Wednesday, March 9, 2011

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: TerrorVision (1986) [Bad Movie Battle Royale Contender]

OH YEAH! CRANK IT IF YOU’RE HARDCORE! That theme song is absolutely AMAZING and I think you should listen to it as you read this review.

“THIS DUDE IS INTO METAL!” That line is probably my favorite part of this movie (and the trailer). Not the fact that there is a ridiculously sized Satellite dish or the fact that there is softcore porn on the walls of the main character’s mansion, or the fact that the lead adult characters are swingers and it turns out their newest adventure turns out to be really gay, oh no friends my favorite part is when they metal heads encounter the trash monster/alien for the first time and they find out that it really likes his studded arm bands and he screams, “THIS DUDE IS INTO METAL!” I love it so much.

Plus the guy that said it also starred in Lost.

This movie…is really crazy. And if that hairdo above doesn't tip you off then you know its going to be crazy because this is a Charles Band movie. The majority (alright….ALL) of his movies are batshit crazy. TerrorVision is NNOOOOO exception. Actually it might be one of the most far-out acid trips he ever created. Pre-Full Moon anyway.

So we start out with the Putterman Family (hahahahaha) putting up a new satellite dish. A do-it yourself Satellite kit. Which is really dumb since they live in a mansion and obviously have money so they have to skimp out on the most important part of LIVING by installing a do-it-yourself dish? Whatever. Does. Not. Matter. Anyway, in a distant far off galaxy on the planet Pluton, Pluthor is exterminating mutant creatures by turning them into pure energy and launching them into space. Well it turns out that one particular monster ends up getting picked up by the Putterman’s dish.


After that a lot of whacky shit happens. Like the family’s youngest son goes on a military strike against the monster with his grandpa, there’s lots of terrible dialogue (I love it man, it’s like I fucking wrote this movie), lots of green slime, a scheme to make loads of money using the monster, plenty of Heineken Beer plugs, and a rescue attempt by the alien which originally sent the monster to Earth. He tries to destroy the monster but his plan is foiled by Medusa…the Elvira rip-off talk show host with the biggest jugs this side of Pluthor.

She's no Wendy Whoppers but she gives her a pretty good run for her money.

I loved this movie. It was the breathe of fresh air that I needed. I’ve been watching way too many serious bad movies….and some really really shitty bad movies…which is still awesome. But I was really glad I got to see this. (It’s still on Netflix Instant Watch by the way) I needed some really fucking OUT THERE material. It was worthy my 80 minutes. And I discovered that Bud the Chud was in ANOTHER movie. (Turns out he's in LOTS of movies) That’s awesome!

So I say, watch this movie. Be warned…do not take this seriously. It is quite insane. And VERY Charles Band. But I love that. And I think you will too.

And now, for the dozens in attendance...LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Allow me to explain the Bad Movie Battle Royale for those of you that missed my original post or are reading this review many months down the road. I am pitting 12 movies against one another in a death match of doom! This is the ninth of the twelve. Each time I watch one of them I will create a wrestling character from the Nintendo 64 game: WWF No Mercy that coincides with the film. Enter: TerrorVision

He learned everything he knows about fighting from Raiden.

Strength: 10 (he tosses people around like they're NOTHING)
Speed: 1 (He doesn't really walk anywhere...mostly transports through television sets)
Edurance: 10 (Very rarely does anyone actually hit him but when they do they don't live long)
Agility: 1 (He doesn't move very easily. That's probably the fault of the special effects team. Sorry.)
Offense: 10 (He turns people to goo and drinks them. That's AWESOME.)
Defense: 5 (His defenses are alright, could be better)
Recovery: 5 (If he's hit, he gets furious. But that also harms him as much as it helps him.)
Bleeding: 1 (Not much of a bleeder. Of RED anyway.)

Overall, TerrorVision rates an average: 5.38 (Not terrible...but I would have thought better. TerrorVision is a powerhouse but I think his slowness may be the death of him. Although...if he lands and's going to hurt A LOT.)


  1. I had no doubt you'd enjoy this one! I've been waiting for this review ever since last October. I am a bit disappointed in TV's score, however.

    Question: What's up with the Bleeding category? If you're fighting another competitor wouldn't bleeding a lot be a BAD thing? Or is Bleeding a measure of how much gore they bring to the party?

  2. I originally put that in there because you can change the amount of bleeding in the game. So a character can bleed easily or not so easily. But then after the first couple I realized that I fucked up and putting that in there actually hurts their rating. So a 1 means that the don't bleed at all but that hurts their rating.

    And in the name of consistency I've just done the rest the same.

    So maybe I'm adjusting the numbers for personal gain. What're you going to do about it? lol

  3. BAH! You've been corrupted by your own power, Mr. Gable, King Of The Royale!!1!!!

    j/k Heh, the only reason I was cheering for TV in the first place is because it's the only movie I've actually seen so far out of all the contenders (unless some half-remembered viewing of Orca when it made it to TV when I was a kid counts).

  4. Another great one from the past that I need to check out again. I'm liking this Battle Royale more and more with every new combatant.

  5. Vincent - Yeah, I'll be my own undoing. lol. But never fear...TerrorVision is still a good bet. He has amazing powers over the others. I just worry about his defenses. We will see.

    DtV: Thank you! We're winding down. TWO LEFT! WOOO!! Then the Royale can begin! It's going to be brutal.