TRANCERS WEEK! Day 1: 1985

Before I get started, you'll want to check out the foreign poster as well:

America, when will you learn?

TRANCERS WEEK begins right here, right now. Trancers combines the two greatest things in the world: Charles Band and Tim Thomerson. When those two worlds collide, the possibilities are endless. And always fucking awesome.

We begin…at the beginning. In the future.

Trancers opens in the future. Our hero JACK DETH (a name they make fun of over and over again in this movie) strolls into a café looking for some coffee…and Trancers. Trancers are zombielike people under the mental control of some dude named Whistler. They look perfectly normal until they’re made out like Carpenter’s The Thing and then they transform into crazy psycho zombie bastards. Well…this happens in the diner and Jack Deth singes that squid. (I love the words in this movie. Everybody’s a squid. I gather it’s like being a square…but worse)

From there we get our plot. Whistler is alive…in 1985. Deth must travel back in time to stop him from killing the head counsel’s descendents. The thing is: You don’t actually go back in time, your consciousness takes over the body of your descendent at that time. (That can’t possibly ruin your own existence in any way) So Deth goes “down the line” and meets up with Helen Hunt, who quickly learns what a Trancer is, and she helps Deth in his quest.

That’s not the whole movie…probably something like the first 20 minutes. The rest is spent hunting Trancers, using cool gadgets, avoiding Whistler, tracking down the counsel’s descendents, and watching Thomerson being a generally cool guy.

Thomerson brings his best in this movie. If you’ve seen him play a tough guy before…nothing has really changed here. He’s just as tough as he ever was and will forever be. I love when he plays this kind of role. You’d see this same persona in Zone Troopers and Dollman and I assume I’ll see it in Trancers 2-5.

Trancers is hackysack insane. DO NOT try to make sense of it. DO NOT try to follow continuity (which really isn’t too terrible), DO NOT try to pick out paradoxes in time travel, because you know what….this movie is full of errors. AND I DON’T CARE! Why? Because I love time travel and I love tough guys doing whatever they feel like. You get both. Jack Deth is so fucking reckless and careless when it comes to the time/space continuum that he would have given Doc Brown a heart attack 10 minutes into the movie.

 Jack Deth: Giving exactly ZERO FUCKS about anything.

And the effects! Classic 80’s Charles Band. This is a pre-Full Moon, Empire Pictures film. He put out a lot of crazy stuff and they all had pretty awesome effects. John Buechler did the effects for this movie…as he has done with a lot of Band’s stuff in the 80’s/early 90s. All of it spectacularly practical. It’s pretty cheesy in this movie…but that’s why we love it.

When all is said and done, Trancers is a really fun movie. The one-liners shoot out at you with machine gun pace, the action is overthetop funny, the 80s soundtrack is AMAZING, the tough guy attitude never lets up and never gets old, and there’s fucking TIME TRAVEL! HELL YES! And for some reason Helen Hunt agreed to do this movie (albeit early on in her career but still…Helen Hunt was in this movie…and the next 2 sequels)

The most important thing you can learn from this movie is that demon possessions are bullshit. It’s just a distant relative having a little fun. Fucking squids.

We're so CLOSE to Thankskilling 2...

Oh Hai everyone. Mr. Gable here. I'd like to take a moment and remind you AGAIN about Thankskilling 2. There are SEVEN DAYS left to donate (and only 7 days left of me pestering you for money) and only $8,000 TO GO! WE'RE SO CLOSE! Tell your friends, tell your family, Thankskilling 2 needs to happen. NEEDS.

I know I'm quite irritating about this...but it's just something I believe in so strongly. Here, let me show you why:

That's roughly what $5000 and a whole lot of knee jobs gets you. Can you imagine what will happen if they had $100,000!!! So please please please donate some ching to the cause. For $5 the turkey will make fun of you on the DVD. YES! For $20 you'll get a copy of Thankskilling 1 AND Thankskilling 2 AND the turkey will make fun of you on the DVD. YES! YES! And there's a whole heaping pile of amazingness when you donate more than that. YES YES YES!!!!

Check out Kickstarter to donate.

Thank you everyone. Have a great weekend!

Tales From the Crypt is COMING BACK!!

I have approximately 5 minutes before I have to get ready for work so I'll be copy and pasting this from Dread Central:

Horror continues to be television's hottest prospect, and there's even more of it on the way! Next series ready to get off the slab and stretch its legs? A return to "Tales From the Crypt". Oh. Hell. Yes.

According to Deadline, fifteen years after horror anthology "Tales from the Crypt" ended its seven-year run on HBO, a new TV series based on the popular and controversial 1950s EC Comics anthology books is in the works with Gil Adler, producer on the HBO "Crypt" series, and Andrew Cosby, co-creator of Syfy hit "Eureka" and co-founder of comic book publisher BOOM! Studios.

The new hour-long series will neither be anthological nor related to the HBO show. "It will be an ongoing series that uses characters from the comic books in a more modern context," Cosby said. "It's all about continually elevating the genre, for both existing fans of the source material and mainstream audiences."

A detailed pitch and a bible for the new "Crypt" series have been completed, with producers expected to take the project out shortly. It will be pitched to broadcast networks as part of the current development cycle as well as to cable outlets.

More soon!

So...nothing like the original Crypt then eh? The anthology is what made it so AMAZING. Veteran horror directors/writers working on mini-horror movies with amazing effects and cast members. Each week something new and wonderful. But you're going to go ahead and throw that away huh?

I suppose your going to dump the Cryptkeeper then too. Well then...FUCK YOU.

Battleship the Board Game is now a movie....with aliens.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!??!!??

DID MICHAEL BAY DIRECT THIS!?

I saw that poster yesterday and kinda giggled. ha ha ha they made a Battleship movie. It'll be stupid but there should be a pretty awesome face to face battle. Whatever. I'll watch it. Then I see that trailer...

Holy fuck yes. ALIENS is exactly what this game needed. That and Liam Neeson.

Next Week is Trancers Week!

I'm thinking 2 is the worst since Thomerson doesn't have a gun in his hand pointed up at something.

This is a LOOOOOOOOONG time coming. I've been wanting to watch this series ever since I bought 4 & 5 on DVD months ago but I keep getting sidetracked. NOT THIS TIME. We're going to fucking rock this shit for SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS!!!

!!!

Seven? WTF? There's only 6 movies.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

On the seventh day I will review a hidden, SUPER AMAZINGLY SECRET, Tim Thomerson movie. (It's not entirely secret but I don't know anyone that knows about it) ADDED BONUS!

So get your helmets ready because there's no way your head will be able to handle this much Thomerson for this long without exploding. (The helmets should help prevent explosion. I seriously need you guys to keep reading this blog so don't die from extreme win.)

TRAILERS: Trancers 1, Trancers 2, Trancers 3, Trancers 4, Trancers 5, Trancers 6

Combining Reality's greatest creations, Full Moon Features and Tim Thomerson, this is...

TRANCERS WEEK!

(Starting Sunday, July 31st)

Full Moon Compilation

Let's say you're a fan of Full Moon, like me, and you have a noob asking you, who is Charles Band? What is a Full Moon and why should I care?

You bring them right here and you show them this:

I saw this at the premiere of Evil Bong 3D and I about lost my shit. That's the greatest promo ever.

Available on Netflix Instant: Ticked Off Trannies With Knives

You know your gonna watch this later tonight.

Hell yes. Grindhouse exploitation of Trannies! (aka RAPE REVENGE) HAHAHAHA This is gonna be awesome.

For real. Unless the internet if pulling a joke on me (which it's been known to do) this should be better than we all think it is. Because if you check out reviews on IMDb/Amazon/and even on Netflix itself, they're all pretty good! People love this movie. I've read a lot comparing Grindhouse and Tarantino with John Waters. One reviewer on Netflix said this: "It's like Divine meets Serial Mom!"

HAHAHAHAHA YES!

Here's another: "This movie will fit the bill if you're looking for a Kill Bill-esque camp fest, but please do not watch this movie if you are looking for information on transgender women"

Yeah...that's exactly my first thought going into this movie. I'm hoping to learn more about the trannie culture. Who they are, what they eat, their eternal bloodlust for stabfucking people with knives. You know how it is.

Final thoughts: I have a little free time Friday and I think that this (mixed with a couple Rum-in-cokes) will make for a most excellent evening. And that fucking big black trannie is gonna be the greatest. She stole the trailer, I hope she steals the show.

Knights of Badassdom Trailer

Never thought I'd be posting a Summer Glau movie on my blog (except this one) but here we go.

There are only two words I need right now.

FUCK YES

I dedicate this Friday to: KATHLEEN KINMONT

She wants me.

Why? Because I was doing unspeakable things to her in my dreams last night. Also, cuz she's awesome and deserves to be pointed out for it. (Don't worry, I won't post any nude pics here. But  you can see all you need to see at Mr. Skin!)

If you don't know who she is...shame on you. She is an amazing B movie actress. You can see her starring as the Bride in Bride of Re-Animator:

or She Wolves of the Wasteland:

and my favorite Halloween: Halloween 4!

So if you're looking for something to do this weekend check out her filmography and watch one of those. She is an amazing actress.

(I like revisiting B Movie stars. I always find something in their filmography I need to see. Such is the case with Kathleen: I gotta see CIA 1 and 2 now. YES! YES I DO!)

The Tenant: Apartment Horror

TRAILER:

Kinda looks like Wrong Turn 4 without all the snow and a lot more Michael Berryman doesn't it?

or maybe this looks like See No Evil, which kinda spoofs Nightmare on Elm Street 3.

Or maybe its kinda like that movie Asylum. At least from what I know about it from its cover.

I guess you could say its pretty similar to Hellraiser 2 as well. Without all the amazing gore of course. And great story.

I know, this reminds me of Re-Animator 3 if instead of being set in the brilliance of a prison it were placed in a regular old asylum.

Or maybe...

Wrong Turn 4 trailer

What the fuck is this? A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!? Holy shit. We need to see this trailer now.

FUCK ALL YOU HATERS. FUCK ALL OF YOU. I'VE BEEN WAITING YEARS TO SEE SOMEONE GET MUTILATED WITH A SNOWMOBILE. GOD THIS IS GONNA BE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

Synopsis
At an isolated hospital deep in the West Virginia wilderness, three hideously deformed mutants go on a merciless killing spree. Now, decades later, this family of blood-thirsty cannibals is stalking new prey: a group of young skiers trapped by a blizzard. The abandoned medical wards soon become killing fields as the panicked victims come face to face with a chilling choice: fight back or die. With bonus footage too graphic for theaters, WRONG TURN 4 takes you to the most terrifying place of all...the beginning.

Before I go any further I need to post this:

Sean Skene, Daniel Skene and Scott Johnson play Three-Finger, One-Eye and Saw-Tooth

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Alright, this is REEKING of amazing badness. I know what you're thinking: Wrong Turn 4...a prequel? A PREQUEL IN THE SNOW!!!!!?!!???!!!!????!!!! And what the fuck ELSE could we possibly need to know that hasn't already been explained. There's a bunch of rednecks in the woods fucking each other until their genes have warped so bad that they're hideous human beings that eat people that come through their woods. But not before murdering them in the coolest ways possible. That's pretty cut and dry right? No need to "dig" any deeper.

YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! Watch that trailer again. It will show you how wrong you are.

This movie is going to blow our faces off. Seriously, none of it is necessary. None of it fits with the previous movies. And I don't care. There's going to be so many amazing over the top crazy deaths.

I think I need to acquaint myself with Wrong Turn 3. I've heard terrible things...





:)

Reminder on Thankskilling 2

Thankskilling 2 still needs our help! Their campaign on Kickstarter is going...pretty well actually. But it's still a long ways away from their goal. They need $100,000 smackpops to make this thing and they're only about halfway there. Click the link below to pledge some money and help this movie get made! As of today, 7/19/11, we've only got 17 days left! Time is running out!

For $20 you get the original Thankskilling on DVD, the sequel on DVD, AND the insane turkey will make fun of your name in the DVD extras! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?

CLICK THIS LINK TO PLEDGE

PLEASE DO THIS! If everyone pledges $20, not only do you get cool shit but we get a whole new movie! I really really want a sequel. We can do this. Thankskilling must live on. Who else is going to make a Thanksgiving based horror movie? Eli Roth? HA! Fuck that. We want vulgar turkey's killing naked chicks.

Also, feel free to link this page to everyone you know. Put it on facebook, on twitter, on that new Google+ I keep hearing about. EVERYWHERE! I think the major problem here is that the bird is the word: and the bird is still in the cage.

The dude from Dukes of Hazzard fighting a Yeti in SNOWBEAST

Oh, so Jason London DID do something after Out Cold.

I should not be this excited for this movie. The trailer isn't anything we haven't already seen out of the bazillion other sasquatch movies out there. At least Night Claws has Reb Brown. But this movie has one of the Duke boys. And Jason London.

You know it can't be good. (P.S. That's a good thing.)

Synopsis:

Jim (John Schneider, “Dukes of Hazzard”) and his research team study the Canadian lynx every year. This year he has to take his rebelling 16-year-old daughter, Emmy (Danielle Chuchran, You’re So Cupid!), with him. But the lynx are missing. As Jim and his team--with the help of a local ranger (Jason London, Dazed and Confused)--try to find out why, something stalks them: a predator no prey can escape.

Fuck me. I can already tell that "rebelling 16-year-old" is gonna be pissing me off. Always with the annoying teenagers. And they don't die. OH NO. Why would a bad movie like this want to serve justice to its audience? That 16 year old is going all the way to the end credits and she'll be screaming and crying about it the whole way. Dammit.

But on the other hand...it doesn't look like we have any CGI. Which is a very big PLUS in my book. At least they're trying in that regard. If this movie can pull out a slightly unannoying plot and pump up the kill count (and not just the same kill over and over, I want to see that Yeti beat someone against a tree like Jason did with those teens in the sleeping bag) then we might just have a watchably likeable movie.

And it's a Yeti. I just...just can't say no to a Yeti movie.

It's Friday. Let's Celebrate!

Hey Everyone! Just a couple things I'd like to throw at you on this glorious Friday.

1. Remember tomorrow is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Part 2: Texas Blood Money. We're watching 3 amazingly awful movies back to back and letting them know how terrible they are on Twitter. JOIN US! or Follow. Either way, it will be one hell of a night.

2. This looks really good.

3. I now have 40 wonderful followers. Just on this blog alone. My facebook page has a little over 30. And my Twitter page is growing exponentially with over 500 followers. This is in part to me just randomadding a fuckton of people and they auto-follow me. But that's cool. I've met a lot of cool people that way so it worked out for the better. And I don't feel so bad when we're raping newsfeeds during Twitterthons! So to ALL those that are following me...thank you. I can't believe this many people care what I have to say...or can tolerate my nonsensical shoutings at movies. I use "OH SHIT!" "AMAZING" "FUCK YEAH!" "YES!" and "THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER" a lot. Probably too much. I'm working on expanding my vocabulary. It's hard to use my brain after plugging it full of shit for this long. But anyway, thank you thank you thank you. I love posting things and waiting for your comments. I love thinking about new ways to involve all of you or different ways to torture myself for your entertainment. I've got a few new things lined up (like that fucking podcast. I need to get on that soon) and hopefully you'll be patient with me. It's summer and I'm busy. I'm doing the best I can to keep up so hopefully it isn't effecting the Reality toooo much. It doesn't look that way though...every month the Reality seems to continue to grow. In my stats I see the number of hits on my blog increases every month. I see that people are actually searching google for "mr. gable's reality" instead of "best nudity on netflix instant". So for all of that, I'm very happy with what I've accomplished here. I first started this blog as a way to express myself with my writing as well as being a filter for shitty movies. Little did I know that shitty movies are happening EVERY DAY. That's ok though, I love researching these things every morning and passing them on to you guys. That's how we do things here. That's why you're here. And I hope I can live up to the standards (hahahahaha) you come back for time and time again.

4. That being said. If there's any improvements, if I'm being really annoying in anyway, if you found a movie that I NEED to blog about, if you want to send me a screener copy (I love those), by all means email me and let me know.

5.

This came out last Tuesday on DVD and Bluray. We all need to buy it and love it. It's from 1977 and features that fucking tank/truck/winmachine up in the poster.

5. I'm going to get more coffee and blog about a sasquatch movie.

6. Happy Friday everybody!

Roadkill: NEW MANEATER MOVIE!!

This is driving me nuts. I've spent the last half hour searching all over the place because I've seen the bottom part of this poster somewhere before. The chick crawling on the ground. UUUGGGHHHHRRRR I fucking hate it. I think it used to be in my Netflix Instant Queue so I scrolled by it a lot but I just cleaned it out a little bit and I'm sure I dumped the movie with this poster and now I have no idea.

So long story short, I'm pretty sure this poster is ripped off.

FUCK YEAH MANEATER SERIES!! WWWOOOOO!!!

Synopsis:
Kate and her brother, Joel, have gathered their five best friends for a scenic RV road trip to their high school reunion. But their cross-country adventure is about to take an unexpected turn for the worst when an ancient curse takes wing by way of a massive creature. It’s called the Simuroc, and this gigantic bird of prey has found the perfect, helpless quarry in Kate and company. Stranded in the backwoods of the predator’s territory, there’s little chance for escape.

I see they have the required amount of black guys for a horror movie. GEEZ. It's like all horror movies have to have ONE and ONLY ONE black guy. And we all know he dies. Cliches are funny but this one has just gotten out of hand.

Anyway, Roadkill looks like it could be a lot of fun. If I've learned anything from my experience with Maneater Week it's that these movies get BETTER with time. They started out kinda "meh", it's ok. But now, they just DO. NOT. CARE. And that's how we love our movies here in the Reality.

COMING SOON: Basketcase. on Bluray!

LOOK AT IT! It's so goddamn beautiful.

Yeah, this movie is so awesome.

From the Press Release: In 1982 a low budget horror film raised its twisted head and created a buzz with a strange mix of comedy, gore, sleaze and heartfelt pathos. On September 27th, Image Entertainment and Something Weird proudly join forces to unleash Basket Case in a brand new HD transfer supervised by writer/director Frank Henenlotter. The Blu-ray™ has an SRP of $17.97 with a pre-book of August 30th and also contains a basket full of bonus features including an all-new video introduction by the director, commentary tracks and outtakes. 
 
Carrying a mysterious wicker basket wherever he goes, Duane Bradley checks into a flea-bag hotel in New York’s Times Square. What’s in the basket, you ask? Why, it’s Duane’s hideously misshapen Siamese twin brother, Belial, who seems to wield some sort of odd control over his more normal looking brother. Together, they’re in town to hunt down and wreak havoc on the sick surgeons who separated them, but this isn’t your normal revenge flick.

With memorably gruesome scenes and some seriously disturbing stop-motion animation, Basket Case is one of the most beloved, cheerfully demented cult classics of all time. Many discovered it in the days of VHS, but now Basket Case is reborn and remastered on Blu-ray™ for a new generation of twisted fans to enjoy. Open the basket if you dare!

Special Features

• New Full-Frame HD Transfer Preserving the Original 16mm Camera Ratio
• New Video Introduction by Director Frank Henenlotter
• Audio Commentary by Director Frank Henenlotter, Producer Edgar Ievins, and Actress Beverly Bonner
• Rare Outtakes and Behind-the-Scenes Footage from the Director’s Personal Collection
• Two Theatrical Trailers plus TV Spot
• 2001 Video Short: In Search of the Hotel Broslin
• Two Rare Basket Case Radio Spots
• Gallery of Basket Case Exploitation Art and Behind-the-Scene Photoss

I have the 20th Anniversary Special Edition DVD put out from Something Weird Video and it looks like its the same thing, special features and all. Except here there's a new video introduction by Frank Henenlotter and of course...it's HD! Bad thing here it's Full Frame. No 16:9 widescreen for EVERYONE THAT HAS A TV. My DVD is Full Frame too so I guess that doesn't surprise me but still...we're in the new age here people.

I don't know anything about film transfers or any of that shit but does the above "New Full-Frame HD Transfer Preserving the Original 16mm Camera Ratio" mean that it was meant for full frame presentation? If that's the case then I'm fine with the full frame over widescreen.

But regardless of the aspect ratio...this still is an amazing movie and an amazing Bluray set. Get it. You just can't beat this in HD.

This Saturday! Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Returns...

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable.

WE’RE BACK BABY!!

FOR

THE

Mega Awesome Ultra Crazy Always Amazing

NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!

(Part 2: Texas Blood Money)

Saturday July 16th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

A History of Texas Blood Money

Why the tagline Texas Blood Money? This all boils down to one man…my friend CG. Once upon a time we were ripping on movies and it was decided that all part 2’s need to have the tagline Texas Blood Money. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome, that’s why. So to this day I continue the TBM tradition with every part 2 that I do. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome.

What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?

Over a month ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we’re doing it AGAIN! Last time we were able to rope in a few people into doing this with us, let’s try to get a few more!

What can you do?

JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!

But let's say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)

By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!

Where can you find us?

Mr. Gable - @mrgablesreality

Mrs. Gable - @MrsGable1

Tromeric (Guts and Grog Reviews) - @Tromeric

Vincent’s Handmade Art - @vinstem

Scary Larry (Morbidementia) - @morbidementia

Stacia (She Blogged By Night) - @glitterninja

365 Horror Movie - @365HorrorMovie

What are we watching?

The Order of the Black Eagle

1987 - 93 minutes - Rated R

Directed by Worth Keeter (Director of A LOT of Power Ranger episodes)

IMDb Rating: 3.5/10 stars

Synopsis: In this outlandish spy-film send-up, James Bond wannabe Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where a group of Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler. Armed with high-tech gadgets and joined by sizzling hot lady agents, Jax turns his mission into a wildly explosive crusade against the fascist baddies. Worth Keeter directs this over-the-top action flick.

NOTES: There is NOTHING to hate about that synopsis.

Mafia vs Ninja

1985 - 91 minutes - Not Rated

Directed by Robert Tai (Director of A LOT of Kung Fu movies)

IMDb Rating: 6.0/10 stars

Synopsis: Mafia hit men and Shanghai's fiercest ninjas mix it up in this action-packed martial arts film. After refusing to pay protection money to a violent group of gangsters, buddies Jack Do and Charlie Woo join an opposing mafia gang. When their boss, Mr. Chung, is killed by the rival gang, Jack and Charlie vow revenge and find themselves in an all-out war against ninjas and mercenaries. Alexander Lou and Silvio Azzolini star.

NOTES: This is the main event right here. I've watched about 30 seconds of it and had to shut if off because my face hurt from smiling. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.

Trespassers

2005 - 82 minutes - Not Rated

Directed by Ian McCrudden (Director of NOTHING.)

IMDb Rating: 4.0/10 stars

Synopsis: Looking to ride some killer waves and party hearty, Colin (Kaiwi Lyman) and his surfing buddies head for a secluded beach south of the border. But when the teens take a back-roads shortcut, they get hopelessly lost and end up at an abandoned campsite strewn with carnage. The hapless vacationers soon discover that they've stumbled onto evil terrain in this fast-paced horror flick directed by Ian McCrudden.

NOTES: Finally, some fucking TITS! That's the only reason its here. That and it's a perfect movie to NOT pay attention to after 3 and a half hours of drinking.

What time should you tune in?

The Order of the Black Eagle - 93 min - 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

*15 min break*

Mafia vs Ninja - 91 min - 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p

*15 min break*

Trespassers - 82 min - 12:10e(am)/11:10c/10:10m/9:10p

Last words
Thank you to all who participated in last month's Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon and thank you to all of you that will be participating this time! We are thinking about doing this once a month (our schedules permitting) because it's just so cool to not only watch these movies and make fun of them but to watch movies with people who live IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD.

And you don't have to suffer alone.

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Room (2003) Experience 2

The Room. A movie to batshittingly fucked up that I can only express my feelings towards it with TWO DAYS worth of reviews of it. This is Tommy Wiseau...and here is his Room.

Yesterday I demonstrated my first painful experience with The Room. I'm not one to go down so easily (unless my fiance tells me to) so I grabbed the nearest bottle of vodka and went Round 2.

Experience 2: Friday, June 17, 2011.

I received a carepackage on this day from one of my internet brothers. (I'll keep his identity secret for unforseeable consequences but I'll have you know this guy is amazing.) He informed me prior to this day that he had something that I HAD to have. I said alright, send it to me, and on that Friday I received it. That carepackage consisted of The Room. And a signed poster for The Room. HOLY FUCK. I was shocked. At first I was like, HOLY FUCK THE ROOM, THIS IS AWESOME. LOOK AT THAT POSTER, HE FUCKING SPELLED MY NAME WRONG! HAHAHAHAHA

Then I was sad. The feelings about this movie suddenly flushed at me again. God damn it. He sent me a movie I fucking hate. I felt terrible. I want to like it but I just can’t. WHAT DO I DO!?

But then something occurred to me: Fate. This had to be fate. No way does shit like this ever happen to me. I had a desire to sit down and figure this movie out and basically out of nowhere this thing punches me in the face. There’s even a note (or what you could describe as a note I guess) attached to it. I had to try again. (Also, I just bought a brand new brand of vodka that day, so why not? Let’s get ripped and see what happens.)

ROUND 2! Annnndd...

Joy. Bliss. Excitement. RAGING LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE!

It IS Troll 2 all over again. I HATED Troll 2 the first time I saw it. It was the most painful thing I ever endured. But the cult following for THAT movie compelled me to try it again and now…I OWN THREE COPIES OF THAT MOVIE.

FUCK YES! THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The Room really is about the bad dialog, the bad transitions, and the absolutely bad genius of Tommy Wiseau. He directs/produces/stars/plasters his name all over the opening credits. Tommy is insane. And watching him try to act is quite possibly one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen.

Since I had just had some experience with The Room...I knew there were a few things this movie had to offer. Somethings that just "happen" over and over again. So I pulled out a pad and paper and started ticking them off as I went. Here are the results:

(Note: these are WAY inaccurate. I was drinking and I can guarantee you that I missed some. I bet if you multiply them by 2 they'd be more accurate.)

OH HAI! Tommy says Oh Hai! To everyone and everything. I counted 12 instances of this. Here is a compilation showing so much more! (because there's rifftrax involved.)

NERVOUS LAUGH. So Tommy has this nervous laugh that is amazing. It just happens all the time. Well...I know this is inaccurate but I counted 25 instances. Here is a montage that is probably more accurate.

RANDOM DENNY. So this kid just kinda shows up ALL THE TIME. He lives in the same apartment and just keeps coming by. He's only there to show how amazing Tommy's character is by paying his tuition and blah blah blah. He shows up randomly NINE TIMES.

LISA'S TITS. We see them in 4 seperate scene's. I marked one as a flashback. Awesome.
TOMMY'S ASSCHEEKS. So he likes to have sex with Lisa and he flashes his ass aproximately 2.5 times. This is because he only likes to show ONE ass cheek per scene. WOW.

BAI! So for every OH HAI! there must sadly be a BAI! I counted 4.

FRONT OF THE APARTMENT: You know how in sitcoms they show the front of their building as a transition from scene to scene? Well this happens in The Room 6 times. Fuck yeah!

GAMES OF CATCH: So for whatever reason when the men are talking they are also playing catch with a football. This happens FOUR TIMES. YES!

CAMERA MISTAKES: You know how when you see a shot of a woman holding up her hand and then in the next immediate shot she has her arm at her side? Well this movie is FULL of errors like that. I counted 12 but I KNOW I missed more. I need to watch it again and find them all! Here's probably the most notable sequence of errors (Watch the wineglass):

And I also timed all the sex scenes. Yes. Pretty much the first HALF of The Room is pointless sex scenes.

Fuck yeah.

Sex Scene 1: 05:45 - 09:05 - Total: 3:20
Sex Scene 2: 17:15 - 19:30 - Total: 2:15
Sex Scene 3: 25:50 - 27:10 - Total: 1:20
Sex Scene 4: 1:05:00 - 1:07:40 - Total: 2:40

That is a grand total of roughly 9 and a half minutes of sex scenes. That's right about 10% of the movie. HAHAHAHAHA Tommy. You are awesome.

So in the end: I loved The Room. I'll be watching it again. This movie is all about the terrible one-liners. Every instance of OH HAI! All the longer than necessary sex scenes. It's all about the bad acting and the lack thereof from all the cast. It's all about Random characters that show up to do nothing other than pad time and make me laugh at their pointlessness. The Room is all about the badness.

The Room is genius. If for no other reason than internet nerds have gone NUTS!

BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Room (2003) Experience 1

Watch this with extreme caution. And by extreme caution I mean VATS of vodka.

The Room. A movie so awful in its awfullessness that I can only express my deepest feelings with TWO DAYS worth of reviews.

I’ve had two separate experiences with The Room within the last month. These two experiences are my only two experiences with The Room. They each have their own story to tell so I will review this movie by exploring the results felt towards each experience.

Experience 1: Saturday May 28, 2011

Pain. Misery. Resentment. Sorrow. And large quantities of all of them. My eyeballs hurt. My ears were bleeding. Everyone around me was throwing mental knives at me for making them watch it.

And I don’t blame them, it was fucking terrible.

I brought this movie over to a friends place where about 8 people gathered around to watch it. We were all pretty excited about it after hearing how huge the cult following is behind it so we gave it a shot. So we started watching it and were immediately put off by the incredibly terrible pacing. It just dragged from one scene to the next. There was nothing coherent about it. Nothing FUN about it. It was basically like watching a sitcom with stupid dialogue and confusingly pointless characters. It just didn’t make sense.

So it turned into a rip on the movie while we talked about better things kinda night. Like how Denny’s haircut was straight out of the 90’s and how he had traveled through time to be in this movie. (GREAT observation from my writer in crime: Alcohol Paul) I also stopped everyone when I noticed an epic line was coming up from the YouTube clips I’d watched before. Not all that impressive considering the context.

Really, what the fuck was going on. I guess I understand the “badness” to it but what the fuck? IT’S. JUST. BAD. How is it that people are lining up in droves to see this movie? How is it that it’s always playing at the independent theatre downtown ONCE A MONTH EVERY MONTH and people keep showing up. WHY!?

I don’t get it. I really thought it was going to be one crazy movie that would be the next Troll 2 for me, but after we watched it…we vowed to never see it again. Or speak of its existence.

**

I felt bad. I really wanted to like it. I have friends that absolutely ADORE this movie. They love it in the way I love Troll 2. But I just didn’t get it. It didn’t make sense to me. But once we finished the movie I felt the need to watch it again. We (and by we, I mean me) missed a good portion of the dialogue and story (and lack thereof) and I felt that the awesomeness of this movie must live there. I had to have missed it, there has to be something so fucking crazy about this movie that people are going out of their way to see it over and over again.

I needed to know.

MANEATER WEEK: 4th of July Survival Tip Day 5: Going Outside

I bet this Fourth of July weekend you want to go outside. Get out and go hiking, go boating, go out on a picnic, or maybe just go for a swim. Think again. You can’t do any of these things because if you so much as step outside…

ORCANTULA WILL EAT YOU!!

Liger…eat your heart out.

(A BRAND NEW MOVIE PITCH FOR THE MANEATER SERIES, BROUGHT TO YOU FROM THE MIND OF MR. GABLE. COME ON RHI ENTERTAINMENT! LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!)

So this is basically the unofficial sequel to Orca: TheKiller Whale from the 70s. That amazing movie never received a sequel and you know what: It’s about fucking time.

When I first conceptualized Orcantula, my initial solution to bonding Orca and Tarantula was to have a scientific accident. Or an evil scientist bonded them together as part of some evil ploy. But in all honesty: That’s the easy way of doing things. So I spread my mind farther…maybe a voodoo curse, perhaps some kind of radioactive accident. But again…these things happen all the time in movies. So I dug down further in my brain. I wanted to stay true to the source material (Orca) as best as I can while at the same time just being a dumb fucking movie about an Orcantula. And then something hit me…A Orca/Tarantula hybrid is a pretty ridiculous idea so it might as well have an equally as ridiculous means of becoming the hybrid. Also, I’ve been watching a lot of movies featuring Hobos lately.

 Why do the best one’s always die so young?

We open up on a hobo eating out of a dumpster. He finds a bucket of chicken and smiles to himself. This particular hobo is a former Boat Captain and he’s wearing the cliché skipper hat and a raggity old captain’s jacket. Also, he has a pet Tarantula. "Leggie"

He pulls out the Tarantula and they eat the chicken. Or at least he tries to feed the chicken to the Tarantula. He steps down from the dumpster and looks around. “So Leggie, what are we going to do today?” A flyer blows at his feet and he pulls it up and looks at it:

COME SEE BETTY, THE KILLER WHALE! NEW TO HARBOR TOWN AQUARIUM!

Harbor Town being the name of the town. So the hobo goes there.

Cut scene: SPRING BREAK! Down to the beach of Harbor Town where lots and lots of chicks in bikinis and hunks in shorts playing volleyball and making out with each other. Also, there are gratuitous amounts of unnecessary nudity!

We focus in on a young couple hanging out in a boat who’s having some problems. The guy’s being a douchebag because he wants to get laid and she’s trying to tell him that she wants to wait until marriage. He’s all like “pfft…this is spring break bitch!” And he runs off pissed at her.

Then a nerdy dude shows up. (Why? Because I LOVE IT when nerds get the girl) This guy is her best friend. He’s been in the friend zone forever. He comforts her and then she offers to go swimming.

AT THE AQUARIUM

The hobo is tooling down the aisle by the Killer Whale tanks. People everywhere are looking at him with disgusted faces because he looks and smells terrible. He leans up against the railing at the Killer Whales. There’s a male and female. He pulls out his pet Tarantula from his inside pocket and shows the whales to it. “Look Leggie, check out them whales!” Then he trails off into some old story when he was a captain and first saw whales.

Then out of the corner of his eye he sees a shimmer. There’s something in the bushes! The hobo walks over to it and pulls out from behind the bushes a red amulet. (We find out in the sequel that it belongs to a trans-dimensional whale rapist.) As he’s looking at the amulet someone bumps into him and he drops it. It falls into the whale tank and the male whale swims by and eats it.

“OH SHIT!” the hobo exclaims. Just as he says this, some security guards show up to escort him away. The hobo pulls out his pet Tarantula to fend them off. “Get ‘em Leggie! EAT THEIR FACES OFF!” The hobo backs up and whips his arm around. “What, you afraid of a little spider!?” Then the male Orca leaps out of the water and eats the hobo’s arm, Tarantula and all. The crowd at the Aquarium screeches in terror.

A sexy marine biologist shows up just in time to see the whole thing. She begins defending the Orca while the hobo is screaming in pain. The guards put him on a stretcher and get him out of there. Another man shows up next to the marine biologist and they talk about the Orcas. Something about not having enough funding to keep them here anymore. (The entire time this is happening there's quick cut scene's of the Orca swimming around and then an inside shot of the Orca...and the amulet begins to glow and maybe electricity shoots out of it engulfing the tarantula and Orca. The Fusion has BEGUN!)

Then the water begins to boil. The water turns a creepy shade of red. Then out of the water explodes….ORCANTULA! The marine biologist and her boy toy run away just as Orcantula is ripping through the crowd. He eats a few people, shreds a couple in half, he throws one across the park. The Biologist gets to a phone and calls the cops. She sees that the monster is heading over the Aquarium walls and is heading for the ocean. Towards the beach. “fuck.”

RANDOM CUT SCENE: Out in the water there's some rednecks fishing and drinking. Suddenly they catch a shark and the shark is pissed so one of the rednecks punches it in the face! HAHAHAHA

Honestly, I just wanted to post this picture on my blog.

At the Beach. Sexy sexy people are having a good time…until Orcantula! puts a kink in their plans. He starts eating people and there’s chaos everywhere. (You might have to use your imagination when I say chaos. Maybe Orcantula pushes a car over some people. Or maybe he stabs a person unknowingly with his foot and walks around with the body still attached. The possibilities are ENDLESS!) Within moments of tearing up people and eating lots of young men’s heads and ripping off bras on young ladies the army shows up. A helicopter flies overhead and Orcantula leaps from the ground like a violent spider and throws the helicopter into the beach. Orcantula wades into the water as a few jet skis fly by. Orcantula grabs one and throws it at the army dudes.

All this is happening while the hot coed and her nerdy friend are trying to get their boat started. The asshole boyfriend is freaking out and says “fuck you guys, you can stay here and die.” So he hops off the boat and swims for it. Orcantula sees him and swims out there and eats him. And a ridiculous amount of blood splashes on the people on the boat. Just as Orcantula is about to attack the boat the army shoots at him, distracting him.

AT THE AQUARIUM. The Biologist is trying to figure out what to do. She figures that there’s no chance of destroying/capturing it if its in the water. So they need to get it back to land. How? Get the female Orca on a truck and drive it inland. So they do that. As they’re loading the lady Orca on a truck it starts squealing like Orcas do and Orcantula hears it.

Orcantula flicks a couple army dudes aside and heads back inland. He must protect his woman. The truck drives madly while Orcantula is hot on its tail. I guess you could spoof Jurassic Park here. Then they cross over a hill and there’s A LOT of army dudes waiting. Once they spot Orcantula they fire everything they got. Orcantula is wounded badly. A couple of his legs are blown away and he just falls over. Actually, he falls on some guy. And he falls right next to the truck with the female Orca on it.

They have a touching exchange. You see their eyes meet each other, they squeal at one another in affection. Orcantula dies. And you see the female shed a tear.

Aaaaawwwwweeeee….

Then you see RAGE in her eyes.

 Like this.

CUT SCENE. We see the young girl and her nerdy friend…who is now her boyfriend. She loves him now that she realizes that he’s a good guy. (And they're completely ignoring the fact that all of their friends just died) She kisses him and they drive out into the sunset on their boat.

AT THE AQUARIUM. They’re cutting Orcantula apart. Trying to figure out what in the hell happened. Some dude finds the amulet. He figures that the Biologist needs to see this so he runs out to her. She is by the whale tanks hanging out. She takes it from him and looks at it. “Wow.” She holds it up to the sun looking at it shimmer. Suddenly, a fly lands on her hand…

…and the female Orca leaps out of the water and eats her arm.

Yeah baby. Orcantula 2: OrcaFly

Yeah, this week just got awesome.

So what have we learned from Maneater Week? What can you bring with you this Fourth of July weekend? If you feel the need to go hiking, boating, picnicing, swimming, or going outside in general....you're going to get fucking eaten by a giant monster or some cracked out animal.

Have a great weekend everybody! I HOPE to see you here next week!