BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Rumpelstiltskin (1995) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

What can I possibly say about Rumpelstiltskin that isn’t already explained in this 3 minute clip?

Epic line at 1:55

HAHAHAHA…Fucketh Me!....HAHAHAHAHA I seriously had to rewind that part 3 times. First, to confirm that I heard what I had actually heard. Second, because I was laughing to hard that I just needed it one more time. And Third, because…it was just that epic that it deserved a fourth viewing.

Oh this movie is awesome. Any reservations that I had for this movie ended almost immediately. Just staring at the cover art displayed from Netflix Instant Watch made me uneasy. There wasn’t anything particularly appealing about it. (It's not the same as the art above, on Netflix it's just Rumpelstiltskin laughing with a black background and the title of the movie at the bottom....meh) All I knew was that the guy that played Rom on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine starred as Rumpelstiltskin in this movie. So I figured, what the hell? I can always turn it off. But then I saw the opening scene, a bit cheesy but still fairly cool. But it was when I viewed the title screen that I knew this was going to kick ass.

Ah fuck yes. Look at those claws! This movie RULES!

So we start out in the olden days with Uncle Rumpie running around stealing babies. Some old witch curses him into a shitty little statue which is thrown into the sea. Then we fast forward to present day Los Angeles. (That made me snicker a little bit. That transition seems a bit drastic does it not?) We meet our leading lady…and she’s pregnant. She’s talking to her husband on the phone when all of a sudden he is awesomely…uh…I mean brutally, murdered.

Next we move ahead a few months, she’s had the kid and goes with her friend to an antique shop…where she finds the statue. How it got there is anybody’s guess. Somebody found it in the ocean…but you know, doesn’t fucking matter. It is but one of many amazing unexplained vehicles that drive this movie. And I love it. So of course, she unleashes Rumpelstiltskin and many, many, many amazing things happen.

This picture is many times more awesome then I ever will be. 

I’m doing my best not to give it all away. There really is so much more to love. The one-liners that shoot out of Rumpelstiltskin’s mouth at a machine gun pace are simply something that needs to be heard. “Fucketh Me” is just the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention that Rumpelstiltskin is immortal and therefore can be tossed around, stabbed, run over by a car, and beaten without so much as a bruise appearing anywhere on his body. That is where the real fun is at. Watching these things happen and then how he casually shrugs them off and sets his sights back on the prize. Oh how I love it.

So please, watch it while it’s on Netflix Instant. They don't even have a DVD to rent so you can only see it on Instant Watch. And then when your done there try to track down a copy. I don’t know how plentiful they are but I can’t imagine this world being full of Rumpelstiltskin copies floating around. But all I know is if I run across one…I’m buying it. No question.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the tenth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: Rumpelstiltskin

Master of the Martial Arts.

Strength: 3 (not all that strong if I recall correctly)
Speed: 5 (eh, he mostly runs around like Quasimoto)
Edurance: 10 (he can take anything that's dished to him. Immortality bitches)
Agility: 10 (The immortality plays into this too.)
Offense: 4 (He's got more bark then bite. And by bark I mean amazing one-liners.)
Defense: 2 (He never tries to block anything. And because of that I gave him an extra point for bravery)
Recovery: 9 (He bounces back quickly. Unless he's in a stone...then he's fucked.)
Bleeding: 2 (I don't really remember him bleeding all that much...)

Overall, Rumpelstiltskin rates an average: 5.63 (Wow. That's kind of impressive actually. Who knew? I'm still a little concerned about his actual fighting ability. He's really awesome but in a fight I just don't know if he can handle himself. But he can take a lot of abuse so it'll be interesting to see how he fares in the long run.)