With all these CGI explosions and ballerina roundhouse kicks, how in the hell were they able to afford Kane Hodder? He's a pricey individual isn't he? ISN'T HE!? Could this mean that The Asylum is getting bigger and better?
Not to worry, this ain't not Asylum shit. I know that poster kinda resembles something along the lines of Transmorphers but it's not. The CGI effects in this movie look rather good. The acting however...
This is gonna be fun.
Robotropolis is written and directed by Christopher Hatton: a writer for Star Trek: TNG. (a couple episodes anyway) His IMDb experience is pretty short but maybe that because he likes to take his time and get things right? Or he struggles. Either way, should make for some pretty good entertainment. You just can't go wrong with some murdering robots.
No idea when this comes out. IMDb says it'll be in theatres this Friday, September 2nd.
For a real lack of any kind of bad movie news this last weekend, I thought I'd take the time to point out a classic gem from the mid 80s...The Eliminators.
It's got scientists, mercenaries, a ninja, and a mandroid that can turn into a fucking BATTLE TANK!
Oh yeah, that's Natasha Yar, JUST prior to being on Star Trek TNG.
I just recently acquired this long lost gem and look forward to watching it soon. As for the rest of you, good luck finding a copy. It has yet to be released to DVD and the VHS copies are really rare. Ebay only has one listing for $15. That picture above was taken from iOffer. It's a bootleg copy but I've bought from this guy before and the DVDs look just like the picture so if you don't mind going that route, I definitely recommend it.
I'm pretty sure I've seen this trailer before. But it's only a month old and I can't find anything on my blog about it so I figured I'd better mention it.
New Howling movie coming. And I doubt anyone cares.
Might be ok. Looks like your standard werewolf love story. I'm kinda glad this is coming out because it puts a little emphasis on The Howling series for me. I've never seen the sequels and I've been meaning to fix that error but just haven't gotten around to it. (Gotta get through Children of the Corn and Amityville first)
From the press release:
Get ready to run with the pack again, as Anchor Bay Entertainment unleashes The Howling Reborn October 18th on Blu-ray™ and DVD. An all-new, original chapter directed by Joe Nimziki, the much anticipated Anchor Bay Films release stars Lindsey Shaw (“Pretty Little Liars,” “10 Things I Hate About You”), Landon Liboiron (Fox’s upcoming series “Terra Nova,” “Degrassi: The Next Generation”) and Ivana Milicevic (Casino Royale, Vanilla Sky). Described within industry circles as “Twilight with bite,” The Howling Reborn deftly combines romance, action and thrills that will have audiences worldwide embracing their inner lycanthrope! SRP is $26.98 for the DVD, and $29.99 for the Blu-ray™. Anchor Bay SVP of Marketing Jennifer Roberts stated: “We couldn’t be more thrilled with the picture, and are excited to get “The Howling Reborn” out as quickly as possible for this Halloween. We truly believe this picture will re-launch the franchise and lead to even bigger and better new chapters ahead.”
The creatures for The Howling Reborn were brought to life by 2010 Academy-Award® nominee Adrian Morot (300, Night at the Museum 2), and the score was produced by award-winning composer Klaus Badelt (Gladiator, Pirates of the Caribbean).
On the eve of his high school graduation, Will Kidman (Liboiron) finally looks up from his books to catch the eye of the girl he’s longed for the last four years – the mysterious Eliana Wynter (Shaw). He’s always been the shy kid, flying under the radar, but when he discovers a dark secret from his past — that he is heir to a powerful line of werewolves - he finds he has a choice to make between succumbing to his primal nature or turning against his own and maintaining his humanity. In order to fight the destiny of his legacy, and save Eliana – as well as himself, he must battle not only his growing blood lust but an army of fearsome beasts bent on killing him, Eliana...and then, us all. Bonus features on The Howling Reborn Blu-ray™ and DVD will include filmmakers’ commentary and a behind-the-scenes featurette.
The Howling began enthralling fans more than 30 years ago, with the 1977 publication of Gary Brandner’s best-selling novel and the 1981 film adaptation written by Academy Award® nominated screenwriter John Sayles (Lone Star, The Spiderwick Chronicles) and directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, InnerSpace). The film’s success ushered in a new era of screen werewolves as well as the six “Howling” sequels that followed.
None of what is going on in that poster happens in this movie. There's no minigun, no mechsoldier, no asians, nothing.
But it look pretty good right?
I need to dust off the old review box and pull out a goodie from last September. ROBOWAR. By all means, read that review. It's actually quite amazing. It's one of the few from my virgin blogger days that was pretty good. But I know that a lot of you out there are short on time so I'll give you the lowdown: ROBOWAR is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of the people that brought us Troll 2 and Strike Commando. What you end up with is a disaster of epic proportions that not only is as entertaining as Predator (in an unintentional kinda way) but just an all around good time. Plus it's got Reb Brown. Reb Brown is my hero.
Fast forward 20+ years. It's now 2011. Robowar is long forgotten. (In the real world, not in MY reality goddammit) Now we have Flesh Wounds. What is Flesh Wounds? Flesh Wounds is a carbon copy of Predator....if you were to replace the Predator Alien with a cyborg and you were to put the production into the hands of some guy named Dan Garcia. (Producer of Da Block Party and Da Block Party 2!) Mix in one bored out of his mind Kevin Sorbo and you have yourself one hell of a WIN COCKTAIL!
Let me break down the similarities between Flesh Wounds and Predator for you. After watching 3 minutes of this movie, I knew I was in for one hell of a ripoff so I started taking notes. 2 pages later...
Special team shows up to headquarters via helicopter immediately following the opening scene featuring some unidentifiable enemy.
Someone says, "That pencil pushing prick will have my balls."
There's ONE chick that joins the Special team.
Their mission is to go out into the swamp (SEE DIFFERENT! NO SWAMPS IN PREDATOR) and shoot some rogue terrorists positioned there. What the special team doesn't know is that there's something else out there waiting for them.
The puerto rican dude above grabs a machine gun and shouts while shooting wildly into the woods.
The same puerto rican dude stops suddenly and "senses" something in the woods.
The first kill from the cyborg is from a laser blast. (Which they never actually show the weapon. Where the fuck does it come from!?)
There's some POV infrared shots and that same clicky noise the Predator makes.
The cyborg can also turn itself invisible.
Someone exclaims, "I saw it...I SAW IT!"
Puerto Rican dude again says, "He was right here, something came down and snatched him."
There's a scene where everyone fires all their weapons wildly into the jungle.
When we get our first good shot of the cyborg...he has two forearm sleeves
One has a control panel similar to the detonator on the Predator.
The other has ONE long NON-retractable blade.
There's a robot fixing itself scene.
It even screams when it fixes its leg.
The team sets up a parameter and the cyborg trips it on purpose.
Kevin Sorbo exclaims, "This thing is hunting us!"
Sorbo makes mention of a chopper many times but when he yells at the girl to go, get out of here, he doesn't say GET TO THE CHOPPA! What. The. Fuck.
It quickly boils down to Sorbo vs Cyborg. No mud though.
I hope I didn't spoil anything for you...but there isn't anything to spoil when you've already seen it before. There are a couple of noteworthy things to mention: First: The cyborg sucks brains. HOLY SHIT that's awesome. It just swoops down after murdering someone and jams something in their skull and sucks that sweet red pulpy goodness outta there. The second: Bokeem Woodbine. I knew I recognized that son of a bitch the first time I saw him. He's in all kinds of good shit, check out his filmography. He's a hell of an actor. (at least in those movies) The third: It's only 80 minutes long. The pace is incredible and the action, albeit not the greatest coordination, is still pretty good.
I'm sure you're running to the store to buy this thing. PREDATOR RIPOFF! FUCK YES! I NEED TO OWN THIS! And trust me...I'm with you. I said the same thing. But for everything thing this movie does that's awesome (in the baddest of ways), it also does an equal amount of actual sucking. The script is about as solid as my stool after a night of Taco Bell. For nearly the entire movie Kevin Sorbo looks just fucking bored. He's got that "god please nobody watch this movie" look on his face. There is one time that he finally snaps and explodes on the screen....it's so epic. The kills are good, the gore is actually pretty awesome. But there's just a fuckton of directorial issues. Water on the camera lens so you can't see what's going on, that kinda thing. No big deal. And then we get to the final showdown between Sorbo and Cyborg and honestly...the cyborg just fucking stands there while Sorbo shoots 2 automatic weapons at it, unloads TWO pistols, throws a grenade, AND detonates an even bigger bomb. WOW.
But in the end, I liked it. It doesn't overstay its welcome. You pretty much know from the trailer that you're walking into a Predator ripoff. I knew that a long time ago. (I'm on the cutting edge of BAD around here) The production and acting is really good at times and then almost immediately falls off the cliff a second later. It's quite the bad movie roller coaster. It's hard to tell if they're trying to make a movie or if it just keeps happening by accident. Just don't walk into this thing with expectations. You will get nothing out of it. But for me, I have another Sorbo Ripoff to add to my collection and I, for one, am proud of that.
And this is the DVD cover. I think Dimension should change their label from Extreme to Dimension: FIRST PERSON SHIT after what I've seen of Hellraiser 9 and this.
This doesn't look like a huge waste of time but I honestly have no comment on whether or not it'll be any good. I own the first one and it's just been sitting on my "waiting to be watched" pile of movies. I look at it, get kinda excited, then remember that everything I've heard about it is fucking terrible. So I just put it back and grab something with Burt Reynolds in it.
But these movies have made some pretty nice posters. The original's poster is amazing. So is this one's. I can't decide if I like the hot chick with a gun or the slicker-masturbation poster. Maybe one made other?
ZD2 will be available on DVD 10/11/11. Just in time for Halloween. Preorder now on Amazon.
You know, I have passed by this movie THREE TIMES. The first time I saw this poster and thought it looked like ballsax. I didn't really feel like it was worthy of an entire blog post so I threw it up on my facebook page and that was the end of it.
The next day everyone was posting the trailer. So I watched it. Then I ran to a corner and cried and hit myself with a 2x4 until I felt better. But even for its epic shittiness....it wasn't really worthy of a blog post...so I just threw that bitch up on my facebook page too. No big deal. We're done here.
Oh no! Today I run into it AGAIN. But this time, it's worth the blog post. Clive Barker must be getting asked over and over about his involvement with this "new" Hellraiser and here's what he had to say via Twitter:
"Hello,my friends. I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN' CHILD OF MINE!" "I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim it's from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole."
At 1:10, right after she says "The Eye Wants to Procreate With Us."
The Eye Want to Procreate With Us. HAHAHAHAHA Hell Yes it does!
This movie has been nearly 2 months in the making. WOW. Full Moon is really pumping out that shit fast. I guess they want it out by Halloween since its: Killer Eye 2: Halloween Haunt. That's ok with me, that's always been a part of the Full Moon experience, watching an insane movie that only took a short time to make. The faster its made the more chance of cheese there is.
You know at least ONE of these ladies is against nudity. Probably the one with the Tshirt.
I think I'm the first one to report this trailer. That's sad. And awesome. (Hey, I'm on the cutting edge of badness!) I mean come on, a Full Moon monster in the REAL WORLD! With lots of unwanted sex! It's OBVIOUSLY the next step for this series. Who wouldn't want to see that?
Maybe it's not just the eye that escapes through the TV. Maybe TerrorVision will make a quick cameo. You know that thing is sitting in a warehouse somewhere. Dig that shit up and stuff him in a movie again. WE WANT TERRORVISION! WE WANT TERRORVISION! WE WANT TERRORVISION!
I hope there's some random cop they call in. You know there will be. He'll walk in and see how smokin hot they all are and have walking wet dreams. Then he'll try to save them from the Eye but he'll die but not before saying something so stupid you'll want to punch yourself. But he'll die and we'll all be the better for it.
I can't fucking wait for this movie. My mind is exploding with possibilities.
Good times. I assume this will be available in October on DVD. No official details have been presented. Check out Full Moon Direct in the future for details.
<---HOLY CRAP! LOOK AT THAT METER! There’s some GREEEEEEEEN ON IT!! Yes, that is right loyal Reality occupants, we are ONE FIFTHof the way towards our goal of $200 and one fifth of the way towards getting an amazing Panman video EXCLUSIVELY FOR MR. GABLE'S REALITY READERS!
Basically, Panman’s mother has developed breast cancer. (the REAL creator of Panman must be avenged) And for $200 Panman has agreed to kill Breast Cancer off once and for all set to the tune of the Hulk Hogan theme music. I have made this my goal over the next month to make this happen. The money donated goes towards the family and to help them pay some bills and we all get awesome stuff.
Such as:
-For $20, get yourself a SIGNED PHOTO OF PANMAN! That’s right, get in on the Panman craze well before it hits.
-And like I’ve already mentioned, once we collectively hit $200, Panman will make a video of himself doing battle against the diabolical Breast Cancer.
I want to thank the two incredible readers who’ve already donated $20. Once the fundraiser is over I’ll email your names and addresses to Panman and he will come to your house and pan yo…errr send you a signed picture of himself.
As for the rest of you, help out a good cause and get some cool stuff. Don't feel like you NEED to donate $20. Donate $10 or $5 or $1!! Any amount guarantees a personal thank you from Panman himself. I know we all know someone that has had breast cancer. Let’s pool our collective badasses together and help out someone that truly needs it.
And honestly, a dude with a pan on his head killing breast cancer to the theme of Hulk Hogan…that’s worth seeing.
Finally, a trailer. I just got my mitts on ALL of the Children of the Corn movies and I was about to have a 2 week Cornfest on this blog when I happened across this in my coming soon titles. I've only ever seen the first COTC...and I liked it. I've read reviews for the rest of the series and it sounds like its a hell of an up and down bad roller coaster ride so I'm pretty excited about that. Perhaps I'll leave Cornfest for the fall as it is a time for harvesting.
Anyway, here's the NEW Children of the Corn, and by god it's a fucking sequel! NOT a damn remake. (I don't care if this movie blows, at least its not a rehash of something we've ALREADY SEEN. I like new, no matter how bad it is.)
2 things.
1. I want to see the "cars getting flipped off the semi" scene in its entirety.
2. I want to see more bodies falling out of the sky.
Children of the Corn: Genesis. Oh yeah. That's happening.
Putting SyFy on your cover won't make sales go any higher.
This is a made for SyFy movie adaptation of the video game franchise Red Faction. I have only ever played the first Red Faction. I liked it. The gameplay was awesome and it was the first time I can remember where if you couldn't get through a locked door you just blew up the wall next to it and walked through that way.
The game is set on Mars. You're on a mining colony and the corporate douches are keeping you under control. So you start up a resistance and kill everyone and liberate yourselves.
This movie takes place after all of that. (FUCK!) So instead of getting a really cool adaptation of a Mars Mining uprising...we get something else.
I read of Wikipedia that this is actually a 2 hour pilot. So if this movie is well received they will develop it into a TV series. SyFy did pretty well with Battlestar Galactica and Stargate (even though Universe wasn't well received, I still enjoyed it...amongst SG-1 and Atlantis) so I'm actually kind of intrigued here. The effects look like they are on par with BSG and SG so I would give this a chance. Besides, this movie stars Robert Patrick (Terminator 2), and actors from both Battlestar Galactica and Stargate: Universe. So there's a lot of nerdness going on.
If you visit this blog regularly chances are you watch a lot of Uwe Boll movies. And you've probably even liked them.
Or more accurately, you've probably accidentally watched them thinking they'd be good and then gone on and on about how terrible Uwe Boll is.
This documentary pushes that hatred to the limit. This documentary shows the life and times of Uwe Boll and the general mass hatred for him. (A lot of it from the internet)
Honestly, his movies are bad....but I love them. Big surprise right? Well, if I happen to see his name on the DVD cover I will usually grab it. I know I'm in for some shit but somehow the guy can gather up a lot of money to make them so at least I get some good CGI and effects for a bad movie. But recently, within the last year, Boll has really turned a corner. Movies like Rampage and Auschwitz have notched him up a bit as a director. I would even recommend them as being GOOD movies. They aren't "kind" or "nice" movies by any means but they really stick truth in your face and if that isn't the point of a movie, I don't know what is.
Here's a picture of Full Moon Direct from April that featured my review for Evil Bong 3D. Hell yes I took a print screen of that shit. But as you can see, the website is pretty meh. There's a lot of stuff on there but it's not updated very well. It's kinda like my site here where I just keep putting new posts but never really update anything else. There's so many links that are dead and pictures that really don't matter anymore.
But not to worry, out with the old and in with the new. They're revamping Full Moon Direct.com and its going to be amazing. There'll be videos of the week, Charles Band will do his damndest to do a weekly vidcast, there'll be new articles from Past and Present Full Moon Directors and Crew like Ted Nicolai (Director of Subspecies 1-3, Terrorvision) and Stuart Gordon!! (Director of Re-Animator and From Beyond)
Hopefully it'll really take off and be amazing so we can get more of this:
But don't take it from me, hear it from the man himself:
And now for more exciting news. A couple days after I watched the vidcast above, I received an email from Full Moon calling for submissions:
YOU have the opportunity to contribute to this fun new site! Please send a Youtube.com or Vimeo.com link of your short video. Content length should be concise. Sometimes the best online videos are only 30 seconds long! It is much better to have 30 seconds of great content than 30 minutes of not great content. Length of the video should not exceed 15 minutes. If your short film is longer than 15 minutes, consider editing it. Or divide it into compelling episodes and submit the first episode. Trailers and extended trailers will also be considered. We are accepting submissions here: submit@fullmoonfeatures.com Please note: submissions will be received. Those chosen to appear on the site will be notified.
So if you have any self made short movies lying around, get them on the internet and submit them to Full Moon Direct for a chance to have them show up on the homepage! How cool is that. I've been wanting to make a fake trailer for a movie completely shot and made by myself so I think that its time to make that happen. I've written my ideas down so hopefully soon I'll have time to get out there and shoot the damn thing. It will be amazing. But until then, keep your eyes on Full Moon, amazing things are happening.
We're about to get really nerdy up in here. Below you WILL watch this trailer for a fan film about Casey Jones. This looks like a really amazing origin story and I can't be more excited. So far what I've read suggests that this thing is going to be a real full length unofficial movie and this is its trailer.
This is INSANE! This has the potential to be a really amazing origin story and a cool tie in to the first TMNT. What I don't understand is what the fuck Michelangelo is doing there. At first it looks like he's fighting Casey and then it looks like he's helping him and then carrying him off to safety. Mikey must think of Casey as a pet or something. I don't know. I would've had this movie be set as a pre-TMNT movie long before the turtles ever existed. But oh well, I'm really interested to see where this goes.
Do you remember Panman? The movie about that guy that puts a pan on his head and murders people in food school? If you've been around here at all this year than I'm sure you've heard me go on and on about how amazing it is.
But what I would like to talk to you about for a moment is something of a more serious matter. Panman's mom has breast cancer. Times are tough, bills are high, and they're going to be holding a fundraiser to raise some money to help her through this time. Here is the deal:
Roberta McBrine Pilleri, a lifelong resident of Medford, and graduate of Medford High School class of 1970, was diagnosed in 2009 with stage IV metastatic breast cancer. Her treatment is ongoing and has consisted of hormone therapy, infusion therapy, adjuvant therapy, and most recently, neurosurgery and radiation treatment. Throughout the duration of her treatment Roberta has continued to be positive and amazingly strong, proving to be an inspiration to all of us. She is known for her generosity and loving support for everyone around her. Join us on September 30th to show Roberta that it is her turn to be the recipient of such generosity and support.
(If you happen to be in the MA area and wish to GO to the event, tickets are for sale)
I've been talking with my good friend Alcohol Paul and we both agree that we've spent so much money and time getting Thankskilling 2 funded that we should really put our efforts into a good cause...
EXCLUSIVELY FOR MR. GABLE'S REALITY!
...which is where you come in. I've been talking with Panman and we've worked out a deal. He's going to kill me unless I can raise $200. SO EVERYONE PLEASE LISTEN!
Panman is a generous guy. You'll come to understand that after you've seen the movie. He's so generous in fact that if you donate we'll get cool stuff!
If you donate $20, Panman will send you a signed photo of himself. This is an extremely rare opportunity to get in on the Panman craze before it hits.
And when we reach our goal of $200, Panman will personally film a short movie where PANMAN KILLS BREAST CANCER TO THE HULK HOGAN THEME MUSIC!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Panman is god.
HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO TO DONATE
You can do one of 3 things:
1. You can donate RIGHT HERE:
Just click that button to donate money to me and I will transfer it to Panman prior to the event. Include your address if you are donating $20 or more so you can receive your signed photo.
2. You can go to the Facebook Fundraising page and go through their donation process. Be sure to include your address if you are donating $20 or more and be sure to let them know you are donating through Mr. Gable's Reality so you can receive your signed photo.
3. You can go ahead and just mail them a check.
Checks should be made payable to
"Friends of Roberta McBrine Pilleri" and mailed to:
c/o Nicole Pilleri 39 Everett Street Medford, Ma 02155
And be sure to put in the memo "Mr. Gable's Reality" and a note with your address on it to receive your signed photo.
You have until September 23rd to donate. That is a week before the event. This will give me time to gather everything and get it off before the event. If you have any questions or you forgot to leave your address, please email me at mrgablesreality(at)hotmail.com.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!
We do a lot of shit around here. Some good, a lot of it bad. It feels pretty good to get crazy about something that'll actually change someone's life, knowhaddamean! We have the power. We are the brothers and sisters of bad, we help our own. Please donate if you can. It doesn't have to be $20, $1 is fine. $5 is fine. Either way, I'm sure I can talk him into including your name in the video. We can do this. $200. That's it. And then Panman will personally kill breast cancer for all of us.
To the Hulk Hogan theme song...exclusively for Mr. Gable's Reality. That's totally worth seeing.
I'll tell you what, if this movie can keep up the pace it might actually be pretty fun to watch. I just hope it does more than shred people. I hope it opens car doors and smashes peoples heads in them.
Something interesting I found while browsing the internet for Dinowolf: It is making its premiere at The B Movie Celebration in Franklin, Indiana this September. There's a shitload of bad movie directors and 3 days worth of bad movies to watch so if you're in the area: Check It Out. And then tell me how awesome it was.
But as for Dinowolf: It's written by Fred Olen Ray. He's a bad movie veteran. Watching the trailer, I'm sure this is your standard science meets nature flick with tons of murder. Hopefully they do something else with it. Maybe the Dinowolf is gay? That's why he kills ladies? Maybe?
But for now, cut the fucking Dino-Shit everyone. It's getting old.
Saturday August 13th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
(Saturday the 13th is a Full Moon, so we will pay our respects by hosting WEREWOLF NIGHT!)
What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?
About two months ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we did it AGAIN! We've watched baboons driving tanks, hunky men throwing things into outer space, but this time we pay tribute to the moon: Werewolf Night.
What can you do?
JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!
But let's say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)
By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!
Where can you find us?
One of NIBMM founders, Vincent, was nice enough to keep a neat list of past participants on his Twitter account. Please CLICK HERE to see the current list of the Bad Netflix Crew and make sure to follow them.
What are we watching?
Monster Dog
1984 - 84 min - Not Rated
Directed by: Claudio Fragrasso (The genius behind Troll 2!)
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10
Synopsis: Musician Vincent Raven (rocker Alice Cooper) ends up in trouble when, girlfriend (Victoria Vera) in tow, he heads to his boyhood home to film a video with his band. Soon after they arrive, a string of horrific deaths occur, seemingly caused by a pack of wild dogs. Two decades earlier, an angry mob killed Vincent's dad, who was thought to be a werewolf; naturally, the townsfolk presume like father, like son. Will Vincent suffer his father's fate?
Mom
1991 - 95 min - Rated R
Directed by: Patrick Rand (This EDITOR'S only Directorial credit!)
IMDb Rating: 4.5/10
Synopsis: Proving that flesh-eating monsters don't practice age discrimination, this black comedy tells the tale of elderly Emily Dwyer (Jeanne Bates), who takes a suspicious lodger into her Los Angeles home. After being bitten by him, she develops a taste for her son, Clay (Mark Thomas Miller). Desperate to keep his mother from committing homicide, Clay has her incarcerated, but after she escapes he must take matters into his own hands.
Hybrid
2007 - 90 min - Not Rated
Directed by: Yelena Lanskaya (she looks like a Hallmark director)
IMDb Rating: 3.2/10 (This'll probably be continuing the Curse of the Third Movie)
Synopsis: Using a risky transplant operation, Dr. Hewlitt (Justine Bateman) restores the vision of newly blinded Aaron (Cory Monteith) by replacing his eyes with those of an injured wolf's. Now, Aaron can see in the dark, and his dangerous wolflike behavior only increases with time. Part wolf as well, museum curator Lydia (Tinsel Korey) decides to help Aaron, but Dr. Hewlitt's colleagues are convinced the man-wolf is dangerous and resolve to hunt him down.
What time should you tune in?
Monster Dog - 84 minutes - begin 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
*15 minute break*
Mom - 95 minutes - begin 10:10e/9:10c/8:10m/7:10p
*15 minute break*
Hybrid - 90 minutes - begin 12:00(am)e/11:00c/10:00m/9:00p
Last Words
Thank you again to ALL that participated last month and got this thing off the ground. This is truly a fun time to spend on the internet. In all honesty, it's all about hanging out with cool people that happen to live hundreds of miles away. I'm so happy I get to do this and I'm glad other people enjoy it too. Hopefully we'll rope in a few others into participating again this Saturday. I'm sure we can. I know we can. See you all Saturday! I look forward to fishing for gold on Netflix Instant with all of you!
Trancers Week comes to a close. But like every porno movie ever made: I end it with the money shot. Let us begin with the trailer:
Pull your pants down and sit on a toilet. You may just shit yourself with excitement after reading this:
Live Evil is (courtesy of IMDb.com): A hunter dressed in black. This cowboy-hat-wearing samurai-sword-wielding Priest is on a quest for blood. Vampire blood. He's out for revenge on a "clique" of four vampires who are traveling across country in search of "pure blood." The human blood stream has become polluted by drugs, alcohol, Aids, Diabetes, anti-depressants, cigarettes, anything that changes the blood even a small amount makes it undrinkable for Vampires, who, like hi-performance automobiles need "hi test" fuel= Blood in order to survive. This has started a sort of underground civil war between various groups of vampires and vampires themselves have mutated due to the pollution of their life blood. Live Evil is what is written on playing cards left behind on the bodies of dead vampires that this mysterious Priest/Hunter leaves in his wake as he gets closer and closer to our main group of vampires...
So basically, Jack Deth disguised as a priest murdering vampires with a sword and guns. Oh how life can be so AWESOME!
How does this movie fit in with Trancers Week? First off: Tim Thomerson. Tim is Jack Deth and Tim is also the vengeful priest. I saw in an interview that he pulled some from the Deth character and put it into the Priest. Actually, his comment was something like: How much Jack Deth do you want
Secondly, the director of Live Evil is also the same director of Trancers 6. WHOA WHOA WHOA! Don’t leave please: I know what you’re thinking: Fuck Trancers 6. And I’m with you. But Live Evil completely redeems Jay Woelfel of anything he did with Trancers 6. We can just kinda forget it happened and move into the future of Awesome. That future is Live Evil.
And interracial ass kicking.
What he does wrong in Trancers 6, he does completely right in Live Evil. (and it’s not just Jay that fucked up T6, it was everyone involved) The main thing he did right with Live Evil is Tim Thomerson. That man is just an omnipresence (am I using this word correctly?) when he’s in a lead role. He just fucking loves being out front and in your face. FUCK EVERYTHING! Oh what? I’m a priest. FUCK YOU! I’ll fucking murder you awesomely with my sword of death. Then I’ll fucking cut your heart out and eat cuz I’m the baddest motherfucker on the planet. (this happens) PRIEST BITCHES!
This movie opens full throttle and never really lets up. We start out with a woman in search of cock. (Just like every movie should) She finds it. And eats it. Then kills everyone. It’s the greatest vampire opening scene ever. This also leads into a very unique and interesting premise that off of the top of my head, I’ve never heard of: The blood of humans is so full of shit (drugs/STDs/toxins) that it’s undrinkable to vampires. It’s just like trying to drink Soy Blood. Can’t fucking do it. BUT the only TRULY drinkable blood is: Babies. God damn Vampire Babies!!
Oh yeah. That happens too.
And there isn’t just ONE type of vampire. There’s THREE! You got the regular vampires that torch up when the sun touches them. You got the non-shiny twilight vamps that can go out in the sun. And you’ve got vampires that have fangs on their FUCKING HANDS! Wow. My happiness is at maximum.
Jay REALLY steps it up in the director’s chair. The movie was for the most part shot very well. The pacing was damn near perfect and the shots were captured very well. He does a fantastic job of keeping some mystery towards the Priest in the beginning. What I was most impressed with is the car chase scenes. They aren’t all that impressive in reality but HOLY SHIT do they make them feel epic. That really blew me away.
So long story short: just buy this shit. I guarantee if you’re a fan of Trancers and/or a fan of Tim Thomerson: You’ll LOVE this movie. It’s for Tim fans from a Tim fan. How can you argue with that?
So here we are. We've made it all the way down the line: Trancers 6. So The Final Chapter wasn’t enough was it? I know that, you know that, we ALL know that. You just can’t STOP that much fun without fans BEGGING for more. So here we have Trancers 6…8 years after Trancers 5. That’d probably be ok (Hell Rambo returned after a longer hiatus and kicked more ass then ever before) if it weren’t for two things: In 2002 when Trancers 6 was made, it was a dark time for Full Moon. The budgets were pocket change and the quality was just not what it once was. I can only assume that Trancers 6 was a last ditch effort to pump a little life into the company. (Which in all honesty, I think it did)
The other, more important reason Trancers 6 is a bad idea: THERE’S NO TIM THOMERSON!
God save us.
God that’s just painful isn’t it? That trailer just makes you want to throw yourself out of a window doesn’t it? (More on that in a minute) This movie is a like a half decent fan film. Like some guy just LOVES fucking Jack Deth and decided that hey! Jack just inhabits his descendents right? So Tim doesn’t really have to be there. Let’s just splice in some cuts of Tim from the first 5 movies to get our plot moving (which this movie did) and then we’re off!
FUCK!
Let’s just get this out of the way: This movie is rancid. Everything about it is awful. The actors felt like they were pulled out of a homeless shelter and given a bottle of Karkov to act. (Most of them having this movie as their only credit) My camcorder at home can pump out better quality than whatever the fuck they used to shoot this thing. The lighting is terrible, the effects are hardly there. I’ll give the people who did the make up effects some credit: I’ve seen a lot worse. But when compared to what we’ve already seen: it’s just bad. And the SOUND, oh lord the sound. Un-fucking-forgivable. And the worst part is that its so fucking terrible that you can’t pay attention to the story because you’re too busy shaking your head and throwing up!
*tear
So what we have here is that some guy is checking on the past and sees that someone is trying to kill Jack’s daughter. So he has to send Jack back to 2002 (I think, I wasn’t really paying attention to that) to save her. He’s transported into the body of his daughter and has to deal with the fact that he’s a girl. (They try many failed attempts at humor with this angle) Eventually the Trancers catch up with Jack and Jack (actually it’s Jo. Jo Deth) traces the REAL origins of the Trancers to a meteor that crashed onto Earth. Some EVIL bitch hooked up a laser gun to it and when you shoot people in the eyes with it, it turns them into Trancers. So it’s up to Jo Deth to whoop some ass and save the world once again.
You know what’s really funny? This story actually fits in BETTER in terms of continuity then Trancers 2-5. Like Jack going back in time into his daughter’s body…it’s his daughter that we see with Jack’s personality. The way it’s supposed to be. He makes mention that the things he’s doing now risk his life in the future. The way it’s supposed to be. So…in a weird way this is a well written movie?
But well written isn’t what Trancers is about. We’re all about FUCK IT! FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK EVERYTHING! I want recklessness. I want ridiculousness. I want things that make you want to laugh because its so inconceivable. I want JACK DETH! (The Tim Thomerson one)
The Jack Deth Way.
But there is one redeemable scene in this movie. It ALMOST makes the entire effort worth watching. It happens somewhere around 20 minutes into the movie when Jo Deth has her first encounter with a Trancer. The following epicness ensues:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Almost worth it.
(Check back tomorrow for a little redemption movie that in some small way fits in with what you’ve seen this week. It’s something I discovered a few months back and I never see anything about it anywhere. And I refuse to let Trancers week end this way. Tomorrow’s movie isn’t Trancers exactly, but it’s close enough so…fuck it.)
Can you handle it? Can you take it? Well I hope you have built up some endurance cuz ladies and gentlemen, today you’re getting a DOUBLE SHOT OF DETH!
My first thought was to review Trancers 4 & 5 independently. But then after watching the movies and getting going on Trancers Week, it didn’t feel right. You see, Trancers 4 & 5 were shot back to back and have one long continuing storyline. They’re both fairly independent of the other in terms of goals but they take place in the same universe so I’m taking the Jack Deth approach to this review:
In the event you decide to skip the trailer: Jack Deth is accidently sent to an alternate dimension where there’s hoards of Trancers eagerly awaiting to die at the hands of Deth. This alternate universe resembles medieval Earth and the Trancers proclaim themselves royalty. There’s the head Trancer who has become bored with everything and is intrigued by Jack Deth. He sees him as a challenge. So like a dumbass, he keeps letting him get away until it finally blows up in his face.
With a lead in like that, how CAN you skip it?
Also, ALL of Deth’s gadgets don’t work the same as they would in our universe. So like the LONG SECOND watch that stretches out one second for you into 10 seconds for everyone else…works opposite. It slows Jack down and speeds everyone else up.
HAHAHAHAHA This fucking movie. Crazy I tell you.
I’ll admit I had some serious reservations about this movie. And Part 5. For one: The concept to me sounded kinda dumb. And it’d already been done so well in Army of Darkness, I just didn’t see how anyone could possibly duplicate it and succeed. The posters looked kinda lame and made it seem like they were REALLY stretching to pump out a sequel. And knowing that they made 2 films back to back kinda raised a red flag to me that they’re just trying too fucking hard.
But then I saw something. Nearly 30 seconds into the opening credits I SAW IT. It reached out and poked me in the eye. I had to stop the OPENING CREDITS and jump on the internet to confirm what I had just seen. Yes friends, this movie AND Part 5 were written by none other than Peter David.
Who is Peter David?
SHAME ON YOU! Peter David is MEGA NERD! He’s written countless novels, comic books (for Marvel/Star Trek/tons of other amazing SciFi), and even other Full Moon movies (Like Oblivion and Oblivion 2). He has spent A LOT of time in the Star Trek universe. He’s written a shitload of novels and has even created a completely original, nearly 20 book Star Trek series! (That kicks some serious ass, lemme tell you) So, that being said, the second his name hit the screen:
That guy represents my reservations. They're going right out the door.
So here we have Trancers 4. The intro to this movie is amazing. Jack Deth is just getting sick of the same old shit. His life is even going FARTHER down the tubes because Harris is now sleeping with his OTHER wife from the future. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?
And Deth, being the guy he is, doesn’t pick a fight but rather throws a variety of “Fuck You’s” at him. It’s just so god damn amazing. And then he goes to the bar and hooks up with a woman…
…who turns out to be the chick that’s about to send him on his next mission. HAHAHAHA
(Then this alien dude fucks up the time machine and puts it off course where he lands in a different world.) And you know the rest from the synopsis above. This movie is WILD. It’s so far “over there” that you don’t even care about “over here” anymore. I mean, we all knew time travel was possible through possessing people but traveling to another dimension? WOW. That’s fucking all kinds of awesome.
The thing that gives this movie its charm, is of course: Jack Deth. It’s not so much his reckless ways this time but how he actually copes with his surroundings. He's got no idea where he is or what's going on but there's Trancers and he's going to fucking murder ALL of them. He mouths off to everyone the way Ash would in Army of Darkness. And when he finds out that his stuff doesn’t work right, he gets all kinds of pissed off. It’s slapstick without the corny music. I love it!
But there is a downside. Trancers 4 (and 5 for that matter) plays out like a made for SyFy miniseries. Just way better. You can tell that the filmmakers are holding back on Part 4 because they want to save some stuff for the next part but at the same time are struggling to get through this part. So Trancers 4 pulls back on the reigns…
The Final Chapter: That's what YOU think.
…while Trancers 5 punches the throttle wide open.
Trancers 5 just never lets up. HOLY FUCK this was a great movie. Now that we’ve got all the bullshit set up and killed the people that are in the way…it’s time to get Deth home.
How?
The Tiamond. (It’s a giant diamond that allows the possessor to go anywhere, anywhen. Or a Time-diamond: Tiamond. Get it?)
So immediately we start on our amazing quest to capture the Tiamond. The Tiamond resides in none other than The Castle of Unrelenting Terror.
HAHAHAHAHA Even JACK thinks that’s the stupidest thing ever.
So the quest begins. And while they are away, for whatever reason, the bad guy’s right hand man from Part 4 takes a painting of the bad guy and “somehow” the bad guy from Part 4 returns a la Ghostbusters 2 from the painting. (God I hope you understand that sentence) So the guy that Jack singed in Part 4 is back…for no reason probably other than they needed a bad guy and it cost too much to hire another actor.
SOOOO…Jack and this other dude make it to the castle. Jack must face three trials before he can possess the Tiamond. The first being, of course, a pack of sex crazy ladies who distract you from existence long enough for you to die horribly. That shit don’t work on Jack ladies. Second, Jack must take down a horde of zombies: That just kind of obey him when he tells them to go away. And THIRD: Jack must face himself. That’s right:
JACK DETH VS JACK DETH!!
Just like Army of Darkness!
So Jack gets the Tiamond and is ready to head home…but not before the bad guy steals it. Now the bad guy wants to use it to get to our dimension so he can steal all our weapons and use them against everyone to rule the universe.
Blah blah blah. We all know how this ends. Jack Deth kills everyone and gets the girl. YEAH!
Fucking yes awesome. Jack NEVER lets up in this movie. He has a smart ass remark for EVERYTHING. I laughed so many times during this movie. There was this one part when a lady was begging him to go back to his world with him and Jack told her no by saying this: (paraphrasing) “I think a real woman is one that makes you want to bust her in the chops. Not doing it makes you a real man. You’re not that kinda woman” HAHAHAHAHA oh my god, that’s awesome.
Like I say over and over: Tim Thomerson is what makes this series so amazing. His portrayal of Jack Deth is spot on and fantastic. You just can’t wait to see how he handles the next situation. It’s always a surprise and always awesome. So it "borrows" a few things from a few movies, but those things are amazing and when combined they make the Optimus Prime of Science Fiction!
From time to time here at Mr. Gable’s Reality I am able to acquire certain “privileged” information. Sometimes it’s receiving a screener copy of a movie, other times it’s talking to filmmakers themselves. But today I want to share with you a conversation that took place nearly 20 years ago at Full Moon headquarters.
Here it is, uncut & unfiltered:
Full Moon Goomba: Mr. Band, the fans. My god the fans! They’re demanding more Trancers. Trancers 1 and 2 have literally killed at the box office. People are dying. It’s awesome.
*large explosion*
Sweet Cheezus. They’re at the door! Quickly, we need another Trancers!
Charles Band: Ummm….start out with Tim, I mean Jack…umm…in the middle of a divorce.
FMG: Why?
CB: BECAUSE IF FUCKING SAID SO, THAT’S WHY!
FMG: yes, yes sir. Please don’t hit me with your win stick again. I had hard enough time explaining it to my girlfriend last time. Wha, what else sir? HURRY! I can hear them charging up the stairwell.
CB: OH! Then all of a sudden an android from the future shows up in the…that pod thing from the second one.
FMG: The TCL Chamber?
CB: YES! That thing. And then he kidnaps Jack and brings him back to the future because there’s a…there’s ummm….a TRANCER WAR! All hell has broken loose and people are dying. YES! Angel city is lost. The Trancers are WINNING! So it’s up to Deth to go back to where it all started and end the Trancer threat once and for all!
FMG: That kinda sounds like the plot to Terminator 2.
CB: NO IT’S NOT! THERE’S NO FUCKING TRANCERS IN TERMINATOR 2! ONLY AUSTRIAN ROBOTS!
*printer spits out a few sheets of paper. VERY few sheets of paper*
CB: Not to worry son. I just finished the script.
END CONVERSATION
Trancers 3 is…
AWESOME!!
Once again Jack Deth, Writer, Director, Producer, and everyone involved with this movie NOT GIVING ONE FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING!
HAHAHAHA YES!
This is how you make a sequel. The problems with sequels is they try too hard to “continue” a story and end up just spitting in the face of it. But if you just say, “uh, fuck it. Who cares?” Then you make yourself a great movie. You know, you have an awesome character and some cool villains. Just kinda…carry them forward. Forget the details.
So we open up a year or two after part 2. Jack Deth is still possessing his ancient descendent and now is getting a divorce from his “past” wife Helen Hunt. He has a shitty detective service that’s going nowhere…and then OUT OF nowhere, a fishlike android dude shows up and abducts Deth. They hop in a TCL chamber a la Bill and Ted’s Fantastic Fucking Adventure and travel back (forward?) to Jack Deth’s present time. (2300’s). It is here where we find out about a catastrophic Trancer war that has destroyed the world and there’s a small band of resistance fighters shacked up trying to heal themselves before their next battle.
We meet a new character, Harris, played by Stephen Macht (who’s awesome by the way), and they’ve tracked the Trancer origins to 2005. Actually, they know that Lena has figured out the Trancer origins so they send Jack to 2005 to meet up with Lena who has been without Jack for 13 years so she really hates him. And she’s got a kid who may or may not be Jack’s.
Holy shit, that’s confusing. But I fucking LOVE time travel and they handle this whole part pretty well. It doesn’t “exactly” fit the timeline of the first two films but like I said, Fuck it. It’s Jack Deth.
So from here we learn that there’s a secret government agency that’s pumping out some kick ass formula that turns humans into super soldiers. And the ringmaster of this little experiment is none other than Andrew Robinson. You may have seen him in Hellraiser, Dirty Harry, Pumpkinhead 2, or my favorite role: Garak from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
Also, there’s some fresh and perky nudity!
The thing that makes this movie and every Trancer sequel work is Tim Thomerson. That man’s charisma and the way he delivers Jack Deth is just so fucking amazing. It doesn’t fucking matter what’s going on, Jack Deth just dives in. There could be a pit full of monsters and a vortex of painful thorn bushes followed by an army of robotic cows and Jack Deth wouldn’t even think about it, he’d just grab his laser gun and shout, “LET’S FUCKING DO THIS THING!”
Just off camera Jack Deth is ripping his shirt off and getting ready to kick Sarlaac ass.
He’s always telling someone off or letting them know how big a squid they are. He lets everyone know that he’s going to kill them and there just isn’t enough fucking Trancers to singe. The lowest points of this series so far is when he doesn’t have anything to kill. It’s just depressing. Jack needs Death. And Deth needs Trancers. It’s vicious cycle of awesome that feeds off each other. I love it!
The effects for this movie were done by Robert Kurtzman's company. A few years after this movie they will be doing effects for Wishmaster. This guy is a fucking GENIUS! His practical effects are mindblowing. He just edges out the effects of Buechler, but just barely.
And finally, there's Andrew Robinson. I love that man. If I ever see some piece of shit movie sitting on the shelf I’ve never heard of and pick it up and see Andrew’s name on it, I always say: I’m buying this. Andrew is at the top of his CREEPY GAME in this movie. Not only does he make his presence known EVERY TIME he’s on screen, he’s also plays this creepy sex-crazed tyrant at the same time. He borders on rape with this one chick while he’s trying to “teach” her how to control her Trancing. He is the PERFECT adversary for Tim Thomerson. Both of them bring their characters out as far as they will go and then they push a little harder. It’s such a crazy thing to watch.
And I gotta point out one more thing: Robinson does what no other has ever done: He trances Deth. Albeit a very minor amount but he does inject some of that shit into him. Deth ain’t no squid so he doesn’t fall prey to it but you know if Trancers 7 ever gets off the ground like they’ve beentalking about, then that would be a pretty good angle to take it. Deth is getting old and weaker and the Trancer virus takes over. And then he turns other people into Trancers so he must kill everyone and cure himself before it gets outta hand.
I’m fucking rambling. I LOVED Trancers 3. I thought it’d be kinda dumb at this point but you see that mark on the wall over there? That’s MY FACE, after Jack Deth blew it off.
