WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? FUTURE-KILL MY ASS! I WANT TO FUTURE-KILL MYSELF FOR WATCHING THIS MOVIE. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? YOU PROMISED ME FUTURE...AND KILLING...AND MUTANTS...AND WHAT I GOT INSTEAD WAS A MESS OF GAY FRATERNITY BOYS PRANCING AROUND FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. OH SURE, SOME OF THEM DO DIE BUT COME ON!! THERE WERE NO MUTANTS...ONLY SOME ACTIVISTS THAT "PRETENDED" TO BE MUTANTS TO STRESS THE SERIOUSNESS OF A "POSSIBLE" NUCLEAR EXISTENCE. COME ON! FUCK YOU. THIS IS INSANE. I GUESS I WAS JUST TOO FUCKING IGNORANT TO LOOK AT THE BACK OF THE BOX OR READ THE SYNOPSIS ON IMDB. SURE IT SAYS PLAIN AS DAY WHAT THIS MOVIE IS REALLY ABOUT BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN BY THE TRAILER THAT THERE WAS MUTANTS AND KILLING. THERE WAS BARELY ANY OF THAT. WHAT THE FUCK? I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I SLEPT THROUGH MOST OF THIS. MAN JEEBUS. THE FIRST HALF HOUR WAS PURE FUCKING TORTURE. UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH. THIS MOVIE TRIES TO BE ANIMAL HOUSE FOR 45 MINUTES. AND IT FAILS HHHOOOORRRIBLY. I WANTED TO PULL OUT THE VHS AND BREAK IT IN HALF SO I COULD JAB THE SHARP CORNERS INTO MY EYEBALLS. IT WAS TERRIBLE. COMPLETE FACEPALM.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!?? IT IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY WHEN GUYS PRETEND TO BE "THE MASK" AT THE PROSPECT OF GETTING LAID. NEVER HAS BEEN FUNNY, NEVER WILL BE FUNNY. PISS OFF. BUT THEN...THEN THEY DECIDE TO PULL A LITTLE PRANK AND GO DOWNTOWN TO KIDNAP ONE OF THE ACTIVISTS. THAT SEEMS REALLY REASONABLE AND HILARIOUS. FUCKING MORONS. ONCE THEY GOT DOWN THERE AND ONE OF THEM WAS MURDERED AND THEY WERE ALL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY....WELL MY BODY JUST FUCKING GAVE UP AND FORCED ME TO GO INTO CRYOGENIC SLUMBER. I WOKE UP A HALF HOUR LATER TO SEE ANOTHER DUDE GET MURDERED...BUT IT WAS STILL REALLY FUCKING LAME SO I PASSED OUT AGAIN. NEVER BEFORE HAS ANYTHING MADE ME SO FUCKING ANGRY. I EXPECTED TO BE ENTERTAINED. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS FUTURE-KILL? THAT IS WHAT EVERY OTHER MOVIE IN EXISTENCE HAS AT LEAST 2 MINUTES OF...ALL YOU HAVE IS ONE GUY THAT SAYS, "I AIN'T FAGGIN OUT FOR ANYBODY." THREE SECONDS. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE WORTH TO ME. NEXT TIME WE HAVE A FIRE I'M STARTING IT WITH YOU. IT WASN'T EVEN BAD...AND I LOVE BAD. BAD IS FUCKING SUGAR TO ME...NO THIS, THIS WAS JUST STUPID. REALLY FUCKING STUPID AND A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
But fuck, that poster's awesome.
And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against each other in a death match of doom! This is the seventh of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film.
I am really happy this happened. I kind of chose the 12 at random. A couple showed up late in the game but that's ok. I'm really glad that at least ONE of the twelve was really really shitty. Because I needed a pissant. Someone that is there specifically to get his ass whooped. Fortune will SHINE on the lucky bastard (or bastardess) that is chosen to fight Future-Kill. God bless him.
This is what happened when he had a run in with Birdemic.
(Don't you just want to beat the shit out of this guy? I know I do.)
Strength: 1 (this guy is a HUGE vagina)
Speed: 1 (he can't run fast enough away from protestors.)
Edurance: 1 (loser. One punch and he's done)
Agility: 2 (eh, they probably dodged one or two hits. but ultimately they're going down.)
Offense: 1 (their offense consists of, "oh please kind sir, don't touch me! my dad will hear of this!)
Defense: 1 (their defense sounds pretty much the same except for an "ouchy" added at the end)
Recovery: 1 (no recovery, only death)
Bleeding: 10 (they bleed a lot. That is the beauty of Future-Kill)
Overall, Future-Kill rates an average: 2.25 (bet on Future-Kill at your own risk. Waste of time and money if you ask me.)