon has their biggest, baddest, greatest sale of the year! Everything, and I mean damn near everything, is 50% off. AND FREE SHIPPING. So a lot of their DVDs are just $5. And that's worth it, lemme tell ya. So head over to FULL MOON DIRECT right now and buy buy buy!

Spend enough money and you can be an executive producer on Puppet Master X!

I also suggest buying a Gift Card. You pay for half and get twice as much stuff later.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Poolboy: Drowning Out the Fury (2012)

WARNING: The review you are about to read contains a large amount of amazing racism. Towards you, towards me, but mostly directed at Mexicans.

This is:

How do I go about describing to you the greatest cinematic experience of the year?

Let’s start with what this movie is about. The main plot involves a Vietnam Vet who returns to America well after the war is over and finds that his wife is having an affair with a Mexican poolboy. He then discovers that all poolboys are Mexican and after his wife and child are murdered, he sets out on a quest to rid every home of the spic infestation.

 The Sorbs is coming for you.

But this is only half of it. This movie pretends that it was made in 1990. It pretends that it was so truthful and racist that it was shelved...until now. So between scenes the “director” explains the events that lead to the making of that scene or the motivations for doing a certain thing, and just countless other hilarious tidbits. A bad movie with built in director's commentary. God damn genius.

Saint James St. James: The Greatest Director in all known existence.

Honestly, what really killed me was the director’s commentary. That guy is just so fucking awesome. One time he explains the actor in the previous scene had been arrested so they had to break into the prison and film him in front of a green screen. Then another time he explains that the studio forced him to plug in more gratuitious nudity and since his lead actor had a no nudity clause in his contract he had to do all the scenes himself. HAHAHAHAHA oh god that’s awesome.

He does this every 5-10 minutes during the course of the movie. I just can’t tell you enough how great it is. I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a long time.

Step 1: Squeeze Breasts. Step 2: Scream "no" wildly. Step 3: Life.

This movie would be junk without the commentary. Think something like DATE MOVIE or DISASTER MOVIE. I think the writer of this film saw the movie Tropic Thunder and figured he could do better. (he did.) He makes an action movie but it’s just stupid. It’s a movie that is TRYING to be so bad that it’s good. And normally, those are the kinds of movies you stay away from. Like, you hear people talking behind the camera, you see the stagehands throw blood on the lead character, everything is so ridiculously fake. But the fact that the “director” chimes in so often is what makes it work so well. He keeps in a scene even though it makes no sense within the context of the story but the director makes up an excuse why he left it in there. And THAT is what makes this movie so fucking brilliant.

The actors in this movie are just great. They’re the best of the bad and let me tell you, they bring their A-Game to Poolboy. Let me just break it down to you this way:

You looked at the middle one first didn't you?

That's Jacqui Holland and I did an article on her last week. Please, check her out here.

This movie doesn’t so much set out to directly offend people but it probably will. They torque up the racism but it isn’t so terrible that you gotta go call your senator. It’s mostly shit jokes like:

But they mostly overuse the racism as a satire of action movies. There’s always a REALLY BLACK black guy, a REALLY WHITE white guy, a STUFFED WITH TACOS Mexican…you know how it is. And that’s what makes it so good. They actually end it with the message that the movie was so racist that it is conveying how racist we as a people are so we should all stop being racists. And they even go so far as to dub in a hardcore black guy over all the black people that speak in this movie. HAHAHAHAHA YES! It’s all so eye rollingly awesome.

So basically what you got here is Hercules vs Machete, tons of amazing nudity (not lying, there’s a topless chick in every act), built in fake director’s commentary, and my favorite movie so far this year. Go see it now. It's on DVD today!

DOOM'D News: Tokyo Species

 

This blatantly awesome overseas Species ripoff is very not safe for work. or your dick.

DOOM'D Review: Gamera vs Viras (1968) [aka Destroy All Planets]

That jive talkin’, fire breathin’, building stompin, high flyin’, bad assin’, monster turtle GAMERA is back! And this time he’s gotta whoop some Space Squid ass.

 The Chuck Norris of Space Squids

Gamera is flying around in orbit one day when all of a sudden an alien spaceship appears. The ship, before its encounter with Gamera, promptly lays out in step by step detail its plan for the planet Earth. You see, it’s a suitable environment for their race and they’re looking for a new place to live. Thing is, those pesky Earthlings have got to go. But before anything can happen, Gamera flies in and smashes it to pieces…

With Good Reason.

…but not before it sends a signal to its home planet warning them of Gamera.

So another ugly ship is sent. Now we cut to Earth were there is a looooong and irritating plot development involving Boy Scouts and a particular pair of boys and their annoying pranks. (Which comes in conveniently later) They are on a field trip at a marine facility and they coax themselves into a submarine. While traveling around, they find Gamera and race him.(Not gonna lie, if I were a kid, my joy circuits would be overloading at this point.)

And then the aliens return. And what follows is nearly 20 MINUTES OF FLASHBACKS. The aliens do a “scan” of Gamera’s brain in order to find a weakness. This leads to reused footage from the first 3 movies that are pieced together to show him doing battle with monsters in order to save children. So the aliens steal the kids and hold them hostage to Gamera.

I literally fast forwarded through this part. I’ve already seen the first 3 movies, I DON’T need to see them again. I want more Gamera goddammit! I really hate when movies reuse footage like that in their movie. There’s instances like Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 that it’s hilarious that they do it but mostly it’s just such a copout and a waste of time. And it drug this already piss poor installment in the Gamera series dddoooooowwwwnnnn.

I’m starting to believe that Gamera has the Star Trek syndrome, every other movie is awesome while the rest are just…well…horrible.

 Thanks Bill.

Anyway, the aliens have captured the children and are forcing Gamera to stand down. (Because Gamera's loyalty to children outways the entire population of the Earth) They then attach a brain wave device to his neck which gives them complete control of Gamera. (Can you about imagine what you would do if you have a remote controlled Gamera?) Now, even though they do use Gamera to destroy Japan, I think it could have been used far better. If they wouldn’t have done the flashbacks and they would’ve just devoted more time to Gamera destroying things under alien control…this movie would have been a total winner. But no, they keep the flashbacks and…

…devote a lot of time to the two Boy Scouts wandering around the alien ship.

The boys wander across a squid like creature whom they assume is a prisoner. (We very quickly learn that it is indeed their leader) But the boys make it to the control room and after they tinker with some knobs they release Gamera from his hold. They then reverse the capture ray and beam themselves back to Earth.

Heh. Heh. Heh. It’s Gamera time. 

Gamera promptly unleashes monstrous hell on the alien ship and rips it apart. The alien squid creature then combines with all the OTHER alien squid creatures aboard the ship and it grows to Gameralike proportions. It’s time for the final showdown.

I’ll give this movie some credit, the final battle was pretty sweet. They do throw each other around like a couple of ragdolls. They both fly around, they topple into the river and do battle underwater, and the part that actually caused me a little nausea is when the squid launched itself at Gamera and pierced his underbelly and flew around with the tip of its head stabbed into Gamera.

Sexual undertones? Possibly. But mostly, the thought of a being stabbed in the stomach was disturbing.

Finally, Gamera says enough is enough, grabs the Space Monster Viras and flies up into outer space where Viras freezes to death. Gamera Over.

I hate to say this but I’m getting bored with the Gamera movies. The first one was just so damned amazing I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into the rest of the series. The second, third, and fourth movies just weren’t that mind blowing. If Gyaos wasn’t as amazing as he is, this series would have been toast by then. Barugon can suck a log (and probably does) and Viras just didn’t have enough screen time. Fortunately, I know this series DOES eventually go somewhere and I’m going to stick with it to the end. After the 60s Gamera craze, the giant turtle took a nap until the 90s when it was resurrected with a bigger budget and spectacular effects. I know this because I just bought the 90s Gamera trilogy on Bluray and I can’t wait to get to it.

But first, I must continue my quest with Gamera vs Guiron: The monster with a KNIFE FOR A FACE.

Ah fuck yes. Star Trek syndrome.