Friday, March 11, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Alienator (1990) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

Synopsis from IMDb:
Kol is an evil guy about to be executed on a distant spaceship. He manages to escape on a shuttle and make his way to some woods in America. The commander of the spaceship decides to send out The Alienator to execute Kol at all costs. Kol meets up with some teens and Ward Armstrong and together they all try not to get killed by the pursuing Woman of Death - The Alienator.

There’s a lot to love and a lot to hate about Alienator. What to love: The Alienator herself. Man is she HOT. And built. I would not want to mess with that woman. She’s sexy but in a non-slutty way…even though she barely wears any clothes in this movie. (At least the creators of this cyborg knew what they were doing.) The outback/hillbilly angle was hilarious. Casting P.J. Soles and that guy from Airwolf was fantastic. Space prison, etc. But there’s still a lot to hate. The pacing is a bit off. You know what, the pacing is actually pretty good. It’s just that I don’t CARE that much about what’s going on. Even the things that are bad aren’t that interesting to watch. It’s pretty…meh. And the gargling from the main bad guy’s collar…ugh. Quit it already. And the entire cast is pretty mindless and annoying…which happens with these kinds of movies.

Even with everything that's ACTUALLY bad with this movie, in the end…I would watch it again. (I did actually try to watch this THREE times. I just kept falling asleep. I haven’t figured out if it had to do with Alienator or my exhaustion. Or both.) But if I were to watch it again it’d have to be with a group of people. Preferably a bunch of guys drinking and ripping on this movie. That would be the most fun I would ever get out of Alienator.

Storywise…we start out on a space prison. This guy is going to be put to death. And the guy that is the executioner is really passionate about it. That is until this dude shows up. He has absolutely no purpose except to serve as a “GOTCHA” surprise twist ending. And it was stupid. And really hilarious. But anyway, the bad guy gets away. He ends up on Earth…

…where a group of teens out drinking and driving in their motorhome come across the bad guy. Who they protect for the rest of the movie because…there’s a badass cyborg bitch running around trying to kill him. In fairness…they don’t know he’s bad so I guess in their shoes I’d be more afraid of the bitch with the laser gun…but as a viewer…it was stupid. Anyway, they get chased through the woods for 30 minutes until the bad guy is finally revealed to be the bad guy and then is killed. The Alienator gives the group of teens a big ol’ bag of diamonds (WTF!!!???) and leaves Earth.

But not before murdering with guy with a laser hatchet. (probably)

Wow. Not much excitement about this movie coming from me is there? It’s because there really isn’t much to be excited about. It’s a bad movie. It almost borders the line of good-bad. But it just isn’t enough for me to love this movie.

But the hillbillies were awesome. Those guys, with their extremely short screen time, kicked ass. They should’ve survived and the kids should’ve died. I would be so pumped about this movie if that would’ve happened. First time we see them they're out in the woods shooting squirrels for dinner. HAHAHAHA You can afford bullets but not FOOD. Stupid rednecks.

And I also really loved the Alienator’s complete disrespect for sentient life. Her mission is to kill the bad guy but she doesn’t give a fuck…she’ll kill anything. It’s wonderful.

I’m not entirely sure if I’d recommend this. If you’re having a bad movie night with friends and are looking for something to rip on…watch Alienator. Or if you just love cheesy sci-fi movies…watch Alienator. Just don’t expect anything amazing. In the good or bad sense.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the eleventh of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Alienator

The resemblance is scary.

Strength: 10 (Robot assassin. Nuff Said.)
Speed: 3 (She's just a little faster than Jason Voorhees.)
Edurance: 10 (Robot. She can take the punishment for a loooooong time. Also my penis)
Agility: 5 (eh, kinda stiff. *insert dick joke*)
Offense: 10 (Powerhouse bitch. Lots o' lasers and hatchets.)
Defense: 3 (She just kinda stands there and takes it. That's how we like our women right fellas?)
Recovery: 8 (She's not down for very long but still long enough for people to get away.)
Bleeding: 1 (no blood, only win.)

Overall, Alienator rates an average: 6.25!!!! (WWWHHHOOOAAAA!!! The movie blows harder than asian hookers on wednesday but this bitch is going to the top! LOOK OUT! Alienator may be the fury of a woman scorned. Watch out fellas. It's Judgement Day!)

1 comment:

  1. You're right, that resemblance IS pretty remarkable.

    Too bad this was such a snooze for ya. Although I do give you 10 out of 10 for effort in your multiple attempts at watching this. You, sir, should be committed, er, I mean you ARE committed.